Holy Dog

Conscience is the Holy Dog, sent to bite us on the back of the neck that we will fall to the ground before we fall off the cliff.  I am not the Holy Dog, but I know his teeth well.  I am a voice.  A voice for the voiceless.  And my voice is strong.  So on this I will speak and pray the Dog finds his mark.

As we approach the most important day in the Christian calendar, I am confronted by you every year.  You say you love me.  You say you are a safe place to be who I am.  You encourage me to open my deep pain to you and promise that if I only will, I will find what you have and we will be closer.

But I don't know what you have.  I only know what I have, good and bad.  So I look at you, knowing you can be good and bad as well.  I know that you lie.  I see that no one can be what you claim.  I even know more of what you supposedly know than you can imagine and by your actions you confirm to me that you do not know it well, if at all.

You, church, are a sham, a show, a club created to draw me in with promises that touch a sore place only to leave me hollow, more wounded, and drained.  You are a scam.

You love me?  You don't even know me.  If you do, then why do you constantly tell me I am wrong?

We are all wrong sometimes?  Then why do you never admit it?  No I mean candidly, honestly admit it.  When I gave my vacation money that you promised to use to win the City and only used it to renovate your own building, which you have subsequently re-renovated. Did you give it back?  Did you make amends?  Did you admit you were wrong? I never heard another word about it.

When you said you saw something in me and asked me to help because I had a gift, then left me off the schedule and replaced me without a word, was that love, or flattery to fill the gap in your volunteers? I never heard another word about it.

When you built the giant community building that has less people there than before you built it...you know the one.  It's just like the 25 others at 25 other churches across the area that stand less than half full, and certainly none have fulfilled their promise to win the City.  Were you wrong, or mistaken?  When you were offered warning that this would happen and refused to heed it, calling me obstructionist and quencher, were you justified?  I never heard another word about it.

When you openly accused me of error for not giving to your church when in fact I give to another, plus several charities that you knew nothing about, did you restore my honor before others?

When you said you had a message from God for me that turned out to be entirely wrong, were you malicious or mistaken?  I heard nothing about it after that.

When you said it was a safe place then gave me a look of dire shock and quickly changed the subject as soon as I mentioned my pain, did you provide aid?

When you asked me to join your dinner even though I told you I didn't share your beliefs, assuring me it was just friendly dinner, then started a seminar on evangelism, even asking me for money, then yelled at me for asking why you tried to trick me, did you seek restitution before continuing your ministry?

When you put on a brave face to go on with your service, even though you are not at all in a good place. When you faked emotion on the stage and then collapsed in a huff backstage until the next song.  When you told me I can question, can come as I am, that God will reveal, and yet deny me access to your circle unless I sign your covenants.  When you subtly enforce the appearance before I've understood the meaning...

For all these things I call you wrong.  I call you in error.  I call you out.

Doubtless you will say I am ungracious, but in fact, I am far more gracious than you.  I know I have problems and I know you do too.  Even still I want to be your friend.  But when I hurt a friend, I attempt to make it right, not to make excuses.  I don't give sermons on how I am imperfect too and need your forgiveness...I apologize directly for what I've done.  I try to do better.  I take steps to make it right.  You on the other hand, seem more about making enemies than friends.

This is what I say for the voiceless. 

Who are they?  You'll see them Sunday.  They look like they're trying to fit in, but can't.  They look like they don't quite know how you do things?  They have a darkness behind their smile.  Some look like you and some look nothing like you.  But most of them, you'll only see once.  Others, will give you a few more chances.  And many of them have a deeper and truer understanding of the good God that you claim to represent.  Whitewashed tombs!

I am the voice for the voiceless.  The face for the faceless.  I will also be there Sunday.  I look different from you, so that every time you look at me, you are reminded of them.  You'll see that I've heard it before and I'm not buying it.  You'll see the sadness in my eyes for you and the tenderness in my eyes for them.  And then I'll walk away without a word and go hang out with them. And where we are, there will be Church.  Where a genuine affection is shared, there will be Church.  Where a fault is known and born for sake of the other, there will be Church.  Where they bear with differing opinions for sake of friendship, where one friend supports another, where both try to outdo each other in generosity, where no one shies from the pain of others because they know how bad it hurts...THERE will be CHURCH!  Whether you're there or not.

Overflowing

I have been pretty silent here lately.  On the internet in general.  I have seasons here as in everything else.  But I have not stopped contemplating.  Most recently, I had this rolling through my head:

My heart is overflowing with a good theme

     I recite my composition, concerning the King.

My tongue is like the pen of a ready writer.

It's from Psalm 45, but was used in a song by Dominic Balli, and his particular rhythm to it is what I keep singing.  It's called Warrior and is essentially a series of quotes form the Bible about God as a strong force for justice and rescue.  

The video for this song is also one of the best I've ever seen.  The kind that conveys a whole story in the 3 or so minutes of the song.  It's visual poetry.  The video interprets the song into three stories of troubled people needing rescue, a bulimic, a cutter, and an alcoholic.  As the song rises in intensity, the stories reach a climax.  Then the song returns to its original contemplative mood and pans over in the last second to show the three restored people next to the singer.  a perfect resolution to a song and video with so much going on.

As someone who knows first-hand the feelings that lead to these actions, this is especially powerful.  I was a cutter.

SIDEBAR: Like many things, this label can be applied by one on the inside, but not by one on the outside.  To call someone a cutter is to brand them (no pun intended) with a syndrome that further accentuates the underlying issues for the person.  If you aren't one, don't call someone else one.  We're just people with a bad habit and a deep pain.  Same goes for any similar issue.  We don't go around calling people Allergics or Fatties, so be cognizant.  No one wants to be branded with their worst trait, especially if it can't be helped.  And this can't be helped.  If you don't get that, just stop reading now because there is nothing in this post for you but what will make you stumble.

Because of my particular constitution (in the old sense, i.e. my make-up) images of God in this aspect resonate very deeply.  I know more than most my inability and my need.  I know what it is to have a real redemptive, restorative experience.  To really become aware of this universe-wide power beyond comprehension makes me fear in the Sartre sense.  It is too big, too uncontrolled, too unstoppable.  But then to experience this power bend low and flood over me an equally big unconditional love is truly changing...as Isaiah says, it "undoes" me.

The reaction to that is such a deep overflowing love for anyone or anything I see in the same state I was.  I need only a glimpse and the dam of my heart breaks open.  Unfortunately, I can't often let out what is there.  I haven't learned how to let it pour out in a good way.  I know some understand what I mean and even have recognized it in me.  I think we share a mutual overflowing toward each other.

My dream is for a safe place for people like me, like us, to be who we are.  To be able to freely and goodly express what we feel to mutual restoration and benefit.  God show me the way to do this.  And until then, at least, may my sphere of influence be known as this kind.

Pain

Pain is an incredible teacher.  For one thing, you can't ignore it.  If you think you can, then you don't know the capacity a human has to feel pain.  I'm talking about physical pain.

I was recently knocked down by something I didn't even know could happen and which is so painful, I've only experienced one thing more so.  I have hurt so bad from one particular ailment that I come very close to blacking out, which would be a blessing, let me tell you.  This is not as bad as that, but nearly so.

Thank God there are specialists who can relieve this pain in a simple procedure.  The procedure itself hurts and continues to for a while, but the cured hurt is different and more bearable.

I'm not going into details because pain is a very relative phenomenon.  If I were to tell you what it was, some of you would think it's no big deal.  Perhaps you may have even experienced the same and it didn't bother you as much.  This would lead you to judge me, even if in a very small way.

But this is exactly what I wanted to write about.  I tend to be, and used to be much more so, ascetic and willful.  I tend to believe we can endure, not be weak, so forth.  After experiencing such pain, internal, external, physical and emotional, I am becoming much softer and genuinely compassionate.  This time, I have learned to be more understanding of the relative nature of pain.  What hurts each of us is different and we can't know how much it hurts another.  What we may disregard may be excruciating to another.

I have often been guilty of silently and openly judging, belittling, and even mocking other people's pain.  Most people would not call me a monster, but I know myself and I am seeing this aspect more clearly now.

I hope to never experience these pains again.  I will take precautions to avoid it.  But I pray I will NEVER in ANY case make light of what another feels again.

I may not know how to respond.  It may even seem silly to me.  But I hope I can keep this experience as a reminder that I am not as tough as I like to think.  That I can, at any moment, be taken out by the smallest and most sudden thing.  And that there is no objectivity to pain--what someone feels is real to them.

They may actually feel it stronger than I do.  They may just not know how to cope with it and therefore it feels worse to them.  Fear may intensify the actual physical sensations.  But regardless, the person feeling it is the only one who can judge.  I now understand even more deeply the meaning of mercy and sympathy.

I have also been helped in this time in a humbling and genuine way by someone who does not have to.  It has not been pleasant or easy for them.  It is a pure act of love.  Experiencing this has crushed my pride and roused such a deep, deeper love in return.

There are huge universal truths at work here that my words can't even approach.  But then that's why we must experience rather than just talk about things.  It's the only way to learn.

To the one who helped me, I will love you forever.  There are no words to express my gratitude.

To the doctors who can and did help in such short order, and who followed up with me just to see if I was ok, you are what medicine is about. Thank God for you and I hope you will share that perspective with a thousand other doctors.

And to anyone I have wronged by belittling, downplaying, or misunderstanding your pain, I am truly sorry.  I can't go back.  But I will pay it forward...or to use the archaic phrase, I have repented.  I will make right the wrongs I've done and honor the good done to me by doing 10 times better for whoever I cross paths with, God help me.

And if you are in pain, know you are not alone.  I will ease it in whatever way I can.  If you know me in person, I will not turn you away.   If this blog is our only interaction, know that each word is fortified with intention and love for you.  I trust that the Source of all goodness, who is at this moment and always making right every wrong, will provide what you need most in this very moment...now.

Safe

I want to say something very serious...well I'm usually serious, so more serious than usual.  This post is for anyone who finds it and needs it.  I want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you.  I will always be a safe place for you.

I am like you.  I know depression.  I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists.  I have carved my pain in my arms and chest.  I know about the masks.  I know about good days and bad.  I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night.  I know the hollowness.  I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners.  I know the desire to simply cease being.

I know trances and psychic attack.  I know the evil that can make you forget your own name.  I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.

I know rage.  I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy.  I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.

I know rejection.  I know false acceptance.  I know the taunts and insults.  I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care.  I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound.  It just tells us how strange we are.

So if you understand this.  If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night.  Know that I am here and you are there.  And you are not alone.  Look at my picture.  Read my words.  Do I not seem like someone who knows?

You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me.  And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can.  This is my promise.  Test me and see if I don't mean it.  I don't come with programs and easy answers.  But I come.  I am the living dead, sent for the dead living.  I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.

I am Cavvvp.  I am real.  And I am here.

Power

Power can never be taken.  It can only be given.  This is absolutely true.  To understand it, though, we have to understand power.

Merriam-Webster defines it as 1. ability to act or produce an effect. 2. possession of control, influence, or authority over others. 3. physical might.

I'm obviously talking about definition 2, but in a less direct way, my statement also applies to 1 and 3.

So regarding power over others, this power can only be given with the consent of those over whom it is exercised.  We don't like to think of it that way because too many of us lay down and roll over to let people have power over us.  We want to feel excused, that there was nothing we could do.  But this is false because no one can physically make you do anything you do not choose to do.

Actually, there's two exceptions.  They can make you hurt and they can make you die.  But they still can't make you do anything they want you to do.  What we call oppression is really just strong coercion.  An oppressor finds something we want and attempts to control our receipt of it contingent upon us doing what they want.  This doesn't always have to be negative.  Many rulers know that positive reinforcement is better than negative in many cases.  In this case we don't tend to call it oppression, but the principle is the same.  We want the reward, so we comply.  Parents use this all the time.

Another side of this coercion complex involves vilifying those who don't comply and making negative examples of them.  This plays on the human tendency to conform and really just greases the wheels of the coercive process.

But it doesn't always work.  If a person or people lose the fear of the consequences, the power is gone.  Unfortunately in our society, one of the largest coercive factors is the idea that death is the ultimate evil.  If life is to be preserved at all costs, the power is handed over.  It simply becomes a matter of the degree to which it is exercised.  But if death is not feared, the ruler is grasping at straws because even pain is not so effective a coercion simply because no ruler can hurt enough people.  sure it may work one on one, but usually this occurs only after someone has already given over too much power in the first place.

Here's some examples.  Ever wonder why Native Americans were not enslaved by the Europeans?  Why would they go to the trouble and expense to catch and ship over Africans when there was an ample supply of primitive people right in their own backyard?  The answer is that they tried.  The problem was that Native Americans were (and still are) an independent and defiant people who do not hand over their power.  Even if one could be taken alive, he or she would not work.  Give them a tool and they'd put it through your head.  Slack the chain and they'd wrap it around your neck.  Pen them up and try to break them, and they'd simply starve to death or take their own life before giving in.  Where do you think that fierce independent streak of American culture came from?  Indians weren't destroyed.  They were absorbed.  The distinct cultures were largely lost, but I am a living example of the assimilated, but not conquered people who have left an indelible mark on American culture.  Truly, modern American culture IS a hybrid of Native and European and African influences.  But I digress.

Secondly, the Christian martyrs, both ancient and modern.  They came from the dominant cultures in which they were found, but lost their fear of death and even pain because of their faith.  While they didn't often resort to violent resistance, they were never conquered and thousands have refused to submit to countless regimes that violated their beliefs.

Third, Muslim martyrs.  The reason Islamic terrorism is so scary is that it can occur anywhere and from anyone.  A people who are not afraid to die do not need to submit.

But I also mentioned torture as often the result of having given up power and attempting to take it back too late.  The best example I know are the Nazi concentration camp victims.  Countless people sat by and watched as they gave up more and more power to the Nazi regime.  Then even when they were being hauled away, few resisted.  Some did.  But not most.

The Christian martyrs are not exactly in this state because they willingly submitted to the torture because of their beliefs in nonviolence.  Since it was willing, they weren't technically abdicating their power, but choosing not to exercise their power out of deference to God, whom they believed to be in control even in that time.  Some were miraculously rescued, others weren't.  But before you go trying to say this proves God doesn't exist or didn't favor them, remember what I said about death not being the ultimate evil.

I want to be clear, that I'm not downplaying the strength of the coercion.  I'm not judging anyone for acting or not acting in any way.  Until we're there, we can't say how we'd react either.  I'm simply pointing out that these were indeed cases where power was given and not taken.

I'm not even saying it is wrong to always allow someone power over you.  Certainly there are cases where it is wise, prudent, beneficial, and even good to submit.  The difference is the understanding of what we're doing.  It is voluntary submission.  No human has power over another by innate right.  It is ALWAYS by the consent of the governed.

This understanding should color our views of those over us.  It should also color our views of those under us.  Doubtless someone will quote the Bible passage about submitting to those in authority because God placed them there.  Yes.  I agree.  What does this have to do with my point?  I still have the choice to submit or not, for good or ill.  I still can't be compelled to do what a ruler says.  And if you are citing this passage, I'd like to also point out the many others about leaders whom God also took down...many through the violent and bloody hands of His people.  So it cuts both ways, pastor.  Are you so certain of which type of leader you are?

So where does this leave us?  Is there a way to act in society?  Yes, I think a mutual respect among all people, a servant leadership that understands it is just that, paired with a diverse and necessary body of others who are no less necessary and no less favored.  While this is an ideal that may be hard to reach (at least in the US), I suggest we at least reclaim the mannered equipoise of many cultures past and present:  Know you have less power than you think you do, and there's always a chance I could be more coercive than you, or at least willing to put you to the ultimate test of defending your power (i.e. I might kill you.)  So let's just be polite and we'll get along fine.

As for a better way, I think we have that as well.  God, being the prime source and beyond our influence altogether, has established that goodness and love flow from Him to us.  Goodness and love draw the recipient toward the giver.  Thus we comply not from coercion, but as a gift back.  It works in the human realm, we've all seen it.  Betrayal is universally denounced.  Good deserves good.  Love deserves love.  It sidesteps the whole power dynamic altogether.  This is how Jesus operated.  This is how many Christians operate.  It just had to start somewhere, and God took care of that for us.  Or rather, He established the universe that way, so we really have no other choice.  To defy it simply negates our own being.  A self-perpetuating system, no punishment necessary.

So I'll leave you with this.  If you are having to manipulate and strive to get people to do what you think they should, you're doing something wrong.  If you have to beg for money or tell people God won't bless them.  If you have to make lighthearted threats to get them to sign up for your program.  You are slipping into the power dynamic, which means you don't have the power in the first place.  Forcing that will be your undoing.

The only winning move is not to play.

Own the Pain

A friend and mentor used to say, "own the pain".  It's a phrase that struck home with me and has recently come to have an even deeper meaning.  I've expressed the idea to people before but most don't seem to get it.  Just a few minutes ago an explanation came to me that seems so much clearer.

It refers to a situation where we have been wronged or hurt.  We can react in many different ways, but most of us have a sense of justice that makes forgiveness and healing hard to do.  Even those of us who have been so beaten down as to turn inward when wounded will not be able to forgive, but will close down and bottle up.

But owning the pain is about deciding to bear the pain inflicted on you on behalf of the person who inflicted it.  It is an act of love.  It is a participation in the suffering Jesus endured for us.  Truly it is to do for another what Jesus did for us.  It is to be Jesus to the person who hurt you.

It is to stand before God and the world and say, these are MY wounds and MY pain.  To take them, as unjust as they may be, and let love overcome the hurt and damage.  It is to willingly accept the suffering without a word to the one who hurt you.  They don't need to be sorry.  They don't even need to acknowledge you are hurt.  It is to cry and ache and pray through it for them.  It is to bear on your heart and body the marks of Jesus.

It is to be Ashitaka taking San's dagger to your chest and enfolding her in your arms even as the blood runs down.  

It is to vanquish hate.

It is to stand before the Judgement Seat and say that you find no fault in that person.  To answer not that you forgive, but that there is nothing to forgive.  It is to participate in a real way in someone's salvation.

Reckless and Painful

The things we feel strongest about are the things we struggle with ourselves.  I recently realized how a few strands of the complex nature-nurture paradigm sort out for myself.  Funny I never saw it before, because it seems so obvious.  Certainly some of my lack of conformity and counter-culture proclivity is natural.  But more than I thought of it is learned.  Not learned, in the positive sense, but in the defensive sense.  Conditioned, I guess is a better word.  This web is complex and I can't sort it all out here.

If you read this blog much, it will be apparent to you that I often struggle with doubt and self-criticism.  I have a pessimistic outlook and must actively look for the good.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, an imbalance of some kind, or just a strangely Puddleglum-like demeanour.  But I'm starting to suspect this may not be the case.  Ultimately, I am what I am now and can't sort out what all is natural vs effects of events and conditions.

But what I can take away from this is that I can like myself.  You see, I have always truly understood that I didn't measure up.  I never cut it.  So I looked for ways to get around it or avoid having to be faced with it.  Ironically, instead of giving up, I learned how to hide it well.  To put on the expected face and even to function at quite a high level.  I've recently learned this is common of people who are raised in an overly critical environment.  Again, I'm not saying it is all someone else's fault, but I previously never considered that it might not be all my fault.  So this is gained ground for me.

Even though I knew God loved me, I could truly never understand why.  This is overwhelming and inhibiting in some ways.  I am now learning to let go of some of that intense self-criticism and see the way God sees me. See myself the way I see others.

This also explains some of my deep hatred for those who prey on those weaker and helpless.  My deep desire to build up and care for the lost and rejected.  I subconsciously can't abide to see another facing what I feel.  To see it ignored. 

It isn't subconscious any more.  Now instead of needing to do it, I can choose to do it.  And I do choose it.  I don't have to.  I could shelter and hedge and prevent further hurt.  But I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to continue to love recklessly and choose to take the hurt that may come with it.  This is what Jesus did.  And this is what he's calling me to do.  So what may have been bad will be turned to good.  My pain will be others' solace.

This in no way excuses those who may have done something wrong to me.  "Woe to the one through whom it comes".  But I will learn to forgive and will pay my pain forward in love.  This is the power of Christ's redemption.  I am freed from fear of pain, freed from the need for self-preservation.  This truly makes me righteous and dangerous, and I can love recklessly and painfully.

I am scarred and broken.  I am wounded and hurt.  I will always be weird and misunderstood.  I will still have bad spells.  But I understand a bit more of who I really am now.  A bit more of the name on the stone has been revealed.  There is power in this.

Deep Cuts

I feel like something is happening deep inside me.  My perceptions are changing, my reactions too.  Emotions surface at strange times and in strange ways.  It's almost like someone is rooting around deep inside and trying to sort things out.  Which may very well be what is happening.  Sometimes what comes up is not pleasant.  Mostly it isn't I guess.  Things I never even new about myself will just pop up from deep down and I am taken aback.

Also pains will surface in ways and about things I didn't even know hurt me.  I'm finding that I often react in anger to what is truly a fear.  I've seen this before in people and I don't think it's that odd.  But I never knew I was doing it.

It isn't all bad.  Sometimes great joys surface and I find a very unshakable peace and confidence in many things.  But just as quickly a new circumstance or stray comment or sometimes just out of nowhere, I'll be hit with something else.

Last night I was restless again...which has occurred for the past few nights.  It's partly some things I understand: physical, circumstantial, manageable.  But then last night it just wouldn't quit.  I kept calling out to God in my dreams.  I could see Jesus standing a distance away but couldn't keep my focus on him.  Then I'd slip into another fitful dream.  Then this morning as dawn came I woke enough to prayed verbally about some things that were on my mind.  Then I started crying and couldn't stop for about an hour.  Then it was over.  I'm not even sure what it was that upset me other than it felt like I had my heart uprooted all night.

I can only imagine how much more intense this must have been for Jesus when he was living on this earth.  He has been described by third party historians as somber and quiet.  No doubt looking at the world from God's perspective has great joys, but also many pains as he saw the hardness of hearts and confusion of minds.  The general lostness of the all those around him.  I'm having enough trouble being confronted with my own and the occasional glance into those he places close to me.

Padded chains

Today I was confronted with a scenario that makes me very angry.  Not angry at any one person, though it is tempting to assign blame to someone.  It's more an anger at the results of the situation which I'm sure no one wants.  People just can't often see how their words can be taken by others.


Someone was talking about people's lack of responsibility.  About how we often see things that need to be done and push them off on others, either intentionally or inadvertently.  This speaker fancies himself the one responsible for those he speaks to and because he has a burning desire to do certain things a certain way, feels others should follow suit...that it is all of our God-given responsibility to do things this way.  They aren't bad things in themselves, and his motives are to help people I think, but it's that sort of subtle poison that really gets me fired up because it is the most damaging.  Here's why:

I know for a fact that there was at least one single parent listening who is constantly struggling to get by.  This parent has her hands full working and taking care of the family and trying to make it look like she's half-way together.  Throw in some messy personal circumstances and you have an all too common mix for a difficult life.  This parent finds solace in good friends and in helping others.  How great is that, rather than alcohol or other destructive behaviors!  Yet it is still a means of dulling pain that cannot yet be addressed directly.  So here she sits listening to this same talk of doing more and how God expects us to use our very last breath to do everything we possibly can for him.  What!

No way, man!  I won't buy it.  This lady needs less burden not more.  The first speaker was lamenting how God's people don't get up and do...well that's because you're trying to motivate them with whips and chains, Bro!  You can't just wrap the irons in velvet pads and call it Christianity!  Jesus set the captives free, his yoke is easy and his burden is light.  We could debate the interpretations of this all night, and I don't want to engage in that.  But I can say this.  No one is responsible for me but me, and you for you.  None of us have to do anything more than what God tells us each to do.  And that's different for each of us because we come from different places and need different things.  Try genuinely meeting needs instead of whitewashing your walls, man!  That's what people need.

No where did Jesus ever tell anyone, to go and join a team in some big organization and make sure they devote every last bit of energy to do menial tasks so some guy can preach at some self-righteous yuppie who cares more for clean carpet than the state of the people whose sweat and tears got it dirty in the first place!  It's all still working for God's approval!  This is twisted and this is what people hate about Christians!

And to my single-mother out there, I pray you forget every word.  Take some time, spend it slowly.  Be Mary instead of Martha.  God has it under control and doesn't need your help.  This guy wasn't talking to you.

Pain

Pain changes things. It strips away fluff and pretense. It allows us to show our quality. I have been in pain for nearly two weeks. It ebbs and surges, but does not go away. Nothing I can do works to remove it or even dull it.

Some people become placid in pain. Others stronger. I only crumble. I get short-tempered and angry. I lose control quickly. I fall prey to the demons that lurk in my shadows. I doubt everything. I give up. I want to die. I scare myself.

I don't understand the purpose. I do see how pain can have one, but I don't see any purpose now. I just hurt...physically hurt.

Headache

I've had a headache for two months now. I'm not kidding. It gets more or less intense, but it hasn't gone away. It's a constant companion reminding me of my frail flesh. I'd love to be rid of it, but haven't found the way.

I've been to two different doctors, done three antibiotics, tried OTC decongestants and pain killers. At best, they give a few hours of lessening, but no remedy. I had a CT scan that said it's a sinus infection, but I have none of the usual symptoms. In fact, my nasal allergies have completely disappeared. I feel great other than this nagging headache. I've got another appointment with a different specialist next week.

I've looked into self-healing. I believe this is possible. I've tried meditation, which can relieve the pain temporarily. I've tried the Unmodify method, to no avail. I'm constantly praying. And I've asked for prayer several times from others.

I don't know if this is a psychosomatic thing, or if there is really something wrong. No one who should know seems too worried about it, so I haven't been either. I started to be afraid of tumors or other weird illnesses until I realized that these would actually be a relief to me since I would be forced out of my complacency and may even face the end of my journey here. For me, this is a serious relief and something very hopeful. Knowing the end of my struggle was coming soon would be such a relief at long last. I have no desire for long life in this miserable dimension. I am merely serving my tour.

I also realized that this pain has kept me focused on God, kept me seeking him at every turn. I also realized that there are many who go through life with far worse pains for far longer. I have a new compassion for them. I also realized that many couldn't afford the medical care or even have access to it, that I do. And this is both a blessing that I have access to it and that I am able to sympathize more with those who don't.

Is there some deeper meaning? I don't know. Can I heal myself of this? I doubt it. Does that mean I am not doing the healing properly? Probably. Is God still in control? Yes. He is my healer whether that be through medicine or meditation or instantaneous cure. I have had my moments where the pain gets the better of me. But for the most part, I am surprised at how calm I have been through this. I definitely want it over. I want to learn what I must from this and move on. But if I must wait, I am finding that I can, and not in anxiousness or anger. Just waiting.

Pain, Death, Rebirth

I don't have much of an idea what pain is. I mean real physical pain. I like to think I do, but I don't think many of us in the US even know what it is. I'm sure there are some. I know at least one person who does. But most of us are soft and whiny. I know I am. I am bothered by relatively minimal complaints. I am coming to believe that true strength, true heartiness, is not the absence of pain, but the ability to focus through it, to press on in spite of it.

This splices in nicely with other things I've been thinking. I am always put off by the focus on help in modern Christianity. Certainly rest for the weary and help are prominent features in the Bible. But this does not come at the exclusion of pain or suffering. When we focus too much on the help and the good, it sounds hollow.

I've recently heard a series of testimonials...the standard 'how has life changed for you now that you follow Christ' thing. Most are stupid, vapid comments like, "things are just good, and, you know, like stuff is better..." Most of these people weren't living in horrible circumstances, so their life hasn't changed much. That is not to say they haven't undergone a metanoia of their own, but what are we advertising here? This isn't some motivational seminar. We accept Christ because 1. we come to believe his claims are true and/or 2. we have no other alternative left before us. I don't believe there are any other reasons, but I invite anyone to point out other valid ones.

So, working from this perspective, the help is a nice feature, but not at all a requirement. Accepting a fact as a fact isn't an option. Whether you believe you will fall from a cliff or not, you will nonetheless fall. And whether a blind person believes the sky to be blue does not change the fact that those who see call the sky blue. It is true. This is the Gospel: Not so much, what can Jesus do for you, but that the God, the origin of all things has entered our time line to restore our rebellious ruined and doomed race back to what it was intended to be, along with the world we drug down with us. The only question, the only point of faith, is if we're right. And this is only a question because God has yet to submit to our will. He operates as He sees fit, and what else would we expect from a God who is actually God. I would certainly doubt a God who felt a need to convince me of anything.

And if we come by the second path, regardless of what we may believe to be true, we can come to such a broken helpless place, a place so aware of our own depravity and ruin that we will call out in sheer desperate hope. These, our God has promised never to ignore, so though they may not logically assent to everything, they will cling out of sheer desperate hope and find that hope not to be forsaken.

I personally have come by this path and in time found the first as well. So whether anyone else likes it, believes it, or accepts it. I am convinced. More than convinced. I have actually died. In some extratemporal spiritual way, I know the point of my own death and I know the meaning of being hidden in Christ, buried and resurrected with Him. It changes perspective on everything.

It wasn't until the point of my own death in a very real and final way that I truly understood that God existed and how. It was in that moment of final release of myself that I found I was not in a void, but held tightly by loving arms. That space was far from empty, but crammed full of Him. Truly not crammed full, but our universe is within Him, contained. He is inescapable.

I know that doesn't make much sense on the surface, but it is true. And because of it, I can't approach belief, evangelism, or whatever other Christian trappings, in the way many do. For some reason unknown to me, when I died, I was placed exactly back in the very moment of my previous timeline. I know the moment well. I felt my world blow away and reform. My physical heart still beats, my body still functions, but the real me, the soul, the part that makes me alive, had died and been reborn. I didn't want to come back. I wanted to be dead. But that is no longer for me to decide. Not I but Christ in me, lives and acts. Of course the ghosts, the shadows of my old nature still haunt the system. Some bugs are deep in the code of my being. But I don't want to fix them, I want to kill them with the rest of my old self.

So please don't come to me with hollow ideas of daisies and roses Jesus. I don't want to be fixed. I want to be dead! And if anything good remains it isn't me, its Christ. Accepting Him was irrevocable because I died to do it. And I am coming to understand that pain, that conflict, that suffering, are all parts of the dead man. I was sent back here to accomplish His purposes and I can truly say with Paul that neither physical death nor life matter any more to me because to live is Christ and to die is gain.

A Painful Corollary

After posting last night, I continued thinking about the problem when my teacher Jack reminded me that he had written a fabulous book on the subject. Not having a copy on hand, I went to the trusty internet and found exactly what I needed. As usual, my thoughts on the subject were highly influenced by Jack's book, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Refreshing my memory also helped refresh my certainty of his answers.

Since I can't possibly recount them as well as he does, I highly recommend that anyone reading this and interested check out his book on the subject, The Problem of Pain.

These things though, I would add to my previous thoughts on the subject. Going through suffering, or pain, is not at all the same as writing about it. While the two influence each other, I would in no way presume that suffering people need only to reason their way through it.

That said, the solution lies in our definition of goodness. I approached this and couldn't articulate it in the last post. As Jack says, it is not a difference like black from white, but like a perfect circle from a child's first attempt at drawing a circle. The one of course perfect, and the other approximating it, but very irregularly. While we think of goodness as mostly kindness, true goodness is composed of all the virtues and seeks to perfect the object of its love, where kindness would simply seek to spare the object of its affection any pain.

With that in mind, we can see how pain can serve a refining purpose. It teaches us that things will happen to us without our consent. It cannot be ignored. It shows us our weakness and need for rescue. It forces a rebel to submit. Thus pain can be viewed as a good thing. The result of force applied justly and beneficently to perfect what is imperfect by its own perversion.

Again, I don't think this fully explains all forms of suffering. In particular the more brutal and horrific kinds. But if we can accept that self must be abdicated (this is the perfecting I mention) and suffering is the tool to effect it, this may take us far enough down the road to trust that it will take us home even if we can't yet see the end of it.

Thanks to Jack, as always, my ready teacher. Your clarity is a gift from God. As my friend Brother Lawrence says, we ought not to be surprised at the badness in such a wicked world, but rather surprised that there is not more of it. This is echoed by one of the most thoughful modern bands I have heard. Flyleaf says, don't be surprised that people die, be surprised you're still alive.

The Problem of Suffering

I'm back on this again. It's a hard topic for me, and one that I keep running into. Mainly because our modern American popular "Christianity" is so much about what God can do for us. The Bible is clear that Christianity is not about fixing all your problems. Most people acknowledge this. But then they make half-baked statements in the middle of sermons like, "How do you know God's voice from a deception? Well, first of all, God will never tell you to do something that harms your health." This is absolutely false! Was Jesus deceived when God led him to the cross? That certainly harmed his health! What about all the martyrs? Was Paul totally deceived because he kept saying things that got him beaten or imprisoned? Come on!

Now, I understand how easy it is to mis-speak in the midst of a speech. And I am confident that if confronted in a calmer setting this same person would not at all really mean what he said, but the fact remains that he did say it publicly, and that is the burden of any public teacher. People heard what was said and will take it at face value whether he meant it that way or not...a falsehood by accident is still a lie. Ironic that it came in a sermon about deceptions!

But more difficult for me than this is how people treat the topic of God's role in suffering. I'm not going into the tired old 'how could a good God..." argument, you can read the thousands of books on that as well as I can. What bothers me more is this. Many people argue that a good God couldn't make people suffer, but He could allow it for a greater purpose. I totally agree with this. It is consistent with the Bible and historic teaching. But some go further and say that an all-knowing God allowing people to suffer means He must have purposed the suffering in some way...and that isn't good, therefore He couldn't even allow it. This creates an impasse, since suffering does exist. Is He just impotent in this way? That doesn't work! So, many modern people explain it by saying that God doesn't purpose the suffering but is big enough in His omniscience to use the sufferings of our fallen world for His purposes. He won't violate our will even enough to stop the suffering.

But is that love? What parent wouldn't violate their child's will to seize their hand going for the hot stove? And if He is big enough in His omniscience to work good from the bad that He has no part in, isn't He big enough to find a way to get around the undeserved suffering without violating our free will? See this just doesn't work in my mind. I would say the people who espouse this are just wrong, if it weren't coming from some very respected sources. I trust these people's judgement far too much to dismiss it. I may very well be missing something.

So, what options might exist? There's the medeival view of a God that has some sort of backward sense of good and finds mortal pain to be pleasure...but this seems to me more fetish or perhaps misinterpretation of words that took on a very jargoned meaning for those groups. (Just like the Romans thought that Christians were orgiasts from the outside observations of their behaviors and from overhearing how they talked to each other.)

But what about the view that God is a parent? This is common in the Bible. Any parent knows that disciplining a child means inflicting some form of suffering. A good parent knows how to do it in a correcting and nurturing way, but it involves scolding, punishing, restricting...depriving of free will. No good parent would even think they could raise a child without proper application of these tools, even if the child feels bad...suffers...temporarily by it. We know it will work good in the end and they will be better off when they come to see it. Does this not much better fit the problem of suffering than all the mental gymnastics it takes to make it work otherwise? In this view, we simply need to acknowledge our own limited perspective (orthodox) and view ourselves as children (biblical) and God as the loving parent (natural). This seems to resolve the whole issue. If we suffer, God isn't limiting Himself out of His love for our free will ("go ahead honey, grab the stove if you must, I'll be able to nurse your wounds after so good will come of it, even if you don't see that I love you now."...how sick!) Rather, He is using the same tools He has modeled for us in our natural lives to train us and work His purposes. Therefore the suffering isn't really bad...but a sign of higher love.

This all breaks down again when we talk about heinous evils that some people suffer. It would be far too severe to say that rape or child abuse are training up by a parental God. So, I'm back where I started. And when logic goes in a circle, it is prudent to simply say, "I don't know." This is beyond me. I can't explain it. But I know from experience, from philosophical proof, and from authority that God is good, must be good. I also know that bad things happen, even to good people. I can only trust that my Daddy is not going to hurt me or those I love one ounce more than is absolutely necessary to work His purposes, which are always good.

There are some things that words cannot embody. Where they fail, sometimes we must look to other means of communication. When I plead this before God asking for clarity, I find only the most loving embrace. And in that, I know there is no malice. In that, I find myself letting go of my will to self and knowing my existence is beyond any mortal suffering.

God, make your presence known to all who are suffering tonight.