Judas

I've heard many people talk about Judas in different ways.  His name is synonymous with betrayal, even outside of Christian circles. Teachings on him range across the spectrum. But most tend toward decidedly negative.

Here's the thing that doesn't make sense to me though.  God chose him.  It couldn't be otherwise, and Jesus actually says that.  He also says that he was doomed for destruction.  He says it would be better for him not to have been born.  Really!  This is Jesus talking.  The guy who picked up the adulterer and turned away the people who would kill her for her faults.  The friend of drunkards and traitors.  Now he's saying this guy is less than dust?  Doomed by God to the worst fate of any human ever?


OK.  So some people reason around that by saying it was Judas' free will.  He could have chosen otherwise.  So what we're seeing in Jesus' statements is his foreknowledge.  But Judas could have chosen another path, and didn't.  So he's up the creek on his own account.

But then, what about forgiveness.  Just like the adulterer.  Am I to believe that one particular act could so define my eternal existence that I could be the most pitied soul in the universe?  What kind of pressure is that?  Good God, there's no hope for me, then!  Sure, I've never had the opportunity to turn God Incarnate over to a tortuous death...but I would have!  I've mocked. I've turned away.  I've outright refused him as much to his face as I can get in this world.  Yet I know in my deep places the feeling of peace and forgiveness I receive from God.  Why doesn't Judas get the same from the unchanging God?

No, I would argue that he does.  I don't know Judas.  I could speculate on his personality and motives.  Many have.  But that's all pure fiction.  We don't know.  He could have been a misguided zealot, an addict who couldn't control himself, or Satan's own henchman.  None of which would entirely be his own fault, and thereby giving God some responsibility for his creation with whatever neuro-chemical damage he may have had.  I don't know.  But the only way I can make sense of it is to remember that God is love.  Jesus exemplifies forgiveness.  Whatever the reason, Judas played a pivotal role in history and one that none of us in our right minds would want.  (Sure if you don't believe Jesus was who he claimed to be, you might think differently, but we're not redefining the story here.  We're taking it as it is presented.  So if you're one of those people, pretend you aren't for a second and stay with my thinking long enough to get my point.)  So I don't think Jesus is condemning him.  I think he's pitying him.

Nothing fits these facts better than the model of a father, which conveniently, pervades the Bible.  No good father wants his children to experience pain, to be sick, etc.  But some kids are not well.  Some make terrible choices that impact themselves and others.  Some are given hard fates that must be dealt with.  But through it all, a father wants to protect and heal his children.  Even through grievous self-chosen wrong.  What father wouldn't put his kid through rehab to get him clean?  Even as he screams and cries for more of the poison.  Or worse, who wouldn't bash his kid over the head if he was caught in the act of a rape?  You'd still love and pity that kid, want to get them help, but that hurt needs to happen.  If you think you'd just disown them, that's still proves my point.  Sometimes the pain is so great you have to turn away and leave the kid to their own mess for a while.

So it's clear to me that Judas is not to be envied.  But he stands to me as the epitomy of what our faith is about.  And I would not be in the least surprised to find he has a very special and protected place in deep in the bosom of God where he can heal and be free of unwarranted pain.  If this is not so, then like Paul, I say we Christians are to be pitied above all men.

Safe

I want to say something very serious...well I'm usually serious, so more serious than usual.  This post is for anyone who finds it and needs it.  I want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you.  I will always be a safe place for you.

I am like you.  I know depression.  I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists.  I have carved my pain in my arms and chest.  I know about the masks.  I know about good days and bad.  I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night.  I know the hollowness.  I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners.  I know the desire to simply cease being.

I know trances and psychic attack.  I know the evil that can make you forget your own name.  I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.

I know rage.  I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy.  I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.

I know rejection.  I know false acceptance.  I know the taunts and insults.  I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care.  I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound.  It just tells us how strange we are.

So if you understand this.  If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night.  Know that I am here and you are there.  And you are not alone.  Look at my picture.  Read my words.  Do I not seem like someone who knows?

You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me.  And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can.  This is my promise.  Test me and see if I don't mean it.  I don't come with programs and easy answers.  But I come.  I am the living dead, sent for the dead living.  I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.

I am Cavvvp.  I am real.  And I am here.

Cloud

It's been a while since I posted and there's a reason for that.  A lot has happened.  I got busy with local non-profit stuff I do and on the way back from one of the events someone ran a red light and smashed my truck.  They hit right behind the driver door at about 50kph.  My truck spun out and stopped against a curb.  The lady dropped her phone an reached for it.  When she sat back up, WHAM!  she had two kids in the car and if she'd hit a fraction of a second earlier, she could have killed me and definitely would have injured me worse.  SO PUT THE FREAKIN' PHONE DOWN AND DRIVE RIGHT!

I walked out, but had a few bruises and some muscle strain in my neck and shoulder.  All in all, not a bad accident, thank God.

This all just after we made the decision to buy my wife a new car because hers was on the way out.  We hate to have a car payment, but we got a good deal and made the leap, then this.

See, they don't make my truck any more and certainly not driven so little.  With another car payment, I really didn't want to make two right now, so a new truck was out.  I did manage to get another truck, but it took some searching.  Prices have gone up and with so many major American companies ceasing to make small pickups, the used market is really hot for them.  It is a couple years newer, but has been driven more and is a bit more worn on the body.  But it's also better on gas and, being a Toyota, would be superior to an equal Ford (what I had before).  So vehicle is different, but a wash in the end.  Insurance covered basically the whole purchase, so I can't really complain, as long as this one turns out to be as reliable as my old one.  I haven't had it long enough to trust it fully.


But as you know, this blog is about contemplation, and that's what I do.  So I'm always looking for the greater lesson.  Certainly, I think there's something in that I may have been tacitly trusting in my station in life more than God himself.  I was sitting pretty well with no long term bills, a good job, plenty of disposable income (which we gave a good deal of to charity).  Amazing how fast that can disappear.  While nothing major happened in the end, it was enough to wake me up to this.

Secondly, I was thrown up against a bit of Job-like feeling.  I didn't do anything to deserve the wreck.  In fact I was doing more things right than many.  But apparently, that doesn't matter.  I know this logically, but for all of you who want to speak chiding platitudes to me, I reply, just let me come plow your classic car to bits and almost kill you in the process and let's see how you feel about it.  Your pat answers just make me angry.  I mean, I took care of that car and paid it off and was set to run it for the rest of my life, or nearly.  That was yanked right out from under me through someone else's negligence.  I think I have a right to process some emotions over it, even if they aren't entirely logical.

Add to that the deepest thing which will prevent this entry from being widely distributed.  Namely, that I sit too close to the edge of depression anyway.  If you are one of these people then you know what I mean.  If not, then thank God and either try to understand something you know nothing about, or just stop reading now, because you won't get this easily.  You see, this mental state doesn't go away.  If we are functional, it's through a series of coping strategies and masks...yeah, masks, we put on.  Because people don't get it.  They don't know what's it's like to have this darkness hovering just behind your eyes like a cloud.  Sure we joke about it and make cute donkeys or funny robots to parody it, but the reality is not amusing.  Imagine looking at any scenario and immediately seeing the worst cases, running them to conclusion, and then having to hunt for the good options if you can even see them.  Imagine that any joy or fun is constantly tainted by the shadow of the cloud behind your eyes and imagine having to worry if too much of that slips out and gives away too much of your inner struggles.

Our culture wants us to be happy and level.  Anything below the line is not accepted.  Try getting a job, being trusted with children, or even keeping friends that are good for you.  Of course different people react differently to it.  It isn't all just weepy, can't get out of bed stuff.  Some of us cope using anger and near rage.  The Linkin Park song describes it well.  That face on the inside never goes away, taunting, staring, laughing.  Some get destructive of self or other things.  And it doesn't take much to knock us over that slippery edge.

So for someone like me, these events carry a greater challenge to grasp for life at something that can hold me out from under that cloud.  I can feel it slipping when another idiot cuts me off in traffic and I have a near PSTD moment (not to belittle the true sufferers of this condition, but only to allude to it since it gets better press) with sweaty palms, racing heart, and raging temper.  Or when the neighbor plays his stereo too loud and I'm feeling my blood pressure rise with every vibration of the base.

I know I will get better.  I'm learning to deal with these things more quickly.  And there must be a reason for God taking me down this road.  I'm trying my best to trust him.  He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble.  But if I slip up and complain a bit too much or seem more agitated than usual, cut me some slack, ok?  And keep your worn-out platitudes to yourself.  They don't help.  If you don't know what might be a platitude, it's anything you've ever heard more than one person say about a similar situation.  No matter how well-meaning you are, it is going to come off shallow and dismissive.  So just back off.  And if I offend you, I'm sorry.  But you offended me first.