Failed

Not a month after I wrote about my great experience where I stepped out in faith and I promised to continue, I have failed it. Like Peter, I rode from the high right off the cliff and back into the mud.

As usual, no details. This about my experience, not the gossip. I encountered a friend yesterday who seemed upset. I went to talk to her and she broke down crying. I stayed and comforted her trying to learn if there was anything I could do without prying into the source of pain which is not my business. It became clear after a little while that she just needed time to let it out and being there was enough. but I had pressing engagements and was running late from the outset. Failing all options I could think of to help the situation and being satisfied that it would be ok, even being reassured by this person that she was ok, I opted to leave thinking there was nothing else I could do.

But as soon as I set off I felt this sinking wrongness like I should not have left. I justified that I had to go and other people were waiting on me. But the flat sadness settled on me and I almost wanted to turn back. I even talked about it to my wife, justifying my action outloud to her that I had done everything I could. That I always tried to and that it was beyond my control to do more. I even thought it must be a lesson for me to let God handle things and stay out of the way.

But the feeling that I had missed it never left. All day and all night it tugged at me. I even tried to call and make sure she was ok later, but could reach no one. Oddly, my phone even kept cutting out when I did get through so that I couldn't talk, though it worked fine to anyone else.

Then this morning at work I was listening to some new music I had just gotten...a particularly meditative song about failing and forgiveness while I was reading some super dry documents. Slowly, I settled into that place of contemplation and I understood. I HAD missed it. I should have stayed. I have no idea how it would have gone...If I'd have missed my entire plans or not. Maybe it would have turned into another glorious expression of God's love in real life. But I'll never know now. I was reminded of my promise and of every other time I've squelched that small fire telling me to do something. I teared up right there at my desk as I confessed and repented yet again.

Thank God he doesn't depend on me to help other people. Like Jonah, I'm constantly running the other way in my own understanding and I never seem to get it. But I have confidence that I will also be belched up on the scorching sands and end up right where he wants me in spite of myself. I'd just be very happy to stay out of the whalebelly for a little while. Even still I know that it is in the belly that the old is digested away. In the fire of this belly that the refining takes place and though I hate it and hate myself when I fail, I can quickly rejoice in it. Not a happy rejoicing like I used to misunderstand. It's a sad somber powerful rejoicing that God's power is manifest in my ineptitude.

I know it makes no sense. We seem a twisted masochistic bunch, we Christians, to those who haven't yet been burned through. To most people it is no wonder we've been mistaken for everything from cannibals to orgiasts.

God help me to listen, beat me over the head with your words, and help me learn fast. Break me, mold me, use me.

Working

This absolutely drives me crazy: "if we only all lived like God wants the world would be fixed." and the corollary, "if I really want to follow Christ I have to pull myself up by the straps and get out there and fix the world!" This is crap. I'm sorry. It is. It is unbiblical. It is unChristlike.

I'm not saying we shouldn't do good works. What I'm saying is that it isn't the works that do anything. That's like saying the bread makes the wheat. The good works that are associated with Christianity come from a reworking of one's mind. They are done because they couldn't be otherwise. It isn't up to us to just get off the couch and go do them. If our hearts were right, we'd be off the couch and we'd be doing them. No amount of motivational speaking or guilt, or string pulling will change someone's heart. Sure you can manipulate people into doing things. People can even manipulate themselves into doing them. But that kind of good work happens in Buddhist culture, in Muslim culture, in Hindu, even in pagan, stone-age, and secular cultures. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Let's keep that straight.

Secondly, Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. To turn families against each other. To turn things upside down. He didn't come to fix the world. To think this is to think exactly as the Jews thought their Messiah would do...as many Jews still think their Messiah will do. Just listen to Matisyahu. Admirable, yes, worth thinking about, yes, but this isn't what Jesus taught. Plus if all it took was for us to get our act together, don't you think we'd have made more progress in the 2000 years Christianity has been around?

So what did Jesus teach? He taught that the Kingdom of God was within us. That it was at hand. He taught turning from our old ways. He taught spiritual life. The kingdom of God is spiritual. It's about revolutionizing the soul.

I firmly believe in a physical resurrection. I am confident that when true reality is revealed we'll see just how solid and tangible it is. Just how literal many of the statements in the Bible actually are. But I don't believe for a second that we can move one inch closer to a utopia in this world. I believe this world is burning to hell. Passing away. Spinning into entropy. It isn't going to get better. It isn't going to get much worse either. It's dead. It is what it is. It is only by renewing of the mind and regenerating of the soul that we have any hope. And this is not something we do. Sorry. It isn't.

I know because I am the jerk. I am the calloused insensitive Stranger from Camus' cautionary tale. I was the Trenchcoat Mafia before it had a name. Tell me to work for justice, and I am Rorshach waiting to happen. I have seen the depths of human indifference and didn't care. I have hated every living breathing thing with venom. I have dreamed of fire and destruction and blood and woke smiling. But people don't believe this about me. Guess what. It isn't me your seeing. What you see is the change Christ has made. I didn't do it. You won't either. So don't give me that "if we only" crap. I give you, "Hoshana!" God save!

Several Thoughts

Lately, I've had several thoughts that I haven't been able to distill into a blog. So I thought I'd stream them out and see if something shows up. Maybe it will end up a jumble of independent ideas.

The first was about stubbornness. I was struck that this may be at the root of much of our ills. It started when I was thinking and praying about a person I know and my offer to help them. But they'd probably never let me know even though they are obviously distressed quite a bit. This is very common among people. We don't want to be a burden, we feel we should be able to handle it. We are afraid, lazy, make excuses, doubt their genuineness, etc. I'm the same. So as I was contemplating what to do about it, if anything, it hit me that it was really perhaps just plain stubbornness. We want things to go differently, someone offers to help, and we insist that it must go differently in a different way. What else is this but stubbornness. I am very obstinate myself sometimes, so I wondered how many good things I've missed, how many pains I've endured unnecessarily simply because I didn't or wouldn't take the help that was offered. Of course the other side of this is that we can be too moochy, but I'm not talking about that extreme.

Next, I was struck at a different time recently with the image of emptying a cup to fill it. I don't even remember where the image came from, but I've seen it used in various places. We want things in our life. Things we can't get for ourselves for whatever reason. These are things we pray for if that is our bent. Even if we deny God, we often want him to do things nonetheless...but that's a different discussion. Suffice to say that many of us pray and pray for things and they never happen. But I have experienced many times that as soon as I give something of myself, there is provision waiting right then and there in perhaps another area altogether that I have been seeking. So, the image of the cup. The Bible says that it will be filled to the brim. If this is true, there would be no room for more. It would only be in pouring some out that more could be added. I am reminded of a great illustration once that I saw in which two men stood on a stage with a bag of seed and poured it into a cup. The speaker was frantically running around trying to find people to take the seed so he could keep catching more. The faster he ran the more kept coming from the huge sack. But when he stopped running, the flow slowed and stopped. It was an exponential reaction to what appeared an arithmetic problem. And it stuck in my brain.

I've also recently encountered, at every turn it seems, the concept of giving up oneself or life. Not bits and pieces, but entirely. This is a two part thing, the way it happens and the message itself. I've noticed this a lot in my life. And whether it is that my mind is just set to cue in on a certain message, or that the message actually occurs before me in greater frequency, the effect is the same and the difference is moot. Both would be equally supernatural. I've learned to listen closer when this happens and try to understand. It doesn't take much, the message is usually beat over my head. People complain that God doesn't speak clearly...but he does. Impeccably clearly. They just don't understand his language. They also don't understand his economy and ecology. The God of the universe set it to work in a certain way. From that consistency we can learn much about him. One of the things I've learned is that he is supremely efficient. There is no waste. Each person living out their own personal story, designed entirely to bring them to the place of truth and understanding. There is no randomness. There is no luck, no chance. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that God would use this method to speak to us. It fits his nature to orchestrate in beautifully complex yet paradoxically simple ways. If we have ears to hear it.

So back to the message itself, this time it has been about letting go. About giving up life, dreams, safety, security, everything, for the truth we seek. We don't do this. I don't do this. This message is for me. Certainly it is for others as well, but that is their story not mine, so I won't speak to it now. I mentioned before that I was told this was the year of my death, and this message fits a bit too neatly. It has been bombarding me. Obviously I'm not ready for what is coming yet, but I can feel it approaching. The crazy thing is I'm looking so forward to it, whatever it is! It resonates deep down inside me. Like this thing I knew all along I was built for is coming...call it destiny. I just can't wait until that is manifest in whatever way that will be, I know it will be the fulfillment of everything I've hoped for.

Which leads to me last thought. How can I think this? How can I be excited about something so utterly unknown and potentially dangerous? Have I no self-preservation? Do I have a death-wish? Believe me, the little lawyer in my head attacks every nook and chink in this constantly. But what steadies me is that I know I am not alone. There are so many people throughout history and still today who think like this. Some can't articulate it. Others express it differently. This is what it means to be a Christian. To follow Christ. It is a strange mystical thing that happens. I know there is all kinds of crap and festoonings around what we call Christianity. But down in it, those of us who know, know. It's illogical, it's not even sane by the usual definitions. But there is some deep, primal, soul-pulling, dancing, screaming, crying, laughing thing that goes crazy inside at the very inkling, the very hope of moving closer to the object of this devotion and nothing, nothing, nothing can swerve it, compare to it, or stand in the way of it. It's beyond life as we know it. It's supra-life, supra-natural. This is Christianity. If you know it as something else, keep looking cause you haven't found it yet.

Something Happened

OK, so things always happen. But I mean a particular something pertinent to what I last wrote about. I don't believe by a long shot that it is all that will happen related to that. and of course the high from it has worn off significantly that I can write about it in a somewhat collected fashion.

Basically, I finally decided to listen to a prodding voice inside. The kind of thing I try often not to listen to. But this time I just did it. I was supported by some I know and a few I don't know, but what resulted was nothing short of absolute confirmation of the Contemplative belief that God is always speaking. Confirmation that many of the things he says in the Bible are true.

And to take the mystery out, I am not going to say exactly what it was that I did because it is far too personal to me and to the others involved. If you were party to it, then you already know and if you weren't then the details are not important. If that isn't good enough for you, then you're just being nosy.

Anyway, I first had an overwhelming preoccupation about this particular social issue. Then because of turns of events, the issue became a more acute problem. And I was unable to let it go. I consulted some trusted people and got some very good feedback. I prayed a lot, and I listened for an answer. Then the solution popped into my mind and I took it for one of my usual crazy notions...my attempts to work out a plan to get where God was showing rather than waiting to see how he got me there.

I'll take a sidebar here because I'm not sure if everyone experiences this. It is common for God to show me where I am headed in a general sort of longer distance view. But the details are not usually clear. That's where the trust comes in.

Anyway, I ignored it, but the nagging ache wouldn't let up. At the same time, that convergence feeling continued. Other people who were unrelated to the issue spoke to it in that weird way that God has of orchestrating the universe. and finally I decided to do it. So I committed myself in a way that I couldn't back away from easily. I tried to rehearse things in my mind to be prepared, but nothing would stick, so I left it that God would have to give me the words. On the way to the appointed time, someone came to me and said that he had been told to pray for me and was. I realized that he was yet more support converging. I told him I understood why, but I would tell him after, further committing myself still.

At the appointed time, I dug my will in and made the leap. I was there fully exposed waiting, and not a half second later the other person began to cry. I thought it was over, but then she explained that she had been asking God for this for so long and why. Wow!

Problem solved. Issue resolved. And other problems I knew nothing about resolved because of it. I have thought this over since and have remembered times when I was not so afraid to step out like that. But now that is reconfirmed. I will listen to those voices from now on. I will try my very best not to get on a trip about it and start going off half-cocked. I think I am circumspect enough for that at this stage in my life. But I will not ever doubt again that God will not forsake his own. That he orders the very universe to coincide when he gives us a job to do. The seas will part, the sky will split, and opposition will melt.

When he commands, all we have to do is jump and run. He truly goes before and behind and opens the way.