Aha!

A while ago I mentioned briefly this feeling I've had at times in churches when I try to let go.  There's two reactions: uncontrollable crying and desire to tear the place up.  This happens when I try to open up to God in the service.  Not every time, but a lot of the time.  See usually, I sit quietly, but feel a bit like I have to strap myself in the seat...restrain myself you could say.  So I have various techniques for doing it.  Over the years they've become habitual and I don't really think about them that much.  This lets me get through the service without making some kind of scene. But when I decide to see if God is doing something; open myself up to whatever He has in that moment.  These are often the reactions I get.  I have never known why.

In the last post that mentioned it, I ended up going off in another direction and never explored it.  But then today, I tried again as I watched all these people doing similar behaviors, one arm raised, head to the side, swaying to the music, hands clutched to chest, etc.  I was thinking, is this just mimicry picked up from watching others and assuming that's what it looks like to have a spiritual experience of worship, or is it something universally real that I am missing?  So I opened myself and asked God to tell me what He was doing.  I felt the old desire to tear the place up!  So I quickly shut it down...but not before the thought hit me in connection with a recent Facebook post I made which quoted a modern adaptation of Isaiah 1:11-17.  I had posted it after reading it because it affected me so dramatically at the moment.  This connection was fleeting, but lingered long enough to make me question...am I really connecting with God's heart here?

Is my desire to tear up the place coming from His sorrow and frustration at the facade of religion that obscures who He is?  This is not unfounded.  Jesus tore up the temple courts in Jerusalem for the same reason.  There are many verses in the Bible where God expresses his displeasure at this very thing and the destruction it would cause.  Could the tears also be the other side of that coin?  Anger is just an expression of hurt, as is sorrow.  We feel both at the same time on many occasions.  Since our image is God's it follows that He feels it the same way.

So I delved a little deeper into that feeling and discovered that there isn't any malice in it.  I don't want to hurt people; I don't even have any ill will.  I just want to tear out the facade.  So I thought, what would I say if I did it?  This is what I discovered:

I would charge the stage, take the mic and as I set about tearing apart the decorations and apparati, I'd ask everyone if God was real to them.  Is He really real to them?  Is this all they expect?  Wake up and for once follow their hearts fully!  Let's see God really show up then and there!  I'd jump across the rows of chairs toward any person who responded, climb the light fixtures and rafters and bring the place into chaos.

No doubt most people would be terrified and I'd probably be tackled and drug out screaming...but if God did show up, there would be a moment like Pentacost...the real deal, not the equally fakey occurrences that happen weekly amongst groups of the pentacostal bent.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever longed for something so real and hated the falsity of anything less?  Have you felt things inside you that you aren't sure where they come from?  If so, don't settle. You're not alone and perhaps even less alone than you think.

At the Eye

It's amazing how much can swirl around us. Thoughts, emotions, ideas. Most seem pretty much meaningless. I'm hoping there's a point in here somewhere, so let's see if it comes out.

Earthquakes and Tsunamis wracking Japan. Nuclear meltdown threat. Japanophiles everywhere rushing to make websites and raise money and go help. These are all pretty meaningless acts in themselves. We don't even know the extent of the damage yet. Going there is the last thing a disaster wracked county needs...hundreds of half-illiterate, barely-communicative foreign crash-tourists streaming in with no place to stay while you are trying to get streets cleared, restore power, prevent nuclear devastation, find dead and dying, and restore some semblance of normal life. Plus, it isn't like it's an impoverished nation. Not only is Japan's emergency management I dare say better than the US, they have the help of the US and every major relief organization in the world as well. Bad, yes. Sad, yes. So pray, find out about your friends and family, and don't be stupid.

There was a time when I longed for the destruction of everything. I wanted to see all the wrongs set right, the rebirth. I didn't care about the suffering or pain that might cause. I think that comes from being in a deadened state myself. Now I see the fear and pain that such destruction brings and it hurts me. Now that I would not see that sort of end to things, I have a feeling I am going to see more and more of it. I'm not making predictions about the Second Coming, just saying that I have always been drawn to apocalypse and have felt that I may live to see one. Whether this is The Apocalypse or merely the demise of a culture, I don't know. But regardless of my feelings about it, there is nothing for it but to walk it out. I trust beyond myself.

I have recently encountered a situation where I am learning to love someone through a very (for me) unlovable situation. It challenges me at every state, but I won't let it go until I am told to do so. If there is hope of seeing God's truth dawn on this soul, I am willing to do what I am given to do. This person sees on such a small level, and thinks everything fits that neat little package. What he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is so much more complex in many ways and so much simpler in others. It is a challenge for me to stay true to my beliefs without crushing those tender shoots of truth through my heavy-handedness, and without being influenced into something I do not believe.

At work, things continue to swirl, as change without hope of improvement continues. I have often said that it is a pessimizing business I am in. Being aware of legitimate information about the state of our society, being charged with helping to change it for the better, and constantly being suspected of some uncouthness from both sides. I found out today that yet again, I was cut out of a dealing which is entirely within my realm of responsibility. And I was cut out intentionally by my immediate supervisor. I will bring it up with him, even though he hates confrontation. I cannot abide being patronized or muffled. Trust me to do my job or tell me openly not to. Don't try to sneak around me and then tell me to continue doing the 'great job' I am doing while you subvert what I am working for. Every other country I have contact with seems to be doing a better job at what I do than this one. In those places, what I do is respected and brought to the table, if not prioritized. Here I fight on both sides. What's worst about this is that it forces me to operate on my own. I cannot discuss and cooperate because no one in my loop wants to hear it. The best I can do is commiserate with the few others in my boat.

Pollen is swirling again. I didn't have such reactions to it just a few years ago. Now it's worse. Here it's worse. Doctors say it's normal for those things to change over time, and usually for the worse before they get better. But I am healthier than ever and have trouble accepting this. I suspect pollution from industrial chemicals and air pollution have either irritated me (and countless others) to the point that we can't tolerate this minor natural irritant, or that the irritant itself has become more potent as a result of contact with these toxic compounds ala Nausiccaa. I bounce through phases during this season of just resorting to medicine every day, and then fearing side effects (or actually having them) or philosophically hating the concept of daily medication. It twists me up until at last the season is over. Thankfully so far we've had some rain which helps. Hopefully this mercy will continue.

In weaker moments I have issues with dissipation. I am a sheepdog. When I connect on a real level, I can't let it go without much suffering. Which is why I rarely allow myself to connect like that. Yet I have watched so many people just walk away from what I thought was real and valuable. Not that all cases are people walking away from Good, some are clearly a walking toward Good for that person...I guess I just feel left out. Like I have just run over to a friend's house to share the new toy we had talked about so often just in time to see him run away to play with other friends and I'm not invited. Honestly, I wouldn't go even if asked because those friends share something I not a part of. I would simply be the tag along. But this is a feeling I've felt most of my life at various points. I wish at least sometimes, someone would run over to my house. Choose to play with me this time. Unless I organize it, I rarely ever see any friends.

But I can see the calm center in this storm of circumstances. I rely too much on circumstances. This is the problem. I am being taught to place my whole hope and trust in the one eternal thing. The one thing which meets all needs. The one thing which so thankfully is not a what but a who. It's a bittersweet process. All emotions rolled together into a tumult with a calm center like a cyclone. Desire truly is the root of all suffering...but that doesn't mean we should stop desiring altogether. Desire simply needs to be for the right things. The eternal things that do not disappoint.

Yet I am often lonely and sorrowful. Brother Lawrence says that I can find mystical joy if I focus entirely on what pleases the object of my desire. I am not even to try too hard for this, but to relax in my ineptitude and allow God who can fulfill all needs to do so in me. I must trust that my pitiful and whiny struggles are my portion of the sufferings of Christ. All will be well. In complete surrender is freedom. In losing myself, I find myself. God I adore you.

Working

This absolutely drives me crazy: "if we only all lived like God wants the world would be fixed." and the corollary, "if I really want to follow Christ I have to pull myself up by the straps and get out there and fix the world!" This is crap. I'm sorry. It is. It is unbiblical. It is unChristlike.

I'm not saying we shouldn't do good works. What I'm saying is that it isn't the works that do anything. That's like saying the bread makes the wheat. The good works that are associated with Christianity come from a reworking of one's mind. They are done because they couldn't be otherwise. It isn't up to us to just get off the couch and go do them. If our hearts were right, we'd be off the couch and we'd be doing them. No amount of motivational speaking or guilt, or string pulling will change someone's heart. Sure you can manipulate people into doing things. People can even manipulate themselves into doing them. But that kind of good work happens in Buddhist culture, in Muslim culture, in Hindu, even in pagan, stone-age, and secular cultures. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Let's keep that straight.

Secondly, Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace but a sword. To turn families against each other. To turn things upside down. He didn't come to fix the world. To think this is to think exactly as the Jews thought their Messiah would do...as many Jews still think their Messiah will do. Just listen to Matisyahu. Admirable, yes, worth thinking about, yes, but this isn't what Jesus taught. Plus if all it took was for us to get our act together, don't you think we'd have made more progress in the 2000 years Christianity has been around?

So what did Jesus teach? He taught that the Kingdom of God was within us. That it was at hand. He taught turning from our old ways. He taught spiritual life. The kingdom of God is spiritual. It's about revolutionizing the soul.

I firmly believe in a physical resurrection. I am confident that when true reality is revealed we'll see just how solid and tangible it is. Just how literal many of the statements in the Bible actually are. But I don't believe for a second that we can move one inch closer to a utopia in this world. I believe this world is burning to hell. Passing away. Spinning into entropy. It isn't going to get better. It isn't going to get much worse either. It's dead. It is what it is. It is only by renewing of the mind and regenerating of the soul that we have any hope. And this is not something we do. Sorry. It isn't.

I know because I am the jerk. I am the calloused insensitive Stranger from Camus' cautionary tale. I was the Trenchcoat Mafia before it had a name. Tell me to work for justice, and I am Rorshach waiting to happen. I have seen the depths of human indifference and didn't care. I have hated every living breathing thing with venom. I have dreamed of fire and destruction and blood and woke smiling. But people don't believe this about me. Guess what. It isn't me your seeing. What you see is the change Christ has made. I didn't do it. You won't either. So don't give me that "if we only" crap. I give you, "Hoshana!" God save!