Great Book

I just read a book that has taken a place among the life-changing reads. Right there with Practice of the Presence, Ishmael, and just about anything by C.S. Lewis. It's called So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore.

It isn't the writing that makes this book so good. It's the content. If you read this blog, you'll know many of the attitudes and struggles I have regarding religion. And if you know me personally, you'll know there are many more than what's made it onto this blog. This book spoke to nearly all of them and a few I hadn't even thought of. And it validates a direction I've been heading over the years without really knowing it and in spite of trying desperately not to go that way.

I received this book as an indefinite loan and shoved it on the shelf to take it's place at the back of the list. At the time, I had just finished Organic Church, which made some great points that I emphatically agree with and made me think. But it had too much of an agenda to really sit well. This book actually addresses the attitude behind Organic Church and points out the flaws in the thinking. But, at the time, I wasn't into another apparently similar book, so I let it lay. But recently, things have come up that I have really been struggling with. Inadequacies and injuries that should not exist in what touts itself as God's Way. And people, when confronted with them in an effort to legitimately gain understanding, react in odd ways. So I was aching inside and the book dropped off the shelf at me...quite literally, it almost walked right out into my hand. So I took that as a sign to read it and can see now how the time was so right.

This kind of thing should not at all be surprising if God is truly alive and willing to be known. (This book addresses that as well!) But I think what struck me the most was that the overall theme is not, 'leave the institutional church'. It isn't 'fix the church as we know it'. It isn't anything like that. If it had been, I wouldn't have liked it. The theme of this book is simply, "follow Jesus". Radically, completely, personally, follow Jesus in direct and real ways. It points out how various styles of contemporary American protestant 'churches' fail at this for various reasons. But the freeing thing is, we don't have to fix it. We can stay or go or do something different because we are only responsible for ourselves. We may be told by Jesus to leave. Or we may be told to stay. The point isn't the outcome. The point is the process. Where we fail is in the process.

It radically redefines for me what it means to be a Christian and blows so many of the old rules and manipulations out of the water. Where to start? I don't want to describe them all here. It would take pages. In short, I'm done playing the games. I want something real. I want the amazing fulfilling life promised in the Bible. I have experienced it and want it back. Unfortunately, at the time, we didn't understand the process and it failed as our corruptions perverted it. But now I can see to the root of it and will be able to avoid it...How? Because it isn't up to me. It's up to Jesus. I just have to follow him with abandon. I'll probably get sucked off into error somehow. But he'll pull me back. And I don't have to worry about the ramifications for others because He is doing the same for every person on the planet. We're all on our own journey.

You see, salvation is for all people. God loves us equally. And Jesus opened the door to draw us all to God. He abolished the old system. I am not responsible for my own salvation and God is not withholding His blessings until I get it all worked out. It isn't a reward/punishment system. This is good news, man! This is the Good Spiel, the Gospel, the Good News. We are free! Every one of of us is loved by God and freed from all the bondage we have created for ourselves. Does that mean people will abuse the freedom. Yes. But that is no excuse to crawl back into the chains.

The thing is, I knew this stuff all along and was afraid to give it sway. I had been shown them and pushed them aside from fear and pride and misteaching. Trust me, I've seen the results of threatening someone's comfort level. When you walk out on the water, people will first try to haul you back in the boat. When you tell them the boat sunk eons ago and they're clinging to an illusion, they freak out and start trying to shove you under! "You need the boat! Heretic! Idiot! Pervert! Thief! Liar! Sink damn you!" And then they turn and defame you as a poor lost soul in need of prayer. When you won't play the game, people get torqued. But I'm going to be ok with that. I have to be. It scares me, yeah, but I've been there before. As I've said before, following Jesus is not an option once you know what's real. To deny it makes me a liar.

So here goes: Your Sunday gathering doesn't make you closer to God. Listening to a concert of songs with praises in them doesn't constitute worship. The building you meet in isn't God's house. You don't have to say a prayer of forgiveness or salvation before God will listen to you. A Christian doesn't look like anything particular. You don't need instruction or covering from professional clergy or denominations. You're job title doesn't make you appointed by God. You're children don't need hyped atmosphere and reward games to stay in church, they need something real and will leave when they are old enough because they will see through it. You can't even go to church! That's like saying, you go to human. Wherever Christians go, there church is. You don't have to save the lost or fix what's wrong; Jesus did that and does that. God's purposes run crosswise through our efforts, including institutions, ministries, home churches, pagans and atheists, and as such the organization or lack thereof is irrelevant. You don't have to figure it out or defend God. God loves you. He died to have you back. And He actively, daily, minute by minute, draws you to Himself in His ways on His timing. This is reality. All you have to do to experience it is quit ignoring it. And God will reveal Himself. He will prove Himself. You need no more faith than to believe He exists and wants you to know Him. You're emotions are ok. You're questions are ok. If you feel uneasy about something it's probably because something is wrong. You don't have to blindly accept it, or "just have faith." And if someone teaches you that, they are probably wrong.

God it feels good to write this!

Bashing

They say that when you ask God for patience, you should be prepared to wait. I think this is true of any lesson. If we ask for it, we have to be prepared for the answer. I think this is part of counting the cost.

I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.

I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.

Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.

Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.

I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.

The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?

I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.

And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!

Headache

I've had a headache for two months now. I'm not kidding. It gets more or less intense, but it hasn't gone away. It's a constant companion reminding me of my frail flesh. I'd love to be rid of it, but haven't found the way.

I've been to two different doctors, done three antibiotics, tried OTC decongestants and pain killers. At best, they give a few hours of lessening, but no remedy. I had a CT scan that said it's a sinus infection, but I have none of the usual symptoms. In fact, my nasal allergies have completely disappeared. I feel great other than this nagging headache. I've got another appointment with a different specialist next week.

I've looked into self-healing. I believe this is possible. I've tried meditation, which can relieve the pain temporarily. I've tried the Unmodify method, to no avail. I'm constantly praying. And I've asked for prayer several times from others.

I don't know if this is a psychosomatic thing, or if there is really something wrong. No one who should know seems too worried about it, so I haven't been either. I started to be afraid of tumors or other weird illnesses until I realized that these would actually be a relief to me since I would be forced out of my complacency and may even face the end of my journey here. For me, this is a serious relief and something very hopeful. Knowing the end of my struggle was coming soon would be such a relief at long last. I have no desire for long life in this miserable dimension. I am merely serving my tour.

I also realized that this pain has kept me focused on God, kept me seeking him at every turn. I also realized that there are many who go through life with far worse pains for far longer. I have a new compassion for them. I also realized that many couldn't afford the medical care or even have access to it, that I do. And this is both a blessing that I have access to it and that I am able to sympathize more with those who don't.

Is there some deeper meaning? I don't know. Can I heal myself of this? I doubt it. Does that mean I am not doing the healing properly? Probably. Is God still in control? Yes. He is my healer whether that be through medicine or meditation or instantaneous cure. I have had my moments where the pain gets the better of me. But for the most part, I am surprised at how calm I have been through this. I definitely want it over. I want to learn what I must from this and move on. But if I must wait, I am finding that I can, and not in anxiousness or anger. Just waiting.