Unspeakable

Sometimes I have nothing to say.  I go through cycles.  But for once I have tons of things to say and can't find words for them.

Suffice to say, the life God has for me is opening up and it is overwhelmingly more than what I would dream of.  I mean this in very literal ways.  This is why it is hard to put into words in a general context.  There is nothing general about it and I can't possibly explain the intimate and complex details that surround it.

Perhaps the Via Negativa would help.  So I will say what it is not.  It is not in my head.  It is not philosophical, affecting no real change in the material world.  It is not tied to the institutions we call church...

...Here is what I would say and the ones about whom it is written can understand it for themselves.  You are beautiful. You are so loved.  God has seen you.  He has not even once forgotten you.  I don't know the reasons for the circumstances in your life.  I am just a Sheep Dog who barely understands the Shepherd's language.  But I see what he has done for you.  I see how the universe has been ordered for your specific good.  I see you as he sees you.  You are stunning and powerful beyond compare.  My love for you is not rooted in pity nor charity, nor brotherly affection.  It is as beyond me as every good thing I have ever done.  To be near you, to guard, aid, serve, you is an honor and a pleasure.  I am elated that you would call me friend.  You have only to make a need known and I will be about meeting it with whatever is within my power.  I don't even know what that is.  But I have been charged with doing it and the resources and methods will be provided.  This is not an idle promise, as I hope you now see.  All that has been given to me is from God and for his purposes.  I hold it lightly and in common with you.

And I truly enjoy your company, your humor, your presence.  I want to be around you because I like you.  It is good for me too.  I am better for having known you.  In one sense, because doing what we are made for is fulfilling, but more so because you inspire me, comfort me, encourage me even if you don't know it.

In short, I love you.  And while nothing I can say will prove it or guarantee any moment into the future, it is true as true and every moment that I am there demonstrates it to be so.

This is the life we were called to live.  This tribal, close, familial life.  Thank you for having me into yours.  Together things will only get better.  I know it because God has shown me the ending.  Let's walk toward it together.

Down and Down

This rabbit hole seems unending.  It's very difficult to right oneself when everything is moving.  As soon as I seem to become oriented, I realize that I haven't actually hit the bottom yet.  Perhaps it only feels that I've righted because everything around me is falling at the same rate for a bit.  But pretty soon it all lists oddly in the air and disorientation ensues.

I have long believed that we could only find what we need in God.  I have even come to know it through many circumstances that have forced me to rely only on Him alone.  He's even shown me that He will not only keep his word to provide, but does so quite literally "exceedingly, abundantly more" than I could, would, or even ask.  I have even begun to live in this confidence in a real way.

But no sooner do I realize I have progressed than a chair tilts and the rug flutters and the whole room disengages in the freefall.  I guess I should just stop arranging the furniture.

But that's just it: I don't intend to arrange anything.  I just find a chair nearby and decide to pull it under me because falling is tiring.  And then a glass of water floats by and I'm kind of thirsty.  But then a table floats up and I conveniently place the glass on it, snatch the lamp from the air for some better lighting, and before you know it, there's another falling room.

Even though I've been learning all these things I recently realized there was yet another level to it all and I was finding validation in something other than God.  It was innocent enough but sinuous and sneaky nonetheless.  You see, in doing the things God has for me to do, I become first agitated and then irritated and approaching angry when people don't allow it.  Not because I want what I want, but because I see how this or that person could so benefit but won't.  It's like delivering a really great present to someone from a rich relative.  I know what's in the box and know how perfect it is for them.  I've even got a similar one from this same relative.  But they won't open it.  I tell them how great it is and they still just sit it in the corner.  So I tell them what's in it and they smile and ohh about it, but say they'll get to it.  And this can go on far more than you would imagine.  It would be easier if they openly rejected it, but to keep piling up unopened presents is pert near insane to me.

So I go back to God confused and uncertain.  Did I screw up?  Did I miss something?  And that's when I realized recently that I am finding validation in helping others, even anonymously.  I am hinging my joy on other's actions...on their acceptance of these gifts...on their good.  Rather, I should be secure and stable enough in God's dealings with me that others' actions, even actions toward God, do not create anxiety in me.  And there goes the room again.

I have to come to fully trust God to meet their needs as he meets mine.  My eagerness for their good, my sadness at their pain is not to go away, but to be absorbed in God's full provision for us all.  And this is something I truly do not know how to do.  I can't even imagine how I could be content having the power to ease loved ones' burdens and not being allowed to do so.  Which means I will as usual, have to totally rely on God to do it.