Overflowing

I have been pretty silent here lately.  On the internet in general.  I have seasons here as in everything else.  But I have not stopped contemplating.  Most recently, I had this rolling through my head:

My heart is overflowing with a good theme

     I recite my composition, concerning the King.

My tongue is like the pen of a ready writer.

It's from Psalm 45, but was used in a song by Dominic Balli, and his particular rhythm to it is what I keep singing.  It's called Warrior and is essentially a series of quotes form the Bible about God as a strong force for justice and rescue.  

The video for this song is also one of the best I've ever seen.  The kind that conveys a whole story in the 3 or so minutes of the song.  It's visual poetry.  The video interprets the song into three stories of troubled people needing rescue, a bulimic, a cutter, and an alcoholic.  As the song rises in intensity, the stories reach a climax.  Then the song returns to its original contemplative mood and pans over in the last second to show the three restored people next to the singer.  a perfect resolution to a song and video with so much going on.

As someone who knows first-hand the feelings that lead to these actions, this is especially powerful.  I was a cutter.

SIDEBAR: Like many things, this label can be applied by one on the inside, but not by one on the outside.  To call someone a cutter is to brand them (no pun intended) with a syndrome that further accentuates the underlying issues for the person.  If you aren't one, don't call someone else one.  We're just people with a bad habit and a deep pain.  Same goes for any similar issue.  We don't go around calling people Allergics or Fatties, so be cognizant.  No one wants to be branded with their worst trait, especially if it can't be helped.  And this can't be helped.  If you don't get that, just stop reading now because there is nothing in this post for you but what will make you stumble.

Because of my particular constitution (in the old sense, i.e. my make-up) images of God in this aspect resonate very deeply.  I know more than most my inability and my need.  I know what it is to have a real redemptive, restorative experience.  To really become aware of this universe-wide power beyond comprehension makes me fear in the Sartre sense.  It is too big, too uncontrolled, too unstoppable.  But then to experience this power bend low and flood over me an equally big unconditional love is truly changing...as Isaiah says, it "undoes" me.

The reaction to that is such a deep overflowing love for anyone or anything I see in the same state I was.  I need only a glimpse and the dam of my heart breaks open.  Unfortunately, I can't often let out what is there.  I haven't learned how to let it pour out in a good way.  I know some understand what I mean and even have recognized it in me.  I think we share a mutual overflowing toward each other.

My dream is for a safe place for people like me, like us, to be who we are.  To be able to freely and goodly express what we feel to mutual restoration and benefit.  God show me the way to do this.  And until then, at least, may my sphere of influence be known as this kind.

Safe

I want to say something very serious...well I'm usually serious, so more serious than usual.  This post is for anyone who finds it and needs it.  I want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you.  I will always be a safe place for you.

I am like you.  I know depression.  I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists.  I have carved my pain in my arms and chest.  I know about the masks.  I know about good days and bad.  I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night.  I know the hollowness.  I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners.  I know the desire to simply cease being.

I know trances and psychic attack.  I know the evil that can make you forget your own name.  I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.

I know rage.  I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy.  I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.

I know rejection.  I know false acceptance.  I know the taunts and insults.  I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care.  I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound.  It just tells us how strange we are.

So if you understand this.  If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night.  Know that I am here and you are there.  And you are not alone.  Look at my picture.  Read my words.  Do I not seem like someone who knows?

You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me.  And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can.  This is my promise.  Test me and see if I don't mean it.  I don't come with programs and easy answers.  But I come.  I am the living dead, sent for the dead living.  I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.

I am Cavvvp.  I am real.  And I am here.