Not for me

I am amazed at how selfish I am.  I don't think of myself as selfish, and others might call me generous.  But I recently had a realization that stands out to me as more than my own thoughts.  I think this because for one, it hasn't faded.  One thing, I think it was Black Elk, said was that you can tell dreams from visions because dreams fade and visions don't.  I have found it applies to thoughts as well.

Secondly, it brought the most peace I've had since this whole process of moving to the other side of the world started.  I've prayed and sought counsel and prayed, and meditated, and read, and prayed and sought more counsel, but it has been a hugely uphill climb for me, one thing after another.  I think I'm cresting the peak, and there's another just behind it.  I still haven't hit the level ground yet, I just think I'm starting to get used to the struggle.

This revelation was simply, "this isn't about you."  Specifically, this whole process, wasn't for me.  This whole journey, adventure, call it what you will, it was not me who wanted it, and I'm the one enjoying it the least and struggling the most.  I honestly did all of this for my family.  Sure, when I was the one offered the job, I thought maybe there was something for me.  When it all kept working out, I thought it must be meant to be.  But I never knew what that reason or purpose was.  Through everything, in my deepest heart, I didn't want to do this.  Sure I hoped it would work out and I even built a few castles in the air about the whole thing, but I couldn't escape this reluctant feeling.  So sure enough, when things got difficult, I second guessed, I thought we had made the wrong choice, I looked for ways to undo it and salvage what I could of my life.

But meanwhile, my wife and kid are doing quite well.  They've had their ups and downs, some of them pretty serious.  But overall, I think they would call this positive, apart from what it's done to me.  I get that, because the first time we did this (yep, it's all happened before) I was having a great time and my wife was struggling deeply.  She just carries her burdens differently.  Our kid was too young then to have a bad experience as long as mom and dad are there, so he was fine.  This time though, they have work, friends, they even get invited places.  I'm the one that is sick all the time, with little to do, nowhere to go, only the merest acquaintances for friends, working a pointless dead end job with very little respect that ranges from polite disregard to outright disrespect (the head at one of my work locations told me last week that he liked my predecessor better, in nearly as many words as that, thought he still won't tell me why or what he expects me to do differently, and he's one of the nicer ones).

So again, I prayed and searched and kept coming up dry.  But then, I don't even remember when it occurred, the phrase passed through me mind like an electric shock.  I'm part of their story too.  We can't be separated, physically, spiritually, or in the narrative of our lives.  So this time it's their turn.  My wife even wrote that in her application essay (we both applied for work; I got in and she didn't).  So here we are, they're enjoying it and I'm not.  But that's because this isn't about me.  It's for them.

I understand that nothing is ever that simple.  I also know that such revelations are for the moment and, as George MacDonald termed it, become inedible tomorrow, like the manna in the desert.  But that doesn't negate the value.  It is sustaining me for the moment, and that is exactly what I needed.  Something to sustain me, to give me a reason to get up and keep doing this.  And it also gives me a reason to shut up a little.  I can't hide my struggles from my family.  That would be to make matters worse.  But I can also, as much as I am able, not inhibit their ability to enjoy and gain from these experiences, which appear to have a prewritten close.  We didn't know it coming in, but I had prayed not to have to make the decision to stay or return, and it appears that has been granted too, thank God. But that's a story for another time.

Right now, I'll take the consolation I can get and I'll continue to try to learn from this all...that's what I do.  And right now, I'm learning how selfish I still am.  A mentor of mine once said that self-centeredness has many manifestations.  We all know the bratty child (or adult) that has to have everything their way.  But focusing on ourselves in other ways is just as much selfishness because it's still self-centered.  We can be entirely self-deprecating and still be as selfish as the brat.  To cease being selfish, we have to cease putting ourselves at the center of our own universe.  And this is not something I can do on my own.  Nonetheless, it must happen.  So I'm going to open myself once more, and hopefully a little wider, to the saving, transforming power of the Lord of Spirits.

God you know my heart better than I do.  You know my needs and my desires.  You know my abilities and my flaws.  I am what I am and in myself that is as much as I'll ever be.  If I am to be anything more, to be better, to be greater, freer, more real, complete and alive, then you have to do it.  I can not.  You know I've tried.  And you know how I've continued to fail and strain and lie.  So here goes, one more time, hands off the rope.

Pain

Pain is an incredible teacher.  For one thing, you can't ignore it.  If you think you can, then you don't know the capacity a human has to feel pain.  I'm talking about physical pain.

I was recently knocked down by something I didn't even know could happen and which is so painful, I've only experienced one thing more so.  I have hurt so bad from one particular ailment that I come very close to blacking out, which would be a blessing, let me tell you.  This is not as bad as that, but nearly so.

Thank God there are specialists who can relieve this pain in a simple procedure.  The procedure itself hurts and continues to for a while, but the cured hurt is different and more bearable.

I'm not going into details because pain is a very relative phenomenon.  If I were to tell you what it was, some of you would think it's no big deal.  Perhaps you may have even experienced the same and it didn't bother you as much.  This would lead you to judge me, even if in a very small way.

But this is exactly what I wanted to write about.  I tend to be, and used to be much more so, ascetic and willful.  I tend to believe we can endure, not be weak, so forth.  After experiencing such pain, internal, external, physical and emotional, I am becoming much softer and genuinely compassionate.  This time, I have learned to be more understanding of the relative nature of pain.  What hurts each of us is different and we can't know how much it hurts another.  What we may disregard may be excruciating to another.

I have often been guilty of silently and openly judging, belittling, and even mocking other people's pain.  Most people would not call me a monster, but I know myself and I am seeing this aspect more clearly now.

I hope to never experience these pains again.  I will take precautions to avoid it.  But I pray I will NEVER in ANY case make light of what another feels again.

I may not know how to respond.  It may even seem silly to me.  But I hope I can keep this experience as a reminder that I am not as tough as I like to think.  That I can, at any moment, be taken out by the smallest and most sudden thing.  And that there is no objectivity to pain--what someone feels is real to them.

They may actually feel it stronger than I do.  They may just not know how to cope with it and therefore it feels worse to them.  Fear may intensify the actual physical sensations.  But regardless, the person feeling it is the only one who can judge.  I now understand even more deeply the meaning of mercy and sympathy.

I have also been helped in this time in a humbling and genuine way by someone who does not have to.  It has not been pleasant or easy for them.  It is a pure act of love.  Experiencing this has crushed my pride and roused such a deep, deeper love in return.

There are huge universal truths at work here that my words can't even approach.  But then that's why we must experience rather than just talk about things.  It's the only way to learn.

To the one who helped me, I will love you forever.  There are no words to express my gratitude.

To the doctors who can and did help in such short order, and who followed up with me just to see if I was ok, you are what medicine is about. Thank God for you and I hope you will share that perspective with a thousand other doctors.

And to anyone I have wronged by belittling, downplaying, or misunderstanding your pain, I am truly sorry.  I can't go back.  But I will pay it forward...or to use the archaic phrase, I have repented.  I will make right the wrongs I've done and honor the good done to me by doing 10 times better for whoever I cross paths with, God help me.

And if you are in pain, know you are not alone.  I will ease it in whatever way I can.  If you know me in person, I will not turn you away.   If this blog is our only interaction, know that each word is fortified with intention and love for you.  I trust that the Source of all goodness, who is at this moment and always making right every wrong, will provide what you need most in this very moment...now.

Practicum Part 3

I knew it would come.  I think I have my resolution.  It came today in what I can only describe as a moment of spiritual revelation.  As usual, this will not translate into words very well.  But I'm documenting it anyway.

A new person started at work this week and guess what?  Yep.  Not married, but I have it on good authority.  It will be a hard road working amongst these rough field guys, and doubly so because he was sort of foisted on to them by a management decision.  I'm pretty sure this detail of his personality hasn't, shall we say...come out.

So today as I was leaving I had a desire to reach out and be friendly, even though this person doesn't work for or with me.  It was simply an offhand greeting with a little more friendliness than perhaps is typical.  Simple, but a reaching out nonetheless.  It stems from a desire to be Christ-like to others.  Caring for widows, orphans, and foreigners.

So then on the way home it hit me that I had a desire to reach out simply because he was an outsider and I understand how that could be hard.  Then from somewhere deep it flooded over me that it is wrong to create difficulty for people.  Not just wrong here, but wrong in my conundrum about marriage.  How could I imitate Jesus who didn't "break a bruised reed" if I was at all harsh or declarative about things I believe.  I would never do anything toward this person but show them respect and kindness, regardless of their situation, so it should be the same for everyone.

It wasn't an intellectual understanding.  It was less clear and more full.  Full of emotion and rightness, so I knew I had my answer.  Even this blog over this topic may be too much for people who don't at all understand where I'm coming from and I debated deleting these posts.  But then I thought it may serve more good to leave them as they stand in case someone stuggling with a similar issue may stumble across (or be guided to) them.  Perhaps it will be helpful.  Or maybe it could help someone who has been mistreated understand those who have been hurtful.  Plus, like Paul, if I must boast, let me boast in my failings because in them Jesus is shown to be who he is: the fullest revelation of God and the perfection of humanity.

So if my recent blogs have confused or estranged anyone in my seeming judgementalism, I sincerely apologize.  I ask that you come to know me before you judge me, just as you want others to do for you.  This was not about hatred or politics.  It has been a true chronicle of one person's struggle to deal with a surprising reaction in myself.

While I have not at all changed my beliefs on it all, you can be certain that I will not force them upon anyone or treat anyone wrongly because of my issues, God help me.

I am a complex and growing person, just like everyone else and we all have our issues that God is perfecting in due time.  I will aid this in myself and in others if I can.  But it is in his hands, not mine.  And where I am unsure or where my issues rub up against yours, I will try my best to not make things more difficult.

Horse

"But a false sense of power, a sense which had no root and was merely vibrated into me from the strength of the horse, had, alas, rendered me too stupid to listen to anything he said."

The quote above is from Lilith, by George MacDonald.  In this scene, Mr. Vane has been defeated and tricked by Lilith, and Mr. Raven is taking him to his house from which he fled in the first place.  Mr. Raven summons his horse, which is dark and spectral yet powerful beyond knowing to ease the journey of the weary Vane to his house where he must sleep.  Vane and the horse instantly bond and once on his back, Mr. Vane decides to leave Mr. Raven against his advice.  Raven cautions it will be to ruin again.  And then this quote.

The book in general is already one of my favorites ever and I haven't even finished it yet.  It has been speaking to me in so many ways.  But this line struck me today.

In this blog, I have recorded mere months ago the sense of triumph and power that I had been feeling.  While I had known it was from God, and not of myself, I, like Vane, couldn't help feeling as if it was mine.  When in fact it was only borrowed...no, not even that much possession.   The power was no more mine than is the strength and stamina of a powerful horse on which a man happens to sit.

Even then, in my deep heart I knew it would not last.  But how my vanity has cost me.  What damage I may have wrought in myself, my family, and those I love.  Feeling emboldened like never before I took actions and harboured feelings of authority that were not mine.

To the casual reader, this will seem different than it is.  I don't mean that I did any overtly egregious thing.  In fact, like Mr. Vane, my intentions were all honorable and above board.  I would fix what was wrong where my influence fell and would use this power to do so.  I didn't even "fall from grace" in the sense that we use it for leaders who make a public mistake.  No, it is far subtler.  Far more difficult to see, and therefore all the more damaging.  Like the loose screw in the engine that is so easily overlooked and yet once failed, will bring down the entire machine.

And yet in this realization, I am not even crushed.  Repentant, yes, falling on the grace which saved me, and intent to be better and to learn, but resting in the knowledge that it is ok.  My failing has not one bit thwarted the will and plans of my God.  He will right all wrongs and preserve His children from undue harm.

Perhaps I am also McDonald's stupid philanthropist who would use the grace given me to spare those within my influence from the very thing most needful: that which would be the vehicle of their healing.

All traces of my vanity must die.

How Could You

I don't usually post this kind of thing, but I think I need to get it off my chest. It hits me time and again and I have never been able to come to terms with it.

I once knew a group of people that changed my life. I learned from them, they helped form me into the adult I am, though they probably didn't realize the impact they were having. Truthfully, it wasn't all the people, but the context of the group. We shared a faith that was a breath of fresh air to me. Having been raised in a much more stifled religious community and questioning it, I met these people who lived what I wanted. Faith was central, but conformance was not. What was sacred was, what wasn't was disregarded. Tradition for its own sake was abandoned. We lived and shared many things together. Over a few years people came and went and the group ran its course as they all tend to do. I was even one of the advocates to let it go once the end was apparent. This is all good and I take no issue with it.

What I do take issue with is something which I have never been able to convey, partly because I am too passionate about it to control my emotions, even more than a decade later, and partly because I don't want to hurt anyone, and partly because I am always afraid I am wrong. This is the fact that so many have forgotten their first love. They have turned away from that free and beautiful faith that defined us into all manner of apostasies and even perversions of varying degrees.

Those about whom I write (should they ever read this [which is highly unlikely]) know that I mean these terms literally and not with the usual religious connotations. So that apostasy is a falling away from what they once believed and perversion is any twisting of truth. I say this because I want to be very clear that the cultural lines this group recognized were not the same as most of popular Christianity, though theologically we were very orthodox.

How could you do this? How could you express so tearfully your pains and your hope? How could you plead so passionately for God's will? How could you speak so boldly about the truth? And then reject it.

We all have doubts. We all have seasons of warm and cold, wet and dry, mountain and valley. But you yourselves claimed and proclaimed this and that God is big enough to handle it.

I would think this a season, but to see such utter rejection is too much! You make light of God's mercy and forbearance. To completely think it false?! To reject even his very existence?

If you are hurt because something went bad for you and you did not receive the help you expected, admit it and we can move on; God's arms and mine are waiting wide for you. If you believed wrongly and think differently because of some reasoning, we can work through it. But don't throw out the baby, the tub, and the bathroom with it! If you believed it once there is something to it still. Perhaps the sticking point you have is valid and your old belief system needed to be razed. But the One that drew you is still there. He is real. Don't you remember? Don't you feel the longing in your soul? Or if life has hardened you so much, do you not at least remember the feeling of longing and the satisfaction of feeling His presence?

Or were you just such a good liar? Did you fool me and others into thinking your words, motives, and actions were real? Perhaps you think that is the truth...but I don't believe it. While you might think you are so good at lying, I know from my own experience that we rarely are as good at it as we think. I saw through you. I knew what was real and what was put on more than you think. Chances are many of us did. And there is something lovely and fragile and light in your heart of hearts. This thing is the spark of the real you.

Don't forget it. I stand here waiting, praying for you. It was real. I was there. Even if you doubt it now, I was there and stand here to confirm that it was not a sham. I was there when God spoke through you all. I saw glimpses of your true self. You are the Forgiven. There is nothing to hide from, nothing rejecting you. I am standing here waiting for you and I'm not alone.

Metanoia: Simple

Metanoia is the Greek term that is often translated as repentance. It means to change one's mind. In behavior science, metanoia is the crux of change. Especially in deep personal change, metanoia occurs at the bottom of a long decline, after which a personal reformation begins the climb back up based on the new psychological foundation.

I recently had a metanoia experience. I had felt it coming as I slid down, down, down in the confusion over suffering and faith. I think it has a more personal meaning for me than my posts may have reflected because, simply, I suffer. I don't pretend to be special at all in this. It's just that I am the person I know best and it is therefore keenest to me. I am no stranger to sufferings that cannot be released with any amount of prayer or behavior change or what have you. I don't go into the details here because it is very personal, but I'm sure many who read this can relate in your own way even without the details.

I couldn't get past how the medeival mystics talk SO much about suffering as a virtue that many of them inflicted things on themselves! I don't want these sufferings, but since I can't be rid of them, there must be some good in them...am I supposed to relish them like these writers did? I can't!

But then modern people, good, respected modern people, say that God doesn't work like that. He desires healing and peace. This is true too! So I'm missing something! This was driving me crazy and I was so bound in it that I became aware of it and started consciously trying to come up the slick wet slope...hence the joy post.

Then today, I crossed the watershed...or rather God opened the solution for me: Simple.

Oneness. The worlds build so much on top of what is real and important, even the Christian worlds, that sometimes I get lost in it. The simple truth is Jesus. I don't even remember how I came to it, but I found an anonymous article today that reminded me of it. Jesus is our model. More than that, the firstfruits. He is what we are becoming. He didn't strive. He didn't complicate. He simply loved. ALL other additions to this are artifice...artificial...built on top of the truth. I recognize that like most personal revelations, this falls far too flat in writing. The simplicity confounds.

My intellect is a gossamer sham. Our systems, medeival or modern are too. Jesus said that to be saved we must simply come. I have come. Grace abounds. I understand it more now. Pieces of the clockwork puzzle of my life have again fallen into place and the gears have rotated one more tic. In my mind, I can jostle this simple truth and see just how many silver strands of reality vibrate throughout the whole ecology of the universe. It is a nexxus moment. A metanoia.