Not to be fixed

I was reading a brief article on Zenhabits... something called Barefoot Philosophy, which was really a cutesy way of interpreting a pretty standard positive-outlook philosophy of happiness. It wasn't all that bad, as far as it goes. It used walking barefoot as a metaphor for moving through life. But one connection it mentioned sparked a line of thought in me that quickly formed into the beginnings of a revelation that had been brewing in other places.

The article mentioned that the author hates anything you buy as a solution to a life problem. Life doesn't need to be fixed, he was saying. He used the example of greenwashing vs. barefooting. Our consumer-driven culture has begun to bite on the Go Green movement because there are needless possibilities to sell products that are 'green'. Before that hit, considering the environmental impact of daily activities was largely ignored by corporate America, and consequently by the masses. After all if it isn't in a commercial or pop-TV show, it isn't reality for many people. The author didn't go into that detail, but he did contrast the greenwashing phenomenon with barefooting, which, if it were to catch on, would not only preclude a merchandising tie-in (though I have seen some weird barefoot jewelry and such), but would actually hit shoe company profits. Which is why it would take major cultural shifts before any such movement would ever catch on. Case in point: throughout this recession we've been told that to be good little citizens we must go out and spend money to drive up corporate profits, which will fix everything, but which really just makes us even more indebted to the paradigm that got us where we are.

Anyway, economics gripes aside, it hit me in reading those few lines that we do often approach the world's problems as things to be fixed...things that need a solution, when in fact the action may be the problem.

I work in the environmental world, and I had never been able to quite formulate this. Now I have it. I see the preformed echoes of it in many of the programs and initiatives I've developed. It's a getting out of the way. Nature works very well. We screw it up by our actions that disregard this integrity and then think we have to keep working on it to make it right. We got here just fine. Obviously we didn't plan ourselves into existence.

So I can verbalize it clearly now. It isn't a matter of doing anything to fix the environment and all the associated socio-economic woes degradation brings. It's a matter of stopping to screw it up. No type of shoe will fit this foot. Some may be less obtrusive than others, but ultimately only the bare foot will be able to avoid the problems...in other words, living with a sensitivity to the integrity (used in the literal sense) of nature and our own lives.

So don't think about what you can do to save the planet. Think about what you can stop doing that hurts you, your world, your neighbors. The deeper you delve into that, the more connections you'll find.

It may start with simple things like buying less, driving less, etc. But that goes on into how much you spend on various things, what styles you find attractive, what activities you enjoy. When you simplify your life and focus on what brings the most quality of life to you and others, you'll quickly find that this makes many social/political/environmental problems moot. It spirals up. By decluttering, you make more time for what you enjoy, which benefits your health, which makes you more available for those who need you. Which forestalls many relational ills. In addition, owning less means you need less money, which takes pressure off at work, which benefits your health, which means you need even less money. It also means you use less resources, which makes things spread further and drives costs down and quality up because you insist on it. This also means you have a smaller ecological footprint. It doesn't take lots of coal-fired power, synthetic chemicals, and lots and lots of hinter-land to support your "fat" lifestyle. And as you start to make these choices you find that you are happiest and healthiest in a peaceful, walkable, relational community. It just grows like a tree, tying in and branching and self-repeating on every level. It's fractal geometry...the structure of the world.

Our problems are of our own making. Stop making them!

Christmas lost

I have bouts with humbuggery. It's not that I dislike Christmas. In fact it's precisely the opposite. I like it so much, feel its sacredness so much, that the rampant commercialism and overwrought "Christmasy" stuff is a mockery and cause for sadness to me. Even amongst family, the greater portion of whom have at least some faith, the secularized traditions and popular religious-esque traditions they doggedly associate with Christmas are so hollow, cheesy, or inappropriate to the day I can barely stand it.

It's not that they have a bad heart. They just buy into the supermarket commercial image of the holiday with all it's kitsch and forced nostalgia that is really just a clever marketing ploy. Some actually enjoy the whole gift exchange aspect...but I'm pretty sure I've blogged on that before.

The point is, some years I have been able to keep Christmas in my own heart by avoiding as much of that as possible. By finding time to slow down and step aside, stay out of the shopping places, and let the real import of the season affect me. But this year because of some changes in circumstance, I have been unable to do it. Many times this year, I've been thrust into that Christmas madness unwittingly. It has left me grumpy and short-tempered. Everything I do not want to be around Christmas.

You know what this tells me? When I am ill-tempered because I can't find the goodness in something, or otherwise off-kilter, it usually means I've done something wrong. Like Eve eating the apple and finding that the result she got wasn't what she had expected. It tells me that I have been duped. That I have allowed myself to be pulled off balance. Frustration at being had, makes me angry, and I don't even recognize why right away. Upon realizing it, I can almost hear the demons' cruel laughter.

So what to do? It may be too late for this year. I just have to be extra careful not to take the frustration at my mistakes out on those who aren't aware of the problem. In other words, I shouldn't ruin the holiday for those who are blind to the evils inherent in their practices. They aren't able to see it even if I point it out. I've tried in the past. The result is that I just look sour and angry.

I can also take steps to arrest it from spinning off any further. Today I refused to buy any more Christmas presents. It's done. I'm done. I have also been praying and asking for God to restore my peace. I've been trying to saturate myself with things that typically help me so as to regain my balance.

And then, there's the biggest decision. I don't do it lightly, which is why I haven't fully made up my mind. Perhaps it is the reason I was brought into this state, though...to bring me to the decision point. I am debating excusing myself from the entire rat race next year. I mean not accepting or buying a single present. No name exchange or dollar limit that no one pays attention to but me. No Christianity Today version of 'recapture the holiday and kiss Mother Culture's feet through mental gymnastics and homemade gifts'. If I get a present, I will return it or sell it and donate the money.

This is a big decision. Family will not understand it. It will create some hard feelings because it will act as a mirror for others' materialism. I'll be accused of playing the martyr, acting holier than thou. It will hurt some family members who are so bound in their materialism that they genuinely feel they are expressing love by foisting it on others. Not to mention someone will give me a great gift that I will not want to give up. It's not that I hate presents. I even believe it is a virtue to graciously receive. It's the obligation, the rat race around it that I hate and I see no other way to step out of it. I've tried, but people won't hear me. They force me to play their game.

Now of course I would buy or make a present for my son. I wouldn't force this decision upon him. But I would not hide my decision. Already we have given up the Christmas feast as a family in favor of an empty-bowls dinner...soup, bread, apple, water. To remind us of the humble nature of our King and identify with those for whom that meal would be a feast. Maybe it's time to take the next step and get out of this consumerist hell. I think it could be done delicately enough.

Unattached

Two nights ago around midnight as it was getting very cold (for this part of Florida), and I was about to go to bed, I asked God to tell me what he wanted of me in that moment. I listened quietly for some time and heard nothing. So I went to bed. As I was getting into bed and already feeling the drag of sleep , I thanked him for the warmth and safety I was enjoying and prayed that he would help the homeless that would be enduring such a cold night.

That was when he woke me up...literally quickened me and said, "Go give them blankets." He showed me an image of exactly where to go...a homeless camp near here. I thought it was just my own thoughts at first, but then remembered that I had promised not to ignore his voice. So I asked him if that was what he wanted me to do. He said yes. I said, "right now?" He said yes. I said, "really?" He said yes. This debate went on for a minute or two as I weighed it out and doubted and rationalized. I thought, "I'll make a point to deliver some blankets to a shelter in the morning." That's when my heart started racing. I literally felt it speed up slowly until I was wide awake and it was clear that he meant that instant and I would not sleep unless I forcibly quenched his prompting.

So I got up, got dressed, pulled some blankets out of the closet, wrote a note for my sleeping wife in case she woke up and found me gone, and left for the spot I had seen. As I was leaving, I was excited by the hope that I was about to see God move in a miraculous way. I might walk up on a huddled man or two and offer them these blankets. I might find someone sleeping and shivering and who knew what else might happen!

When I got there it was dark and silent and I didn't see anyone near the exhaust from ice machines or moving off in the woods at the edge of the camp. No lights, no fires, no sounds. I steeled myself and walked over to the edge of the camp which is across a field at the tree line. No one was there. Not knowing what to do, I left to look for some other spots. Perhaps they were all off getting warm somewhere.

I drove to a couple of other nearby camps and found no one. So I passed by the church that feeds and aids them. No activity. So I drove by the 24hour Big Box thinking they must be there to take advantage of the warmth. But I didn't see anyone outside and couldn't carry blankets in and dump them on someone. So I drove back to the spot God had showed me and sat for a minute asking, "now what?" All was silent. So I finally walked over to the camp and left the blankets on the couch. Then went home to sleep.

The next morning proceeded like any other. I didn't see any activity in the frosty camp as I drove by (content to drive instead of bike on that cold day.) Today I drove by and saw someone walking out of the camp. So I know it isn't deserted. I wish I could say he had my blanket with him. Maybe he did, but I couldn't see it. And that's all there is to tell.

As anticlimactic as it may seem, I was reminded of some recent advice I read about living free. It said that we should live unattached to the outcome of what God tells us to do. This way, we obey and leave results up to him. In this perfect release, we are most free to live in his provision moment by moment. Approaching each happening in expectation of what God has for us and in contentment that we do not have to organize, arrange, and plan.

De Facto

I have been sitting in a conference for three days. It always gives me lots of time to think as my mind wanders through the uninteresting portions. Truthfully, I don't find that I get much out of long days listening to people talk. In this age of internet and electronic communication, I find it an antiquated and inefficient system of communicating used mostly to give people an opportunity for free travel. I love webinars, etc. because I can take them at my own pace and even accomplish other things while not having to be trapped in a big room full of people with varying and questionable levels of humor, health, and hygiene.

But I digress. While sitting there listening to various topics, many of which covered a particularly political aspect of my work, namely new controversial regulations, it hit me that the feelings I was having were not unlike watching TV news. I felt alarmed, a bit angry, disillusioned, like I wanted to react and fight a fight, yet powerless to do so. That's when I realized that I was being sucked into the all too common fallacies of hasty generalization, appeals to fear, popularity, and authority. Being confronted with a crush of information about a certain topic from a limited viewpoint by seemingly authoritative figures, assented by the surrounding majority, and which is perceived to be a bad thing, I jump on the bandwagon when in fact, it may not happen, the info may not be accurate, it may not be so bad, and it may not affect me anyway.

Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. That helped me to think more clearly and even recognize some very presumptive aspects of the argument. I expressed these to a nearby colleague and was not outright dismissed, but got the feeling he wasn't in total agreement. I'm not surprised. He may come around after thinking it through, but most others won't be able to let go of their preconceived ideas enough to see from outside the issue. But that too is a deeper level of the fallacious thinking. Fighting to make them understand even their own fallacies is still a distraction from my purpose.

This has implications for many parts of my life. Fear is a great weapon and together with lies forms the double-edged sword which negative forces use against us. Perhaps their only weapon. That is why we are so encouraged to have faith and not to fear. Possibly more than any other encouragement in the Bible. So how is false fear about a work problem a spiritual issue? It distracts me from what is important. While I have my role to play at work, above that is that same role from the perspective of the Regnum Caelorum, and beyond that even is my work as a servant of my God. This fear appeals to the first two levels and draws me away from what is truly my work.

If I ever want to live free like my regenerated substance allows, I must ever be at my God's disposal. And I mean that in the fullest sense: not just available for his work, but fully dependent on him in real ways...Like all unfallen beings, animals most familiarly, we are called to depend fully on him in our fullest state. Neither sowing nor reaping nor planning, but fully dependent on him. I'm not ready for this, I can assure you. I'm not even sure it's possible in this world. But this is the ideal. This was the state in Eden and will be the state when our new being is fully manifest.

As it goes now, I must focus on what is in front of me at the moment and leave the decisions to him. He will make them known. Truthfully, he even spoke to me despite the throes of fallacious mind I was engaged in. I was so bored at one point that I flicked over to the e-reader on my handheld and ran across Practice of the Presence just where Brother Lawrence was describing this aspect of work. It wasn't just then that this was all revealed, but it primed the lock and a day later all the tumblers had clicked into place.

It's hard to swallow, I know. It goes against my early spiritual training. It flies in the face of our cultural voice. But it is true. Of course I should do my best at everything, as if unto the Lord. But that's just it. I mustn't be distracted into activity which I am not asked to accomplish and which I probably can't change anyway. We all want to be the hero. All the posters tell us that we are the what-if waiting to change the world. But most real heroes attest to being simply there at the moment. NOT having planned it. Having done their deeds in spite of themselves. If I am to be the hero, I will be. But it will be God's spirit acting in me when it occurs and not my wit, perseverance, and ingenuity. These are merely tools that must be powered and operated by the maker, not operating on their own.

Even now, my insides are screaming that this must be qualified. Someone might get the wrong idea, I might delude myself. But I will not change it. It stands against that voice as something I know to be true.

What matters in each moment is what is concretely in front of me to accomplish. Be that smile, lighten a mood, lick a stamp, listen to a personal problem, craft a policy, or make a perspective known...in that moment, in that place. As I step away into what-ifs and what-to-dos I step increasingly further from that purpose.

Does that open the door for gaps in efficiency, function, policy? Yes. But this is where faith comes in. I must believe that God will fill those gaps in his way...and in my experience this is usually at the last minute for many reasons which I won't go into here. But I know that he won't if I keep jumping in like the micromanager.

Arguing

I have recently come across a few situations, references really, from atheists mostly, about Christianity. There was a day when I would have felt a need to fight. To apologize, in the old sense. I had trained in it. I reveled in debate of any kind. To match wits and see who can hold their own.

But lately, I have no interest. The last thing I want to do is try to defend God. i think he's quite capable of doing it himself. And if he hasn't felt the need to submit to these half-baked questions then I don't feel a need to either. Half-baked, yes. Most of them are positioned in ignorance. People get a perception of something and lock in to that. This fuels all their arguments. Though they fail to see there are countless other perspectives, traditions, interpretations on it.

This even takes place within the Christian world as various denominations and even various viewpoints within denominations strive with each other. Get over it. Get over yourselves. You people think you're so smart in your clever attacks and comebacks. I was you once. And I was an ass too.

Before you take a shot at something, I suggest you do your homework. There are countless volumes, speeches, blogs, treatises from across 2000 years world wide, and I'll bet you haven't digested them all, so there's a good possibility that others may know things you haven't thought of yet. You look like a fool to anyone who has experienced more than you.

When someone truly wants to talk; when they actually care what someone else might have to say instead of simply lining up a bunch of monologues; when they actually consider other points and weigh them logically, I'm willing to spend no end of time discussing things. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and mine.

New

All things new. I've heard this countless times, but today it was brought to my mind in a new light. I have often understood the regeneration thing in terms of a one-time incident. That's actually the sense of the words in 2 Corinthians 5:17. I just checked. So I'm not saying that's wrong. Just that the verse, and the one in Revelation 21:5, was spoken to me today with a new meaning. And when the Lord of Spirits speaks it, I've learned to listen as it is intended in the moment.

I was thinking about letting go of the masks we wear and about living as if the past was dead, when I realized that I often think of that regeneration as a point that happened once and everything after that point is now held to my account. So while I know we are forgiven past and future and all that, the fact is, I feel responsible for my failures after that point of regeneration. This is a heavy burden for someone who has been in the Blood for years...and by some theologies years even before that. That's a lot of time to screw things up. A lot of time to be faced with one's own inadequacy...all the more clearly visible because of the new clarity of mind that comes with the Spirit. But in the split second that these thoughts crossed my mind He spoke to me that all things are made new repeatedly. That same joy and release one feels at first understanding that one is set free from the guilt of their offenses is mine each and every moment.

It's as if I am walking forward and shedding weight and armor with every step and with every step there is more and more to keep shedding for miles and miles and years and years, a trail of shed material falling away and ever more beneath it, all the while by slightest degrees the glory of the new creation becoming more and more manifest through it.

Failed

Not a month after I wrote about my great experience where I stepped out in faith and I promised to continue, I have failed it. Like Peter, I rode from the high right off the cliff and back into the mud.

As usual, no details. This about my experience, not the gossip. I encountered a friend yesterday who seemed upset. I went to talk to her and she broke down crying. I stayed and comforted her trying to learn if there was anything I could do without prying into the source of pain which is not my business. It became clear after a little while that she just needed time to let it out and being there was enough. but I had pressing engagements and was running late from the outset. Failing all options I could think of to help the situation and being satisfied that it would be ok, even being reassured by this person that she was ok, I opted to leave thinking there was nothing else I could do.

But as soon as I set off I felt this sinking wrongness like I should not have left. I justified that I had to go and other people were waiting on me. But the flat sadness settled on me and I almost wanted to turn back. I even talked about it to my wife, justifying my action outloud to her that I had done everything I could. That I always tried to and that it was beyond my control to do more. I even thought it must be a lesson for me to let God handle things and stay out of the way.

But the feeling that I had missed it never left. All day and all night it tugged at me. I even tried to call and make sure she was ok later, but could reach no one. Oddly, my phone even kept cutting out when I did get through so that I couldn't talk, though it worked fine to anyone else.

Then this morning at work I was listening to some new music I had just gotten...a particularly meditative song about failing and forgiveness while I was reading some super dry documents. Slowly, I settled into that place of contemplation and I understood. I HAD missed it. I should have stayed. I have no idea how it would have gone...If I'd have missed my entire plans or not. Maybe it would have turned into another glorious expression of God's love in real life. But I'll never know now. I was reminded of my promise and of every other time I've squelched that small fire telling me to do something. I teared up right there at my desk as I confessed and repented yet again.

Thank God he doesn't depend on me to help other people. Like Jonah, I'm constantly running the other way in my own understanding and I never seem to get it. But I have confidence that I will also be belched up on the scorching sands and end up right where he wants me in spite of myself. I'd just be very happy to stay out of the whalebelly for a little while. Even still I know that it is in the belly that the old is digested away. In the fire of this belly that the refining takes place and though I hate it and hate myself when I fail, I can quickly rejoice in it. Not a happy rejoicing like I used to misunderstand. It's a sad somber powerful rejoicing that God's power is manifest in my ineptitude.

I know it makes no sense. We seem a twisted masochistic bunch, we Christians, to those who haven't yet been burned through. To most people it is no wonder we've been mistaken for everything from cannibals to orgiasts.

God help me to listen, beat me over the head with your words, and help me learn fast. Break me, mold me, use me.

Working

This absolutely drives me crazy: "if we only all lived like God wants the world would be fixed." and the corollary, "if I really want to follow Christ I have to pull myself up by the straps and get out there and fix the world!" This is crap. I'm sorry. It is. It is unbiblical. It is unChristlike.

I'm not saying we shouldn't do good works. What I'm saying is that it isn't the works that do anything. That's like saying the bread makes the wheat. The good works that are associated with Christianity come from a reworking of one's mind. They are done because they couldn't be otherwise. It isn't up to us to just get off the couch and go do them. If our hearts were right, we'd be off the couch and we'd be doing them. No amount of motivational speaking or guilt, or string pulling will change someone's heart. Sure you can manipulate people into doing things. People can even manipulate themselves into doing them. But that kind of good work happens in Buddhist culture, in Muslim culture, in Hindu, even in pagan, stone-age, and secular cultures. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Let's keep that straight.

Secondly, Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. To turn families against each other. To turn things upside down. He didn't come to fix the world. To think this is to think exactly as the Jews thought their Messiah would do...as many Jews still think their Messiah will do. Just listen to Matisyahu. Admirable, yes, worth thinking about, yes, but this isn't what Jesus taught. Plus if all it took was for us to get our act together, don't you think we'd have made more progress in the 2000 years Christianity has been around?

So what did Jesus teach? He taught that the Kingdom of God was within us. That it was at hand. He taught turning from our old ways. He taught spiritual life. The kingdom of God is spiritual. It's about revolutionizing the soul.

I firmly believe in a physical resurrection. I am confident that when true reality is revealed we'll see just how solid and tangible it is. Just how literal many of the statements in the Bible actually are. But I don't believe for a second that we can move one inch closer to a utopia in this world. I believe this world is burning to hell. Passing away. Spinning into entropy. It isn't going to get better. It isn't going to get much worse either. It's dead. It is what it is. It is only by renewing of the mind and regenerating of the soul that we have any hope. And this is not something we do. Sorry. It isn't.

I know because I am the jerk. I am the calloused insensitive Stranger from Camus' cautionary tale. I was the Trenchcoat Mafia before it had a name. Tell me to work for justice, and I am Rorshach waiting to happen. I have seen the depths of human indifference and didn't care. I have hated every living breathing thing with venom. I have dreamed of fire and destruction and blood and woke smiling. But people don't believe this about me. Guess what. It isn't me your seeing. What you see is the change Christ has made. I didn't do it. You won't either. So don't give me that "if we only" crap. I give you, "Hoshana!" God save!

Several Thoughts

Lately, I've had several thoughts that I haven't been able to distill into a blog. So I thought I'd stream them out and see if something shows up. Maybe it will end up a jumble of independent ideas.

The first was about stubbornness. I was struck that this may be at the root of much of our ills. It started when I was thinking and praying about a person I know and my offer to help them. But they'd probably never let me know even though they are obviously distressed quite a bit. This is very common among people. We don't want to be a burden, we feel we should be able to handle it. We are afraid, lazy, make excuses, doubt their genuineness, etc. I'm the same. So as I was contemplating what to do about it, if anything, it hit me that it was really perhaps just plain stubbornness. We want things to go differently, someone offers to help, and we insist that it must go differently in a different way. What else is this but stubbornness. I am very obstinate myself sometimes, so I wondered how many good things I've missed, how many pains I've endured unnecessarily simply because I didn't or wouldn't take the help that was offered. Of course the other side of this is that we can be too moochy, but I'm not talking about that extreme.

Next, I was struck at a different time recently with the image of emptying a cup to fill it. I don't even remember where the image came from, but I've seen it used in various places. We want things in our life. Things we can't get for ourselves for whatever reason. These are things we pray for if that is our bent. Even if we deny God, we often want him to do things nonetheless...but that's a different discussion. Suffice to say that many of us pray and pray for things and they never happen. But I have experienced many times that as soon as I give something of myself, there is provision waiting right then and there in perhaps another area altogether that I have been seeking. So, the image of the cup. The Bible says that it will be filled to the brim. If this is true, there would be no room for more. It would only be in pouring some out that more could be added. I am reminded of a great illustration once that I saw in which two men stood on a stage with a bag of seed and poured it into a cup. The speaker was frantically running around trying to find people to take the seed so he could keep catching more. The faster he ran the more kept coming from the huge sack. But when he stopped running, the flow slowed and stopped. It was an exponential reaction to what appeared an arithmetic problem. And it stuck in my brain.

I've also recently encountered, at every turn it seems, the concept of giving up oneself or life. Not bits and pieces, but entirely. This is a two part thing, the way it happens and the message itself. I've noticed this a lot in my life. And whether it is that my mind is just set to cue in on a certain message, or that the message actually occurs before me in greater frequency, the effect is the same and the difference is moot. Both would be equally supernatural. I've learned to listen closer when this happens and try to understand. It doesn't take much, the message is usually beat over my head. People complain that God doesn't speak clearly...but he does. Impeccably clearly. They just don't understand his language. They also don't understand his economy and ecology. The God of the universe set it to work in a certain way. From that consistency we can learn much about him. One of the things I've learned is that he is supremely efficient. There is no waste. Each person living out their own personal story, designed entirely to bring them to the place of truth and understanding. There is no randomness. There is no luck, no chance. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that God would use this method to speak to us. It fits his nature to orchestrate in beautifully complex yet paradoxically simple ways. If we have ears to hear it.

So back to the message itself, this time it has been about letting go. About giving up life, dreams, safety, security, everything, for the truth we seek. We don't do this. I don't do this. This message is for me. Certainly it is for others as well, but that is their story not mine, so I won't speak to it now. I mentioned before that I was told this was the year of my death, and this message fits a bit too neatly. It has been bombarding me. Obviously I'm not ready for what is coming yet, but I can feel it approaching. The crazy thing is I'm looking so forward to it, whatever it is! It resonates deep down inside me. Like this thing I knew all along I was built for is coming...call it destiny. I just can't wait until that is manifest in whatever way that will be, I know it will be the fulfillment of everything I've hoped for.

Which leads to me last thought. How can I think this? How can I be excited about something so utterly unknown and potentially dangerous? Have I no self-preservation? Do I have a death-wish? Believe me, the little lawyer in my head attacks every nook and chink in this constantly. But what steadies me is that I know I am not alone. There are so many people throughout history and still today who think like this. Some can't articulate it. Others express it differently. This is what it means to be a Christian. To follow Christ. It is a strange mystical thing that happens. I know there is all kinds of crap and festoonings around what we call Christianity. But down in it, those of us who know, know. It's illogical, it's not even sane by the usual definitions. But there is some deep, primal, soul-pulling, dancing, screaming, crying, laughing thing that goes crazy inside at the very inkling, the very hope of moving closer to the object of this devotion and nothing, nothing, nothing can swerve it, compare to it, or stand in the way of it. It's beyond life as we know it. It's supra-life, supra-natural. This is Christianity. If you know it as something else, keep looking cause you haven't found it yet.

Something Happened

OK, so things always happen. But I mean a particular something pertinent to what I last wrote about. I don't believe by a long shot that it is all that will happen related to that. and of course the high from it has worn off significantly that I can write about it in a somewhat collected fashion.

Basically, I finally decided to listen to a prodding voice inside. The kind of thing I try often not to listen to. But this time I just did it. I was supported by some I know and a few I don't know, but what resulted was nothing short of absolute confirmation of the Contemplative belief that God is always speaking. Confirmation that many of the things he says in the Bible are true.

And to take the mystery out, I am not going to say exactly what it was that I did because it is far too personal to me and to the others involved. If you were party to it, then you already know and if you weren't then the details are not important. If that isn't good enough for you, then you're just being nosy.

Anyway, I first had an overwhelming preoccupation about this particular social issue. Then because of turns of events, the issue became a more acute problem. And I was unable to let it go. I consulted some trusted people and got some very good feedback. I prayed a lot, and I listened for an answer. Then the solution popped into my mind and I took it for one of my usual crazy notions...my attempts to work out a plan to get where God was showing rather than waiting to see how he got me there.

I'll take a sidebar here because I'm not sure if everyone experiences this. It is common for God to show me where I am headed in a general sort of longer distance view. But the details are not usually clear. That's where the trust comes in.

Anyway, I ignored it, but the nagging ache wouldn't let up. At the same time, that convergence feeling continued. Other people who were unrelated to the issue spoke to it in that weird way that God has of orchestrating the universe. and finally I decided to do it. So I committed myself in a way that I couldn't back away from easily. I tried to rehearse things in my mind to be prepared, but nothing would stick, so I left it that God would have to give me the words. On the way to the appointed time, someone came to me and said that he had been told to pray for me and was. I realized that he was yet more support converging. I told him I understood why, but I would tell him after, further committing myself still.

At the appointed time, I dug my will in and made the leap. I was there fully exposed waiting, and not a half second later the other person began to cry. I thought it was over, but then she explained that she had been asking God for this for so long and why. Wow!

Problem solved. Issue resolved. And other problems I knew nothing about resolved because of it. I have thought this over since and have remembered times when I was not so afraid to step out like that. But now that is reconfirmed. I will listen to those voices from now on. I will try my very best not to get on a trip about it and start going off half-cocked. I think I am circumspect enough for that at this stage in my life. But I will not ever doubt again that God will not forsake his own. That he orders the very universe to coincide when he gives us a job to do. The seas will part, the sky will split, and opposition will melt.

When he commands, all we have to do is jump and run. He truly goes before and behind and opens the way.

Radical

I just finished reading a book by this title. It came highly recommended. But I was only partially impressed. For one thing, I really felt that most of it was overly simplistic and old news. Do you mean Christians really don't know this about Christianity? But sadly, that is probably the truth. Most people may not know that stuff. Secondly, the book was poorly written. It had about 3 chapters of a point and 7 of filler, just to sell the paper. State, restate, restate again.

But most of all I felt like I was in a different place. Like I would have raved about it 10 years ago when I was battling full tilt against the raging winds on the plateau of the tough-minded. But now I'm just tired. Sadder and wiser perhaps. I am finally beginning to understand what resting in God means. My faith is deepening. At that time, no one got what I was all about. Many of the same things in the book. But now it's a hot topic? Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I've been lulled to sleep. But I am not so sure.

So if you want to know what's in the book, read it. I'm not going to do a book review. But my reaction is this. First, I'm not Baptist. I keep saying that. I am tempted to say that I am not Evangelical. But that must be qualified. I am not on anyone's partyline. So I'm not that kind of Evangelical, though I have no problems with the real meaning of the word. I just can't bring myself to feel urgency for "the lost". Call it what you will. I can't pretend. I've even tried to fake it till you make it. I do desire that people know God and I do believe that Jesus is the only full revelation of God and salvation. I pray for people. I am sickened by injustice. But I don't think it's up to me. They won't go to hell because I slip up, or give up, or fall prey to the sins I am wont. That's just too much pressure. I'll crack! By this logic, if I yawn in public, I might miss the one golden moment that I was supposed to say just the right thing to save that person. But you know what? I can't save anyone. I can't even save myself. God had to come find me, and I was busy digging deeper into my mire all the time. He had to pull me out fighting against him. Wouldn't he do it for everyone? The truth is Jesus has saved us, all of us. Some of us will never accept that. But I pray that this will change. I pray that every last person sees the truth and comes to God. I pray that I can be bolder about sharing what I believe. But we cannot work for our salvation or anyone else's. It isn't up to me, it isn't up to them. It's up to God. I must simply do what he tells me when he tells me.

Next, I do reject the American dream. I did a long time ago. Materialism is a sin and we will answer for it. God have mercy. But I can't help being born here. I spent years blaming myself, hating myself. Being so ascetic it hurt me physically and psychologically. It's ok for me to rest. I have given so much that it hurt. I have sacrificed financially until I was going to ruin because someone told me I should. But in the midst of that teaching to others, I learned to relax about it. That I was giving enough. That I was not the kind of materialistic idiot that most Americans are, and I never would be. It's ok for me to enjoy the blessings God had given me, maybe, just maybe, because I never allowed myself to in the first place.

Now whatever you do, don't sit there and say, "yeah...that's me too! Yeah, I'm ok!...I'm just enjoying the blessings God gives me!" This cop out will damn you. I have arrived at this statement through many tears and long sleepless nights. Through much introspection and circumspection. And I still question myself every day. I still beg for mercy for my callousness and blindness. I don't know where you are and I won't judge, but don't delude yourself either.

For years, I had this foreboding that this year would be important. In May, God told me that this would be the year of my death. I have no idea what that means. Maybe it was just my own imagination, but I don't think so. A long time ago some cracked sister whom I had just met looked at me strange and said, "Are you an Evangelist?" like I had a name tag that she had just read. Once someone slipped me a note that said, "you will reach many people." And last night, God told me that I am an evangelist. But I don't think this means what most would have it mean. I know that I will be asked to do something radical at some point. I fully expect to die before a ripe old age, and probably violently. I do not hide this from my friends and family, though they blow it off mostly I think. I have no idea what most of this means. But I'm tired of hiding it from everyone else.

Things are changing. I feel myself being positioned for something. I've felt it before. A sea change, so to speak. All of these things are running through my head. Are you a part of it? Have you been waiting for someone to say just this? What is it I'm supposed to do? What is it you need? You know who you are; your heart just pricked when you read this.

Systematic

I am a systems thinker. I was trained to assess things, to look at processes and flows, to break down an occurrence into its causes. But I was also trained to look from multiple angles, to think of all possibilities and to fit pieces together.

Recently, I fell into an age old theological debate, entirely on my own. Of course I'd heard the arguments, Calvinist/Armenian, predestination/freewill, etc. But they just seemed like debates. Then in reading Romans recently, I was stuck on chapter 9 and 10 where Paul discusses that God calls whom he will. He has mercy on whom he will, and that he hardens whom he will. This wouldn't rest in my mind. If that were true, how could anyone be saved? I wrestled with this. I asked God to clarify. I read commentaries and other versions. I compared other passages. I read various denominations' interpretations. It became clear to me that this was precisely the root of the old debate I mentioned above. And none of the explanations were satisfactory.

Without delving too much into the brier patch of this debate, the biggest issue for me is that the bible has many passages about salvation being for all, and that any who come will receive it. And there are many passages about God foreknowing and choosing. That no one comes unless he makes it happen. I even compared authors. Paul makes both kinds of statements. Jesus himself makes both kinds of statements. So I can't even rule it out as author's perspective.

Either God calls us or he allows us to choose. We can shade it various ways and try to trim the edges until they both fit. We can completely jump off into heresies of the ages that resolve it by changing other facts. Or we can ignore it altogether. None of these options work. Each require adding or abridging elements of the process or facts.

But I have come to some sort of a resolution for myself at last. That resolution is that I don't know. Ruling must be withheld because obviously all the necessary information is not available. This is a very different thing than saying, "It's a myyyyssterah of Gawd, and nawt for us to cuessstionnah." That would be the ignoring tack.

What I know to be true is that I in no way saved myself. I did nothing. I didn't even repent until I was forced to it. Like my teacher Jack, I was dragged in kicking and screaming. I had already willed my existence to death and the physical manifestation was quickly catching up. I didn't come to God. He came after me. Caught me in midair leap off the precipice of this life. So for some humbling and inexplicable reason he must have chosen me and I fear always that I am delusional, psychotic, or otherwise doomed for hell despite.

But at the same time, God is merciful. He says that he desires that none should perish. Jesus demonstrated compassion, not judgement.

And finally, God is in total control. Ultimately we can understand nothing that he doesn't choose to reveal. Even if he were a cold and rigid judgemental God that arbitrarily chose some and doomed others, we could do nothing about it. So as Calvinist as it may seem, I am not a Calvinist. Nor am I an Armenian. Nor am I an Evangelical cop out. Just like with evolution/creationism I withhold opinion and am comfortable understanding enough of the system to say so.

But then, that is where the whisper in my heart told me, "the system is the problem." God is not a system. He is a living being. He thinks and speaks and moves. He reaches to us. He pours his life and love out over us. And thinking in this way, the contradiction seems less important. In my relations I speak both kindly and angrily to the same person. I can be calculating and mushy. But I am not raving mad. There are other factors that lead to the tone and the attitude. In my own heart lies the real solution. If I am the image of God, then my being, as imperfect as it is, at least shadows what His is. The problem lies in taking discreet statements made in human conditions at various single points in time, and trying to build an authoritative system from them.

Grace

Bono said that grace is the central concept of Christianity. He said most other religions are about Karma. But if Karma is the standard people like him are sunk.

I couldn't agree more. By natural law, by Jewish law, by Muslim law, by Christian rule, by Buddhist code, by Hindu Karma, I'm screwed. Pick one; I've blown it too far already.

Muslim and Jewish law set up so many rules, I can't possibly comply. I've wounded too many people. I've complained too many gifts. I've profaned too many holies. Lied, belied, denied, hidden, lusted, coveted, taken advantage of, wounded. I've even committed deep spiritual offenses. I'm not interested in any arguments that start with the words, no, but, or at least. I know myself more than anyone else and even if you excuse all the codes and morals, there are natural laws that I have flouted. I won't list them here, but suffice to say, even an anti-religious atheist would find them wrong. If nothing else, I have condemned myself and no one can undo a sentence one has passed on oneself.

There is nothing left for me but grace. Favor granted in spite of offense. Mercy. Without this, I have no hope of redemption. But in the depths of this bloody hell, I have assurances that this grace is mine. Do I believe it? Barely. Do I doubt it? Yes. And that too is more fuel for the fire of my condemnation. Even as I type it, I can hear Aslan's roar of indignation that I would cast doubt on his word. And I tremble and fall on his grace again. While he may have removed my sins from me, I still see them clearly. I pray that my fleshly eyes will die to be replaced by his pure glass ones that see only as things are.

In the meantime, I cling to that grace. I try to believe it and I try to step one at a time. If there is good in me, if others see good in me, it is not of my doing. This is the extent of my faith.

Routine

In what can I trust?

In my senses? They can cheat. They can be tampered with. They are not reliable.

In my emotions? They are vacillating, blown by the slightest breeze of circumstance.

In my mind? It can also be tampered with. A hundred influences playing for control at any time. Whispers in the dark. It is not reliable.

In my strength? It can fail in an instant. Invisible assassins assail it from every side. I am not strong.

In my possessions? They are not me. They do not satisfy. They break and are stolen or damaged. They are chaff.

In my friends? They are dispersed. I rarely see them. They are busy. They are troubled enough on their own. Or they are distant, not interested or capable of deep relations.

In my church? What is that? What is trustworthy in a human attempt to be Godly? It is corrupted, shallow, self-serving, and too busy.

In my hobbies? These are pass-times. Business for the hands and mind. Torches in the dark to stave off the hellhounds.

In family? They are bothered, exasperated, incapable of understanding, and confronted with the urgencies of life. They don't have time or energy for failings.

In work? It is usury. Squeeze my skills and usefulness from me, discard the rind.

In study? My understanding is drivel.

In routine? Yes there is safety. There is movement. Like pacing the cell, but it is movement. It is sequence. First this, now do this. In routine I can move. In unchanging life-sucking dullness of routine I can progress from one sun to the next, one moon to the next. It marks time. There is nothing else. Do this, next to this. No change. Consistency. It keeps the body fed, cleaned, rested, the mouths happy. Zombie-like it marches on. It selects the appropriate behaviors, faces for the appropriate moments. The suits for the occasions. It does not ask how I feel. It just moves. Next this, then this. Eventually the pacing will wear away the very flesh from my bones, the edge from my mind, the fire from my will. But it will progress. It is movement.

Grown Up Punk

I am often called a hippy. Funny because there's nothing further from the truth. A lot of times it simply has to do with long hair. But that's stupid. One thing I do identify with about hippies is that for many, it was a real lifestyle choice. It was irrevocable. It became part of who they are and they have lived it out all their lives.

While I shun labels in general, I find that they can sometimes be useful in short-cutting a long conversation. For me, the word punk is one of those very useful terms. And for me, like the hippies, punk became a part of who I am. But what does that mean?

First you have to understand that punk is way more than fashion or music, or even rebellion. Sure these things are called punk, but that's just the orbitting junk. A the heart, punk is an ideology, or set of ideologies really. It's a view of the world that stems from growing up in the consumerist, middle-class, western world. It's a reaction to the untruths and half-truths and controls and injustices foisted on those who grew up in that world. Let me clarify that...not injustices foisted on the members themselves, who tend to have had it pretty good, but the acceptance of injustices done to others.

Punk says we want more than this lame, mind-dulling, corporate greed controlled, pick-a-box-and-crawl-in-like-a-good-little-cog type of world. It refuses to give up it's values and it's sense of right and good.

On a deeper level, it is a disillusioned movement. It sees through the facades and seeks to confront others with that reality. Everything else stems from this. The objectionable lyrics, the wild fashion, the DIY ethic, even the violence associated with some forms of punk is really an attempt to break people out of the illusion that the world is soft and safe.

And of course, all of these things are played out against the varying backdrops and beliefs of punks. Therefore there is not one solid punk identity. We are conservative and liberal, and neither, violent and peaceful, abusive and generous, as varied as the types of people, religions, and politics of the people who are punks. And this diversity, is a reflection of the value on trueness to one's own sense of right and good.

That said, what does it mean to be a grown up punk? It's not fashion, though you can see elements of punk in my clothes, in my choices. I refuse to wear designer labels or prominent labels of any kind. I prefer to make my own, or alter my own clothes to suit my needs. I wear them until they are no more use. My hair is not your typical punk style, but it is also a style that is true to my own sense of rightness. I wear long hair because it is natural and free. It suits my attitude and face. It is a nod to my heritage and an embrace of my true identity.

You can see my punkness in my work choices. It isn't about career. How could it be, this is an illusion. My work has to do good and I refuse to do otherwise or to violate my principles even at my own peril. I currently work for the government where I am faced with political issues, which leads to the next area.

You can see punkness in my politics. I will not join a party or even register to vote. I excercise my God-given and valid democratic right to abstain because the system is corrupt. I will not play nor be used as a pawn in someone's agenda. That blood won't be on my hands. This makes much trouble at work. People often don't get it. My paradigm is different. My policies reflect equity and do not bend to corrupt political will. And I cannot respect those who do. I don't just roll over and accept corruption. I change it, or expose it, or render it ineffective. And failing that, I stand boldly and publically on my conviction. If you disagree, fine, but don't try to coerce or cheat if I know about it.

You can see punkness in my home. I ride my bike where I can so as not to be enslaved to traffic and oil and roads. I make most of my furniture. I keep my yard in a way that is ethical for others and identifies with the ecological reality and the social reality of the world.

So, yes, I am a grown up punk. It is a valid way of life. It is a part of me that will never go away. Like my faith (truly they are intimately tied) it is not something you can stop being. If you used to be Christian, or Punk, then you never really were.

If more people understood this, they'd understand me much better. I'd appear less difficult than principled. Less stubborn or obnoxious than painfully honest.

Not Our World

I was recently struck by this idea. It started with a Head song and lingered in the humus of my mind for a long time, several weeks, until it finally sprouted. It is a simple idea, but one that changes perspective on so many things.

As usual, it has a lot to do with the death of the self. Our own pride, self-serving is the biggest problem we face as individuals and in groups, I think. The great I is always vying for control, and it gets it very easily. One of the surest ways to quiet a troubled mind is to get it occupied on someone else...serving someone else. There can be self-centeredness that comes off arrogant and snooty and there can also be self-centeredness that simply focuses on oneself too much. That is, even focusing on changing ourselves is still a form of self-centeredness.

Anyway, when I meditate on the phrase, "His world" it changes so much of my desire and perspective. His sky, His water, His land, His food, His air, His electrons, His life force. What if, just what if, everything was truly and literally God's. He didn't make it and give it to us, or walk away from it. It's all His. I know this sounds like a truism on the surface, but that's the case with most contemplative revelations. But let it sink and and mull it over so that you think it about everything you look at, everything you do. Every breath you take.

I realized, like really felt it become a reality for me, that I am not in the least in control of any moment of my life. My air could stop, my body can break down, illness can overtake me, rocks can fall from the sky, the air I suck in can poison me, my very cells can lose cohesion and my body disintegrate. I no more make the air I suck in replenish the oxygen in my body than I make the sun come up or go down. There is a universe of complex interactions going on around me all the time. I see this as an ecologist. And we humans have nothing to do with it. We take it for granted. There are places that do not even exist for us. Places in this physical world where humans cannot go... yet they exist. For who? Not for us, certainly. For other beings? Perhaps. ('They just do', is not an answer it's a cop out, so quit thinking it. And no good scientist will accept it either. Only the hacks are satisfied with answers like that. A good scientist would answer, "I don't know." There's a big difference.)

As someone who has experienced evidence of the living God, I can say with certainty that they exists ultimately for God. For His pleasure. Sure, He often has other purposes that we can come to know, but that doesn't negate the root reason, even if some secondary reason serves us.

We delude ourselves into thinking we control anything. We plan and when things go our way, we think we've managed risk well. Bull! We didn't control anything. We just pretended to like the kid who thinks that he has special powers when something he desires actually occurs. If things went well it was pure grace, nothing more.

This leads us into a very submissive frame of mind. I control nothing. I am essentially a toy. I feel sophisticated, but that is simply because I couldn't make me. I may very well be more the complexity of a clay figure than an AI robot. How would I know? Yet for all this, I am given special provision. I am touched by the living God. He talks to me. He feeds me. He cares for me better than wildlife, better than livestock, better than a pet. He treats me like a son, and He even sets me over things He's made. He even merged me into Himself, imparted some of His reality, His prime generating powerful self to me.

The Bible clearly confirms this in verses I have read over many times. For His pleasure we were created...fearfully and wonderfully made...we are God's workmanship...in Him we live and move and have our being...through Him all things were made that have been made...yet not even one (sparrow) falls to the ground apart from Him...

It is humbling and liberating. I am not responsible for my own survival, or the survival of others. My family's welfare does not hinge on me. The fate of society and even the world does not hinge on me. I couldn't destroy it if I wanted to. What I do I do not do out of necessity for survival or responsibility, but out of gratitude and service and fun, as the case may be.

Sapped

I haven't posted much lately because I've been busy and haven't felt that I really had much to say. Today though, through a certain turn of events at work, I realized how susceptible I am to very subtle forms of stress. This form of stress seems to come because I have this nasty habit of caring. Caring about what I do, caring about how my actions affect others. Caring about what I am charged to do in my work. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have this problem. But the thing I can't resolve is that if you give me a job to do, I am going to try my best to succeed at it. Good, right? Well, I thought so until recently. Now I'm more convinced that no one really wants me to do what they charged me with. They just want me to look like I'm doing what I was charged with doing, without really getting in anyone's business of preserving themselves and without rocking any boats.

I have experienced this before years ago at a job. Finally, my solution was to quit trying. I just made life easy on myself. Why bother putting in the energy when no one really wanted me to do it anyway. Now I'm responsible for much more and have a trust bestowed upon me in principle if not in fact, to serve the public interest. I turned out to be pretty good at what I do. For a long time that got me a long way. I had a relatively independent spot and people really liked what I could do with it. Now I'm more in the mix of things and I keep finding myself crammed up against other people who don't seem to care and those who care but don't know what to do about it. So what to do? Stop trying so hard? Do what I'm asked and no more? Put in my time and go home? That would certainly be easier on me. Or do I fight the fight? Keep pressing? Endure and struggle and scrape to get one inch of ground this way and that like moving a 2 ton block?

I can hear the voice of culture and training saying the latter definitely will be rewarded. Press and fight and wear myself away at the wheel. My reward will come. But the voice in my heart says this is false. That I should not place my identity even in these things. That I should not struggle or strive, but simply exist. That I should engage things as water engages the stone. It can't be grasped, it can't be held, just flowing around and over.

I've never been a career-minded person. That is a hollow goal. My job is expedient to my needs right now, but should not own or define me. It's just so hard to stay out of it when surrounded by a constant thrumming of other attitudes. Even if those attitudes prove themselves to be false in the actions of the speakers.

God give me the ability to see that in every situation and to only invest where you tell me to.
Give me the strength to block out the urge to fall for the rhetoric without becoming bitter or lazy.

Great Book

I just read a book that has taken a place among the life-changing reads. Right there with Practice of the Presence, Ishmael, and just about anything by C.S. Lewis. It's called So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore.

It isn't the writing that makes this book so good. It's the content. If you read this blog, you'll know many of the attitudes and struggles I have regarding religion. And if you know me personally, you'll know there are many more than what's made it onto this blog. This book spoke to nearly all of them and a few I hadn't even thought of. And it validates a direction I've been heading over the years without really knowing it and in spite of trying desperately not to go that way.

I received this book as an indefinite loan and shoved it on the shelf to take it's place at the back of the list. At the time, I had just finished Organic Church, which made some great points that I emphatically agree with and made me think. But it had too much of an agenda to really sit well. This book actually addresses the attitude behind Organic Church and points out the flaws in the thinking. But, at the time, I wasn't into another apparently similar book, so I let it lay. But recently, things have come up that I have really been struggling with. Inadequacies and injuries that should not exist in what touts itself as God's Way. And people, when confronted with them in an effort to legitimately gain understanding, react in odd ways. So I was aching inside and the book dropped off the shelf at me...quite literally, it almost walked right out into my hand. So I took that as a sign to read it and can see now how the time was so right.

This kind of thing should not at all be surprising if God is truly alive and willing to be known. (This book addresses that as well!) But I think what struck me the most was that the overall theme is not, 'leave the institutional church'. It isn't 'fix the church as we know it'. It isn't anything like that. If it had been, I wouldn't have liked it. The theme of this book is simply, "follow Jesus". Radically, completely, personally, follow Jesus in direct and real ways. It points out how various styles of contemporary American protestant 'churches' fail at this for various reasons. But the freeing thing is, we don't have to fix it. We can stay or go or do something different because we are only responsible for ourselves. We may be told by Jesus to leave. Or we may be told to stay. The point isn't the outcome. The point is the process. Where we fail is in the process.

It radically redefines for me what it means to be a Christian and blows so many of the old rules and manipulations out of the water. Where to start? I don't want to describe them all here. It would take pages. In short, I'm done playing the games. I want something real. I want the amazing fulfilling life promised in the Bible. I have experienced it and want it back. Unfortunately, at the time, we didn't understand the process and it failed as our corruptions perverted it. But now I can see to the root of it and will be able to avoid it...How? Because it isn't up to me. It's up to Jesus. I just have to follow him with abandon. I'll probably get sucked off into error somehow. But he'll pull me back. And I don't have to worry about the ramifications for others because He is doing the same for every person on the planet. We're all on our own journey.

You see, salvation is for all people. God loves us equally. And Jesus opened the door to draw us all to God. He abolished the old system. I am not responsible for my own salvation and God is not withholding His blessings until I get it all worked out. It isn't a reward/punishment system. This is good news, man! This is the Good Spiel, the Gospel, the Good News. We are free! Every one of of us is loved by God and freed from all the bondage we have created for ourselves. Does that mean people will abuse the freedom. Yes. But that is no excuse to crawl back into the chains.

The thing is, I knew this stuff all along and was afraid to give it sway. I had been shown them and pushed them aside from fear and pride and misteaching. Trust me, I've seen the results of threatening someone's comfort level. When you walk out on the water, people will first try to haul you back in the boat. When you tell them the boat sunk eons ago and they're clinging to an illusion, they freak out and start trying to shove you under! "You need the boat! Heretic! Idiot! Pervert! Thief! Liar! Sink damn you!" And then they turn and defame you as a poor lost soul in need of prayer. When you won't play the game, people get torqued. But I'm going to be ok with that. I have to be. It scares me, yeah, but I've been there before. As I've said before, following Jesus is not an option once you know what's real. To deny it makes me a liar.

So here goes: Your Sunday gathering doesn't make you closer to God. Listening to a concert of songs with praises in them doesn't constitute worship. The building you meet in isn't God's house. You don't have to say a prayer of forgiveness or salvation before God will listen to you. A Christian doesn't look like anything particular. You don't need instruction or covering from professional clergy or denominations. You're job title doesn't make you appointed by God. You're children don't need hyped atmosphere and reward games to stay in church, they need something real and will leave when they are old enough because they will see through it. You can't even go to church! That's like saying, you go to human. Wherever Christians go, there church is. You don't have to save the lost or fix what's wrong; Jesus did that and does that. God's purposes run crosswise through our efforts, including institutions, ministries, home churches, pagans and atheists, and as such the organization or lack thereof is irrelevant. You don't have to figure it out or defend God. God loves you. He died to have you back. And He actively, daily, minute by minute, draws you to Himself in His ways on His timing. This is reality. All you have to do to experience it is quit ignoring it. And God will reveal Himself. He will prove Himself. You need no more faith than to believe He exists and wants you to know Him. You're emotions are ok. You're questions are ok. If you feel uneasy about something it's probably because something is wrong. You don't have to blindly accept it, or "just have faith." And if someone teaches you that, they are probably wrong.

God it feels good to write this!

Bashing

They say that when you ask God for patience, you should be prepared to wait. I think this is true of any lesson. If we ask for it, we have to be prepared for the answer. I think this is part of counting the cost.

I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.

I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.

Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.

Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.

I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.

The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?

I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.

And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!

Headache

I've had a headache for two months now. I'm not kidding. It gets more or less intense, but it hasn't gone away. It's a constant companion reminding me of my frail flesh. I'd love to be rid of it, but haven't found the way.

I've been to two different doctors, done three antibiotics, tried OTC decongestants and pain killers. At best, they give a few hours of lessening, but no remedy. I had a CT scan that said it's a sinus infection, but I have none of the usual symptoms. In fact, my nasal allergies have completely disappeared. I feel great other than this nagging headache. I've got another appointment with a different specialist next week.

I've looked into self-healing. I believe this is possible. I've tried meditation, which can relieve the pain temporarily. I've tried the Unmodify method, to no avail. I'm constantly praying. And I've asked for prayer several times from others.

I don't know if this is a psychosomatic thing, or if there is really something wrong. No one who should know seems too worried about it, so I haven't been either. I started to be afraid of tumors or other weird illnesses until I realized that these would actually be a relief to me since I would be forced out of my complacency and may even face the end of my journey here. For me, this is a serious relief and something very hopeful. Knowing the end of my struggle was coming soon would be such a relief at long last. I have no desire for long life in this miserable dimension. I am merely serving my tour.

I also realized that this pain has kept me focused on God, kept me seeking him at every turn. I also realized that there are many who go through life with far worse pains for far longer. I have a new compassion for them. I also realized that many couldn't afford the medical care or even have access to it, that I do. And this is both a blessing that I have access to it and that I am able to sympathize more with those who don't.

Is there some deeper meaning? I don't know. Can I heal myself of this? I doubt it. Does that mean I am not doing the healing properly? Probably. Is God still in control? Yes. He is my healer whether that be through medicine or meditation or instantaneous cure. I have had my moments where the pain gets the better of me. But for the most part, I am surprised at how calm I have been through this. I definitely want it over. I want to learn what I must from this and move on. But if I must wait, I am finding that I can, and not in anxiousness or anger. Just waiting.

Linux Resolution

True to form, as soon as I finally publicly announced my frustration with Linux, a solution appeared. Not directly as a result of my announcement, but from an entirely different quarter altogether. Once again, proving that those who ask do receive in a Providential way tangled inseparably with the biochemical processes of the brain, etc.

So, how did this happen? Well, when stuck on any problem, it is wise to go back to the root, the last understandable portion and retry. So, I began thinking, about my approach. First, my problem was with the OS, i.e. Ubuntu or Mint. But that was built on Linux, and I was having trouble with the Linux commands...which are based in the Unix programming language. So, I searched for Unix guides and basic Linux guides apart from distributions, OS's, etc. Boom! There was exactly what I needed. The basic how-tos and instructions in the programming language and in how Linux works, etc. I still haven't figured out my problem with the wireless adapter, but I am not spinning helplessly among the jargon.

So armed with this new approach, I looked for more info on the way the OS's are built and what they support. Of course, they aren't built to support the adapter I have...now they tell me, right! But it can be patched to work if you understand the programming language properly. So it isn't a problem with the OS or the language at all. They both do what they were designed to do. It was a problem with my approach. Asking it to work in a way it wasn't designed to.

So that led me to take a fresh look at the OS itself. Would it connect to the internet through cable. No issue, right on. Would it download packages well, no problem. Was it easy to navigate and understand intuitively, yup. Today, I tried out the stuff Mint promised over Ubuntu. DVD's played right out of the box. CD's too. Software is great. The graphics and publishing stuff is similar to what I pay big bucks for at work.

Is it the answer to all the problems? no. Is it a valid option for getting out from under the thumb of microsoft and apple? I'm leaning strongly that way. Will I chuck out this Vista machine? No, of course not. But I might not buy another one. If Linux can make a computer last 10 more years (who even gets 10 years on a windows or mac), it will be worth the effort to reeducate myself.

And the moral? When stuck, step away, ask for help, and let it come. And of course don't forget that changing one's perspective, opinion, mind, etc. is a valid solution.

My latest Odyssey

I have an old laptop. It's too old and slow to run Windows anymore. Even web stuff is too slow. So, I got the idea a year or so ago to try out Linux. I'd heard rumors and occasional shouts from the tech world that this was a great option to get out from under Windows. Actually, my first encounter with it seriously was in a program to provide computers for education to children in the developing world. There is a rugged laptop constructed that uses little power, can be charged from a solar panel, and comes with a Linux based operating system designed just for the purpose. They give them away free.

So, I started looking into it and found that there are so many distributions. The world of Linux is complex. I quickly hit on Ubuntu and that seemed like a good option for a pretty much non-techie. I mean, I'm super proficient with standard software and Windows, but only know enough about the real workings of a computer to be dangerous. And I don't particularly enjoy working on that kind of thing. But my DIY ethic runs deep and a chance to make this thing work without corporate invasion was too tempting.

So I made the leap. There was nothing to lose, the thing was pretty much a paperweight with Windows anyway. Ubuntu worked great for the most part. That was back in the 6 or 7 distro. I loved the applications and the compatibility, and my laptop had a new lease on life.

Then came the problems. I only had one internet connection in the house. So, I couldn't update or download packages for Ubuntu. I found a little thing called Keryx that let you download stuff on Windows and flash stick it over to Ubuntu. But it was real tempermental and required a good knowledge of Terminal and working in code. So I didn't really worry about it. I figured when I got a home network, I'd sort it out.

Then I wanted to connect the laptop to my new Digital TV so I could watch downloads, etc on the big screen. And that was where it all came apart. Where Windows was a simple, plug it in and make it work, Ubuntu was weeks of sorting through complicated forums of semi-repetitious threads that usually went something like this:
"I'm new and I need help with my dual monitors"
"Tell us more"
"I have a Quank 340 with a Whosie processor on a 32 bit tortrat."
"Oh, that's easy! Go to Terminal and type lkkhjiusdbnfkwje
that should produce a grlthjlwjkehnkmsdf. Then you write:
asdf\
trjfnsdf
bjke4898f
dfjerktj
fdlkjsdftk
fjtjtuis
gfnjjr
jkshrtk
jkllkejrtkhuwejkrhkshdfbhejrgyu47477888dftghjv hhyfdg00-0---- nsdtkjhwerhwjyerjkbs
werthjwejkfrhskdjhfkjhwerkuthsdvnn dfg
and that should do it."
"Great that worked out perfectly, thank you so much techie wizards!"

And I had no idea what was said. I know it's some sort of status symbol to know all the tech speak, and I get it, you were picked on as kids, so now you've got the upper hand. But if you actually want people to be able to learn the system, and to expand the use of Linux, you have to have somewhere, anywhere, that SPEAKS BLOODY ENGLISH!

Occasionally I'd find a frustrated post to that affect too, presumably before the person went out and bought a new Windows computer.

But I wasn't going to give up yet. That's just the guards at the entrance to the valley of discovery trying to scare me away. I ran into it in the bike world too. So I dug and scrounged and tried for weeks to make it work. I even consulted friends who I thought might know more, but many techie friends weren't into Linux for the same reasons I'm discussing.

In the end, I was given a windows computer by a friend which I easily set up on the TV and networked to the internet, then built a new housing out of oak, so it matches the furniture (but that's another story) and the laptop was given to my young son to play with, since it worked for his purposes and he was just beginning to learn how computers work.

All was well until I happened to pop into a discount computer store last week and see that refurbished usb wireless adapters were SUPER cheap. A whole shelf full under $10 each. I talked to the sales guy and walked out with one. Of course, I couldn't get it to work with Ubuntu. I tried for a good long time. More forums, etc. So I thought I'd just throw Windows back on there and maybe it'd work as a web terminal for my son who had discovered the internet since the first Linux episode.

That install went well except that the wireless adapter would only work with XP Service Pack 2 or higher. And I couldn't download that because I couldn't get the thing on the internet without the adapter! So I had the idea that network admin people usually have all kinds of stuff like that on flash drives. So I tried to find that download and found several. After a lengthy wait period, I tried them to discover that the file was corrupt. I did this three times.

So on the second full day into this, I tried to wire the laptop through the wireless router via an extra jack. That worked, and I got SP2 on it. The Adapter drivers went on no problem, and the thing was on the internet. But then I needed virus software and went for AVG, which is good. But on that laptop, it made things slower. So then I went for spyware and that bogged it down to the point that I couldn't open anything more than Google and couldn't even have two applications running at once. Windows just wasn't going to work.

So, I downloaded the newest version of Ubuntu, 10.4. The ads promised that it cured all, well most, of the ills everyone knew about Ubuntu. Maybe it did. But those weren't the ills I was having, so back to the forums I went. Now on full day 4, I wired it to the router and boom, it went right on. But the stupid thing has known issues with this particular usb adapter driver. I tried Windows drivers using special cross over aps, I tried using Terminal and couldn't figure out all the techie jargon enough to even know what I was doing. Oh things were happening, but I had no idea what, and when they were done, still no wireless.

I even tried to go back to basics and spent several hours reading primers on Linux, which were only slightly better than the forums. Instead of lines of indecipherable code, I got things like,
"Linux is based on Unix. It was developed as a freeb and gzorndens really seem to fit flabberwidgets much better so after many years the community developed housits to sit on the wobnockers and then someone came up with a windows style GUI." Then it went into more lines of code that actually defined the commands, but DIDN'T define the terms in the DEFINITIONS. So I guess that would all make sense if I had a degree in computer science...in which case I probably wouldn't need the stupid primer anyway! Good God! If I talked that way to people about my field, they'd run me out on a rail! Are there no Interpreters in the IT world who can bring a concept to another audience?! It's either, "this is called a mouse...can you say mouse?" or indecipherable gibberish.

So in desperation, I went back to the all-seeing oracle otherwise known as Google and started asking those kind of questions. (It really is all there, you just have to know how to ask for it.) Pretty quick I hit up on a whole group of people who have said the same things. People who happen to be Techies. I even found some who are Linux proponents. And that brings us to today, where I sit downloading Mint, which promises to be Ubuntu (which is supposed to be Linux for the rest of us) that actually IS for the rest of us: clean forums, all drivers out of the box, etc. It's Irish, and I'm hopeful that the Irish good folk common sense and poignant cut-the-crap attitude will make this what I need. C'mon Ireland, a distant son needs your help!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Pain, Death, Rebirth

I don't have much of an idea what pain is. I mean real physical pain. I like to think I do, but I don't think many of us in the US even know what it is. I'm sure there are some. I know at least one person who does. But most of us are soft and whiny. I know I am. I am bothered by relatively minimal complaints. I am coming to believe that true strength, true heartiness, is not the absence of pain, but the ability to focus through it, to press on in spite of it.

This splices in nicely with other things I've been thinking. I am always put off by the focus on help in modern Christianity. Certainly rest for the weary and help are prominent features in the Bible. But this does not come at the exclusion of pain or suffering. When we focus too much on the help and the good, it sounds hollow.

I've recently heard a series of testimonials...the standard 'how has life changed for you now that you follow Christ' thing. Most are stupid, vapid comments like, "things are just good, and, you know, like stuff is better..." Most of these people weren't living in horrible circumstances, so their life hasn't changed much. That is not to say they haven't undergone a metanoia of their own, but what are we advertising here? This isn't some motivational seminar. We accept Christ because 1. we come to believe his claims are true and/or 2. we have no other alternative left before us. I don't believe there are any other reasons, but I invite anyone to point out other valid ones.

So, working from this perspective, the help is a nice feature, but not at all a requirement. Accepting a fact as a fact isn't an option. Whether you believe you will fall from a cliff or not, you will nonetheless fall. And whether a blind person believes the sky to be blue does not change the fact that those who see call the sky blue. It is true. This is the Gospel: Not so much, what can Jesus do for you, but that the God, the origin of all things has entered our time line to restore our rebellious ruined and doomed race back to what it was intended to be, along with the world we drug down with us. The only question, the only point of faith, is if we're right. And this is only a question because God has yet to submit to our will. He operates as He sees fit, and what else would we expect from a God who is actually God. I would certainly doubt a God who felt a need to convince me of anything.

And if we come by the second path, regardless of what we may believe to be true, we can come to such a broken helpless place, a place so aware of our own depravity and ruin that we will call out in sheer desperate hope. These, our God has promised never to ignore, so though they may not logically assent to everything, they will cling out of sheer desperate hope and find that hope not to be forsaken.

I personally have come by this path and in time found the first as well. So whether anyone else likes it, believes it, or accepts it. I am convinced. More than convinced. I have actually died. In some extratemporal spiritual way, I know the point of my own death and I know the meaning of being hidden in Christ, buried and resurrected with Him. It changes perspective on everything.

It wasn't until the point of my own death in a very real and final way that I truly understood that God existed and how. It was in that moment of final release of myself that I found I was not in a void, but held tightly by loving arms. That space was far from empty, but crammed full of Him. Truly not crammed full, but our universe is within Him, contained. He is inescapable.

I know that doesn't make much sense on the surface, but it is true. And because of it, I can't approach belief, evangelism, or whatever other Christian trappings, in the way many do. For some reason unknown to me, when I died, I was placed exactly back in the very moment of my previous timeline. I know the moment well. I felt my world blow away and reform. My physical heart still beats, my body still functions, but the real me, the soul, the part that makes me alive, had died and been reborn. I didn't want to come back. I wanted to be dead. But that is no longer for me to decide. Not I but Christ in me, lives and acts. Of course the ghosts, the shadows of my old nature still haunt the system. Some bugs are deep in the code of my being. But I don't want to fix them, I want to kill them with the rest of my old self.

So please don't come to me with hollow ideas of daisies and roses Jesus. I don't want to be fixed. I want to be dead! And if anything good remains it isn't me, its Christ. Accepting Him was irrevocable because I died to do it. And I am coming to understand that pain, that conflict, that suffering, are all parts of the dead man. I was sent back here to accomplish His purposes and I can truly say with Paul that neither physical death nor life matter any more to me because to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Single Speed

I love bicycles. They are very liberating things. The most mechanically efficient form of land transportation, they are marvels of ingenuity. Not like the open-ended wonders that require subscriptions to keep running or constant drains on resources to use. They are complete units that any person can use. They are quiet, clean, noninvasive. There are no traffic jams on a bike. And in our increasingly sedentary lives, they are a bright spot of physical activity and serotonin release.

I am fortunate enough to be able to ride my bike to work. This is partly good planning on my part, and partly Providence. So, I ride for a useful purpose. When I started, it quickly became clear that modern bikes are over-engineered. They have lots of gadgety conveniences that get in the way and do not actually help the bike function. Did you know that in a 21 speed bike, several of those "speeds" actually repeat when you look at hte gear ratios? And others are so outside of the range of normal human riding that even athletes rarely use them. Most people only use 3 to 5 of the speeds.

So, big deal, right? It's just extra junk that we may use when we finally decide to bike up Mount Everest. But in my daily commute I began to see the downside. This extra engineering takes constant maintenance, and eventually the bike stops functioning well, and Murphy's law holds very true...it will stop functioning at the worst possible moment. Here's an example. I have to cross a big road with cars whizzing by way too fast. When I get an opportunity, I take it, pedalling hard to get across quickly. But the sudden torque causes the derailleur to bounce and the chain to skip and all of a sudden, I'm in the middle of traffic spinning my feet wildly with no traction and trying not to get run over.

OK, so I could get better parts that wouldn't do this...If I wanted to spend several hundred dollars on them...which wouldn't be worth it on the average bike, so I might as well buy a better bike, which in the end costs as much as a cheap car! Who can afford this? Even if I could I wouldn't pay it. It's a matter of DIY Punk solidarity with the oppressed masses who just need reliable transport. Me and Snake and Chin Lau and Rajeem and Paulo represent the literal billions worldwide who aren't part of this rich elitist bike club.

Fortunately, there is an answer. Single Speed! More than a type of bike, it's a lifestyle choice, a statement, a reaction to the evils of bigger, better consumer culture. And it's embraced by people from competitive athletes to street punks all over.

So, I was hooked. But I'm cautious. I started riding single speed by simply not shifting for a year or so. I slowly learned more about how bikes work. I discovered that I have a pretty decent bike for making the switch and I learned what gear ratio worked best for me. Then, about 3 months ago, I decided to make the switch. Of course this is not without it's corporate invasion and I could easily buy rather pricey conversion kits, or loose parts. But I'd prefer to do it street style!

So I tried to scavenge up some parts through Freecycle. I got lots of bikes, but all seemed broken in the same ways (can anyone say design flaw?) or didn't have what I needed. So I just removed the mech and ran a short chain on my existing gears. This worked great until I hit a rough patch of gravel and the chain bounced high enough to catch the pick ups on the gear above it. Being just long enough to fit the cog I had chosen, it bound tight, freezing my hub.

To make a long story short, I ended up having to buy a new wheel after learning just how thoroughly entrenched the man actually is in the surprisingly political bike world. I was flat refused service, as soon as they caught drift of my intentions, by certain bike shops that I now know are not in the single speed camp. I'm not kidding.

So then it was a matter of finding the other parts. After lengthy internet searches, refusals by bike shops even to advise me, and attempts to grossly overcharge, I ordered what I needed from some websites. All the while still collecting bikes form Freecycle, hoping to hit up on good parts.

This all came to a head this week after 4 hours trying to make the dang thing work with the new parts and still getting chain problems. I spent a sleepless night dreaming about bike gears and the next day, finally hit on the vocabulary to describe my problem. I then quickly found a solution on the internet and now have a beautiful DIY Punk single speed bike that still cost far less than buying an overpriced attempt to suck in the faddies and posers.

And as bonus, several kids have gotten new bikes out of it from me. The guy who drives around scavenging metal to scrap from people's trash has gotten a boost in his income from my curb. The neighborhood knows I can fix 'em for free and takes advantage of it. And I even ended up with a back-up bike and parts in case another unforeseen problem crops up with my design!

So, this is not simply a funny story of reverse engineering, nor a case of taking a beating for ideals, though it is both of those things. Deeper than that, this is an illustration of the simplicity on the far side of complexity. A journey through the valley of discovery with all its trials wherein the truth-seeker finally arrives at the goal only after persevering in the path, battered, but triumphant. This is real human experience, bro!

Chronology

I have blogged on time before, but this is not so much on the nature of time as on the timing of events. Somethings precede other things. Layers below other layers were laid down first. It's a foundational principle of geology. The beginning of a story comes before the end. I learned something before I knew how to do it. Everything happens in sequences.

But in my life, in my perception, things seem to happen out of joint sometimes. An event can come before it's cause. A explanation may come before the question. It's really bizarre when it happens.

Sometimes it isn't so much out of sequence as just vastly distanced. For example, yesterday I was talking with my boss at work about an idea to resolve a particular situation. I would need to revise a document and possibly build a program out of it. He said to take my time because there was no rush. So today, I remembered that I had already written something related in the past. I couldn't remember why, other than at the time I thought it might be useful someday. So I found the document and it was exactly what I had been asked to write the day before. It perfectly addressed the very situation that I was facing, that didn't arise until the past month or so. And I wrote it in 2007!

I wrote the answer before I even perceived the question! Before I even foresaw that the question would come! Now of course, maybe I did simply know my job well enough to think through possibilities and it was all just good planning. But come on...I didn't change anything in it. It was exactly what I needed to write. And at the time there was no impetus to write it. I just thought it might be a good idea someday and then filed it away. Even the fact that I remembered it is amazing to me. Just last weekend I completely forgot that I had written something that I wrote only a week or two before. Someone showed it to me and I didn't recognize that I had written it. They told me I had...after which time I did finally remember.

I would just think this is one of those weird coincidences and explain it away if it weren't for the comments of my spiritual director a while ago. He said to me while we were talking that I had been seeing things happen out of time sequence. I hadn't told him I was having that happen. He just knew it because that's what happens with spiritual directors. It's a relationship arranged by God. But I hadn't thought about it before. He told me that this was common among contemplatives because reality is beyond time and when we start to move in that world, this one becomes far less stable...or rather we begin to see how unstable this world really is.

It's really true. From time to time, I'll have a moment click and it feels like tumblers fall into place, unlocking a bit more of the door. In that click, I can see how all the other dials and plates had been turning to align across time so that at this one moment the tumbler would fall into place. Some of those plates are nearer, others are behind, and they don't necessarily align in sequence.