This has been coming at me from so many angles lately and drumming through my mind. It is true on many levels and I don't even know how to describe it.
I was under a spell...illusioned...taken in by a ploy. The ploy told me that I didn't have all that I need. Not all I needed. It sounded very much like something I would acknowledge and believe, hence the deception. But this often happens that when I am oppressed by something...in this case the awareness of my own finality and vileness...a message is sent to me that will not desist.
I am a new creation. Jesus restored me and has given me life "to the fullest." There is no longer an condemnation for me. While I knew all of this on a different level, now it hits home in a deeper way which many will not understand because they are not inside me.
I was eating a poisoned apple. 99% true with one bit of lie. But any poison makes the apple unfit. And one bad one spoils the bunch, to extend the metaphor. So I was there believing some very true things: I am sinful. I am willfully so. I do not properly regard or react to the grace and gifts given to me. I am naturally depressive. I do have trouble understanding reality. I am angry often. But that's not all I am. This is how I look from the eyes of this world. But the new me, the one that is alive in Jesus' life is whole and perfected and has the entire universe of God's power at my disposal.
Jesus did not come to leave me unprepared. Orphaned again. Left to my own devices. He fixed it. He fixed everything. So I can believe that or I can believe that he did not. That his power is not enough for me.
I needed to hear this from the right places, enough times that it sunk in. I am unstoppable. I have the rest that I seek. I have the joy. It is all right here. There is nothing I lack, nor will there ever be.
I was like the dwarfs at the end of Narnia who refuse to see the provision around them...not for the same reasons as they, but the effect was the same. I could not see nor experience the goodness and the completion because i was too focused on something that is dead and has passed away.
I have all I need.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Punched
I saw the movie Sucker Punch last night. It wasn't great, but it was powerful in its way. Many aspects resonated with me so much so that I'm sitting here late the next night writing about it. If you are the Fan Base, you know that I don't do movie or book reviews. (If you aren't that one person you won't be reading this anyway, so it doesn't matter.) Anyway, by way of setting up my further contemplation, the movie follows a girl who finds herself in circumstances that would unglue the best of us. Then she's placed in an institution that is worse yet. She detaches from reality somewhat and becomes a powerful warrior in her own mind along with a few other inmates. The movie spends most of its time inside this reality as these inmates see it. You only get brief glimpses into how that looked in the "real world" because for them, it was real as they saw it. But the director makes it clear that there is a real world and these fantasy worlds are truly just that. However, even though they are fantasy, the director makes a poignant point about their value.
This self-imagery enables the girls to do in the real world what they could not do on their own. Even though they perceive it in fantastic images and experiences, the outcome is the same in both worlds.
There is also a character which the movie identifies as an angel, which guides and directs them, but does not fight their battles for them. This too is a powerful statement. Especially if, like me, you totter on the edge of sanity.
Perhaps that's why I am so touched and repulsed by the movie all at once. First of all, when I say the edge of sanity, I have to be clear that this is not a hip euphemism. I'm not making a metaphor. I mean it. Having difficulty with reality does not mean we all drool and stare out windows. Most people with "mental difficulties" are very functional and in fact undiagnosed because of it. Who knows, maybe we just experience more of reality than others and that makes it hard to "stay inside the lines" of normalcy...which would turn out to actually be less real in this scenario, but I'm losing my point.
The director says that he loves to make movies that disturb people while entertaining them and that he likes his morals to be blatant. Both of these goals are achieved in this movie. He speaks to people with real mental difficulties by portraying a hero who has real mental difficulties, but who uses them to her advantage. A hero faces exaggerated circumstances and has exaggerated abilities so that we who hear (or watch) the story can envision that for ourselves and echo it in our more mundane circumstances.
So what does he say to us in the movie? First, you have all the weapons you need. This hits me so hard, coming out of a valley in my ongoing struggle with this thing that plagues me. Second, an angel says this. So a messenger from God tells me that I have all the weapons I need. Wow, is all I can say. Have you ever read Ephesians 6 and 2 Timothy 3:16-17? But the angel can't fight for them. They have to fight for themselves. His role is to take them along the path, but they must walk it. Just as God is always with me, but I must still live through the entire day and all it throws at me.
Third he says, "Fight!" Read Jeremiah 46:3. We must not give up. There is too much talk of this among those who don't understand. We don't need to be encouraged to be mush, to be passive, peaceful, drugged up zombies. We need to take life fiercely by the horns and slay these dragons before us, no matter what our dragons may be. This may seem like a platitude to most people. A nice sentiment. But when you live with mental anguish, depression, psychosomatia, inability to keep perspective on reality, the pressure to roll over and die is immense. Self-preservation is gone and despair sucks at your heels to swallow you if you hesitate for a second. In this kind of existence a voice from outside tells us to stand up, take the weapons we didn't even know we had, and use them. That the weapons are there for us. It isn't a self-help metaphor. It requires a fantastic belief to be able to function. We aren't broken in need of fixing. We were made this way, made for another world. This comes with it's detriments, but also for every detriment is a power to balance it, and even conquer the detriments, as was the case with Baby Doll in the movie.
I know how much "winding up" it takes to do normal tasks. But I can believe I'm a powerful warrior facing down demons. Chances are, I actually am...Even if I am psychotic, in my perception, the fantasy and reality merge to the point that it is effectively the same thing.
Here is a movie for people like me, to people like me. It clearly calls out to me to stand and fight and encourages me to believe what is unbelievable. Even if the way I see it isn't "reality" it will have the same effect. It is an affirmation of my world and my existence. It can be turned to good and used in power.
I don't know if Zack Snyder knows someone that inspired the movie or if his genius produced a movie that superbly speaks to something he personally knows nothing about and may not have even intended to address. But either way, I am thankful for it.
This self-imagery enables the girls to do in the real world what they could not do on their own. Even though they perceive it in fantastic images and experiences, the outcome is the same in both worlds.
There is also a character which the movie identifies as an angel, which guides and directs them, but does not fight their battles for them. This too is a powerful statement. Especially if, like me, you totter on the edge of sanity.
Perhaps that's why I am so touched and repulsed by the movie all at once. First of all, when I say the edge of sanity, I have to be clear that this is not a hip euphemism. I'm not making a metaphor. I mean it. Having difficulty with reality does not mean we all drool and stare out windows. Most people with "mental difficulties" are very functional and in fact undiagnosed because of it. Who knows, maybe we just experience more of reality than others and that makes it hard to "stay inside the lines" of normalcy...which would turn out to actually be less real in this scenario, but I'm losing my point.
The director says that he loves to make movies that disturb people while entertaining them and that he likes his morals to be blatant. Both of these goals are achieved in this movie. He speaks to people with real mental difficulties by portraying a hero who has real mental difficulties, but who uses them to her advantage. A hero faces exaggerated circumstances and has exaggerated abilities so that we who hear (or watch) the story can envision that for ourselves and echo it in our more mundane circumstances.
So what does he say to us in the movie? First, you have all the weapons you need. This hits me so hard, coming out of a valley in my ongoing struggle with this thing that plagues me. Second, an angel says this. So a messenger from God tells me that I have all the weapons I need. Wow, is all I can say. Have you ever read Ephesians 6 and 2 Timothy 3:16-17? But the angel can't fight for them. They have to fight for themselves. His role is to take them along the path, but they must walk it. Just as God is always with me, but I must still live through the entire day and all it throws at me.
Third he says, "Fight!" Read Jeremiah 46:3. We must not give up. There is too much talk of this among those who don't understand. We don't need to be encouraged to be mush, to be passive, peaceful, drugged up zombies. We need to take life fiercely by the horns and slay these dragons before us, no matter what our dragons may be. This may seem like a platitude to most people. A nice sentiment. But when you live with mental anguish, depression, psychosomatia, inability to keep perspective on reality, the pressure to roll over and die is immense. Self-preservation is gone and despair sucks at your heels to swallow you if you hesitate for a second. In this kind of existence a voice from outside tells us to stand up, take the weapons we didn't even know we had, and use them. That the weapons are there for us. It isn't a self-help metaphor. It requires a fantastic belief to be able to function. We aren't broken in need of fixing. We were made this way, made for another world. This comes with it's detriments, but also for every detriment is a power to balance it, and even conquer the detriments, as was the case with Baby Doll in the movie.
I know how much "winding up" it takes to do normal tasks. But I can believe I'm a powerful warrior facing down demons. Chances are, I actually am...Even if I am psychotic, in my perception, the fantasy and reality merge to the point that it is effectively the same thing.
Here is a movie for people like me, to people like me. It clearly calls out to me to stand and fight and encourages me to believe what is unbelievable. Even if the way I see it isn't "reality" it will have the same effect. It is an affirmation of my world and my existence. It can be turned to good and used in power.
I don't know if Zack Snyder knows someone that inspired the movie or if his genius produced a movie that superbly speaks to something he personally knows nothing about and may not have even intended to address. But either way, I am thankful for it.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Kogeteiru
This word means burnt. I recently watched a very cute series of 4 minute animated shorts (typical Japanese PSA style) called Kogepan, or Scorched Bread. It's about a jam-filled bun that was left in the oven too long. The series describes his life and outlook. He's sour and hard. Unsatisfied with himself. Unable to be sold, which is the dream of every bread. His crusty exterior belies a soft heart though. Kogepan makes friends with others who share his fate and even meets others who are worse off, yet more enlightened (Charcoalpan). He even learns that the pretty buns also have problems.
This is a beautiful example of the Japanese heart. The very fact that they would produce a series of PSAs designed to help others understand those who "easily give up and sleep when they're angry", those who are different and unable to be like the normal buns, indicates the inclusive nature of what it is to be Japanese. Not only does this series help others understand the "kogepan" among us, but it gives a glimmer of hope to the kogepan so they will not feel so alone and can find a reason to live.
I understand this well because I am a Kogepan, though gifted with the ability to communicate it where many cannot. This isn't unique by the way, many famous artists, writers, and actors are kogepan too. We can't change how we were made. We were exposed to a bit too much of the heat of life and that is not our fault. We would often prefer to be otherwise and try to scrape off the crusty parts, hide them under frosting, and we would prevent others from being burnt, even when it's romanticized into something attractive.
This is an important understanding that is often lacking in America. We can't help it. This isn't a blame shifting or shirking of personal responsibility. Chances are we Kogepan blame ourselves far more than others could know. What we need is acceptance. That's all.
This is why it angers me SO much when people downplay it, or make fun or offer candy platitudes. Mostly they don't even realize that I AM one of the Kogepan. And I know what it's like to barely be holding on, and how much pain and depression those kind of careless sentiments, even if well-meaning, can cause. Did they never think that the Kogepan might just have tried all of that!
For us Kogepan, we must remember that we can not understand the ways of the Baker, nor do anything about it, even if we could. What is, for us, simply is. But we can know this: the things that burned us have made us much closer to the Baker's heart. This is the essence, difference, and glory of Christianity. The weak and messed up are the most dear and most sought after by God.
And in the worst of times (the deep winter), just as the series concluded: in the cold, everyone's breath is white. And this, at least, is a sign that we exist. It's a small thing, but it's something to be happy about.
This is a beautiful example of the Japanese heart. The very fact that they would produce a series of PSAs designed to help others understand those who "easily give up and sleep when they're angry", those who are different and unable to be like the normal buns, indicates the inclusive nature of what it is to be Japanese. Not only does this series help others understand the "kogepan" among us, but it gives a glimmer of hope to the kogepan so they will not feel so alone and can find a reason to live.
I understand this well because I am a Kogepan, though gifted with the ability to communicate it where many cannot. This isn't unique by the way, many famous artists, writers, and actors are kogepan too. We can't change how we were made. We were exposed to a bit too much of the heat of life and that is not our fault. We would often prefer to be otherwise and try to scrape off the crusty parts, hide them under frosting, and we would prevent others from being burnt, even when it's romanticized into something attractive.
This is an important understanding that is often lacking in America. We can't help it. This isn't a blame shifting or shirking of personal responsibility. Chances are we Kogepan blame ourselves far more than others could know. What we need is acceptance. That's all.
This is why it angers me SO much when people downplay it, or make fun or offer candy platitudes. Mostly they don't even realize that I AM one of the Kogepan. And I know what it's like to barely be holding on, and how much pain and depression those kind of careless sentiments, even if well-meaning, can cause. Did they never think that the Kogepan might just have tried all of that!
For us Kogepan, we must remember that we can not understand the ways of the Baker, nor do anything about it, even if we could. What is, for us, simply is. But we can know this: the things that burned us have made us much closer to the Baker's heart. This is the essence, difference, and glory of Christianity. The weak and messed up are the most dear and most sought after by God.
And in the worst of times (the deep winter), just as the series concluded: in the cold, everyone's breath is white. And this, at least, is a sign that we exist. It's a small thing, but it's something to be happy about.
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