At the Eye

It's amazing how much can swirl around us. Thoughts, emotions, ideas. Most seem pretty much meaningless. I'm hoping there's a point in here somewhere, so let's see if it comes out.

Earthquakes and Tsunamis wracking Japan. Nuclear meltdown threat. Japanophiles everywhere rushing to make websites and raise money and go help. These are all pretty meaningless acts in themselves. We don't even know the extent of the damage yet. Going there is the last thing a disaster wracked county needs...hundreds of half-illiterate, barely-communicative foreign crash-tourists streaming in with no place to stay while you are trying to get streets cleared, restore power, prevent nuclear devastation, find dead and dying, and restore some semblance of normal life. Plus, it isn't like it's an impoverished nation. Not only is Japan's emergency management I dare say better than the US, they have the help of the US and every major relief organization in the world as well. Bad, yes. Sad, yes. So pray, find out about your friends and family, and don't be stupid.

There was a time when I longed for the destruction of everything. I wanted to see all the wrongs set right, the rebirth. I didn't care about the suffering or pain that might cause. I think that comes from being in a deadened state myself. Now I see the fear and pain that such destruction brings and it hurts me. Now that I would not see that sort of end to things, I have a feeling I am going to see more and more of it. I'm not making predictions about the Second Coming, just saying that I have always been drawn to apocalypse and have felt that I may live to see one. Whether this is The Apocalypse or merely the demise of a culture, I don't know. But regardless of my feelings about it, there is nothing for it but to walk it out. I trust beyond myself.

I have recently encountered a situation where I am learning to love someone through a very (for me) unlovable situation. It challenges me at every state, but I won't let it go until I am told to do so. If there is hope of seeing God's truth dawn on this soul, I am willing to do what I am given to do. This person sees on such a small level, and thinks everything fits that neat little package. What he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is so much more complex in many ways and so much simpler in others. It is a challenge for me to stay true to my beliefs without crushing those tender shoots of truth through my heavy-handedness, and without being influenced into something I do not believe.

At work, things continue to swirl, as change without hope of improvement continues. I have often said that it is a pessimizing business I am in. Being aware of legitimate information about the state of our society, being charged with helping to change it for the better, and constantly being suspected of some uncouthness from both sides. I found out today that yet again, I was cut out of a dealing which is entirely within my realm of responsibility. And I was cut out intentionally by my immediate supervisor. I will bring it up with him, even though he hates confrontation. I cannot abide being patronized or muffled. Trust me to do my job or tell me openly not to. Don't try to sneak around me and then tell me to continue doing the 'great job' I am doing while you subvert what I am working for. Every other country I have contact with seems to be doing a better job at what I do than this one. In those places, what I do is respected and brought to the table, if not prioritized. Here I fight on both sides. What's worst about this is that it forces me to operate on my own. I cannot discuss and cooperate because no one in my loop wants to hear it. The best I can do is commiserate with the few others in my boat.

Pollen is swirling again. I didn't have such reactions to it just a few years ago. Now it's worse. Here it's worse. Doctors say it's normal for those things to change over time, and usually for the worse before they get better. But I am healthier than ever and have trouble accepting this. I suspect pollution from industrial chemicals and air pollution have either irritated me (and countless others) to the point that we can't tolerate this minor natural irritant, or that the irritant itself has become more potent as a result of contact with these toxic compounds ala Nausiccaa. I bounce through phases during this season of just resorting to medicine every day, and then fearing side effects (or actually having them) or philosophically hating the concept of daily medication. It twists me up until at last the season is over. Thankfully so far we've had some rain which helps. Hopefully this mercy will continue.

In weaker moments I have issues with dissipation. I am a sheepdog. When I connect on a real level, I can't let it go without much suffering. Which is why I rarely allow myself to connect like that. Yet I have watched so many people just walk away from what I thought was real and valuable. Not that all cases are people walking away from Good, some are clearly a walking toward Good for that person...I guess I just feel left out. Like I have just run over to a friend's house to share the new toy we had talked about so often just in time to see him run away to play with other friends and I'm not invited. Honestly, I wouldn't go even if asked because those friends share something I not a part of. I would simply be the tag along. But this is a feeling I've felt most of my life at various points. I wish at least sometimes, someone would run over to my house. Choose to play with me this time. Unless I organize it, I rarely ever see any friends.

But I can see the calm center in this storm of circumstances. I rely too much on circumstances. This is the problem. I am being taught to place my whole hope and trust in the one eternal thing. The one thing which meets all needs. The one thing which so thankfully is not a what but a who. It's a bittersweet process. All emotions rolled together into a tumult with a calm center like a cyclone. Desire truly is the root of all suffering...but that doesn't mean we should stop desiring altogether. Desire simply needs to be for the right things. The eternal things that do not disappoint.

Yet I am often lonely and sorrowful. Brother Lawrence says that I can find mystical joy if I focus entirely on what pleases the object of my desire. I am not even to try too hard for this, but to relax in my ineptitude and allow God who can fulfill all needs to do so in me. I must trust that my pitiful and whiny struggles are my portion of the sufferings of Christ. All will be well. In complete surrender is freedom. In losing myself, I find myself. God I adore you.

Recovery

I have a suspicion that sin takes a while to purge. Or rather that it takes a while for us to heal from the effects of certain sins.

Of course many people don't even recognize sin. They don't understand the word. I don't want to go into a big treatise on the definition and philosophy of the concept, so suffice to say that it is wrongness. Acts of wrongness and just wrongness in general. If that doesn't work for you, then I refer you to the tomes on the subject. I will assume going forward that you know what it is and accept that it exists.

So when I commit certain sins to which I am prone, I have noticed lingering effects. Even though I believe that the price for those sins has been paid and that I am forgiven, even though I have repented to the best of my ability...which is really nil.

...ok I have to sidebar here a little...I don't believe that we have anything to do with the forgiveness of our sins. I know that, "if we confess our sins he ...will forgive us and cleanse us..." But I don't think this establishes a sort of spiritual transaction in which God's graces are contingent upon our behavior like many people believe. This is simply a new face on the Jewish law and the substance of most popular religion world wide. It's Karma in a broad sense. If this were true how could anyone ever come to God? We are separated before we know otherwise. If he didn't reach to us first, there would be no connection. Plus he has forgiven us, "while we were yet sinners" and there is "therefore no condemnation." The references go on and on. Suffice to say, we are forgiven period. Everyone is. It's our own rebelliousness that forces the charges to be held to our own account. The door to hell is locked form the inside. End sidebar.

Even though I know the forgiveness, and am learning not to interpret my own self-condemnation as God's wrath, beyond that, there are certain discreet factors which noticeably improve in the area surrounding the sins (and no I'm not going to say what they are) the further away from it I get. The longer I go without falling to it again, I notice those affected areas improving.

I suspect it might have something to do with the residuals of the sin itself. Since sin is a negation of what should be, it may have a sort of cancerous effect on the spirit. It's a subtle thing, as with most truths...but there may be something to this.