Like an animal

I have learned so much from animals and nature. There's is a world only ruined by association. This means it functions much closer to perfection and where the affects of ruination are felt they are handled more like they would be handled in a perfect state.

Right now, I'm thinking of how animals and even plants (which are far more responsive than people think, only on a much slower time scale) do not judge. If they form opinions, they do not affect behavior in any large degree. They take each action or event as it comes, they tolerate massive amounts of wrong, and they are slow to learn fear or hate while being quick to forgive.

I wonder if I can learn to live like this. Can I not expect, not interpret, not figure? Can I learn to simply be and watch and react appropriately? I've spent years thinking about things in hopes of reaching peace through ultimate understanding. If I could see how things all work, I'd be able to rest in that just like when you understand your surgery or illness you feel less anxious about it. Not that I ever thought I would get to the end, but it was the distant goal that defined a paradigm.

But now I'm starting to realize that this may not be the answer. Like Solomon returning to rest in meaninglessness, I'm finding that understanding brings no peace.

No matter what I learn, I feel like I've done all this before. Had these realizations, cycled around, and nothing has really changed.

I recognized the cycles before, but I envisioned them spiraling upward where each cycle was a little closer to truth. But I doubt that now.

Now I want to get off the train. I want to watch it draw away from me and take all it's energy and activity with it. I want to look and simply see what is there, not be preoccupied with things that aren't there. Wars and rumors of wars, a chasing after the wind, trying to capture shadows. I want to see feel what is there without having to analyze, systematize and categorize. I just want to feel and let the feeling go into the next, good, bad, sad, or indifferent.

I want a simple and gentle yet unabashed honesty, like animals, to the greatest degree I can.

Weather mood

Ok, so this blog gets a lot of dark or negative posts. But that's ok. That's a big part of me, and this blog is a way to process thoughts and feelings. So it's ok.

Right now, I've been trying hard to not bury the things that have come to the surface in me. I am hoping to let them heal while I have the chance. That's when I realized how much external circumstances affect my mood. Part if if thinks it shouldn't be that way, but then it seems perfectly natural for anyone connected to the world around them. So maybe the aversion is just some form of social expectation perhaps filtered through my conservative show no flaws upbringing. So as I said in the last post, I'm giving myself permission to just react and feel.

I live in a place with the worst weather I've ever experienced. We haven't had a fully sunny day since I got here 5 months ago, and for the last three it's been cold and drizzly all the time. There's not so much rock around here, but a good deal of clay, so whatever is paved is covered in a black or green slick and what isn't is a slime of sticky mud.  To make matters worse, the place is not well adapted to it, so buildings are cold and heated by stoves that create exceedingly dry indoor conditions. Then the walls are thin and paper, so you have to close the doors and hang plastic to keep any kind if heat in.

So life is a dark suffocatingly dry existence in a fluroescent lit paper box with no outside viewpunctuated by trips through a hallway a coulpe degrees above freezing. Or trips outside in sleety drizzle and mud.

It's not cold enough to outright snow, so it's just sodden gray. Hard to do anything outside or inside. I really hate it. My mood suffers with it and I find my spirits suddenly lift and literally get excitied when the sun peeks out. But around here it is either about to rain or just did. So in literal minutes the sun will be completely blanketed in a low gray sky again, and the chill penetrates into my soul again.

I check the extended forecast daily and can't wait for warm up, and hopefully some sun. I also count the days until I can leave here.

God, I hope I can make it through this. I have not hated a place like this in my entire life...except maybe high school, but at least then, my bright life-giving friend was always accessible just outside when I could sneak out to find him. Then maybe the winter vacations my family took as a kid where we'd sit for hours rocking along dirt roads through the southewst US trapped in a trick with my family that all got along. (The only thing we agreed on was that I was the black sheep.) Only to jump out in the cold, which I was perpetually underdressed for 10 minutes at a time before moving on. But even that was just a week or two and the sun came out sometimes.

Back off

Today I find myself feeling embarrassed for nothing really, just for being me, for being here, etc.  I guess I'm feeling tired of having to live up to people's expectations.  It's funny how even people with a reputation for bucking the system still end up confined by expectations.  Maybe it's just my own expectations.  Maybe it's all in my own head, brought on by the isolation of this life.  I spend hours without saying a word, just ghosting around people who barely notice I'm there.

The few friends who know about it are not any help.  They pretty much don't get it at all and can't figure out why I don't fit their expectations of how I should be reacting in this situation, or how they think they'd react, or whatever.  To be fair, some people are true.  Those people I value.  If you think you're one of them, you're probably wrong and if you aren't sure, then it might be you.  But while I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm not ok right now.  So this is my time to get sorted.  So you're just going to have to deal with it.

I suppose I could break out of this funk.  I could push myself into other dynamics.  But I don't really want to.  I would love to see the people I care about here, but they are far far away, far enough that it's not much different than when I lived in the US.

I'm disappointed with this experience, with myself, with what I'm learning about myself, etc.  The one thing I want to do is just not think, not pretend, just be whatever I am at the moment I want space to be that and I'm going to freaking take it.  So everyone should just butt out.  I'm giving myself permission to feel angry and sad and lonely and disappointed and hurt and to be quiet and to hate small talk and talking on the phone and one-sided friendships and F&'(##$% Skype.

I'm going to simply react and be for awhile.  So fair-warning, if this bothers you or hurts you in some way, just stay away from me.  I'm ceasing to strive in any way.  I am what I am good and bad and in between and I'm not pretending or apologizing for it.  So stop expecting things.