God in the toilet

So I live in a part of the world where some toilets don't have seats...we refer to them as squatters, which tells you what you need to know.  So I went into the only toilet in my workplace and thought, "oh crap!" Literally, someone had missed.  Not terribly, but enough to be very apparent.  I was wracked about what to do.  This is the only toilet for men.  If someone comes in and sees me leave, they'll assume I did it because I'm foreign and people assume we can't do this stuff right.

Maybe I could slip out quickly before anyone noticed, but if they came in and waited, I'd be screwed.  If that happens, I'd have to point it out and say it wasn't me, which would look the more suspicious, so I'd be forced into an uncomfortable examination of the evidence to prove it wasn't me..."it isn't fresh, see".  But then it might be worse if they just saw me leave because then I'd not be able to explain at all and they'd just assume, and there would be this background buzz that I could never be certain wasn't because they thought I was foul or incompetent...or incontinent, as the case may be.  Even if it was just in my own head, I'd continually be wondering if that wasn't what they were thinking.  And the culprit would certainly not downplay the assumption that it was the foreigner, if he didn't actively promote it, should it come up...or down as it were.

Maybe I could climb out the window and slip back in another way...but no, the office windows looked out on the same courtyard right beside that window along with other windows all around the court, and the foreigner climbing out the window would definitely be noticed.  So that was out.

Cleaning products were in the closet right beside me, but again, what if someone came in and saw me digging through that closet...I'd be forced to explain, and there we go back into scenario 1.

All of this of course happened in milliseconds.  That was when I looked around and noticed there was a toilet brush in the stall...why?...who cares!  It was there!  God bless it and God bless me, I was saved by a common $1.00 toilet brush!  I fired up the flush and scrub that thing like my life depended on it...well at least my reputation...which was already in doubt after a medicine reaction made me nearly pass out for a moment a few weeks ago. It passed quickly, but nonetheless, I was forced to be carried through the facility on a stretcher despite my constant pleas that I was quite capable of walking.

But merciful God, thank you for that toilet brush.  This is a silly story, though every word of it is true.  And honestly, it reveals a vanity in me, which though common, is no less a vanity.  But I am thankful for the small mercy.

One thing is certain: toilet brushes have now become a symbol of God's grace and provision.  I'll never look at them the same way again.

New World

I have not posted in a while because I moved around the world. Yes literally, I'm now in a timezone 13 hours from my previous. This move has not been easy and I was reluctant to do it. But here we are. Now it's about survivng, adapting, thriving. Which is doubtful right now. These kind of challenges are highly emotional and bring out underlying issues.

So why did I do it? Simply, I wanted to get out of the boat. I wanted to walk on the waves. Secondly, I wanted to change the story of the rich young ruler. I didn't want to look back on my life and know that when told what I needed to be perfect, I went away sad. No I literally gave most everything away and gave up my life for this purpose.

And it's kicking my butt. Work is pointless. I get paid well to do basically nothing and am treated politley as if I'm in the way most of the time or given zilly llittle things just so I don't totally do nothing. Sounds good? Yeah, try it awhile. Nowhere to hang your hat. Nothing to get up for in the morning. Then there's family. We are much more in each others' space here and I am so far the only one with a schedule to force me out. So when I get home there's two bored people starving for attention I don't have to give. Problems to solve, fears to assuage. My teen is the worst. Needier than when an infant, fully capable of stepping out more, but too scared to do it. And when I push him out of the nest she flies into a rage at me.

Then there's the worst part, our apartment, provided by my employer in an old wooden structure with upstairs neighbors that are extremely loud on the floor, like hours of pounding, dropping, falling. I don't even really know if they are that loud in terms of decibels. Objective evidence is hard to get, but in any case, I find myself getting more and more agitated as it goes on. Some noises send me over the edge and I break something or scream, or collapse into full panic attack. I shake, sweat, heart pounds. I thought I might have some latent PTSD. But the  I read about misophonia, which is a neurological condition that causes these same reactions. Just perfect. Another rare and unheard of illness to confirm, cope with, and explain for the rest of my life. But it matches my history. I have always been very sensitive to overhead house noises and bass through walls. Like, if a neighbor has a stereo on, I have paced the floor for hours fighting the urge to go beat their door in and destroy the infernal machine. Now I'm trapped inside the machine and I can't take it.

I have started counseling and the therapist is recommending a psychiatrist...good luck way out here on the edge of the world. I talked to my employer and for cultural reasons I completely don't understand we can't get the people to be quiet. Though they may not physically be Bable to be quiet enough if I really do have a condition. So their idea to move us to a free standing quiet house is probably best. God, I'm hoping.

I even asked them if it would be easier just to let me go and I'd go home. But they didn't want to do that. We have a lead on a house, so please soon!

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't analyze or fix myself and I need lots of help to live here. I can completely understand why Peter feared and began to sink. I'm going down fast and can only say, "Lord, help me". You see there's no solid ground out here. It isn't all bad. There are points of grace and light, even some angels that don't know it. But this is hard to do.

Fear

What is fear?  We all feel it, but what is it?  A feeling?  More than a feeling, it can have physical manifestations that grow beyond what we can control.  We have a hard time getting rid of it, so we avoid it, disguise it, find ways to convince ourselves it isn't fear.

Fear has to do with threat.  This can be very credible, but most often is not.  We perceive a threat rather than register a real one.  Is it possible to live without fear?  Many would say no.  But I believe it's possible.

Fear has to do with perception, and threat.  Perception is easily altered.  Threat can only be dispelled in terms of consequence.  If the threat is empty, it ceases to be a threat.  What consequences? Pain of some kind and death.  These are really the only two.

Death is not a fear for me.  It truly isn't.  I know that in death I will move beyond hurt.  I will find peace.  For long reasons I don't want to argue right now I am convinced of this.  And if I'm wrong the only other possibility is that I cease to exist...which still places me beyond the reach of harm.  If there is no life beyond death, then what's the point anyway.  So no fear there.

But pain is more difficult.  Physical pain can be intense prior to death.  Emotional and mental pain can be debilitating.  Yes, pain is what I fear at the root of all fears.

I need a way to lift above or beyond pain.  I can't do this in myself.  But God promises I will not be given more than I can bear.  He says he keeps the steadfast in peace.  He says he works for my good.  The problem is if I believe it.

Yes, the root of fear is distrust.  Can I trust God to lead me?  Can I trust him to help me avoid pain?  Do I need to experience pain so I can cease to fear it?  Do I need to experience a place where my perception of safety and control are obliterated so I can trust more?

Why can I dive into the ocean, climb a mountain, run through the wilderness fearing nothing, but can't shake my trepidation at what lies ahead?  Is this fear or prescient warning?  If I'm wrong what happens?  Something for my good.  If I'm right what happens?  Something good.  Can I trust this?  I want to trust this.  I want to see it more than anything.  I want to walk on the water.  I want to tred the storm, face the lions, the flames, the giants with no fear.

God can I do this?  Please give me a sign and the ability to understand it.  Knock me on my butt with it because I'm dense.  I want you.  I don't want to fail.  I'm about to free fall and God I hope you're there again.

Applied

Recently, I've been dealing with some serious decisions.  I'm not going into them specifically.  It's more about how I'm making them and facing them.

It is stretching me in some ways I hadn't noticed needed stretching.  That's when the story of Jesus and the Rich Young Ruler came to mind.  I realized this is my story right now.  I'm that guy.

The story is that a wealthy young man came up to Jesus and, calling him Teacher, asks what he has to do to receive eternal life.  Jesus says, "You know the commandments."  To which the man replies, "I've done all that since I was a kid."  Obviously not convinced this would do it for him.  Jesus looks on him with affection at this and says, "You still lack one thing (one version says, "if you would be perfect"): sell everything you own and give to the poor, so you'll have treasure in heaven, then take up your cross and follow me."  The man goes away sad at this because it says he had great wealth.

A couple things jump out to me.  One, the guy really wants to know.   He came to find Jesus and he knows keeping the rules is good, but he needs more.  Jesus realizes this and loves the guy for it.  Jesus isn't being dismissive or argumentative.  So I think he tells him what he really needs to do.  But the guy is obviously struggling with how to do it.

Here's the thing.  I'm being faced with this exact choice.  While I'm certainly not rich by American standards, I am above the median in my area and worldwide, that's in the untouchable category.  I lack nothing material.  I can afford anything I want within stretch of reason.  I'm far better off than many people around me.  But I'm faced with an opportunity that will require me to sell everything I own and leave this life.

So I know what this guy was feeling.  I have everything we're taught to strive for.  Everything we're told is a blessing.  I have a great stable job, in my field,  with lots of freedom and good benefits.  I have no debt and my kid's college is totally paid for.  I could sit back and save up, travel, do good with my money, and retire comfortably into a life where I could do the good work I want to do fulltime...of course none of this is certain, but barring unforeseen changes, it'll happen.  But here I have this choice foisted in my lap.  I have asked Jesus to make me like him.  To perfect me.  And here I have the same dang choice.  Family is on board, advisors are on board, friends are on board.  I'm just reluctant to give up this stuff, the security of material things and familiar ways.  What if I'm wrong?  What if this or that happens?  But at the root, I know what I'm worried about.

You see, I'm this guy!  Jesus has just said, "You can stay, you know the commandments, you have lived it; do that."  But I'm still not satisfied and I asked the question, half afraid of the answer...and I got the blasted answer.  If I want to be perfect, I have to sell all my possessions (or give them away) and step into this life which is no slouchy opportunity and quite an honor at my age, but potentially much less materially lucrative and less stable.  I've counted the cost.  It's not totally unknown to me.  But what if...what will I be capable of?  what kind of life will open up to me?  Maybe the life of adventure and discovery I've dreamed of.  Maybe a life of peace and goodness I never thought actually possible.  Maybe a disaster that burns away all my dross and refines me into polished folded steel, a true Glass Dog.  I'll never know if I don't go.

So here's the thing.  The story ends there.  We don't know what the guy did.  But if he is me, I can imagine he thought about it just like I am.  We are of one mind here in some mystical way, I'm sure.  I know I'm loved, that's why Jesus offered me this opportunity.  It is building that one thing I lack in me.  How much do I want it?  Will I sell everything to buy the pearl of great price, to mix in another story?  When I see it like this, this strange feeling overcomes me and from deep inside my soul jumps up and yells, "Here I am, SEND ME!"  Yes!  I want to go!  I want to do it.  I am a follower of Jesus, not in name only, but in heart and action.  I have to.  What else can I do?  I asked to get out of the boat and deuce if he didn't say, "Come."  And I'm standing here like, "Well that wasn't what I expected."  And he's saying, "Did you think I wasn't serious?  Did you think I wasn't real?  You don't have to.  Take the blue pill and all is well, I won't even mention it.  But if you want to be perfect..."

Good God, I'm coming!  Don't let me fall!  I'm about to walk on water.

This is why

Today I saw a middle-aged man who had lost more than 100 pounds to cancer.  He was aged beyond recognition and so weak he could not stand for long.  He walked with a slow shuffling gait.  He used to play guitar in the band at his church and was back on the stage today.

He had to sit in a chair as the guitar slunk almost flat on his lap.  Arms that were no thicker than the neck of the guitar worked to play in a way that used to be effortless as breathing.

At one point in a song he was so moved he slumped forward almost double.  The guitar fell off his lap and hung like a punk bassist.  He kept playing.  When he looked up his eyes glistened.

I don't really know this man.  I don't know his story or his beliefs.  I just know it isn't likely he'll live and if he does it will be a very different life from what he's known.  But for all that.  For all his disappointment, fear, and suffering.  For all his potential misunderstandings, flaws, false beliefs.  In that moment, it was clear that he knew where his need and his hope and his courage lied.

And I call this man a brother.  This is why I'm a Christian.

Gospel

OK.  So this is such a hard topic, that I just wrote a screen full of paragraphs and deleted them all.

Here's the difficulty distilled.  If the Gospel is such good news that people would change their lives from it, change their personalities, go to very gruesome deaths over it, why don't I feel that way about it?  Truth is I don't.  I feel like I should.  But I just don't. 

So let's break down the possibilities. 

1. I am broken such that I am having an inappropriate reaction.

Possible.  I could be mentally damaged in a way that I can't perceive this correctly.  Problem is it's for all people.  So if I can't perceive it appropriately, there's nothing I can do about it, and further discussion is pointless.  I'll either be excused by a good God or condemned for it by an evil one.

2. I am so sinful that it's beyond me.

I thought this for many years.  It led to constant searching, anxiety, self-hatred, and extreme asceticism that even adversely affected my health.  Many of the Mystics started here too and I had clung to them as brothers and sisters in a struggle.  But here's the thing.  Some of them left that life after coming to believe God didn't want them to harm themselves in attempts to cleanse the wicked.

I have to agree here because I also feel the same way.  There was no joy in it, and joy is supposed to be a fruit of the Spirit.  Plus, if I step outside myself and look as objectively as I can, I'm seeking far more than many other people who feel the joy and love the Truth.  Many don't ever even enter such a crisis of existence.  So explaining that could force me to brimstone preaching if I go the Armenian route since they're all dead in their transgressions and marching straight to hell and I should shock them into reality.  Or else I slip into pride or despair on the Calvinist side, since I'm either one of the elect or not, as you choose to interpret the attitude.

3. There is no Gospel.

Tempting.  But I've been down this route before.  It ends in nihilism.  If there is no real truth, then my highest and best faculties are illusions and there are no consequences except to cease being, which doesn't matter anyway.  I am forced into hedonistic abandon as I try to get the most pleasure out of my meaningless life or more usually for nihilists, into despair as no matter of effort makes any real difference.

Of course there's all kinds of outposts where people stop short, such as the progeny concept where our goal is to preserve the species as a whole.  But this ignores individual suffering and identity, and worst of all, still slides quickly to nihilism when I realize that the drive to preserve the species is also a biological illusion...WHY is it good to preserve the species.  The word 'good' ceases to have real meaning...hence the reason nihilists tip toward despair.

Or if 'good' is a real thing, I'm back into objective Truth, and we go back to 1 or 2.

4. I've got the Gospel wrong.

Obviously, I left this for last because this is what I have concluded.  It comes to me over many centuries of writing, from many places, and from many directions that are unrelated to each other.  But this is where I am.  I've had it wrong.  I've been taught it wrong. 

So this leads to the question, what IS the gosepl then?  When I think about what makes me stay a Christian.  What makes me bubble over with joy.  What makes tears stand in my eyes.  What I can't help but share and what I would...seriously would easily go to my death or torture before I deny it.  It isn't any of the things I was taught in Sunday school...man, threaten to seriously start flaying my skin off alive and frying me in a giant hot pan (this has really happened) I'm probably going to find a way to reason out of most anything I learned to recite...I'm just telling you the truth.

But what I won't deny is that God loves each and every one of us.  Dearly deeply loves us.  He doesn't condemn.  He heals.  He doesn't want rule followers.  He doesn't want political duty.  He doesn't want Christians who make Christians (whatever that means was never clearly defined; sorry bro that's why we parted ways).  He wants children that climb up in his lap.  He wants a whole family of people who love each other and live in respect and not just pretend, but really truly fulfill the needs in each other.  It's not a fake it till you make it thing.  It's not a man-up thing (Geez, don't get me started on that one).  What he wants is simple, honest, goodness.  God never left us.  He never turned away from us.  Nothing is too big for him.  All wrongs will be righted.  All wounds will be healed, no matter who you are, where you are from, or even what you mistakenly believe.  Because the real Truth IS irresistible.  Who wouldn't want to fall into the arms of the perfect love and peace.  ALL of us all over the planet, no matter who, when, where, or how, know this.  I read the Bible this way.  I see Jesus as epitomizing this.  It doesn't deny other religions, it subsumes them.  I see this idea truly revolutionizing the world.  Not always under the flag of Christianity, but in a steady progression of higher and higher societal ideas which are large scale mirrors of individual ideals.

It makes me change my ways...I want to be good.  BE good, not just SEEM good.  I am free to give of myself because I know it matters and will only generate more good.  I want to tell others so they can be freed from the fears and hurts they have.  I want to help HEAL those hurts, even if it means taking some of them on myself, and thus I participate in God's work.  This is a message I would take to the ends of the earth.

And as much as it scares the living sense out of me, I'd just have to be flayed if you wanted me to say anything otherwise because denying that real Goodness and Love exist is to turn suffering brothers and sisters into more pain than you can give me.  And that I just can't do.  THAT's GOSPEL.

Blown Again

I should be getting used to this by now.  I have been teaching myself to read ancient Greek.  It's slow, but I've got time.  So I was reading Romans 3:22 and picked up on something that didn't seem right.  The NIV translates it as (context included):

But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

In ESV the last sentence carries into v25:

21But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— 22the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,

But the Greek doesn't say, "faith in Jesus".  It says, "faith of Jesus".  I thought I must be reading it wrong, But in the Greek, it is quite certainly the possessive form of the noun, usually translated as apostrophe s or "x of y".  This is confirmed in extra-biblical sources.  I'd eventually remembered seeing this translation before.  Some versions like KJV, Darby, and Youngs render it this way.  So it's not a verse about what we have to do, but about what Jesus did.

The thing is, that changes the meaning dramatically!  If it's not about how to receive salvation, as I had been taught, then what is it about?  So I looked further into the verse.

That's when another mistranslation jumped out at me.  To get the idea, I'll give you a very literal translation from Young's:

And now apart from law hath the righteousness of God been manifested, testified to by the law and the prophets, 22and the righteousness of God [is] through the faith of Jesus Christ to all, and upon all those believing, — for there is no difference, 23for all did sin, and are come short of the glory of God — 24being declared righteous freely by His grace through the redemption that [is] in Christ Jesus,

And again in the most literal I found, Darby's (which was actually created not to be read, but to be an English study tool for people who didn't know Greek)

21But now without law righteousness of God is manifested, borne witness to by the law and the prophets; 22righteousness of God by faith of Jesus Christ towards all, and upon all those who believe: for there is no difference; 23for all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; 24being justified freely by his grace through the redemption which [is] in Christ Jesus;

Do you see the difference? This is not about how to, "be saved".  There's no prequalifier directing this to only those who believe, or ascribe to the right system.  No performance standard.  That is the old religious mindset of the Jews, the Classical Pagans, and every other religion.  Far from being an exclusive text, this is ultimately inclusive.

No one is right.  All are justified, including those who believe, because of Jesus' faith.  Not only those who believe in Jesus.  "For there is no difference"!  Why?  Because ALL have fallen short, but are justified freely by the ransom (i.e. 'getting rid of-ness' in possessive form again) in Jesus.

Wow!    Bomb dropped.    Mind blown.    Again.

Why is this a big deal?  It's really good news!  We're not exchanging one religious system for another.  That's the point of the chapter!  That's Paul's whole deal across all his writings!  Remember this is coming from Paul, the guy that some think is so different from the other writers in the Bible he should be decanonized!  But in this clearer understanding, he's right in line with the spirit of the other writers.  We are all justified.  Period.  Jesus did away with everything else by his faith.  Paul, the murdering jihadist, knew that better than anyone.  

His faith in what?  I'm not sure.  But faith just means trust.  That's really all the Greek word means.  It was a banking term originally.  Like you trust the bank with your money or a creditor trusts you enough to lend to you.  I think it might be his trust that God was working for his good.  In other words, his trust in God that all he was going through was necessary and would come out right.  His trust that God loved him and was powerful enough to complete what he had set out to do.  This is a Gospel...good news...I can get behind!

But what about belief?  Am I saying even people who don't believe go to heaven?  What about murderers and rapists?

OK.  Slow down a minute.  I am NOT discounting belief.  The Bible talks about it a lot.  Jesus himself says it.  What I'm talking about is JUSTIFICATION.  That doesn't depend on belief.  Secondly, let's use another word.  The original word is a verb form of the noun faith.  So it isn't like believing a fact.  To disbelieve a fact is idiotic.  Even an abstract fact, like the sun coming up tomorrow.  Sure we all know the world could end and the sun may not come up in some remote, all-possibilities-included, sort of way.  But to seriously disbelieve this...enough to act on the belief, would be a sign of mental illness, not faith.  Jesus isn't saying we have to believe in him like we believe in the sunrise...Yeah, he existed, even the demons believe that!

So if we sub in the word trust, it works a lot better.  Jesus says we need to trust him.  Yeah, of course.  He trusted God, and see what happened?  We have to trust him and act on what he said, then we'll see what happens too.  Not until then.  He is the first down the path.  The firstborn, the Bible calls him.

Next, let's let go of this concept of salvation equalling heaven.  That's a shallow piece of the puzzle.  And I can tell you, for anyone who has really faced their demons, heaven is the least of their worries and not much of a reward.  Sure I'll take it when I get there, but I really need the help NOW.

As for murderers and rapists, yeah, they are justified too.  I don't get it either.  But I trust God enough to know that everyone gets fair play and all wrongs are righted.  So I don't know what has to happen to people like that.  I don't know what they go through, internally, externally, in this life, or elsewhere.  But I trust that their wrong will be righted.  Not in vengeance alone, because that sort of retribution doesn't fix the wrong.  

But in real ways that are bigger than me or them, I can see that for them to come to true realization of the horror they have inflicted, the horror they have become, is the best vengeance and for them to react to that by doing all they can to compensate for it (i.e. to repent) can lead to far more good than the wrong done.  I also trust that the wronged person is not ultimately ruined, but can blossom from it into something so much more beautiful (hear me here: I know whereof I speak), and I can equally mourn the wrong and hope for the redemption of the wronger without hatred.
 

What If

What if our entire human existence as we know it is a peculiar state encapsulated in matter and time, matrix-like.  What if, in the truest reality, thought and action are so intricately linked that to think is already to do? What if the way to stop us from destroying ourselves was for God to lock us in this sequential bubble called space-time and fill it with thick and slow matter that is always decaying and recycling.

What if the fact that bad things can only happen at points in time and have limited spatial scope and duration is a mercy to limit the destructive capability of beings with the creative mind and will of the All Maker.

What if God determined that he would generate a truly free being that could grow and change on its own as much without his control as possible.  What if he decided to prove that his power was so perfect that even these beings, perfectly capable of unmaking themselves, would come to good and not be lost?

What if this consequence-delaying and scope-mitigating safety net of space-time is the way that could occur? What if humans are grown and not made?  What if space-time is our growth medium, our soil?  Growing us is the only way we could be truly free.  If we were compelled in any way other than guidance, we would not be free to be other than that and could not therefore truly love.

I, for one, would not want someone who only met my needs, even if they were perfectly good at it.  I could never know if they loved me for myself or because I wanted them to.  The only way I could determine that would be if the lover is perfectly free to love or not love, to go or stay, to choose things, people, etc. other than me.  What if that's what we are made for?

What if Jesus expressed this and guided us toward that growth that God knows will lead to our ultimate form?  Our ultimate form would be our ultimate fulfilment.  It couldn't be otherwise, unless our existence truly is a cruel cosmic joke.  But that doesn't even make sense.  Either there is order and it is good, or there is none, in which case we are beautiful but meaningless accidents that have no real value nor can make value judgements...but this is another conversation.

What if, everything Jesus taught was quickly co-opted and filtered through the natural paganism of humanity until he became nothing more than a new god in the pantheon, replacing outworn faces and practices with the same spirit of appeasement and supplication.

What if this is exactly what he meant by "ever looking but not seeing; ever hearing but not understanding".  And "he who has ears let him hear."

If this is the case, perhaps some people are just not developed enough to get it. If this is the case, there is no point in seeking stupid compliance and following rules.  They would only hinder us.

If our conception of God or reality is wrong, then urging people to comply with some system will only cement wrong ideas in them.  Better to let them go and learn and grow.  What if this is the point of the rich young ruler?  What if this is the key to everything Paul said, which otherwise seems so harsh and unJesus-like?

What if we were to try out this understanding and see if it's got any truth?

I have been doing this.  I have not found the bottom of the rabbit hole yet.  My heart swells at each new idea of it.  It's good news that I am bursting to share.  I can't deny it, don't want to.  It fills me with love for the beautiful possibilities I see in people around me in a way that old religion never did.  And it fills me with fire against anything or anyone that tells others lies about what is so good for them.  For the first time, I am beginning to understand how the martyrs could have felt.  I thought I understood before.  But no militant mindset can hold up to what they faced.

So preachers keep preaching your dead theology and keep watching your churches empty.  Ministers keep teaching rules instead of nurturing truth and watch how people fall away as fast as they fall in.  Whitewashed tombs where the dead can bury their own.  Your god is not my God.

My God exists in spirit and truth, light and life and love. And in spite of all the bad, he will make all things good.  And not just good as in lack of bad, but good such that every note of bad that ever existed will be rolled up into a goodness that we can not imagine as we see how it was simply the orchestrating of our own richer blossoming.

I'm not asking you to believe this.  Honestly, I don't care if you do.  It doesn't change anything either way.  I'm just saying, what if...

Not a Miracle

I debated whether to post this or not.  But then, I realized that hiding the truth even to spare someone is a kind of lie.  And letting them believe a lie is not doing them any favors.  At the same time, I don't want to damage anyone's faith or reputation unduly, so I am going to stay very anonymous and use pronoun swapping to further shield the person's identity.  Chances are he will never read this, but someone who knows her (see how that works) might.  If you decide to share it with the person, that's up to you.  I ask any reader to be sensitive.

The other day I met someone who walked into this place and very quickly introduced himself to me with a good deal of flourish and formality about who had invited her and why he was there, etc.  I don't know why she introduced herself to me, perhaps he thought I was someone important.  But being the kind of person I am, I am instantly turned off by any pretense at someone being special because of who they know or what they do.  So in an effort to politely express that, I returned the introduction, "Hi, I'm Cav.  I'm nobody."

As soon as I said it, his eyes softened and she began to concernedly explain that I truly was somebody in a mealy voice that further turned me off.  "Here, we go," I thought.  "I should have seen this coming."  But I just politely excused myself from the whole thing and went about my business.  Soon, though he was back asking me if I was an artist.  No?  Maybe a musician?  No, huh.  Finally trying to end this unnecessary bolstering of my self-esteem, I said, "I organize.  That's what I do."  Which I was actually doing at the moment; trying to set something up for her, which she was too involved in my bolstering to help me with. "I set stuff up for ____." I said indicating what I was doing and inserting his self-proclaimed title in the blank.

"See, there's something!" was the sappy reply.

So chalk it up to different strokes, it takes all kinds, whatever.  I went on with my evening.  But later as we were about to leave this person finds me again and has to, "give me a Word."

OK, sidebar.  If you aren't familiar with the term, "give a Word", it's used in certain sects of Christianity to indicate a special message from God.  If you do know the term, please understand that those from other traditions (like me) find it, at best, an excuse to tell us whatever emotional sentiment happened to occur to you at the moment.  And opinions on it range down from there through insipid, presumptuous, and even heretical.  So if you want to get along with someone from a different sect, hold off on this phrase until you know where they stand.  End sidebar.

So, now I'm totally completely uninterested in anything he has to say.  But in the interest of polite brotherhood, I opted to simply listen politely rather than start an argument or offend someone who might be legitimately thinking she's doing good.

The "word" was that I was a craftsman and artist, even though I don't thinkso and when I expressed it by dancing as she had seen me do a few minutes before it had "changed the atmosphere."  Then he capped it with some vague Bible references that I knew but didn't see the relevance of.  But I thanked her and I could tell he was looking for more of a response.  So I turned the conversation to other more general topics and ended with as genuine of a 'nice to meet you' as I could manage.

So, you might be thinking, what a jerk I am for discounting this sensitive soul's attempt to help me.  But if someone is thinking a duck is a flamingo and publicly declaring it, am I not cruel to leave them uncorrected?  Or to be more realistic, if someone is repeatedly calling a new acquaintance by the wrong name, am I not right to point that out, even if it results in momentary embarassment?

So here is what I want to say to this person.  Please read it with as much love and tenderness as you can:  You were wrong.  You weren't hearing anything special from God about me.  You misinterpreted just about everything I said.  And you were very nearly offensive to my brand of faith.  I won't go so far as to say there is never anything true in the way you practice your faith, but in this case, you were totally off.

I know who I am, good and bad.  At least as much as any human can, and probably a good deal more than most, as evidenced by this blog.  I know where my true value lies.  I give God the glory for that.  But culturally, I find it offensive and morally wrong to place any human above another.  So I wasn't going to brag about myself to a total stranger. 

I can't honestly say, I've never dropped a name or asked for a special introduction. But I view these times as failings and ask God to help me become more like the servant Jesus was, who wouldn't even answer the false accusations against him.  In fact, like I said, I wouldn't even be saying this if I didn't think it wrong to withhold the truth when I have the power to potentially open someone's eyes.

Secondly, I come from a tradition where what you do is not considered to be from God.  We read the same verses and arrive at different conclusions and styles.  Neither of us can categorically prove the other wrong.  God will reveal the truth to us as we grow.  So until that time, I'm willing to respect your beliefs and ways.  I ask that you also respect mine. 

So reader, if you find this sounding uncannily like you (whether it was you or not) please know I don't hate you.  I think you were trying to do good.  But please recognize that not everyone understands or even approves of what you do.  If you would call those of us brothers, then maybe you should tone it back a little, especially if this is the first time you meet someone.

Imagine how much damage you could do to someone's faith if they believed you were hearing from God but were totally wrong.  Does that mean God is wrong?  Or are you a liar?  Or maybe just a lunatic?  I'm not saying this is what I think of you, because I understand what you were attempting.  But this is what you might look like to someone who doesn't know better.  So don't bruise a reed.

I speak for the trees.

Rephrased

So the Fanbase asked me a question about my last post.  Seems it caused some confusion.  This blog is usually a very raw vomiting of my thoughts such that I  rarely remember what I've written once it's posted.  But she is a dear friend and actually engages this rambling enough to think about it (which is saying something) so I went back over my post and am now trying to offer a fuller explanation, which will delve into the theological.

First, let me say that I wasn't making up the ideas I talked about in the last post.  I was merely rumbling them around in my own mind, much like a rat thoroughly inspects its treats before eating them.  The ideas themselves are all well established, centuries-old ideas that have been well treated in Christian record.  They are, in fact, some of the sharper dividing lines between certain large chunks of denominations.  All this to say, I'm not in any danger of moving beyond the lighted sphere of orthodoxy, in the sense that each side of the debate is considered orthodox to some major denominations.  Though if you've only been steeped in one side, the other will no doubt seem nearly heretical.

The funny thing is if you are a Christian, you probably know people whose denomination is on the other side of the fence and never knew there was a fence.  I know for a fact the Fanbase has regularly attended churches on both sides, and judging by her questions, didn't notice.  This is not a slight to the Fanbase.  I mean it only to say, I am struggling with some obscure points of doctrine that mean a lot to me, but won't really impact most people...which is why I hate theology as a discipline in the first place.  End of preface, now the meat.

The struggle for me is over the doctrines of penal substitutionary atonement and imputed righteousness.  These things are endlessly discussed in theological texts, blogs, websites, etc.  So feel free to delve as deep down that rabbit hole as you want.  Here's a good place to start: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/inebriateme/2014/11/thoughts-against-penal-substitutionary-atonement/.  In very brief, the first is a teaching of what Jesus' dying and rising again accomplished and how.  The second is about how salvation works.

Penal substitution says that Jesus had to die to pay for our sins.  The theory, and I stress these are all theories since God didn't see fit to lay it out in long-winded grammar (though I will argue by the end that it is laid out in other ways).  Anyway, the theory says that God is both just and loving.  So he can't abide sin, but he has to forgive it.  To be just, he has to punish the guilty.  But that means killing all his children that he loves.  So God himself decides to take his own punishment for us.  So he sends the aspect of himself known as the Logos or Son to be a human so that he can be fully divine and fully human.  In this way he can 1. support the weight of all humanity's guilt for all sins for all time.  2. take the annihilating punishment of God the Father for us.  and 3. Survive it (the resurrection).  Therefore we as humans can now claim Christ's atonement as ours and are no longer guilty of our own sins, even the ones we haven't committed yet.  God's wrath is satisfied.

This is the doctrine I was steeped in as a kid.  I was trained in theology from a young age and taught to apologize (argue) the faith, since in that particular bent of the faith, it is the duty of every good Christian to be an educated debator for the faith who wins souls by the power of our divinely inspired compelling logic (groan).  But if I'm honest with myself, this doctrine raises so many questions and bad understandings of God.  Of course, I can give you all the answers to dodge the problems, but they are just that: dodges, not resolutions.  Which is probably why that group hasn't won the world in 2000 years time.

For one, how is it just to punish an innocent person?  For that matter, how is it just to let the guilty off because someone else stepped in?  How does that help the guilty get better?  How does that right the wrong they committed?  But worse than that, what does it teach about God?  He seems a twisted father that beats his children black and blue while thinking it's to make them improve.  Or worse yet, the father who beats another kid because his kid did something wrong.  He seems the very opposite of love, or at least schizophrenic about it.  It doesn't at all mesh with the countless verses about love, protection, forgiveness.  In fact, there are far more verses in both the old and new testament that are clearly about God's love and forgiveness and fatherhood than there are verses to support the penal sub model, and those that do could easily be interpreted in other ways.

Moving on.  The second doctrine of imputed righteousness says that Christ's substitutionary work is imputed, put on, the believer so that they are now viewed as righteous in God's sight, even though they are still going to commit sins.  It says that when God looks at a human, he sees the bad we've done, unless we have accepted Christ (done in different ways in various denominations) in which case God sees Christ...in other words, we have a big "PAID" stamp across us, so we're good.  Forgetting the mechanics of this, which are all purely speculation, it still raises many questions, such as why we would be left to continue committing sins?  Why wouldn't it stop?  Why wouldn't it be imputed in a way that it did stop?  It requires some sci-fi time-space disconnect to understand why "new creations" aren't really any newer than the old ones in any humanly discernible way.  I remember the huge let-down when I was baptized and didn't feel any different.  I know some people that kept getting baptized again and again because they felt so much the same they thought it just wasn't sticking, like they were dud dunks.  I felt the same about saying "the salvation prayer".

Not only these questions, but then come the aftermath questions.  Let's say we accept it for a second.  Now what?  Can I just go sin and know it's not going on the record anyway?  Already paid, like a cosmic gift card?  Or do I need to be careful to stay in the salvation?  Perhaps I could get uncovered as easily as I got covered and I'd never know it.  To deal with this, my particular group has ample proof-texts about assurance of salvation to convince us we can't lose it, even if we continue to be terribly bad people.  While others do stress a continuation in faith to keep the record clear.  And still others require a continual re-covering for the new sins.

At this point I should note that the two doctrines are not tied together.  There are denominations who accept one and not the other.

So this brings me to the point of my last post.  I have slowly grown to the point that I can't accept either of the two doctrines.  But what then?  When I try to read the Bible with fresh eyes, I can't hear anything but the old interpretations because I was SOOO steeped in what they mean to the group I was raised in.  So my heart says, "No, it can't be!" and my head says, "But it must!"  And that was what came out in my last post.

Fortunately, I am beginning to see what else is there.  It has taken years of information filtering into my brain, but now it is coming together so that it makes sense.  The trail was blazed by many things that Steve Miegs taught, though I don't know if he remembers them because he was so caught up in the moment when he spoke, I have no doubt he spoke from the Spirit.  C.S Lewis, then laid the real groundwork (I often refer to him as my teacher Jack in this blog) with his talk of halls and rooms and hell being locked from the inside.  The push down the road came from Wayne Jacobsen, who showed me I was not alone in modern times and that if my heart was sick at the system, it was not a flaw in me, but God's truest voice.  Also that what we call churches need not be the Church.  And the fog is clearing at the hands of George MacDonald (Uncle George), who wrote so so many things about this a full two centuries before I would read them.  It is Uncle George who is primarily showing me how to understand the world in this new view.

Of course there have been many others along the way, helping hands and points in the direction.  One of the dearest to me is Dan Dunn, who has never had a shadow of doubt that I was heading right, and never placed an ounce of pressure to do otherwise, even when it forces us to part ways for a time.  He is truly a Christ-like example for me in what it means to love people where they're at.

Which brings me to the summary of this long post.  So what now?  For me, I think we can leave the theology (study about God) and just get to know the real God.  There is only one way to do this.  That is to do what he says.  As Uncle George says, if anyone truly wants to see what Truth might reside in Jesus, he just has to try it out.  There's a reason Jesus didn't leave a theological treatise.  He didn't even write a single word of his own.  He simply DID his work.  So forget the teachings, the processes, the doctrines.  I don't care if you never understand the history or processes, or even call him Lord.  If you want to find out if he was who he said, simply open one of the Gospels and go do what you read him doing.  Simply start with whatever next comes your way.  In whatever way you can act like Jesus, do it and see what happens.  Then do it again and again until you understand.  If there's no value, you'll soon see.  Doing good can't hurt in any case.  But if there is value in it beyond the ordinary good deed, you might just have found the door to the universe.  Work it out and see for yourself.  If you get stuck, let's talk.  No guarantees I'll have an answer, but if God is there, shouldn't he help us find one?

I am convinced, this is the only true means of salvation and I'll go no further for now accept to say that it was proven for me in one simple sentence when a dear friend was downing Christians and then said to me, "but you and your wife are the most Christ-like people I've ever met.  You actually live it."  I almost cried right there on the street.  There could be no better compliment for me and no better proof amidst all my doubts.

The Way

Imputed Righteousness.  This seems hokey to me.  It's never been well explained.  Just the kind of theological leap they put together to fill in a gap in a system.

I feel that I understand the reality of things in an inexplicable way, but what salvation and faith are, then needs expressing and I can't get away from the training I was steeped in...which is the imputed stuff.

But now, I am having a glimmer of something new.  I believe it deep down, like I said, but am not sure I can express it fully yet.

Uncle George has been helping me.  He said through Robert Falconer that imputed righteousness is a lying doctrine.  That we must all be clothed with the righteousness of saints, our own righteousness, not someone else's.  This seems to make so many things fit together better.  I am not magically made clean, but strangely left the same through some wonky time-space split.  That's sci-fi!  But if Galatians 2:16 says (and indeed the Greek does bear it out) that we are saved through the faith OF Christ, not IN Christ as the modern translations put it, then salvation and the work of Christ were truly to be the first fruits.  Not to substitute innocent for guilty in some blood-lust psycho fantasy, but to pave the way.  His perfect faith in his father to save him shows me how to have faith in him and his father.  He makes the unknowable knowable and I am being made righteous.  Not instantly, but throughout my life.  I am being finished, perfected.  We all are.  Christ shows how that works, what that means, and makes it possible.  But my sins are my sins.  I must reap what I've sown; only through that, I can rise as Christ has.

So is my salvation through faith?  Absolutely.  Christ's faith, and in kind, my faith.  This perfect faith tells me I am in good hands and that frees me to act in ways that repair and grow me.  My work in it is not to say some stupid prayer like a magic incantation.  It is not even to believe without doubt, like wishing on a star.  But neither is it to earn my place.  It is simply to do as my big brother has done.  To learn to submit myself fully to what God has made me to be.

And this is done, as James says, by working out my faith in actions.  The actions God places before me to do, small or big, in every moment.  Without schemes and angles.  Helping when help is needed.  Patient when sick.  Compassionate with those who need it.  Ethical at work.  Gracious when driving.  Quiet when rest is required.  In doing the will of his father, Jesus demonstrated his faith.  I must do the same.  In this I find the only proof available that my faith is not in vain, but it is the surest proof.

So this understanding unties faith and works, explains the cross and faith, clearly shows what is good about the "good news" in a way that any person can see (not just those who contort in theological ways like Candide's teacher.) And gives clear direction for my life.  And does so in a way that doesn't require any unnatural explanation.  Even the simplest person could grasp it.  How is this wrong again?

God take me ever further up and further in.  Help my reply to the rhetoric to be my actions for you.  I am your sheepdog.

New Wine

Think of a world of goodness.  A world of hope and happiness in which people are fulfilled and not wronged.  A place where you are known for who you are and you can drop the masks of conformity and social acceptance.  A place where things are as they should be.

Doesn't exist, right?  Many people have promised it in one form or another.  Many have sought it in one form or another.  Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization.  But our hearts know when it isn't there, right?  Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.

I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper.  That we had to follow him.  That all we had to do was accept his free gift.  Well, accept it and truly believe it.  That, and stop doing bad things.  Oh, and go to church, learn about him.  Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life.  Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes.  Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness.  That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do.  Of course, we can't judge.  Some of them could actually be saved.  But definitely not those over there.

God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind?  Who can keep that up?  It's insidious and wicked to the core!  It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid.  So if that's what hope is, I can't have it.  And without hope, there's only nihilism.  A dry empty desert of never-ending grey.  No direction, no purpose.  Just blind existence.  Nothing matters.  Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.

But in that place, something broke through in me.  It was fresh and bright and full of energy.  I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands.  Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know.  I was just glad to have breath.  To see light.  To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it.  While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked.  I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.

If it ate me up, I didn't care.  That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.

It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught.  So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy.  If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light.  How could I not!  This thing was palpable.  I couldn't go back to that death.  But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught.  When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said.  They said things that flared that light inside me.  Things I didn't find anywhere else.

Now I've blogged enough about my darkness.  That cloud in my flesh never really goes away.  But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see.  And I mean that, no one.  And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.

But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare!  Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?

Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are.  But most of those that think they get it don't.  They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system.  But you can't!

I'm telling you all, you know who you are.  You can't rein it in because it isn't in me.  You can't rein me in because I'm in it.  It's so much bigger.  You touch it and then try to bottle it.  But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth.  I don't steer it, box, it, guide it.  It guides me!  It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me.  In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.

See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying.  You think you've got it.  We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible.  "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart.  Yeah, that's because they're describing this!  It just isn't what you think it is!!  If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me.  You'd look at me like you know what I know.  I can tell man!  I know because I came to it from the outside.  I couldn't see it from the inside either. 

So you know what?  I'm done with it.  I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted.  New wine skins for new wine, yeah?

The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you.  But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error.  We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate.  You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."

But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading.  Because I know you'll come sooner or later.  Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta.  And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way:  Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen.  Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms.  See what happens.  Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response.  Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled.  Don't believe me?  Try it.

To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel.  Chase it down where you find it.  That love won't lead you too far off.  And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me.  I mean that.  I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it.  We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.

Money

Ok.  Nothing tricky here.  Just some thoughts on money that occurred to me today on my drive home from work.  I hear many modern Evangelical Christians talk about money.  It's perhaps the most distasteful topic someone can preach on.  We often assume this is because people are so addicted to money.  Servants of Mammon, to use a Biblical reference.

But I don't think this is necessarily so.  Obviously there are plenty of people calling themselves Christians who most certainly are wrapped up in money, and if not money itself, then the culture of consumerism, which is simply the same vice, a step removed.  But then I believe there are a great number of people (I know several who are decidedly NOT part of this culture of money) that still take issue with it.  Why is that?

I think first, it has to do with context.  Most people who preach about money are doing it in a context where the method of parting with it (for our own good, they say) is to give it to the speaker.  OK.  So you just told me how bad the money is and I should improve myself by giving the bad stuff to you.  Classic con game!

I'm not saying pastors asking for money are intentionally trying to con people, though I know undoubtedly some are.  I think most actually believe their own rhetoric.  Which often includes the ever-popular story of the rich young ruler in the Gospels.   This is where Jesus tells a man to be perfect he must sell his possessions and makes the famous camel through the eye of the needle comment.  I will resist the urge to digress into the misinterpretations of this story, since they are much more eloquently discussed by so many more qualified people than me.  Suffice to say, the speaker most often obviously hasn't followed this himself, so he's got no right to talk.

Other rhetoric centers on the verse about serving God and Mammon.  I've heard lots of exposition on Mammon as a god of wealth or a symbol of the corrupting power of money, but my favorite mammon speech is that it's actually a spirit which curses all money.  Conveniently the way to remove this curse often has to do with giving money to the speaker, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  In this speech, the pastor tries to convince the crowd that money is not bad, it's only the cursed money.  This is my favorite because it expertly circumvents the problem of the church receiving the vile stuff which they then use with relish.  The biggest problem here is that it is not anywhere found in the Bible.  It's all made up once they depart from the one line that says 'Mammon'.  I think it's a popular tactic because it allows the speaker, who is generally an educated person with some training in logic and apologetics to self-delude.  Ignoring issues that include how it got cursed in the first place and why God allows a good thing to be emphatically cursed.  The answer is often that it's God's way of making us give to Him what's His, as if God were a peevish and selfish gangster who would use curses and spiritual thugs to enforce his will.  Instead of the source of love and light near which no unclean thing may approach and from which our definition of "good" is derived.

Back on the practical level, as I was getting to above, the first twinge of dissonance occurs, often subconsciously, by the fact that the speaker is taking our money!  If it's bad, you, pastor, don't want it either!  And if it's cursed until we give it to you, why is not cursed again once you take it?  Is it the act of giving that removes the curse?  What if I was to re-give a pure gift, a birthday present.  Is that cursed?  Someone gave it to me!  If it's cursed once I get it even if given to me, why is it not cursed when you take it?

The answer propounded to this is that it's cursed until I give it to God (i.e. your church, as His agent).  But first I have to ask, what year is this?  Curses and Spirits? Real or not, is your audience even buying that?  And secondly, I can make up stuff too, bro!  If we're just going to pull it out of any random word, I can present you with just as much Biblical proof that God has chicken wings!  And I'm not kidding about that.  Ask me.

Seriously, you just can't ask people to give up money because it's bad for them and then take it yourself.  You really can't even ask for money that you'll use at all without seeming like what you're doing: MOOCHING! to put it kindly.  That's what we call it in any other relationship and you're human too, bro.

Here's what you can do. If your motive is really to help your listeners become better people by letting go of money.  Then don't take it.  Lead by example.  Take up a collection that is 100% going to someone else reputable and unaffiliated with your organization (not a parishioner, either).  Give it away.  See if that boosts your totals that week.  No games, no shaving, or calling your building fund an 'outreach opportunity'.  No lame rebate guarantee "if God doesn't bless you" (I've actually heard this one too).  Simply say, "to prove the principle, all money collected today is going to Samaritan's Purse."  Or whatever charity.  Unless of course you're with Samaritan's Purse, in which case I don't think you're using these tactics anyway, but if you are, give it to someone else.

Better yet, do what Jesus himself did and tell them to give it to the poor... unspecified.  That's what he did with the Rich Young Ruler.  He didn't take it for his ministry!  He set the challenge and sent him off to do it.

The other approach you could take is to specifically tell people what the money is for.  I've watched a struggling church receive a dismal offering at collection time, but then the same crowd dump their pockets for a guy who was building schools in Africa.  Same day!  Same service!  One plate got pittence, the other overflowing!  Why?  Because the school builder was offering a tangible product.  People were buying in, plain and simple.  This of course does nothing to stir people from their money-driven mindset, in fact it might reinforce it.  But at least the money flows to a place where it can do some good and no one looks like a shyster.

But I haven't even mentioned the elephant in the room yet.  This is of course the fact that churches in general are so into money themselves!  They need it.  The organization requires funds to support the overhead and the ministries, etc.  Sounds a whole lot like a non-profit corporation to me...Oh wait, that's what it is.  The modern church organization has become no different than the Red Cross, the World Wildlife Fund, or the ASPCA.  Of course, they'll tell you it takes money to reach people.  But I emphatically and totally disagree.  It takes money to run your organization, yes.  But Jesus himself and countless others have reached many people without a dime.  Yes, you, modern church, are more addicted to money than the majority of people you preach to.  Seriously!  The people you preach to gave some of theirs away and aren't out begging for it!

Your faith was founded by a guy who left his home and career.  A guy who gave up everything.  A guy who never asked anyone for money and never gave it to anyone either.  Sure he used it, but only for it's intended purpose: as a medium of trade.  But he really and truly didn't rely on it.  He even sent his first disciples out with the command to take no money so they would be forced to see God's provision for them.

Bottom line is that you can't tell a kid not to smoke with a cigarette in your hand.  It is the definition of HYPOCRITE!  And we see it. Your mental gymnastics (or the bugaboo ghost stories) won't get around this plain and simple fact.  Even if that isn't your intent, avoid the appearance of evil, yeah?  Give it up!

I speak for the trees.

God, help me.

Christians talk of love.  We're told to overlook, forgive, bear with, no one is perfect, don't judge.  And yet, in so many cases, this is entirely the duty of the listener and not at all reflected by the speaker or his organization.

It starts to sound hollow after awhile.  So I'm supposed to be eternally forgiving offences against me, some of which are grossly wrong...morally, ethically, personally wrong...and yet the person/people preaching this are the very offenders who then refuse to show it to me, to bear with me, to overlook, forgive, withhold judgement of my faults.

Now the moralist in me is screaming that two wrongs don't make a right and that one must do right regardless of how one is treated.  OK.  I know this.  But it doesn't change the bitterness and anger that rise up at it again and again.  And it isn't everyone.  I know many people who do live out their faith and have shown me great love, even when I don't deserve it.  So again, I blame the institution for creating the paradigm in which a man can stand over anonymous heads and orate without having to answer to the eyes and mouths of those he speaks to.  Where he doesn't have to feel the full and immediate effect of his words.  There has to be a better way.

I feel like I know that way too.  I have glimpsed it, smelled it, but can't quite apprehend it.  I'm not planning anything.  I'm over trying to work my own will in these cases.  I just don't have the energy any more.  But I want to understand, to walk in it, to help it grow where it sprouts.

Am I missing something?  I find myself cringing from certain aspects of the faith.  Embarrassed by them.  I don't want to be caught listening to Christian radio.  I don't even like the music.  I just need some uplifting, faithful, stilling presence and commercial radio (at least the genres I can tolerate) is all about degradation and glory in low things.  I hate to pray over meals in public, though I do it at home with a will and a desire to instill it in my son.

Am I embarrassed by the faith?  No.  I'm not.  I'll easily tell someone I'm Christian, that I go to church, that I believe in universal Truth and live morally, etc.  I'll discuss my faith at length and detail in certain contexts, not just amongst other Christians.  So I am not embarrassed by the faith.  So what is it?

If it was just hokey contrivances, I would not do them myself.  So I see value in them.  This means the issue must be deeper.  Perhaps a fear of seeming naive or backward.  Perhaps of being misunderstood.  I can't tell what it is.  My Evangelical background steps forward at this point and begins condemning me that those who are ashamed of Christ, he will be ashamed of.  Words from his own mouth!  And my heart quails.  But yet I find the same reactions persisting.

I am fickle and inconsistent.  And then I am reminded quietly of Peter who denied Christ three times after just proclaiming his allegiance and even using a blade against an armed troop of men to defend Jesus.  I am reminded of Paul who could not do the good he wanted to do, though he knew what it was.

And so this Sunday, when I was sitting in church, at odds with the place and myself, the pastor, whom I don't even know if I like and certainly don't yet trust, calls us to take Communion in a way that does not put me off.  Not single serving plastic wrapped.  Not greatly orated.  Simply saying that we will serve ourselves because, "you need no one coming between you and your God."  And so I go forward, looking into my own heart, wondering what I will say to Him in the moment, though I feel something must be said.  At the same time, I dred that my heart may burst out my eyes in front of everyone, as too often happens when I encounter God.  I take the wafer, dip it in the cup, and at that second, my heart cries out, "God, help me."

I don't even know where it came from...well I do really.  But I was not planning it, I promise you.  I felt my eyes well, clenched my teeth to stop it, and rushed back to my seat.  Then it came to me that this simple line is the essence of my faith, of all faith.  I don't know.  I can't do.  God, help me.

And on this rock, I can stand.  Nothing more, nothing less.  God, help me.  God, help me.

Roots

I have been reading another George MacDonald book.  Uncle George does not disappoint again.  This one, I've been putting off since it doesn't seem like something I'd like at first blush.  It's called the Vicar's Daughter, and it's described as a Victorian novel.  Hmmm.  Need I say more?

But as usual, when the time is right things fall into place and I went ahead to read it.  Also, per usual, I found that the stereotype of "Victorian" is far from the truth.  Certainly this book was written in the Victorian era.  As such it has a certain defined social code, etc.  But humans are human and I find all the fun, struggles, loves common to all people.  However, literary critic I am not, and so I won't belabor this.

What really has taken me is the thorough similarity of the characters with my own time and viewpoints.  I don't mean this to say I have an old-fashioned mindset.  I'm far from a traditionalist,and am not very sentimental.  But I grew up in a prosperous country on the teeter of decline, in a middle class family, right as the notions of an older generation were passing away from our culture.  I moved naturally from this to a countercultural worldview we call punk.  I grew up into a productive member of society with a family, though not shedding my ideals to do it.  This book focuses on just the same class of people in the same situation.  What I call punk, they call Bohemian, but the description is almost identical...obviously, not the appearance specifically, nor the music, etc.  But the ideals and the manifestations of those ideals are the same, even down to the shockingly reproachful clothes .

But even more than this is the similarity in faith.  While I had known my views were part of an unbroken chain of truth and truth-seekers extending back into prehistory, I had not known that it was so well documented and articulated in such a similar way.

Of course, I should not be surprised.  If Truth is Truth, it ought to manifest itself in very similar ways where conditions are similar.  And that is what I find here.  In fact, I've felt this once before, when reading Augustine.  At that time, I attributed it mostly to an above average translator whom I thought must have been able to make the ancient writing open to modern ears.  But now, I'm reading native English, close enough to my own dialect as to be totally intelligible in the writer's own words.  So I am forced to see what was obscured before.

In fact, the book sits so well with me that I'm finding it nearly a handbook for my place in life right now.  Things I have thought, said, done, wished for, are here presented in very nearly the exact same way more than a hundred years before.

I had previously blogged about uncanny similarities in MacDonald books.  But now I am certain that time has no meaning for those of us who live with eternity in view.  I do not doubt that Uncle George is presently aware of this very blog entry and my connection with his work.  For all I know, he may be communicating to me from his books, or we may share a spirit in some fashion.  Perhaps through the same mechanism, albeit a far more profane version of the connection between John the Baptist and Elijah.  Though this is more likely a metaphorical fancy than actual fact. Nevertheless, I shouldn't be surprised by this kind of connection amongst those who live in Christ.  Aren't we parts of one body?

Anyway, what I'm taking away from this book is uniquely mine, and too much to recount here.  But perhaps the greatest thing is that I now feel certainly confirmed in my brand of faith.  If it has existed for so long in so precisely the same fashion, I can safely put aside doubt.  I had feared it was my own personal religion built of my peculiar brand of rebellion and whimsy, well fortified with bricks of prooftext and the mortar of complex self deceptions.

Now I can safely stand out on it and believe I am not alone and not in error.  There have been, are, and will be those who are made like me, believe like me, and I am confident enough to cast my lot in with them for good or ill.

Thank you George.  And thank you God.  The former for being the instrument and the latter for being the wind that sounds it in answer to my prayers, even across the nonexistent gulfs of time and space.  When I meet you face to face, we will not in any way be meeting for the first time.

Piercing

The description of this blog is that it is real and raw and unfiltered.  It is an attempt to process things I see, think about, encounter, etc.  As such it isn't really a good read, will never be popular.  But sometimes I look back at what I wrote and can see how it was prophetic...this doesn't mean predicts the future, but illustrates what God is doing.

For instance, I haven't blogged in a while because stuff has been going on.  I cycle through nonexpressive times.  but that doesn't mean all is well or bad.  Just nothing to process in this way.  So today an idea hits me and I sit down to write it.  Before doing it I read the last entry, which I had honestly forgotten about.  Wow!  what I intended to write is the further progression of what I was writing about then.  If there's any doubt that my life is guided by an intelligence other than myself, this is it.  I didn't even remember writing it, so I obviously didn't self-fulfill.

Anyway, I get tired sometimes.  Like brain spirit tired.  I just can't go on.  I want to curl up and sink into nothing.  I'm in one of those times now.  Ironically, it's in these times of not caring so much that I can reveal deeper truths about myself.  For instance the seething hatred for those who try to motivate and seminar Christianity.  I have friends who actually do recognize what Christianity should be, but they go about trying to implement it through motivational seminars, trainings, book jacket facebook posts, etc.  One went so far as to tell the reader to "man up" which meant sign up for the seminar.  Forgive me if you ever read this my friend.  It's not personal, I know you have a good heart and are working the best you know how.  But that just bends me the wrong way.  Since when does manhood, masculinity, toughness, denial of self, or whatever else the term "man up" could mean have anything to do with signing up for some stupid presentation!  That's what Jesus did, sure.  Walked around passing out flyers and getting people to go meet him on the hillside for "two hours that will change your life"..."are you man enough to show up?"  Howl and tear my clothes, man!

Who are these people trying to reach?  Unless there's a group of self-help junkie guys who are insecure in their own manhood, who else is going to get anything real out of that?! You certainly won't get the gay 20 year old who was abused by his father and keeps posting pics of big ol' **** on his facebook page!  Or the kid sitting in his closet slicing his arms with a pocket knife...yeah they just need to "man up"!

I'm just picking on this example because it was the steel striking my flint right now.  But there are countless others.  I've heard many pastors give a great sermon about using your talents, finding what God wants you to do, only to ruin it by ending with, "that means you need to stop by the sign-up table out in the lobby and fill out an interest card."  F***in' cereal box Christians!  I want to go turn the table over like Jesus in the temple.  And if a bleeped out word from a Christian blogger throws you off, what are you gonna do with the lady who sleeps with your pastor to get closer to God!

Ironically, I had someone come very seriously to ask me if I would lead a home group for her kids since she had seen how together my son was and she couldn't think of anyone she'd rather have teaching her kids.  I must be doing something right.  Wow would she be in for a shock.  How do you let someone like that down easy?  I just had to say I'd consider it and hope a convenient excuse comes up before she asks again.  What else was I to say?  Sure, I'll lead the group.  First thing I'll tell them is the best person to teach kids is THEIR PARENTS!  Then I'd tell them to read their own Bible and question everything anyone ever tells them about it.  I'll tell them to stand on their own, that they were strong and powerful and could take down cities if God told them to.  I'd tell them to get into fights if that's what it takes to defend the defenseless.  To give up everything including life itself to meet a need laid before them.  I could keep going.  She'd run for the hills!

If my kid is any indication of my parenting, I can tell you it's by the grace of God and not my own skill.  But, just recently two kids got off his bus in the neighborhood and one swung on the other.  A fight started.  He dropped his stuff and ran back to break them up.  Jumped right in the middle.  The next day a parent came and asked who had stepped in.  My son admitted to it.  Next thing the principal of the school called him in to give him accommodation and tell everyone they need more people like him.

Which brings me to my intended point.  We have become a nation of sheep, passively walking in line, not stepping on the grass, wearing our bike helmets and getting out of the water when thunder is heard.  All great safety tips, right?  Sure if you want to manage a huge populace...make them milquetoasts, make it seem morally honorable to follow the letter of the rules.  I even saw a PSA that said kids should wear life vests and water shoes even if walking near the water...just NEAR it!  How about toughing their feet by running barefoot and learning to walk carefully, swim well enough to save not just yourself, but someone else!

Climb the trees, walk in the grass, get dirty, and do something real.  How can we expect Christians to do amazing things when we train them to be model linewalkers!  That's what God wants...good little do-bees who sign the papers, and sing, but not too loudly, wave their arms, but not really let loose.

You are what you practice being.  Are you willing to get dirty?  Do you even know what that means?  Here's a paralell: you run in the gym, maybe on the paved trail...I'm sitting here covered in bits of leaves and spiderwebs stinging from splinters and scratches.  The difference between those two is a comparison of the distance between your seminar Christianity and the real needs.  You wouldn't know what to do with the people if they started showing up!  Do you know what the Wiccan Rede is?  Ever read the Koran?  Had coffee with the lady who runs a non profit to promote sex-worker rights against "those Christian organizations" who force them from "an ancient and esteemed traditional role into menial factory jobs"?

I'm tired of not speaking out about this.  You decide who you want to be.  If you want to break the norm, you have to break the norm.  That means taking some real risks.  If you're faithful in small you'll be faithful in much.

You know, you may not ever be equipped to deal with the kind of people I've described.  That's ok.  Young upwardly mobile preppy types give me shivers, myself.  But know for every type, there are people who can meet their needs.  Just get rid of your delusions that you have the answer for everyone and stop making it harder for those who are willing and capable to go where you can't.

Real Act

I just read an article citing statistical characteristics of kids who grow up in church and don't leave it when they get older.  This is a huge phenomenon, if you don't know.  Kids grow up going to church, doing good things, then leave either quietly or not so much, or fall into problems that most Christians think they should have been insulated against such as drugs, pregnancy, atheism, etc.

This article cited three main characteristics of those that stay. 1. they have had a conversion experience. Makes sense because those who simply grow up there can talk it and walk it, but it isn't necessarily a real thing for them.  So can they truly be called Christians in the first place?  As the Supertones said, "if you say you used to be a Christian, then you never were."

2. they are equipped to deal with life and not just entertained.  Again makes sense because most contemporary protestant churches and probably many of the nonprotestant bent focus so much on drawing them in that they lose all but the merest shred of content and become nothing more than "clean" social clubs. Which apparently aren't that clean either given the ways in which so many I've known have fallen out.  There's an infamous case (which could be rumor, though I don't doubt it could well be true) where a girl got pregnant in the church I grew up in while playing a youth group game...it resulted in a ban on any games that left us out of sight for more than like 5 minutes...which interestingly enough didn't stop any of those who fell out in my day from doing so...hmmm.

3. they are taught at home.  Again makes sense.  If a family is leaving their children's spiritual education up to professionals and volunteers who see them maybe 3 hours a week...c'mon.  But even still this is not fool-proof and I know several very stable families who did everything right to no avail.

This struck me.  I don't disagree with the article.  Makes sense, right?  But still doesn't seem to hit the nail on the head.  So how many will read that article and try to engineer these traits?  The thing is, I can point to many of my own friends who have had a so-called conversion experience who now reject the faith utterly, even those who came and left it far after their teens.  I know people with advanced religious education who have done the same.  These ought to be "equipped", yeah?  And as I pointed out, even the best families can't control everything.  I've seen the controlling ones who drive kids away and the more moderate who lose them still.

I don't know the answers here.  But I do know I am one of those kids who didn't leave, and I know why.  I did hit a wall in my faith as a teen.  I shouldn't say wall...it was more like a desert.  I had the so-called conversion.  I had the equipping and the family training in the form of hours of formal discipleship and biblical training as well as the fortunate gift of logical training and reason.  But it still all just seemed pointless.  As my questions deepened and broadened, the answers I was getting were mostly insufficient because people who were teaching me didn't understand or couldn't articulate themselves.  I naturally began to explore other things after my own peculiar flavor of poison.  But in my case, God pursued me.  He broke through my reality in seen and unseen ways.  He brought notable people who would speak powerful lasers of truth into me...sometimes just one statement at a critical time.  He sent me dreams...vivid visions.  And he allowed me to break myself so that I would be receptive when he stepped in for a greater revelation.

That was when real conversion happened.  Oh yes, it happened.  But it isn't something that can be engineered in a building with lights and music and retreats.  It is a deeply personal, tragic, painful sort of conversion in which I had nothing left and was given a new hope...a new life.  This is why I say like CS Lewis, I was drug in kicking and screaming.  In reality, I was more carried in after I had passed out and given up, but I was kicking and screaming up to that point in that I would accept nothing less than reality, Truth.

A few years after this, a mentor of mine posed this question that reveals for me how I felt prior and after.  He said, "If you came to a fork in the road and Truth went one way and Jesus went the other, which way would you go?"  My answer was a resounding "Truth".  But here's the trick of the question:  I've found that every time I perceive this dichotomy, it's because I have a false conception of...Jesus.  (I bet you thought I was going to say Truth.  If so, you need to stop drinking your evangelical koolaid.)  You see, every time I went toward what I saw as Truth and left Jesus behind, I'd find a clearer, brighter, realer Jesus standing right around the bend.  I couldn't get away from the guy!  And Thank God!  Because when I was utterly undone, he brought me back.

You see, it isn't a choice.  It isn't a point of decision...though I guess that exists somewhere or for some people.  It's an acceptance of what is.  A giving up to what I couldn't change.  The point of decision for me, has come multiple times after that as I am forced to decide whether my experiences are real or if I was/am psychotic.  But when I think about it, I can't choose otherwise.  There is nihilism, the nothing of no meaning, no caring, no feeling, emptiness of unrequited existence, or there is God who has revealed himself to me in the man Jesus.  Psychotic or not, I'm not going back in the pit...probably couldn't if I tried.  He'd just pull me back out again.

So, is Calvin right?  Am I just Elect and these kids, men, women are not?  I'm not building theology, here, just asking a legitimate question.  Or are they just not at the point yet?

Really, this question isn't what we should focus on.  Rather, what are we going to do about it.  If Calvinistic, we don't know who is elected and have a duty to relieve the suffering of all anyway.  If Evangelical, they're just not ready and no amount of coercing or engineering will change that.  So I suggest we start with one thing.  Be real.

Shed the pomp and hoohah.  Cut the bright lights and fancy marketing tactics. Get off the rockstar pedestals and deeply search.  Find out what's real.  I'll help you.  Come talk to me one on one, I promise I won't pull any punches.  You'll walk away questioning things you never thought you could.  Then, once we're gates of hell, standing in the burning pyre, flayed alive sure of what we believe, we simply act.  In the moment, in the real, act.  Feed, clothe, pray, comfort, support, help, encourage, love, bleed, cry, die in proportion to the faith we each have.

This is Jesus, by the book, man.