Bashing

They say that when you ask God for patience, you should be prepared to wait. I think this is true of any lesson. If we ask for it, we have to be prepared for the answer. I think this is part of counting the cost.

I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.

I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.

Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.

Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.

I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.

The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?

I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.

And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!