Rabbit

Last night I dreamed of a rabbit.  It was nothing special.  A typical brown Florida rabbit hopping unexpectedly into the scene of the dream from a place that rabbits might live.  It was not even part of the storyline of the dream.  It just occurred as a moment in the dream.  It didn't do anything magical or strange.  Just looked at me and then hopped on about it's business.  This is common for me with dream symbols and I've learned to pay attention to them when they occur.

Truthfully, I didn't even think much about it until my wife mentioned a rabbit today and the recollection of the dream flooded back.  But then she said she also dreamed of a rabbit last night, though in a different form.  That really made me start thinking.

Now, I'm wont to over think everything, so this in itself may be the meaning of the symbol, but since understanding a dream is more about understanding how the dreamer reacted to the symbol and what it means to that person, I thought to write it out and see what occurs.

I looked up typical meanings of rabbits in dreams, in myths, in folklore.  There's a lot there about magic and innocence, and helplessness, and fertility, and cunning, but it really has more to do with the associations I give rabbits, so I wasn't settled on any one thing.

So how do I view rabbits?  I think most of Br'er Rabbit.  They are smart, cunning, elusive, mischievous.  While they can be seen as innocent and helpless, I don't view them that way.  In fact, I'm more apt to see them as kind of mean.  This comes from experiences with real rabbits.  Their cute looks bely teeth and claws.  They fight with each other, bite, and even abandon their young.  But this is part of their nature and secondary in my mind.  We are all of us made up of pleasant and not so pleasant aspects that form a synergistic whole. 

So for me, rabbits are uncatchable without weapons.  Not needing to eat them, I see them as fellow creatures sharing a space.  They are relatively untameable, adaptable.  We find them existing in close proximity to us and often not even known.  Unlike other commensal species, they keep their distance and do relatively little nuisance to us.

I once had an experience with a rabbit as part of a school project to experience 'place'.  I had to visit the same place for a set duration for a set period of time and record anything of note both internal and external.  Then cap it off with a presentation expressing what I had learned of the place.

My place was a little grove where a rabbit just like the one in the dream kept appearing as well.  It would come out and lounge and I began to try to take a picture of it up close.  But this required some stalking with my old disposable camera.  This sparked a silent game in which I would wait for it, then stalk, only to be foiled at the moment of the shutter click when it would bounce away.  By the end of the project I had given up and decided to say my goodbyes and admit defeat.  That very last day, the rabbit appeared again and this time brought out several little ones in tow.  This mother allowed me to see them this once, showed me to them, and quickly herded them back into their lair.  It was truly a moment of understanding for us both.  She had been playing with me all along, protecting her young which were no doubt watching from the brush.

I was reminded of Br'er Rabbit.  The stories I had grown up on told of this tricky cunning nature.  So I capped my project by sketching my rabbit friend as Br'er Rabbit.  And to this day, I always greet rabbits kindly and respectfully when I see them.  This is my primary association with the animal.

But another aspect of understanding a dream is how the image in the dream was perceived in the dream.  What emotions and thoughts did it arouse?  This is difficult and I won't blog all the details since they are complex and very personal.  There is a bit of a revelatory or capstone nature to it.  Sort of cementing or confirming the effects of some good changes that have happened in my life.  And there is a bit of the fear representation element, though it is a subtle care more than a real fear, like the fear of breaking something delicate.  Then there is the aspect of fertility, though not my own or my wife's that is at issue. 

Finally, and perhaps most importantly is the aspect of intuition.  The rabbit looked at me and a moment of understanding passed.  Since rabbits can represent intuition, I am confirmed in thinking that it might have been a message to let go of my rationality in certain situations of my life and go with my intuition.  My logic doubts it, but perhaps this dream was telling me to trust it.

The symbol is so complex, but it all rolls into one cloudy sort of point at one particular complex thing in my waking life.  I am becoming more settled on this as I write.  If I dream it again that could confirm or change it.  But either way, time will tell.

Affirmative

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the nature of love and my reactions to certain things in my life.  Overall, things are not bad, and I feel I am now able to take a few steps toward living the life I am made to live.  But this life is increasingly uncertain in that there is not a clear path or plan.  It is an increasingly day by day, moment by moment existence where I am constantly evaluating my circumstances, looking and listening for God's direction.

I am totally happy to be in this place, but at the same time it offers unexpected challenges.  Namely, I find myself subject to many doubts.  Since I have no clear path immediately before me, I am open to self-criticism.  I have been learning how to deal with this, but one thing I feel a need to do is to affirm what I know to be true about myself.  A friend and mentor once told me that we must forever recount the goodness of God in our lives.  Keep the truth forever before our eyes lest we forget and despair in the moment.  So in that vein, I am writing this.  I hope that it will not seem pretentious or proud.  But considering that only one or two people will ever read this, I don't think that will be a big problem.  Here's what I know:

I am Cav.  I am a child of God.  A sinner saved by unmerited favor.  I did not choose Him, He chose me, chased me, rescued me from my own destruction.  As such I am bound to Him by love and duty.  I am His come flames of hell or glories of pleasure.  I can not be otherwise.

I was born under the vow of Hanna, like Samuel, given over to God before my very conception.  I had nothing to do with it.

I died.  I was given life and forfeit it, despising the gift, unworthy of it.  I gave it up and it was snatched up by my God.  I do not own it.  I am Aragh the wolf, living dead that I might not fear for my life and can exist with abandon.

I am a wild child made for and shaped by the natural world.  I understand it, feel at home in it.  It is a part of my being.  Untamable, infinitely adaptable, unity in diversity, diversity in unity, dangerous and gentle, life-giving and life-taking.

I am a Sheepdog, helping my Shepherd handle the sheep.  Loyal, commandable, responsive, intuitive, brave, self-sacrificing, unassuming, unseeking of glory.  I desire only to hear my master's praise and feel his hand upon my head.  I will not lose one with whom I am charged.  I will give my life for them and in the service of the Shepherd without a second thought.  They are as safe with me as they are with Him, though anyone who would harm them will feel my savage bite.

I am a seer, able to understand and interpret things as they are in Truth, as the Spirit gives me clarity.  This is not a magic power.  This is not a self-aggrandizing thing.  In fact, it is quite the opposite, it comes with a burden.  I will forever be outcast, misunderstood, misaligned with those around me.  Camel hair and locusts are my lot.  This is a fallen world, so seeing more means I cannot ignore pain, I feel the ache of God's heart for his lost children, their pain and sin hurts me and I long to gather them up under His sheltering wings.  Sadly, this is too often rejected as we strive to be well on our own.  Too unfamiliar to people.  This is my burden.  Yet, I will love openly, live openly, speak openly, poor myself out and take in the pain and rejection as Jesus himself was rejected.  I know that though I may suffer, others will see God's love because it does not return void.

I am all of this and more.  Imperfect, broken, punk to the world because I am of a different stuff, for a different world.  And I will accomplish all that He has for me, not in my own strength but because He is my portion and He will not be forsworn.  So help me God.

God did it

I've been saving this up until the entire deal was over and I could safely say so.  Now I believe it is true.  Here's the story.

We bought our house at the tail end of the housing peak.  We were smart enough to avoid the pitfall mortgages and to buy a house that we could afford.  We bought it under value, did lots of work to it, and in a year had it reappraised.  We had gained significant equity which we thought would preserve us during the inevitable crash that everyone with a brain saw coming.  But it didn't.  The values fell so far that we not only lost the equity but the house was valued at less than half what we paid for it.

Now things were still good in that we could afford it.  But the neighborhood, which was not the best in the first place began to slip and we could not sell or refinance.  We were locked into the payment for thirty years.  At the rate of recovery there was no way we could ever make back the money and certainly not within a time frame which we needed to move.

So we debated several things and investigated options and ultimately sat on it until the time seemed right.  Earlier this year, that time hit.  We decided we needed to get out.  Trouble at my son's school, new neighbor issues, the huge albatross of a home investment, family issues all pointed to one thing.  But we knew we had no options before.  but we also know that God is all powerful and works in the world today.  So I asked him to take care of this some way or other.

I called the bank to ask about options, knowing there weren't many for people who were smart enough to afford their homes...why would a bank help someone who could pay?  But they said there were programs for our case.  So I needed a realtor.  My wife knew one who turned out to specialize in short sales, so we signed up with her.  She gave us details about programs and processes and we were in for the haul, expecting this could take nearly a year and cost us money in the end.

But then the bank told us they had a program that was essentially a "no doc" short sale.  We say we need to sell and they work with us to do it.  No financial record search, no haggling, etc.  Our realtor had never had something like this before.  Even her other short sales with far more hardship were slow and painful.

We listed the house and had a buyer in less than a week.  The bank told us how much we needed to get and we had more than that.  It took a few months to work out all the paperwork, etc, but this month we closed the sale, had the balance of debt written off, and even came a way with a nice relocation incentive.  All told about 4 months.

We even found a nice house to rent in a good area with more square footage and for less than our mortgage payment.  I know no one who has had it this easy.  Our realtor doesn't either.  I know others in the process who are struggling through in the typical fashion or through other similar relief options.

I did nothing to make this happen.  I have no special knowledge of real estate, and I am not a holy man.  There is only one explanation for this entire process:  I asked God to do it and he did.  I don't know why he might not do it for other people.  I'm not going to start making theological premises out of it.  Suffice to say it is not by works of righteousness which I have done.  But the credit must go to my God who claims to know and control all things and who promises to give us good things, and he did.