Back off

Today I find myself feeling embarrassed for nothing really, just for being me, for being here, etc.  I guess I'm feeling tired of having to live up to people's expectations.  It's funny how even people with a reputation for bucking the system still end up confined by expectations.  Maybe it's just my own expectations.  Maybe it's all in my own head, brought on by the isolation of this life.  I spend hours without saying a word, just ghosting around people who barely notice I'm there.

The few friends who know about it are not any help.  They pretty much don't get it at all and can't figure out why I don't fit their expectations of how I should be reacting in this situation, or how they think they'd react, or whatever.  To be fair, some people are true.  Those people I value.  If you think you're one of them, you're probably wrong and if you aren't sure, then it might be you.  But while I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm not ok right now.  So this is my time to get sorted.  So you're just going to have to deal with it.

I suppose I could break out of this funk.  I could push myself into other dynamics.  But I don't really want to.  I would love to see the people I care about here, but they are far far away, far enough that it's not much different than when I lived in the US.

I'm disappointed with this experience, with myself, with what I'm learning about myself, etc.  The one thing I want to do is just not think, not pretend, just be whatever I am at the moment I want space to be that and I'm going to freaking take it.  So everyone should just butt out.  I'm giving myself permission to feel angry and sad and lonely and disappointed and hurt and to be quiet and to hate small talk and talking on the phone and one-sided friendships and F&'(##$% Skype.

I'm going to simply react and be for awhile.  So fair-warning, if this bothers you or hurts you in some way, just stay away from me.  I'm ceasing to strive in any way.  I am what I am good and bad and in between and I'm not pretending or apologizing for it.  So stop expecting things.