Weather mood

Ok, so this blog gets a lot of dark or negative posts. But that's ok. That's a big part of me, and this blog is a way to process thoughts and feelings. So it's ok.

Right now, I've been trying hard to not bury the things that have come to the surface in me. I am hoping to let them heal while I have the chance. That's when I realized how much external circumstances affect my mood. Part if if thinks it shouldn't be that way, but then it seems perfectly natural for anyone connected to the world around them. So maybe the aversion is just some form of social expectation perhaps filtered through my conservative show no flaws upbringing. So as I said in the last post, I'm giving myself permission to just react and feel.

I live in a place with the worst weather I've ever experienced. We haven't had a fully sunny day since I got here 5 months ago, and for the last three it's been cold and drizzly all the time. There's not so much rock around here, but a good deal of clay, so whatever is paved is covered in a black or green slick and what isn't is a slime of sticky mud.  To make matters worse, the place is not well adapted to it, so buildings are cold and heated by stoves that create exceedingly dry indoor conditions. Then the walls are thin and paper, so you have to close the doors and hang plastic to keep any kind if heat in.

So life is a dark suffocatingly dry existence in a fluroescent lit paper box with no outside viewpunctuated by trips through a hallway a coulpe degrees above freezing. Or trips outside in sleety drizzle and mud.

It's not cold enough to outright snow, so it's just sodden gray. Hard to do anything outside or inside. I really hate it. My mood suffers with it and I find my spirits suddenly lift and literally get excitied when the sun peeks out. But around here it is either about to rain or just did. So in literal minutes the sun will be completely blanketed in a low gray sky again, and the chill penetrates into my soul again.

I check the extended forecast daily and can't wait for warm up, and hopefully some sun. I also count the days until I can leave here.

God, I hope I can make it through this. I have not hated a place like this in my entire life...except maybe high school, but at least then, my bright life-giving friend was always accessible just outside when I could sneak out to find him. Then maybe the winter vacations my family took as a kid where we'd sit for hours rocking along dirt roads through the southewst US trapped in a trick with my family that all got along. (The only thing we agreed on was that I was the black sheep.) Only to jump out in the cold, which I was perpetually underdressed for 10 minutes at a time before moving on. But even that was just a week or two and the sun came out sometimes.