"But a false sense of power, a sense which had no root and was merely vibrated into me from the strength of the horse, had, alas, rendered me too stupid to listen to anything he said."
The quote above is from Lilith, by George MacDonald. In this scene, Mr. Vane has been defeated and tricked by Lilith, and Mr. Raven is taking him to his house from which he fled in the first place. Mr. Raven summons his horse, which is dark and spectral yet powerful beyond knowing to ease the journey of the weary Vane to his house where he must sleep. Vane and the horse instantly bond and once on his back, Mr. Vane decides to leave Mr. Raven against his advice. Raven cautions it will be to ruin again. And then this quote.
The book in general is already one of my favorites ever and I haven't even finished it yet. It has been speaking to me in so many ways. But this line struck me today.
In this blog, I have recorded mere months ago the sense of triumph and power that I had been feeling. While I had known it was from God, and not of myself, I, like Vane, couldn't help feeling as if it was mine. When in fact it was only borrowed...no, not even that much possession. The power was no more mine than is the strength and stamina of a powerful horse on which a man happens to sit.
Even then, in my deep heart I knew it would not last. But how my vanity has cost me. What damage I may have wrought in myself, my family, and those I love. Feeling emboldened like never before I took actions and harboured feelings of authority that were not mine.
To the casual reader, this will seem different than it is. I don't mean that I did any overtly egregious thing. In fact, like Mr. Vane, my intentions were all honorable and above board. I would fix what was wrong where my influence fell and would use this power to do so. I didn't even "fall from grace" in the sense that we use it for leaders who make a public mistake. No, it is far subtler. Far more difficult to see, and therefore all the more damaging. Like the loose screw in the engine that is so easily overlooked and yet once failed, will bring down the entire machine.
And yet in this realization, I am not even crushed. Repentant, yes, falling on the grace which saved me, and intent to be better and to learn, but resting in the knowledge that it is ok. My failing has not one bit thwarted the will and plans of my God. He will right all wrongs and preserve His children from undue harm.
Perhaps I am also McDonald's stupid philanthropist who would use the grace given me to spare those within my influence from the very thing most needful: that which would be the vehicle of their healing.
All traces of my vanity must die.
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