Animal

I feel like a wild animal. This bears explanation because most people probably think something other than what I mean by the phrase. Wild animals are cautious and wary. But they are also calm and calculating. They alertly size up any situation and react in predictable ways.

The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.

But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.

I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.

Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.

I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.

Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.

This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.

Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.

This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.

Is this new?

After my recent cycle into darkness, I am starting to feel better.  Not 100%, but better.  I'm still working out some things about causes, triggers, etc.  No major metanoia either though.

But I did have one realization as the light started to dawn in my world again.  I've been faking things pretty darn well.  I actually do it a lot.  It probably started as a survival mechanism somewhere.  But I remember coming to a point years ago where I had to let things out.  It helped me stay out of the dark.  But I developed a reputation for being really angry.  I kept my head pretty well, but I would verbally rail about things that upset me and there were lots of them.

Overtime, I had thought I'd gotten rid of that. Calmed down.  But recently I've found that same part of me still there, still as angry.  It hadn't come back.  It just never left.  I guess I'd been repressing it.

Actually, I hate being angry.  It's really just a sort of snarling out of fear and frustration.  See, it all comes back to cages.  I hate being pent up.  I don't know why.  I'm not claustrophobic or anything, it's more an internal sort of thing.  When I'm being boxed in, given a situation where there's no way out, I start to get like any intelligent animal in a cage gets.  They either get mean, go crazy, or give up.  And mean is the most conducive to survival.  Crazy just means they've won, and giving up feels worse than anything.  That's where the demons are.  So anger it is.

But anyway, my point is that I had become pretty good at faking the right attitude.  Even in my spiritual life, I know what a mature Christian should exhibit, and I can put that on.  I can also pull off just the right mix of humility and power to make people think I'm pretty darn holy.  I even learned to mix in a good deal of truth with it such that I flat out tell people I'm bad, but do it in a way that they don't believe me.  I'm serious about this.  I know how to pause, tone my voice, phrase my words and make what I want to say seem wise or mysterious or even beyond my years.  I even fooled myself into believing it.  Seriously.  That's what I've just learned.  I haven't really grown much at all.

Now in some ways I have, sure.  I could go into those but that would make this over-long.  But in this deep root area, I have not changed much at all.  The fruits of the spirit are just not there.  I know how to make them look like they're there, but that's not the same thing.  It's not.  What's real is the natural outpouring of the heart when we're not trying.

What's been coming out of me lately means I'm either possessed or have just opened up a dark corner of my internal house and found it has been rotting in there for a long time.  I don't want to go into what made me realize this, but suffice to say you'll probably imagine it worse than it was outwardly, but if I told you, you'd imagine it far less than it was inwardly.  So I won't say.

But this made me think of how that could happen.  How could I pursue virtue and good character and not find even a little of it?  I think it's because I'm pursuing the wrong thing.  You see, any time we Christians lay an expectation on another, we force them, be it insidiously slight or brashly overt, to ACT like we tell them they should.  It's all about the DIY.  Fruits are love, joy, peace, patience... So I'll just be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient.  I won't be perfect, but heck, we're all sinners saved by grace, right?  It's the try that counts and the more we try, the more we actually become.  Fake it till you make it!

This is wrong.  God wants us not to love him from obligation or expectation.  He wants us to genuinely love him.  He'd rather us reject him than pretend.  This is the only explanation that makes sense.  So if I'm doing something good that my heart's not into, I might as well not do it.  Better to be bad and honest than good and a liar because the first leads to real life, while the other leads to white-washed tombs.

So this part isn't new.  I've blogged about it before.  But what is new is the realization that I am one of the tombs.  If it took a trip to hell to open my eyes to that, then I thank God for it.  I've got to quit this, but I can't.  So I have to re-learn it all from this perspective.  He does the work.  I just grow however he grows me; I can't, sow, hoe, water, and prune myself.

So if you think I've fallen off the deep end, you were just one of those I duped.  Please don't try to draw me back in.  It's hard to stay honest in this.  And I'm faking it enough already in writing this so cleanly.