Like an animal

I have learned so much from animals and nature. There's is a world only ruined by association. This means it functions much closer to perfection and where the affects of ruination are felt they are handled more like they would be handled in a perfect state.

Right now, I'm thinking of how animals and even plants (which are far more responsive than people think, only on a much slower time scale) do not judge. If they form opinions, they do not affect behavior in any large degree. They take each action or event as it comes, they tolerate massive amounts of wrong, and they are slow to learn fear or hate while being quick to forgive.

I wonder if I can learn to live like this. Can I not expect, not interpret, not figure? Can I learn to simply be and watch and react appropriately? I've spent years thinking about things in hopes of reaching peace through ultimate understanding. If I could see how things all work, I'd be able to rest in that just like when you understand your surgery or illness you feel less anxious about it. Not that I ever thought I would get to the end, but it was the distant goal that defined a paradigm.

But now I'm starting to realize that this may not be the answer. Like Solomon returning to rest in meaninglessness, I'm finding that understanding brings no peace.

No matter what I learn, I feel like I've done all this before. Had these realizations, cycled around, and nothing has really changed.

I recognized the cycles before, but I envisioned them spiraling upward where each cycle was a little closer to truth. But I doubt that now.

Now I want to get off the train. I want to watch it draw away from me and take all it's energy and activity with it. I want to look and simply see what is there, not be preoccupied with things that aren't there. Wars and rumors of wars, a chasing after the wind, trying to capture shadows. I want to see feel what is there without having to analyze, systematize and categorize. I just want to feel and let the feeling go into the next, good, bad, sad, or indifferent.

I want a simple and gentle yet unabashed honesty, like animals, to the greatest degree I can.

Weather mood

Ok, so this blog gets a lot of dark or negative posts. But that's ok. That's a big part of me, and this blog is a way to process thoughts and feelings. So it's ok.

Right now, I've been trying hard to not bury the things that have come to the surface in me. I am hoping to let them heal while I have the chance. That's when I realized how much external circumstances affect my mood. Part if if thinks it shouldn't be that way, but then it seems perfectly natural for anyone connected to the world around them. So maybe the aversion is just some form of social expectation perhaps filtered through my conservative show no flaws upbringing. So as I said in the last post, I'm giving myself permission to just react and feel.

I live in a place with the worst weather I've ever experienced. We haven't had a fully sunny day since I got here 5 months ago, and for the last three it's been cold and drizzly all the time. There's not so much rock around here, but a good deal of clay, so whatever is paved is covered in a black or green slick and what isn't is a slime of sticky mud.  To make matters worse, the place is not well adapted to it, so buildings are cold and heated by stoves that create exceedingly dry indoor conditions. Then the walls are thin and paper, so you have to close the doors and hang plastic to keep any kind if heat in.

So life is a dark suffocatingly dry existence in a fluroescent lit paper box with no outside viewpunctuated by trips through a hallway a coulpe degrees above freezing. Or trips outside in sleety drizzle and mud.

It's not cold enough to outright snow, so it's just sodden gray. Hard to do anything outside or inside. I really hate it. My mood suffers with it and I find my spirits suddenly lift and literally get excitied when the sun peeks out. But around here it is either about to rain or just did. So in literal minutes the sun will be completely blanketed in a low gray sky again, and the chill penetrates into my soul again.

I check the extended forecast daily and can't wait for warm up, and hopefully some sun. I also count the days until I can leave here.

God, I hope I can make it through this. I have not hated a place like this in my entire life...except maybe high school, but at least then, my bright life-giving friend was always accessible just outside when I could sneak out to find him. Then maybe the winter vacations my family took as a kid where we'd sit for hours rocking along dirt roads through the southewst US trapped in a trick with my family that all got along. (The only thing we agreed on was that I was the black sheep.) Only to jump out in the cold, which I was perpetually underdressed for 10 minutes at a time before moving on. But even that was just a week or two and the sun came out sometimes.

Back off

Today I find myself feeling embarrassed for nothing really, just for being me, for being here, etc.  I guess I'm feeling tired of having to live up to people's expectations.  It's funny how even people with a reputation for bucking the system still end up confined by expectations.  Maybe it's just my own expectations.  Maybe it's all in my own head, brought on by the isolation of this life.  I spend hours without saying a word, just ghosting around people who barely notice I'm there.

The few friends who know about it are not any help.  They pretty much don't get it at all and can't figure out why I don't fit their expectations of how I should be reacting in this situation, or how they think they'd react, or whatever.  To be fair, some people are true.  Those people I value.  If you think you're one of them, you're probably wrong and if you aren't sure, then it might be you.  But while I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm not ok right now.  So this is my time to get sorted.  So you're just going to have to deal with it.

I suppose I could break out of this funk.  I could push myself into other dynamics.  But I don't really want to.  I would love to see the people I care about here, but they are far far away, far enough that it's not much different than when I lived in the US.

I'm disappointed with this experience, with myself, with what I'm learning about myself, etc.  The one thing I want to do is just not think, not pretend, just be whatever I am at the moment I want space to be that and I'm going to freaking take it.  So everyone should just butt out.  I'm giving myself permission to feel angry and sad and lonely and disappointed and hurt and to be quiet and to hate small talk and talking on the phone and one-sided friendships and F&'(##$% Skype.

I'm going to simply react and be for awhile.  So fair-warning, if this bothers you or hurts you in some way, just stay away from me.  I'm ceasing to strive in any way.  I am what I am good and bad and in between and I'm not pretending or apologizing for it.  So stop expecting things.

Real change

I'm obviously trying to process a lot lately, which is why I've been posting a lot.  If you find this at random, you might not know that this blog is a place for me to process ideas and emotions, to think out what's going on in and around me.  It's raw and barely edited, some proofing, but largely it is as it comes in the moment, left for you in the off chance that you might find some value in it.

So right as I'm starting to get my feet under me and figure up from down after uprooting my life, giving up my career and moving around the world, I'm now struck by a disturbing thought.  As I sit her late at night listening to the wind swirling outside, I feel a strong inclination that what I'm thinking has all happened before.  Good or bad, I don't know yet.  So that's what I'm hoping to find out here.

I am not happy here, as much as I try to relax into it, to accept it, to let me own desires go, I just don't want to be here.  It's not the country as a whole, it's this particular place and situation.  It's not without it's blessings and charms, but I still on a whole want out.  Only 220 more days or so to go!  But that isn't the disturbing thought.

I was thinking of how to capitalize on this, how to make the best of it, and the thought occurred to me that by making my feelings know I might be shooting myself in the foot.  I should probably, at least publicly milk it for what it's worth and when I return home, spin it into a grand learning experience in which I accomplished quite a bit, even over a rocky start, and boost myself right into something.

Even this isn't the really disturbing part, as Machiavellian and disingenuous as it is, I know my potential to be a politician, to manipulate, so I'm not surprised by that.  But that's when it hit me that this has happened before.  And it worked!  That's what disturbs me.  Eventually I might have even started to believe it!  Which again, isn't the first time, because to sell a con, you have to believe it first.

So I may be wrong.  I may be misjudging myself, as a mentor has told me.  But let's just play out this perspective for a bit and see.  So here goes, this is likely going to hurt.

When I came here before, I wasn't perfectly happy either.  The job was very similar, though I had a few opportunities to sink my teeth in and better relationships that have been lifelong.  But it wasn't perfect and I was reluctant to return, but did for many reasons.  I always wanted to go back, so I started about a process to try to make it possible.  Very quickly opportunities presented themselves and through a little planning, and mostly capitalizing on the opportunities by looking long range, I was able to work my way into a position that received a prestigious award from the government of the country I am now in and made me quite well known in the circles I traveled in my home.  I don't want to over blow this.  Most people wouldn't have a clue who I am and many in the circles wouldn't know me either.  But the point is it worked for my purposes and I was able to keep doors open and here I am.  I'm not even really sure I got well evaluated for the job, but am pretty confident my reputation scooted me through on the grease I laid with my con skills.

So I could do this again.  I could start paving the way now and just to prove it, I'll talk about how.  I'd start by ceasing all negative comment in a remotely public setting, then removing any that have been published on the internet.  Those that remain would be chalked up to a weak moment if ever questioned, who among us doesn't have those, and look at the risks I took, it's natural, right?  Then I'd start manipulating my current workplace.  They have no idea what to do with me and they all either care about their careers or their mission to educate, which is admirable, and open to predation.  So I'd start feeding each teacher what they want to hear and insert my own ideas into their minds by small suggestions until I get to start something that I already know will fail, but which won't be evaluable.  See the success is not important, it's legitimizing the effort.  I just need to be able to say I did, x, y ,z while here.  Then I'll look for some public ways to verify that by starting some social media posts, or groups, organizing the others on the program here for certain small scale events, even starting something regularly to show that I can.  Doesn't matter how well it goes, because like I said, no one really cares.  I just set it up so it keeps my face and name in front of people for later.

Then upon returning, I'll look for opportunities, which won't be hard to find, since I did legitimately put in a lot of time building the persona and no one wants to fill it.  So I can easily take it right back.  At that point, it will be really hard for anyone to verify anything I say, so if I put on the right body language and key phrases, I could even end up getting a job out of it.  None of it is a lie.  None of it would be outright false.  But it's still all a front, a sham designed to get me something.

So is that what I'll do?  I could recount so many instances of doing things like this in other parts of my life.  Like they said in one of my favorite movies, the Prestige, to pull off a deception like this, your life has to BE the con.  You have to LIVE it.

Am I evil?  Do I do hurtful things with my manipulations?  No.  In fact, I do a lot of good with them.  But they are still all masks.  Here in this life, I'm learning to be more honest and open.  I've so far refused to use those tactics.  I'm letting others flounder around when I see so many opportunities to take the reigns to some degree.

Or am I flattering myself?  Is all of this I'm saying the actual fiction?  Maybe I am not so deceptive, nor even so skilled.  The problem is I can't tell.  But I am well aware that to do the same things produces the same results.  So to get different results you have to do different things.  This is why people will occasionally disappear from public life.  Or sell out of being a lawyer to be a lawn guy.  So I came here in an attempt to change the story of the rich young ruler and to actually get out of the boat and see if I can walk on water.  So what happens next?  If you read this, you'll have your answer...unless it's just another play in my long game.

Not for me

I am amazed at how selfish I am.  I don't think of myself as selfish, and others might call me generous.  But I recently had a realization that stands out to me as more than my own thoughts.  I think this because for one, it hasn't faded.  One thing, I think it was Black Elk, said was that you can tell dreams from visions because dreams fade and visions don't.  I have found it applies to thoughts as well.

Secondly, it brought the most peace I've had since this whole process of moving to the other side of the world started.  I've prayed and sought counsel and prayed, and meditated, and read, and prayed and sought more counsel, but it has been a hugely uphill climb for me, one thing after another.  I think I'm cresting the peak, and there's another just behind it.  I still haven't hit the level ground yet, I just think I'm starting to get used to the struggle.

This revelation was simply, "this isn't about you."  Specifically, this whole process, wasn't for me.  This whole journey, adventure, call it what you will, it was not me who wanted it, and I'm the one enjoying it the least and struggling the most.  I honestly did all of this for my family.  Sure, when I was the one offered the job, I thought maybe there was something for me.  When it all kept working out, I thought it must be meant to be.  But I never knew what that reason or purpose was.  Through everything, in my deepest heart, I didn't want to do this.  Sure I hoped it would work out and I even built a few castles in the air about the whole thing, but I couldn't escape this reluctant feeling.  So sure enough, when things got difficult, I second guessed, I thought we had made the wrong choice, I looked for ways to undo it and salvage what I could of my life.

But meanwhile, my wife and kid are doing quite well.  They've had their ups and downs, some of them pretty serious.  But overall, I think they would call this positive, apart from what it's done to me.  I get that, because the first time we did this (yep, it's all happened before) I was having a great time and my wife was struggling deeply.  She just carries her burdens differently.  Our kid was too young then to have a bad experience as long as mom and dad are there, so he was fine.  This time though, they have work, friends, they even get invited places.  I'm the one that is sick all the time, with little to do, nowhere to go, only the merest acquaintances for friends, working a pointless dead end job with very little respect that ranges from polite disregard to outright disrespect (the head at one of my work locations told me last week that he liked my predecessor better, in nearly as many words as that, thought he still won't tell me why or what he expects me to do differently, and he's one of the nicer ones).

So again, I prayed and searched and kept coming up dry.  But then, I don't even remember when it occurred, the phrase passed through me mind like an electric shock.  I'm part of their story too.  We can't be separated, physically, spiritually, or in the narrative of our lives.  So this time it's their turn.  My wife even wrote that in her application essay (we both applied for work; I got in and she didn't).  So here we are, they're enjoying it and I'm not.  But that's because this isn't about me.  It's for them.

I understand that nothing is ever that simple.  I also know that such revelations are for the moment and, as George MacDonald termed it, become inedible tomorrow, like the manna in the desert.  But that doesn't negate the value.  It is sustaining me for the moment, and that is exactly what I needed.  Something to sustain me, to give me a reason to get up and keep doing this.  And it also gives me a reason to shut up a little.  I can't hide my struggles from my family.  That would be to make matters worse.  But I can also, as much as I am able, not inhibit their ability to enjoy and gain from these experiences, which appear to have a prewritten close.  We didn't know it coming in, but I had prayed not to have to make the decision to stay or return, and it appears that has been granted too, thank God. But that's a story for another time.

Right now, I'll take the consolation I can get and I'll continue to try to learn from this all...that's what I do.  And right now, I'm learning how selfish I still am.  A mentor of mine once said that self-centeredness has many manifestations.  We all know the bratty child (or adult) that has to have everything their way.  But focusing on ourselves in other ways is just as much selfishness because it's still self-centered.  We can be entirely self-deprecating and still be as selfish as the brat.  To cease being selfish, we have to cease putting ourselves at the center of our own universe.  And this is not something I can do on my own.  Nonetheless, it must happen.  So I'm going to open myself once more, and hopefully a little wider, to the saving, transforming power of the Lord of Spirits.

God you know my heart better than I do.  You know my needs and my desires.  You know my abilities and my flaws.  I am what I am and in myself that is as much as I'll ever be.  If I am to be anything more, to be better, to be greater, freer, more real, complete and alive, then you have to do it.  I can not.  You know I've tried.  And you know how I've continued to fail and strain and lie.  So here goes, one more time, hands off the rope.

Dog and Lamb

God I am broken and my heart is heavy. I have lost what little joy I had. I am the lost lamb and the sheep dog at the same time.

I saw you point so I ran. I didn't know why, but I always want to go where you point so I went. Then I crested a hill and could not see anything. I could not see you. I looked around. I didn't know where to go. I yelled for you. In the distance I thought I heard your whistle. But I couldn't tell where. I yelled again and your whistle was fainter, but I thought it was the signal to go on. Maybe I would find what you sent me for.

The way has gotten rocky and cold, wet and dark. I cannot see the sun. I cannot hear you. I yell and yell.

When I can't see you, I listen for your whistle or the thumping of your staff on the ground. But I can't see anything. I can't hear anything.

I don't know where to go or what to do, so I will find a sheltered place and wait. It's too dark to see. I am cold and lost and hungry, but I will wait for you to find me, to carry me home.

Have I failed? I want to say I acted in faith, but a voice inside says, "did you?" I would not blame someone else in this case, but I want to blame myself. So I will not listen to this voice. I don't want to hear it any more. Even if I am at fault, don't I also receive forgiveness?

I hear the scratching and clawing of beasts around the crevice of rock I crawled in. It is cold but dry and the crawling things that live here do not bite. They have let me in. But the beasts can smell me. I can smell them. I have fought them before. I have been brave when you were coming, when you sent me. But I am too cold and sick. I hurt in many places and I can't see in this dark. They keep reaching for me, but they haven't found me yet. When light comes, I will try to find my way back to where I last heard you. If the beasts don't get me first. But even that seems better than this cold lonely dark.

Left and lost continued

I'm really attempting to change my thinking, and the last post seems full of a lot of focus on the negative while filtering the positive. So here is my ungainly attempt to alter my focus.

It isn't all bad. Pay is good, all three of us are working.

Medical is insanely cheap and good quality. In fact it's so cheap I feel like the rich guy who balks at prices. What they call expensive is still a quarter of what I'd pay even with insurance in the US.

People have helped us whenever we really need it, sometimes going out of their way significantly, like finding us this house. Which while very old and below standard for most US houses is crazy cheap with a very sweet and kind landlord who lives right next door.

Work is super easy.

Nature is beautiful and easily accessible here. Fences are pretty much unheard of, even for dogs.

There are lots of artisan type places with handmade goods, specialty foods, etc. Including the best real Italian pizza I've ever had.

Crime is negligible. Our door doesn't even have a lock from the inside and stores leave stock out all night. People abhor violence here for the most part and even fights are tame compared to the US.

People are super polite, even if this is one of the ruder areas of the country. Even the tough guy says thanks and excusie me if he goes ahead of you at the checkout line. Store staff are helpful and actially try to get things right.

There are a couple of bright-spot people I really am glad to know here.

We don't have to travel far for anything. A long way off is a 20 minute car ride, and an hour is  something of day trip. You never get stuck in massive inching backups which were my daily commute for so many years.

So I guess this kind of works.