Chronology

I have blogged on time before, but this is not so much on the nature of time as on the timing of events. Somethings precede other things. Layers below other layers were laid down first. It's a foundational principle of geology. The beginning of a story comes before the end. I learned something before I knew how to do it. Everything happens in sequences.

But in my life, in my perception, things seem to happen out of joint sometimes. An event can come before it's cause. A explanation may come before the question. It's really bizarre when it happens.

Sometimes it isn't so much out of sequence as just vastly distanced. For example, yesterday I was talking with my boss at work about an idea to resolve a particular situation. I would need to revise a document and possibly build a program out of it. He said to take my time because there was no rush. So today, I remembered that I had already written something related in the past. I couldn't remember why, other than at the time I thought it might be useful someday. So I found the document and it was exactly what I had been asked to write the day before. It perfectly addressed the very situation that I was facing, that didn't arise until the past month or so. And I wrote it in 2007!

I wrote the answer before I even perceived the question! Before I even foresaw that the question would come! Now of course, maybe I did simply know my job well enough to think through possibilities and it was all just good planning. But come on...I didn't change anything in it. It was exactly what I needed to write. And at the time there was no impetus to write it. I just thought it might be a good idea someday and then filed it away. Even the fact that I remembered it is amazing to me. Just last weekend I completely forgot that I had written something that I wrote only a week or two before. Someone showed it to me and I didn't recognize that I had written it. They told me I had...after which time I did finally remember.

I would just think this is one of those weird coincidences and explain it away if it weren't for the comments of my spiritual director a while ago. He said to me while we were talking that I had been seeing things happen out of time sequence. I hadn't told him I was having that happen. He just knew it because that's what happens with spiritual directors. It's a relationship arranged by God. But I hadn't thought about it before. He told me that this was common among contemplatives because reality is beyond time and when we start to move in that world, this one becomes far less stable...or rather we begin to see how unstable this world really is.

It's really true. From time to time, I'll have a moment click and it feels like tumblers fall into place, unlocking a bit more of the door. In that click, I can see how all the other dials and plates had been turning to align across time so that at this one moment the tumbler would fall into place. Some of those plates are nearer, others are behind, and they don't necessarily align in sequence.

Gender

I've been wanting to blog about this for some time and every time I can't quite get it to work. Then something else occupies my mind and I forget about it. But here goes again.

Gender is something that really defines us, but at the same time, I don't think is so static. While we are physically one or the other (and for the record I don't believe it is possible to be mentally one gender and physically another) our whole existence is not so set as we may think.

I totally believe it is possible to be very in touch with aspects that we associate with the opposite gender and still be fully healthy and fully man or woman as the case may be. For example, there are very masculine men and there are men who embody more traditionally feminine characteristics. Some men are sensitive, artistic, nurturing, emotional, etc. Some women are also aggressive, strong, competitive, protective. This doesn't necessarily make them any more or less men or women, because I don't believe each gender to be so polarized. I think that is a gross generalization that we apply to people and I believe it is unhealthy.

I think that by saying this set of characteristics define "man" and this set define "woman" lead to many of the sexual and identity issues we face in society. Where those would not be issues if people were freer to be who they were. God does not make mistakes, people do. And by pinning things down so rigidly we stack the deck against certain people who don't fit the profile.

I myself have never fit the profile, though not in the homosexual sense. Many of the traditionally male associated attributes I don't understand or like. Interestingly, my wife is the mirror image, exhibiting many traditionally male characteristics herself. Now, don't get me wrong here. This isn't some kind of twisted role reversal. I am fully man and she is fully woman. At the same time, we both embody very male and female characteristics as well, so get over that. If you know us, you understand what I mean. My wife is far more apt to watch sports or gore and less apt to talk about her feelings or thoughts than me. Though she is sweet and nurturing. I am more apt to express myself verbally and physically. Though I am fiercely protective of my family and enjoy tough physical activities.

To put it another way, we all have access to all aspects of humanity, from both genders. We are parts of one whole. I believe God designed it that way, like everything else, to represent an aspect of greater reality. God is necessarily beyond gender and exhibits the complete form, the ideal, of whatever we echo here in this world. Next to his complete masculinity every man is utterly feminine. Next to his femininity, every woman is utterly masculine.

I could go on, but it gets immensely complicated. I could blog entirely on the beauties of femininity and again on the virtues of masculinity. Suffice to say, I believe the physical aspects of gender to be entirely a part of this world. But I believe the deeper truer aspects of gender to be parts of one whole which we all echo in various degrees and combinations. Celebrate the differences. Experience and enjoy the complex interweavings of gender and leave people to be who they are out of love and respect, and because deep inside, we are not so well gendered as we might think. But don't take my word for this. Many famous Contemplatives have discovered the same thing.

Integration

Integration is crucially important. I think we live far too fragmentally. It's not good for us. We compartmentalize our lives, our bodies, our minds. All things are separate. In some recent conversations with friends I began to realize how integration was something we were all seeking. We all approached from slightly different angles, but we were not that far apart.

I think most people may not even realize how we fragment ourselves. We have our home life in which we are perhaps at most rest. If we live in a tumultuous house, then we have some place that we are most ourselves.

Then we have a personality for work. Some people are very different at work. For me, some of that was necessitated by appearance. I just couldn't look like myself at work. It was not accepted. But now I have built enough credibility and maneuvered into a place that I can relax into my own appearance somewhat more. Time alone helps because I entered the professional world early and the tastes of my generation hadn't caught up yet. Now my generation is more in the mainstream and while not everyone looks like me, at least they are familiar with the look and aren't put off by it.

Then we fragment socially. Church is horrible about this. If you don't go to church you probably don't know what I mean...which is good. But if you've spent any amount of time in churches you'll know there is always some bit of a persona that people carry off. Some more than others. In the best sense, it's simply things you don't talk about or say, that you might normally. At worst, it's a whole fake persona. I wouldn't ever go so far as to say that is true in all churches, just out of sound logic, but I have actually seen one...just one...where there was no persona. So there may be others.

In other social aspects, we fragment from other people by keeping distance. We may have some really close friends, but many of us don't have as many friends as close as we would like. I'm not talking about anything wierd or perverted. Just an open easiness that lets us be who we really are with each other. The primary unit of humanity is not the nuclear family, but the tribe. Without being a part of a pack, we will never truly be whole.

We can also fragment physically. We have separate times for work, play, fitness, and entertainment. In varying degrees of course, these can become full fragments of our personality. For example, I know a whole part of Tampa where most people will drive home from work, change clothes into workout wear, load their equipment, and drive to an appropriate workout place. Perhaps the silliest is runners and bikers who will drive to a place to run or bike, even if it's only a couple of kilometers from home!

But I want integration of all parts. Faith colors my study and meditation, which feeds into my physical practice, which affects my work (both home and office), and I enjoy all. None are excluded for any other part of life. It all flows seamlessly together like a river where varying currents may come to the surface but none stop flowing. All is water.

There are many ways to achieve this, I'm sure. For me, it is a lifestyle of Contemplation, Practicing the Presence. This is coupled with a warts and all approach to relationships, even at work. Add to this the physical discipline of Parkour, which integrates mind and body, and it's pretty much a complete package. Even hobbies start to flow into it, such as gardening, and woodwork. What integrates is good, what doesn't is not attractive.

It's imperfect by far. I am still far more fragmented than I want to be. But I am trying to learn to forgive myself...not in the sense of any one specific flaw, but by simply not holding myself to such a high standard. Of course, I think one of the first steps toward integration one must take is to let go of one's self altogether. It's not something that happens in sequence, but is a primer that must continually be primed. A base flow, to use the language of my scientific discipline.

Pollenation

Well in the pollen aftermath, I learned a couple of things. I think they fit into the unmodify method quite well. But I still need to have the originator explain it to me better to be sure. Verdict is still out on that one. What I did learn is that we often need simple crutches to get us over those humps of will and belief. Or rather, belief and will go hand in hand so that I must believe something for it to be true, but can't just will myself to believe it. So sometimes we need crutches...but that's such a dirty word...points of faith, let's say, to get us over those humps.

For example, I know from experience that pollen bothers me. I can accept the possibilities that it doesn't have to, that it is harmless, and that I could somehow outgrow the allergy. But my experience has been so the other way, that subconsciously and consciously, I can't just stop thinking that it will affect me...so it usually does. Maybe it would anyway, but I inadvertently close the door on other possibility...it's a fine shade of difference. But when I have something that overrides the very latent worry about the pollen, the affect of the pollen goes down...not away, but down, and medicines even work better in lower dosages.

Further, if I find something that I do believe may help, and do not do it, the concern that that thing might have helped makes the condition worse. But if I give in to that help and accept it, the condition improves. So, say, if I think I have developed a sinus infection as a secondary effect of the allergy, but do not act on it because I am not sure, the doubt/worry makes the condition worse. But if I go ahead and take steps to relieve the sinus issue or confirm that it is not an issue in this case, the symptoms improve even before treatment has had time to work.

I think this further proves the mind-body connection and is more in line with the unmodify method of health management. It truly is an experience-based thing, and not wishful thinking...at least as I understand it.

I'm not out of the woods on it yet, but the trail is becoming clearer and I am starting to feel as if I might suddenly push out into one of those clearings where I will find others who came in by different bushwhacks already enjoying the sun of this enlightenment, just as happened with Parkour.

Pollen

It's finally warmed up this year. Plants are budding out. Life is returning. It's been an extraordinarily cold year. But now the dry time has hit. We probably won't see much rain until June or July. And right now, the oak trees are blooming. All across this region, the oak trees have gone from dead brown to orange and yellow. Their shaggy flowers dispersing the yellow powder that produces acorns. There's so much of it that cars, houses, sidewalks, are stained yellow. You can actually see it blowing by in the bright light.

For many, this is a minor nuisance, but for increasing numbers this means runny noses, itchy eyes, scratchy throats. It's miserable. I am one of these for whom oak pollen is essentially toxic. I don't know why. Allergies are on the rise. More and more people are affected. I've tried everything, but nothing will really solve the problem.

Perhaps it's that more and more people are surviving childhood and that is allowing weaker genes to pass along. Where when infant mortality was higher, the weaker children didn't make it. Or perhaps, as the great Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki suggests, it is a result of our polluting our world. Perhaps the pollen is actually becoming more toxic, or the pollution we breathe and eat and drink is weakening us so that we can't resist these allergens. I have no idea.

I do know that I have been unable to will this away. I have been unable to treat it entirely, though medicines do help. I have prayed for it to be removed from me, but God has not. So I must bear it. I keep praying, of course, for patience, for resistance, for strength, for it to go away, for rain to wash it out of the air...but ultimately, I just have to endure.

In Japan, cedar trees cause similar problems, so the government cuts them down in populated areas...another aspect of the community spirit and care for each other that is prevalent in that culture. But here, there's no chance of that...it might hurt pharmaceutical sales, which would damage our economy!

But maybe, as Miyazaki suggests, it is cleansing our world, and the toxin will cease after the world has been purified. This sort of Gaia response is not so far fetched to an ecologist. It won't be in my lifetime though. Perhaps I should live in the tundra, or the desert, or somewhere without oaks...but then, it would be another plant.

So in the end, as Easter is upon us and we contemplate the death of Jesus, it is perhaps fitting. If this is all I have to bear, I suppose it is negligible to the sufferings he endured. Even to the sufferings of many around the world today. I am weak and soft and self-centered. But I commit this, as I must do all things, to Him. He is my hope, my salvation, my comfort. May I keep perspective and accept what I cannot change. The Unmodify Method I've described in recent posts has been difficult for me in this. But I'm trying to embrace it.

Happy Easter.