Headache

I've had a headache for two months now. I'm not kidding. It gets more or less intense, but it hasn't gone away. It's a constant companion reminding me of my frail flesh. I'd love to be rid of it, but haven't found the way.

I've been to two different doctors, done three antibiotics, tried OTC decongestants and pain killers. At best, they give a few hours of lessening, but no remedy. I had a CT scan that said it's a sinus infection, but I have none of the usual symptoms. In fact, my nasal allergies have completely disappeared. I feel great other than this nagging headache. I've got another appointment with a different specialist next week.

I've looked into self-healing. I believe this is possible. I've tried meditation, which can relieve the pain temporarily. I've tried the Unmodify method, to no avail. I'm constantly praying. And I've asked for prayer several times from others.

I don't know if this is a psychosomatic thing, or if there is really something wrong. No one who should know seems too worried about it, so I haven't been either. I started to be afraid of tumors or other weird illnesses until I realized that these would actually be a relief to me since I would be forced out of my complacency and may even face the end of my journey here. For me, this is a serious relief and something very hopeful. Knowing the end of my struggle was coming soon would be such a relief at long last. I have no desire for long life in this miserable dimension. I am merely serving my tour.

I also realized that this pain has kept me focused on God, kept me seeking him at every turn. I also realized that there are many who go through life with far worse pains for far longer. I have a new compassion for them. I also realized that many couldn't afford the medical care or even have access to it, that I do. And this is both a blessing that I have access to it and that I am able to sympathize more with those who don't.

Is there some deeper meaning? I don't know. Can I heal myself of this? I doubt it. Does that mean I am not doing the healing properly? Probably. Is God still in control? Yes. He is my healer whether that be through medicine or meditation or instantaneous cure. I have had my moments where the pain gets the better of me. But for the most part, I am surprised at how calm I have been through this. I definitely want it over. I want to learn what I must from this and move on. But if I must wait, I am finding that I can, and not in anxiousness or anger. Just waiting.