Attack?

I have heard of parasitic personalities. I'm sure they exist. I've known some. But lately, I've really felt like I'm being attacked, which is different. Just seems like things keep seeping into my brain and life from strange places. Is it attack? Is it intentional from a person, or am I stepping into new unlit territory? That of course would increase pressure from negative spiritual forces to stop the incursion. Am I walking on my own and need to retreat, or do I need to press forward until it abates?

I feel like Ransom's friend approaching Ransom's house in Perelandra. Will the edilla terrorism attacks stop if I continue, or not. Am I Israel under Joshua's prime, or close to his death? In his prime, the nation was unstoppable. Near his death they were unable to defeat their enemies. Later on, God said it was a test to see if they would hold firm or look for ways out. So is that my situation?

It is here that I am reminded why I left those marshy places where moving is slow and muddy, standing still is to sink further, and all around is fetid and stinking decay of once vibrant organic ideas mushed and shapeless now as it mixes into a synthesized goo that resembles bits and pieces of the original, but has become something else altogether.

While rigid adherence to orthodoxy has its perils, it is also the lifeline through these marshes. The solid ground that allows a foothold. Venture off that narrow path at your own peril.

Tumult

It's been a weird few weeks. I've had highs and lows and blahs all mixed up rolling one after the other and back again. I'll be glad when it settles down.

I'm not even sure where to start, but feel like writing might help process it. So this will be one of those entries. The kind that get a title right before I post it.

I had started a few days ago to write about somethings, so I'll start with that. I had blogged about a particular person I know here. I saw her again a few times recently when from a distance or out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a fabulously attractive woman that looked a bit familiar. She was so attractive that I took a second look, but upon doing so, I found it was her...plain and simple in her normal subdued type of beauty. I don't know why this happens with her, but I'm glad I get to see it.

Then I have been wrestling with other issues surrounding another friend and some ideas of his. It's too much to recount here and I'm not even sure yet what to say about it because I haven't settled it entirely in my own head.

Then there is church, which I had severed with in a nicely amicable way a few months ago. immediately following I had a surge of freedom and several amazing experiences that could not have been of my own making...the most important of which resulted in receiving a God-daughter. This is no small event for me because first of all, I did not set out to do anything of the kind. My heart was quite truthfully imprinted with this child. It feels quite awkward and even a bit embarrassing really, to say that. But I know it was God's doing. Too many clear signs accompanied it to be anything else. But then in order to help cement that new relationship with her family and with her, I went back to my role as a children's minister. The very day I returned she told me she had gotten special permission to advance to another class. I can't fault her. She's quite mature for her age...but there went my plan. Which is probably the real problem anyway. I've got to quit planning.

So now I'm stuck in there and committed to a term. Everyone there wants me to stay on, my wife wants my to quit, and I haven't given indication about it yet because I don't know. On the one hand is the surity I had after finally stepping away from the institution. On the other is the enjoyment of working with the kids and the special joys from a certain few.

Just this Sunday, a child I hadn't seen in a while was back and she (it's always girls) latched onto me...literally. I had to keep peeling her off to do other things, but finally had a moment to sit with her. I was surrounded by kids as usual, but she slunk into my lap and settled in as comfortable as a puppy...you know how they can so completely drop their weight onto you...that's what she did. I looked at her face and saw that she was thoroughly soaking something in. She said she wasn't tired. She apparently just needed the contact.

So what do I do with that? Is it a matter of sacrifice that I stay, or that I go? I don't know! With my God-daughter, the relationship has continued to grow through other things and then out of the blue one morning her mother just opened up and flooded out more personal information than I have ever heard from her. I was a bit shocked, but very happy because she seemed to be comfortable with us. I don't know where that will go, but I am constantly afraid of coming off like a freak (too late, I know) or of doing the wrong thing.

I recently moved my Parkour training from the conditioning phase to actual practice. It's been really good for me. It's such a meditative thing for me. But as soon as I started, I've been off my training for a while because of a minor injury, which turns out to be nothing. But I think I need that to help clear my head and focus.

There's more, but I don't feel like writing it. Maybe this is just a silent period.