The Key

About 6 months ago I was running in the woods, as usual.  I had been doing this for a long time with my car key in my pocket.  Then I started to consider if I lost it, I'd have to pay for a new chipped key.  So I had a door key made for just a few dollars.  I had this in my pocket on this day.

I ran deep into the swamp and found a comfortable spot where I stopped for a rest, sitting on the ground.  After a few minutes I got up and made my way out of the swamp and back to the trail.  Keep in mind, that running in the swamp is not like running on a road.  You can watch one of my videos to see exactly what it looks like, but there is a lot of shifting foot work, jumping, vaulting, crawling, etc.  So I carry as few things as possible and check for them frequently.

Eventually, I reached the last big tree of my course where I usually jump from.  Upon rolling to my feet, I touched my pocket to see if the key was still there and it wasn't.  My spirits sank and I looked around on the ground.  I looked carefully, then swept leaves.  Then widened the search.  Then looked again.  It was not there.  Had I checked for it at all the other usual points?  I must not have!  So I turned back to retrace my steps.  Hopefully it was not lost off trail.

I was nearly done with the run, so I had about 7km to retrace and it was getting later in the day.  I didn't find it at any of the points on the trail, so I sighed as I realized it must have been off trail.  I knew where I had left the trail, but following the exact path would be nearly impossible.  So I prayed again for help to find it, like I had found my wedding ring years before.

In that story, my ring had slipped off in cold blackwater while diving for work.  Blackwater, if you don't know, is extremely tannic such that you literally can't see your hand in front of your face.  I watched the silver flash flip downward into obscurity.  I tried to dive for it, but couldn't see, so I gave it for lost.  My coworker insisted we try to find it.  So we left and returned nearly an hour later after haggling with a dive shop to loan us a powerful light.  With the light secured against mishap with a rope, I tried again.  Even that tremendously bright light only illuminated a narrow beam in the eternal black 3 meters down.  But I scanned the leaf litter slowly and miraculously saw a glint.  I carefully scooped it up like Smeagol finding the One and surfaced with it clenched in my outstretched hand!  The chances of finding it after such a length of time in such dark water with such a current were minuscule.  So if God could allow that, he could help me again.

But quickly I lost the trail.  Was it this log or that log? If this one, was it here or three feet to the left?  There was no key.  Soon I lost all sense of my path, so I just went back to the point I'd left the trail.

I continued the search in hopes that I might have lost it on the early part of the run, but that didn't seem likely.  I was pretty sure I'd had it when I left the trail the first time.  It must have either bounced out of my pocket, or fallen out when I sat down.  That seemed most likely.  I didn't usually do that, so I might not have checked my pocket when I got up.

The next challenge was getting home.  This place is not so much of a park, as a dirt lot with access to public land.  There's no phone.  No houses near.  It was a weekday evening, so hopefully I'd run into someone in the parking lot who could call my wife.  If not, I'd have to run across the road and 4 km down the drive on the other side to get to a ranger station.

Providentially, I spotted a couple out for an evening jog.  I saw that they had phones strapped on for training.  I explained my situation and asked if I could borrow one.  They obliged and my wife started to come with the spare key.

I thanked the people and resumed my search now having run double what I normally do.  A couple others saw my searching demeanor and asked if I was ok.  I told them and they promised to put the key in the trail box if they found it.  But I knew they wouldn't.

After getting out I had immediately had another door key made, which I now tie around my waist on a strong cord, tuck in my pants, and still check constantly.  But it's not in my nature to forget something like this. So even though I had given up all hope of finding it, I continued to check the trail box for several weeks after.  I even tried to go retrace the path a couple times and see if I could miraculously luck up on the spot and find the key.  Of course I didn't find it.

So then I was running again this week and thought of the key once or so.  I knew it was still out there somewhere in the vast swamp.  Perhaps the trophy of a crow or raccoon or other animal that likes shiny objects.  Wouldn't it be weird if I saw it like that, I thought?  Stuck in nest, or hanging from a bird's beak as it flew past.  Unlikely, but not at all impossible.

Toward the end of my run as I was getting fatigued, I climbed the last tree with the perfect perch from which to leap off.  I jumped and rolled over my left shoulder, then reclimbed to roll over my weaker right.  I have recently had to change trajectory because I've worn out the landing spot and roots were painful.  I overextended the jump a bit and came out of the roll a little awkward, further into the trail than usual.  As momentum carried me to my feet, I looked between them, and square in the middle of my black shoes, pointing down the trail was a silver key with black end.  I instantly thought my cord had come untied, but found the key secure in its place.  I grabbed the key on the ground in astonishment.  It looked just like mine.  It couldn't be!

I pulled the corded key out of my waistband and compared them.  No way!  It was MY LOST KEY!  How?  I looked everywhere here!  How could it have lasted six months right in the trail!  Had someone picked it up by chance and dropped it here?  What are the chances of that?  Had an animal truly returned it to me?  Most likely, I had dropped it in this place.  But how had it remained through driving summer rains, rapid bicycles, and countless feet, only to pop to the surface right between the feet of the very one person who had lost it?

Like any occurrence of this type, the skeptic (and I am usually with you), will ascribe it to chance.  The sap will call it a miracle.  I don't go that far.  I ascribe it to the everyday sort of mysteries in which the unseen intrudes into our mundane worlds.  The Majik, to coin a word.

These small intrusions of a greater reality are, for me, the most exciting thing.  Small love notes from a Father who says, "I am here." in a personal way that most others will not even perceive or understand.  It is a private message, like a note scribbled on a napkin in a lunchbox, meant only for my eyes, and bolstering my trust and love.

It also illustrates another principle.  That he is most truly God of the lost.  There is nothing so small that it falls from his attention, and it returns in the most unlooked for ways.  If he can save something as trivial as my lost key and bring it back to me so perfectly, so precisely, after I had given up as an irksome memory of my inattention, I can never assume anything is truly lost.  Though I may seem irrevocably far from it in space, time, or understanding it is not gone from him.  As Steve Taylor so eloquently put it, "Misfits lost in the dryer take heart; God's got a place for us in Sock Heaven."

 I think this is, well...key.

Colors

Every once in a while the media frenzy of the day gets to me in a way that I want to add my two cents to the conversation.  So that's what this is.  But I will start by telling you what this is not.

This is not the extent of my opinions.  You should never assume you have me pegged based on what I say here.  This is not an assessment of current events.  I am not commenting on something I have no direct knowledge of.  That would be ignorant foolishness.

So I want to talk about how this does affect me: colors.  Namely skin colors as a means of defining ourselves and others.  Has anyone else noticed that this whole controversy has tacitly accepted the distinction of "black" and "white"?  It's a given in the argument.  It's an unstated assumption.  The two groups exist and are different.

I emphatically disagree with that.  I am calling the assumptions into question. 

Let alone the stupid nature of the terms which don't accurately reflect reality.  I know very few people who are actually white or black in color.  We're all a greater or lesser degree of tanish brown.  Where do we draw the line?  I know "blacks" who are paler than me and "whites" who are far darker.  And I don't mean people of one ethnicity who identify culturally with the other.  I mean actual African genomed people with pale skin and the reverse.

But even accepting the words as cultural markers, they are nothing more than something we assume.  We all know examples of the "crossovers" who identify more with the culture of the color they are not.  But then there's those in the middle, of various ethnic descents, etc. who don't fit in either.  For many of us, the cultural lines are not drawn based on color, they just aren't.  There's multiple colors in the same culture.  So it's not nearly as fixed as some would have it seem.

But to go a step further in denouncing the differences, I know many people who identify themselves as distinctly "white" even wearing the racist history as a badge of honor, and many "blacks" who are all chip-on-their-shoulder types.  But you know what?  They eat similar foods.  They view things in similar ways, only with a color swap. Soul Food and Southern Cooking are EXACTLY THE SAME THING!  The only difference is the cut of meat...and sometimes not even that.  A poor ignorant "white" says the same things about "blacks" that a poor ignorant "black" is saying about "whites".  I've experienced this first hand, each oblivious that they were saying the same things about the other group.  But they're sooo different!  It's ridiculous!

People are people.  We have different cultures.  We have different styles and different ways of talking.  But at the root, we all care about the same things.  We are not that different.  To draw a line based on some hazy definition of skin color is to establish a lie around which many evils spring up...as we're seeing right now.

So I refuse to accept the assumption.  I grant that many people do.  But that is the only reason it exists.  And every time we tacitly accept it, we reinforce it.  But every time we refuse it, we tear a bit of that lie down.  So I'm telling you that for me and my house, we will not, do not, use color as an identifying characteristic.  Not even culturally.

And I'm asking you to do the same.  Strike it from your vocabulary!  It will be stilted until you get used to it.  People around you will still use it.  But YOU don't.  Don't let your kids.  Don't fill it out on forms.  Erase it.  Insist on it.  Play dumb when people try to use it with you. "White?  That girl in the white shirt?  Oh you mean the guy with lighter skin up there? Is that who you mean?"  Decide on it right now.  And if you feel those tendencies of your past way of thinking creeping in, reject them and consciously look on people with fresh eyes.  This is the only way it will go away.  Take the power out from under it.  You'll have to think about people in new ways.  You'll find it gets easier with time until you truly don't see the distinctions you once did.

Don't perpetuate this evil.  End it now as far as your sphere of influence reaches.

Stolen or Lost

As often happens, I'm jumping off from something someone said who may actually read this.  If that's you, or you know who it is, please note that I am being careful to divorce the statement from the person.  As I've stated before, I'm dealing with ideas in this blog, which are the things the internet is made of, and not attacking people.  Truthfully, the statement is nothing more than a point of departure that got me thinking.  So I'm thankful for that and move on in the spirit of healthy salonic discussion and the "you" I address below is not that person, but a strawman I've set up for express purposes of tearing down. (that's actually what 'strawman' means, though people rarely use it correctly.)

So what is this now much anticipated statement?  That God wants his church back.  Yeah, that's it.  If you're let down, you obviously don't read this blog much.  At first, my reaction was "Who took it?"  Who could take it?  Is That-Than-Which-Nothing-Greater-Can-Be-Conceived so easily thwarted that anything which is His could be taken, stolen, or lost?

Now, of course, I get the statement.  I know how it was intended: as a clever way to describe a truth.  So no big deal.  But it lingered.  So as I pondered why, I came to see this as a symptom of the very kind of thinking which has led to the problem being addressed in the first place.  That problem is a lack of true relationship, true following of God's Reality.  See, I know several people right now who are on this journey away from the institutionalized church.  They call it different names, but this has been a grand revelation for them.  I'm happy for them and supportive.  I really am, because I am quite frankly tired of being out here in the woods by myself...both metaphorically and physically.  But more importantly, as one who came through this path myself, I get it.  I know the jaw dropping joy and boundless, sometimes sickening freedom of it.  Come on and catch up so we can move on together!  I hope these thoughts help.

But it's important to recognize that this is not a new thing.  It's not a "move of God."  Honestly, you gotta drop that kind of vocabulary altogether, bro.  God doesn't move like that.  Isn't that what you're waking up to?  His work hasn't been constrained to the various human institutions that come and go.  Sure he's moved through them, but not because of any thing they were.  Not because of anything they 'got right'.  To say so is just a deeper layer of the Pharisaical doctrines that Jesus was so against.  They'd taken the truth and twisted it to their own purposes.  Blind guides.

No God only moves one way.  It's the same way he always moves.  It's the way that Jesus came to show us, and the reason so few in his generation got it.  What were they expecting?  A hero.  A Warrior King.  A Righteous Ruler to wield true Divine Authority and set right all that was wrong.  They got this from their scriptures, just like we get our fallacies.

But what was Jesus?  Not that!  He said over and over, the Kingdom of God is not what men think.  It's within.  It's spiritual.  It's unseen.  He didn't overthrow society, he stepped out of it while staying right in it.  He crossed planes and walked right by those who thought they had it figured out.  The ruler who failed; that's him on the surface.  Just another radical who died.

You see where I'm going with this?  But what he did was change people on the inside.  He made them different.  He healed what was broken at the deepest levels.  I'll say it again, God only moves one way.  And that way is the way he's always moved: in the hearts of each individual person.  In those deep places where our own internal eye can barely see.  That's where he does his work.

Everything that occurs on the physical level is just a manifestation of this change.  A projection of a mutlidimensional existence into 3 dimensions.  It all comes from that.  On our own, we can't keep from getting the cart first.

So, remember that while this may be new to you, and the greatest thing ever.  It is...to you.  But you aren't the first, not even the early generation, man.  We had these same 'movements' in the mid '90's.  Right down to the house churches and all, bro.  I'm not saying their bad.  Walk your walk out.  You can't be expected anywhere on the path but where you are.  But realize things are just well in God's Kingdom.  They've never been shaken by winds of change in the world.  No one can take God's church, man.  He can't lose it either.  What was lost is us.  What's coming back is you.  What he's changing is your mind, not the world.  you thought you knew how it worked, but you've learned better now.

Read more old books.  Rome had it.  18th century France had it.  19th century England had it.  Early 20th century Europe had it.  Same abuses, same institutions painted in the fashions of the day.  And the same people realizing what's real and what isn't.  The same people awakening to what you are feeling now.

I know it's tough to shed old habits, and you'll probably get it wrong for many more years.  I'm just a little further down the path myself, so I'll be a different person soon too.  But one thing I can see from my view of the bend that you haven't gotten to yet is the lack of the preachy interaction.  Man, everything you learn isn't a revelation for everyone else.  Heed it.  Share it for sure.  But know, you aren't always gonna be at the head of the charge.  In truth, you never really were.  You just thought so, bro.

Now, jog on up here and let's go further up and further in together!

Fall where they may

Last entry,  I was struggling with the idea of evangelism.  I figured I needed study to settle my head.  So I took action.  I talked to a trusted friend who counsels me on lots of things.  He told me that he agrees with my approach, but he's also taken flac for it.  But he also told me he's seen others who took the more direct approach.  The proof is in the results...or the fruit, to use the Biblical analogy.

He also reminded me that there are different gifts, and though some groups try to cite the Great Commission as the bottom line of Christianity, it isn't necessarily that way.  Certainly we all have some level of responsibility to share our faith, but that there is a specific gift mentioned for Evangelism.  This reminded me of the discussion about various parts of one body.  How we are built to function as complementary parts, not all the same parts.  So in my mind, this necessarily disproves the interpretation that the Great Commission is the prime directive for every Christian.

Then I also talked to a friend who shares my faith but from a different part of the house.  He came at it from a different denomination, and then switched to one yet further down the hall from the one I came from.  So he helped me understand how those groups interpret the parts of the Bible that I was struggling with.

Then I reread a book (So you Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore) that had first gave me confidence to fully step out of the room I had been raised in.  I had poked my head out and looked up and down the hall of the wide house of Christian views, even looked int the windows of some other rooms.  But this book convinced me I needed to walk out of the one I was in.  I picked up several things I hadn't noticed before and reaffirmed the decision.  This served to help cut a few of the subtler cords that I hadn't fully broken yet.

And from there, I looked up one of the authors and found a podcast (The Jesus Lens) on interpreting the Bible as a chronicle of redemptive flow through time. The story of God's pursuit and salvation of humanity that culminated in Jesus, but continues through to this day and will progressively flow on to the end of time.  It was extremely enlightening to walk through every book this way.  I don't want to provide a cursory summary that will let a reader feel they got the idea and don't need to do the study themselves, so suffice to say this approach resolves many of the contradictory elements such as the nature of God in the Old Testament vs the New and the discrepancies in tone and approach of the New Testament writers themselves, which I mentioned as an issue last time.  I've heard many explanations for these problems, but this one is the best and most unified, to me.  So check it out if you're interested.

By this point, I was feeling more confident, so I even went through and looked up every verse that talks about the Word of God or Word of the Lord.  Actually, I looked up every instance of the word 'word'.  It's over 400 verses.  But I noticed two things:  they never refer to the written word, the scriptures, or the Bible itself.  Honestly, they couldn't refer to the Bible because it wasn't compiled until like 300 years after the last books were written.  But it never even refers to the Hebrew Law or Prophets.  These are always called out as writings.  The Word of God always refers to a live message or a person...seriously a person.  In some cases it says the Word of the Lord came to someone and said... and then the person replies.  So there's a conversation between entities here.  This is consistent with what John writes about the Word becoming flesh.

So I looked up the Hebrew and Greek words used.  'Dabar' in Hebrew and 'logos' is Greek.  They both refer to the written word only by extension.  The real meaning is the content.  They mean an issuance of information, a revelation in the strict sense.  So this just blew my head apart!  My whole life I'd been taught that the Bible was the Word of God.  Even as a toddler we'd sung songs about it.  But it's totally untrue!

In my excitement, I posted this on Facebook, which of course brought a little controversy.  But surprisingly, many people were not shocked.  So, I felt like Shinji Ikari emerging from his Instrumentality.  When it finally clicks, he finds himself standing amongst a host of people, who have also arrived there, clapping and congratulating him.

So now, I don't claim to have a better interpretation.  I truly feel confident in saying I know to be true what I already felt to be true.  And the burden of getting the right system down has been lifted.  I'm sure I don't have it totally right, but I have taken another giant step in learning to LIVE (alive, living) relationship with God.  And I am more comfortable with how to best deal with others at various points on the same road.

Because we ARE all on the same road.  Know it or not.  Believe it or not.  And I can now show you how the Bible demonstrates this.  And if I'm wrong, that's ok.  You can't convince me until my time is ripe, and I can't convince you until yours is.  So it's best to leave that job to the one who is capable of fixing us both.  Will people abuse this freedom, misinterpret what I'm saying?  Absolutely!  They already are, and have (I'm not the first to arrive here).  But potential for abuse doesn't mean we alter, negate, or hide the truth...as if we really could anyway.

Toss up

So, here's a question I wrestle with.  What exactly is the good news?  I've blogged it before and I still believe that.  But the crux of it this time is more about how that should be walked out.  I grew up steeped in Evengelicalism.  I'm still not too far away from it, since we tend to orbit around the gravitational centers of our upbringing.  Though I feel more like a comet than an inner planet these days.

My struggle is this:  Evangelicals take the very plain text of Paul and others about the Gospel, or good news, which simply says that Christ died and rose again, and then overlay their interpretation of what that means.  The meaning they ascribe is something of the substitutiary atonement thing that this coming and rising atoned for sins and now people can be right with God.  It's all in the Bible.  I've read it all.  I know the theology.  The thing is, it never sits that well as they spin it.

I don't disbelieve it, but I'm not sure they (we, I guess) have it right exactly.  I see a disconnect in the things Paul says and does and the things Jesus says.  I see differences in the things the Apostles say...Peter from Paul, James from both of them.  Again, I know the theology to reconcile them, but I'm not sure it's right.  It never sits well.  Never resonates true in my deep parts.

I'm not even sure how to articulate it.  So I'll ramble.  (This has the makings of a long post, so fair warning.)  Jesus says believe on him, follow him, keep his commandments.  Got it.  But his actions and words are all about doing right, faith in God, forgiveness.  It's a topside down, knife through paper, sort of worldview that rocks the people of his day.  He lifts up prostitutes and adulterers and speaks to people's hearts.  His sermons have a more universal appeal.  He harangues the self-righteous and opens arms wide to heal, meet needs, etc.  It's a big love.  He never asks them to get in line with some theological system.

But then we get into Acts and the Epistles and we get this charge out and argue, win converts, lose your life defending the truth sort of thing.  It's far more political in a sense...or am I missing something?  Maybe I just need to do an in-depth study of some parts to get a better handle on it.  But it seems to me, either these guys are heading in a different direction (though it could be a direction they were sent, as some argue that Jesus' work is different from ours). 

Or we've missed the point of the message the early evangelists preached.  I've heard this approach too.  That we're piecing together a system out of one side of several  conversations addressing discreet issues.

So is it valid to think that Jesus' approach is what the Apostles were using?  In some cases, clearly not.  They were preaching out systematic theology.  Most of Romans is this and it accounts for most of what we call Christianity today.

So when it comes down to it, here's the rub.  I have gone out and "witnessed".  I've used the tracts.  I've used the wordless book and beads.  I've worked the tents at fairs.  And all of it was uncomfortable and hollow.  I felt like it was doing little and I just wanted to stop.  So am I so lost inside that my old nature has that much sway?  If so, I can't change it.  No fake it till you make it for me.  That's living a lie and I've done that too.  I have no choice but to wait until that is fixed within me, despite what the "get out there" people are saying.

But I am totally comfortable with people knowing what I believe.  I explain it, allude to it, talk about it in an easy natural sort of way.  I'll explain theology to people who have an interest.  Listen to people's problems, meet needs (oh this is another peeve I'll get to in a minute), pray for people.  But I don't want to whack them over the head with my beliefs.  I'm not going up to people and cold-cocking them with, "Hey dude, you know what the Bible says about following Jesus?  Let me tell ya!"  I'm not walking the streets looking for people to stop and witness to or pray for or debate with.  Heck, I'll pray for them.  I'll jump right in and meet the need as soon as it's shown to me.  Which brings me to the peeve.  If you're going out and doing any sort of ministry without first meeting the real present needs before you, you've got it backward!  I'm sorry.  You don't need to ask a homeless guy what you can pray for.  It's obvious, man!  Give the dude some food or clothes, or money even (if that won't send him into a bender).  Even regular people.  Just meet the needs, then work on the spirit.  you can't get teh spirit in tune until the animal is cared for.  But too often, Evangelicals are so after the soul part, they walk right over the needs of the moment.

And I have struggled with this for a while.  I once went and talked to a mentor of mine regarding this very thing because I was convinced I needed to start some direct ministry and was even going to abandon my community to "spend the energy on more holy pursuits".  But surprisingly, this person told me I had it all wrong.  He told me I already had my flock.  He cautioned me against what I was thinking for good reasons.  I asked how I make it more Christ focused and he said, "don't."  I was shocked, but it rang clear as a bell in my heart and mind.  I felt the peace about it.  He was right.  It went against my upbringing and theological training.  But he was right.  I should trust my heart over my head if the Spirit Lord is living in me.  When I get confirmation, I should drop anything that isn't in line with it.  But it's hard to do when I'm surrounded by the buzz of the other mess.  My mentor told me that I was to do what I'm doing.  Follow God's leading in the moment.  When he led me to speak, I'd speak.  Otherwise, live it first and foremost.  Serve my community.  My flock.  It's that simple.

And that's what I'm trying to do.  I just wish I could settle my head around these other issues.  Like I said, I think I need a period of intense study to come to terms with it so I won't keep feeling like I'm missing it when people start jawing that other stuff...that isn't wrong necessarily.  Do what you gotta do, man.  But let me do what I gotta do.

System

Most people aren't taught to think critically... to analyze.  I think everyone can to some degree.  I was fortunate to be trained in it from an early age, and then more formally in school.  I have a knack for it I think, so it wasn't hard.

Honestly, it has many benefits.  So I want to describe just a bit of the process.  But I doubt you'll actually take the time to see if it works because discipline is another thing most people lack.

Given any question or situation, you simply think to the next logical conclusion, then go back and identify as many other possible conclusions you could come to.  Then you weigh the liklihood of each.  Followed by the positives and negatives of the most likely. 

See, not that complicated.  The hard part is stepping outside of yourself (your own opinions, programming from school and culture, etc) to see other possibilities.  Of course it will be slow at first, but you'll get faster as you get used to it.

From there, you can expand into longer chains of conclusions, learn to work backward to causes, and even play with variables.  It truly turns the world into an erector set of constructs to play with.

But it isn't just mental gymnastics.  The goal is real world application.  The best illustration of it I've seen is in the Robert Downey, Jude Law Sherlock Holmes movies.  They freeze the film at pivotal moments and play through Holmes' thoughts. Then once he's decided, speed up and watch it play out.  It's just like that.  It happens in milliseconds if you get used to it, but can also be used on longer range things.  It's a type of systems thinking.  It allows you to predict many futures with reasonable accuracy and understand causes from mechanical things to emotions.  And it instills a desire to learn more.  Tools for the toolbox, so to speak.  Anything that helps us better process the massive overload of data our brains are constantly receiving. Most people just let their brains parse it out and it never enters consciousness.

This fact actually allowed me to disappear...to become invisible on several occasions.  If I can process what people are noticing and place myself outside of that, I very truly cease to be there in their minds.  I once walked right up to a friend I happened to see in a mall and took his bags.  I walked full in front of his view and he only saw me once the bags moved from his feet.  Another time, I appeared "magically" in front of a friend who was actually looking for me at a crowded movie theater.  I saw him, but he didn't see me until I stepped into his consciousness.  And I frequently used it to walk right past teachers in school, even as other kids would get stopped.

It's useful in driving because I can lay out a path through shifting traffic.  I have used it at work when I noticed that a certain terrible boss would always issue pointless orders (even though the work was done) as he blew through, but only if we were wearing the teal uniform shirts.  That was his unconscious cue.  So I'd casually slip mine off when I saw him roll in and he'd pass me by every time.  People even commented on it.  I told them, and it worked for them too.  Currently, I often leave a few "easter eggs", let's say, in a document or image I send for review.  This lessens the number of comments I get back because reviewers want to find things.  If they don't, they get pickier.  A few subtle but catchable mistakes, results in less needless overhaul.  Of course it's not perfect.  Sometimes unpredictable happens, but that's part of the game.

Of course, there's a downside, if you get really into it.  It tends to make the world far less stable.  In the long run, this is probably a more truthful view, and therefore better, but it makes security an utter illusion.  At best, our most protective systems only account for the few most obvious scenarios.  So if you take this to heart, get ready to swim in deep water forever.  Dry-ground is going bye-bye in this world.  Also, get prepared for the vast majority of people to not understand you at all.  You'll be labelled as negative, critical, manipulative, weird.  And you will be.  Or at least you'll be perfectly capable of it.  So be prepared to hold a tight moral and ethical compass.

Perception is not reality

I described this to someone recently.  I don't know where it came from originally.  I don't claim credit for inventing it.  She was going to look for it online.  Now she'll find it.

Answer?

Last night, I was thinking about how churches often drive for participation.  I've discussed that on this blog at length.  But as I've alluded, I rarely jump to conclusions.  So even though I am staunchly opposed to coercive participation, when faced with yet another instance of it, I still find myself stepping back, and thinking, "Am I the one who's wrong?"

It's always a possibility.  Especially when one finds the same message occurring repeatedly, it's wise to take note and analyze again.  So, I found myself mulling this over as I went to bed.  Remembrance of times when I've tried to buy in and go with it, only to end in disaster.  Debate amongst messages I've received, verses I know, Truths I hold.

And so, as I tried to turn off, I asked God to show me the answer.  And I fell asleep.

So this morning I awoke with two vivid dreams in my mind.  As always, some details are fuzzy, but the important part of any dream is what isn't fuzzy.  In the first, I was going about some business or other when a highly contagious disease began to be noticed among people.  It was subtle, really, starting with few symptoms that were easily misinterpreted.  Tiny red spots, etc.  But if untreated, it ended in death.  It quickly became an epidemic and was still spreading.  I found myself trying to spot people with the disease and help them in any way I could.  At one point, I ended up with a sort of clinic that was set up like a pizza delivery.  Drivers were going out on calls to provide aid, or bring in patients while the doctor and office staff kept calls coming in and treated patients.  I stepped in as a driver and spent the dream taking errands to bring aid, help the sick, bring them in.  I remember being slightly concerned that I may be infected, but didn't have time to be concerned.  I might be infected anyway and these people certainly were.  They needed help.

In the second dream, I was volunteering at a church camp.  I went to sign up and was explaining my experience with education, even coordination, and program development.  The staff seemed too busy to be interested, but when I mentioned education, they started jargoning about educational theories, statistics, etc.  I realized I couldn't possibly keep up with that, since I wasn't a classically trained educator.  But I knew how to work with kids.  So I stepped in and began to relate to some waiting kids.  Then we were ushered into a big room where activities were underway.  I tried to hang on and be useful with no idea what was happening or what I was needed to do, as I've done many times in church ministry.  And that's when I started looking for the red spots again.  I knew some of these kids must be sick.  I needed to find them.  To help them.  I woke up from this.

It was soft morning and I immediately began to think about the dreams while they were fresh.  They didn't feel like my normal dreams...not fueled by my health condition (which produces a characteristic type of dreaming), not the usual amalgam of recent experiences.  It wouldn't be the first time a dream had directly answered a prayer for me.  But any dream could also be my own thoughts.  So I searched for confirmation.

That's when the words of Jesus came to memory, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." and "I came to seek and save that which was lost."  Could that be right?  Did this really apply here?  Was it my imagination pulling together relevant information?  I felt moisture drip down my cheek.  I touched my eyes.  They were wet.  This is often confirmation for me.

I thanked God for answering my prayer.

Then I woke my wife to tell her and see if she confirmed it as well.  In conversation, I became more certain.  This was a reminder of what I had known.  I know my mission, and it is not in vane.  Religious organizations and ministries will churn and that is not my concern.  The secular world will churn and that is not my concern.  Both are equally irrelevant to the task.  The sick are among us.  The disease is rampant.  Symptoms are slow but definitive.  But I am to look for them, and aid where I can.  This is it.

The aid will take various forms: comfort, support, steering toward healing, taking to the Doctor, bringing medicine to the sick.  I don't have to think about being infected.  I just have to help.  I don't even need to cure the disease.  And I'm not alone.  There are many doing the same.  We know each other when we see, but keep at our work.  It compliments each other and we know what to do in this effort.

And if by chance the pizza delivery has a physical manifestation, I'll keep my eyes open.  But the context doesn't matter.  The disease doesn't respect persons or status.  So the cure can't either.

The Difference

I was once told by someone who had just met me in person that I was not what she expected.  She said my writing was fierce and angry, but sitting in front of her, I was nothing like that at all.  Of course she fell prey to a common fallacy of generalizing a very limited experience (of me, in this case) to what is a much larger and more complex reality.  But I don't want to bash her logic.

Instead, I want to apologize...in the old sense of offering a defense...for this blog.  It is intended to be a very real and raw and unfiltered record of my experiences.  As such, the tone vacillates, mostly across the more troubling spectrum of human emotions, since obviously, I'm not wrestling with much in the busy or more pleasant times; leastways, I don't have time to write about them.

So it occurred to me that the few of you who read this, especially any random surfers who hit on it, may easily get the impression that I'm a hateful and angry person.  And in some aspects you would be absolutely correct.  But that certainly isn't all I am.  Nevertheless, mistaking my state is less of a concern than if you were to mistake my intent toward others.

While I most certainly reference and sometimes quote actual events and people, some of whom might actually read this blog on occasion, you'll also notice that I never use names or identifying characteristics.  And as an added safeguard, I'll let you in on a little secret: I sometimes even swap pronouns or other subtle indicators just in case someone starts to think they know who I'm talking about.

Why?  Because my intention is never to judge or condemn the person.  We are, all of us, much more than any single incident.  More even than a history or a portfolio of behavior.  We are complex, living people who change and grow and fail and succeed.  I have felt the daggers and darts of judgement and misunderstanding and I would never be the source of pain to another.

Like Paul, I am keenly aware, more than most, of my own failings.  As raw as this blog is, you are not privy to my most inner thoughts and feelings.  The climate in my head is a harsh and terrible place of extremes built in arid arid regions of asceticism, glaring plains of self-scrutiny, tempestuous seas of emotion, and dark mires of spiritualism.  Trust me, no one survives there, even myself.  My point is that I expound externally nothing harsher than I have already applied to myself.  And while you have the option of turning off my blog, I can't get out of my own head.  I am very much the subject of the old Linkin Park song.  But while this explains it somewhat, it does not excuse my virtiolic.

The difference, I think, is in the target.  If you read carefully, you'll notice that my attacks are always directed at a fallacy of logic or belief.  Particularly where that fallacy has a negative impact (intended or not) on another and usually weaker party.  You see, the vitriolic is toward the idea and it's manifestation in behavior.  Not the person.  If we were all to play so nice as to not offend anyone about anything they do, the result would be that the weakest and softest among us bear the undue burden of our mistakes.  So I'm sorry, I have to speak against it.  I know you are not your actions or even your ideas and are therefore not receiving the bullet that you assume to take.  No one has the right to allow their problems to harm another without their consent, even if your personal well-being is so entangled with your behavior that you feel personally wounded when I speak against it.  In fact, the wound, even as fallacious as your affront is, will likely do you good by forcing you to pay attention to it and perhaps disentangle yourself from yourself somewhat, though even that is categorically not my intent.


As I have said before, I am a sheepdog.  I help the shepherd herd the sheep.  I know my flock and I will continue to uncompromisingly attack those demons and shades that would harm them, even the ones that pretend to be shadows of holy and upstanding people.  If my jaws happen to snap a little too close for comfort, please remember I'm aiming for the leech on your neck and the wound you feel is from it digging in, not from me.  Just like any dog, grudges are not held.  When things are safe and good, you're welcome to lay your head on my back and we can gnaw a bone together.

Money

Ok.  Nothing tricky here.  Just some thoughts on money that occurred to me today on my drive home from work.  I hear many modern Evangelical Christians talk about money.  It's perhaps the most distasteful topic someone can preach on.  We often assume this is because people are so addicted to money.  Servants of Mammon, to use a Biblical reference.

But I don't think this is necessarily so.  Obviously there are plenty of people calling themselves Christians who most certainly are wrapped up in money, and if not money itself, then the culture of consumerism, which is simply the same vice, a step removed.  But then I believe there are a great number of people (I know several who are decidedly NOT part of this culture of money) that still take issue with it.  Why is that?

I think first, it has to do with context.  Most people who preach about money are doing it in a context where the method of parting with it (for our own good, they say) is to give it to the speaker.  OK.  So you just told me how bad the money is and I should improve myself by giving the bad stuff to you.  Classic con game!

I'm not saying pastors asking for money are intentionally trying to con people, though I know undoubtedly some are.  I think most actually believe their own rhetoric.  Which often includes the ever-popular story of the rich young ruler in the Gospels.   This is where Jesus tells a man to be perfect he must sell his possessions and makes the famous camel through the eye of the needle comment.  I will resist the urge to digress into the misinterpretations of this story, since they are much more eloquently discussed by so many more qualified people than me.  Suffice to say, the speaker most often obviously hasn't followed this himself, so he's got no right to talk.

Other rhetoric centers on the verse about serving God and Mammon.  I've heard lots of exposition on Mammon as a god of wealth or a symbol of the corrupting power of money, but my favorite mammon speech is that it's actually a spirit which curses all money.  Conveniently the way to remove this curse often has to do with giving money to the speaker, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  In this speech, the pastor tries to convince the crowd that money is not bad, it's only the cursed money.  This is my favorite because it expertly circumvents the problem of the church receiving the vile stuff which they then use with relish.  The biggest problem here is that it is not anywhere found in the Bible.  It's all made up once they depart from the one line that says 'Mammon'.  I think it's a popular tactic because it allows the speaker, who is generally an educated person with some training in logic and apologetics to self-delude.  Ignoring issues that include how it got cursed in the first place and why God allows a good thing to be emphatically cursed.  The answer is often that it's God's way of making us give to Him what's His, as if God were a peevish and selfish gangster who would use curses and spiritual thugs to enforce his will.  Instead of the source of love and light near which no unclean thing may approach and from which our definition of "good" is derived.

Back on the practical level, as I was getting to above, the first twinge of dissonance occurs, often subconsciously, by the fact that the speaker is taking our money!  If it's bad, you, pastor, don't want it either!  And if it's cursed until we give it to you, why is not cursed again once you take it?  Is it the act of giving that removes the curse?  What if I was to re-give a pure gift, a birthday present.  Is that cursed?  Someone gave it to me!  If it's cursed once I get it even if given to me, why is it not cursed when you take it?

The answer propounded to this is that it's cursed until I give it to God (i.e. your church, as His agent).  But first I have to ask, what year is this?  Curses and Spirits? Real or not, is your audience even buying that?  And secondly, I can make up stuff too, bro!  If we're just going to pull it out of any random word, I can present you with just as much Biblical proof that God has chicken wings!  And I'm not kidding about that.  Ask me.

Seriously, you just can't ask people to give up money because it's bad for them and then take it yourself.  You really can't even ask for money that you'll use at all without seeming like what you're doing: MOOCHING! to put it kindly.  That's what we call it in any other relationship and you're human too, bro.

Here's what you can do. If your motive is really to help your listeners become better people by letting go of money.  Then don't take it.  Lead by example.  Take up a collection that is 100% going to someone else reputable and unaffiliated with your organization (not a parishioner, either).  Give it away.  See if that boosts your totals that week.  No games, no shaving, or calling your building fund an 'outreach opportunity'.  No lame rebate guarantee "if God doesn't bless you" (I've actually heard this one too).  Simply say, "to prove the principle, all money collected today is going to Samaritan's Purse."  Or whatever charity.  Unless of course you're with Samaritan's Purse, in which case I don't think you're using these tactics anyway, but if you are, give it to someone else.

Better yet, do what Jesus himself did and tell them to give it to the poor... unspecified.  That's what he did with the Rich Young Ruler.  He didn't take it for his ministry!  He set the challenge and sent him off to do it.

The other approach you could take is to specifically tell people what the money is for.  I've watched a struggling church receive a dismal offering at collection time, but then the same crowd dump their pockets for a guy who was building schools in Africa.  Same day!  Same service!  One plate got pittence, the other overflowing!  Why?  Because the school builder was offering a tangible product.  People were buying in, plain and simple.  This of course does nothing to stir people from their money-driven mindset, in fact it might reinforce it.  But at least the money flows to a place where it can do some good and no one looks like a shyster.

But I haven't even mentioned the elephant in the room yet.  This is of course the fact that churches in general are so into money themselves!  They need it.  The organization requires funds to support the overhead and the ministries, etc.  Sounds a whole lot like a non-profit corporation to me...Oh wait, that's what it is.  The modern church organization has become no different than the Red Cross, the World Wildlife Fund, or the ASPCA.  Of course, they'll tell you it takes money to reach people.  But I emphatically and totally disagree.  It takes money to run your organization, yes.  But Jesus himself and countless others have reached many people without a dime.  Yes, you, modern church, are more addicted to money than the majority of people you preach to.  Seriously!  The people you preach to gave some of theirs away and aren't out begging for it!

Your faith was founded by a guy who left his home and career.  A guy who gave up everything.  A guy who never asked anyone for money and never gave it to anyone either.  Sure he used it, but only for it's intended purpose: as a medium of trade.  But he really and truly didn't rely on it.  He even sent his first disciples out with the command to take no money so they would be forced to see God's provision for them.

Bottom line is that you can't tell a kid not to smoke with a cigarette in your hand.  It is the definition of HYPOCRITE!  And we see it. Your mental gymnastics (or the bugaboo ghost stories) won't get around this plain and simple fact.  Even if that isn't your intent, avoid the appearance of evil, yeah?  Give it up!

I speak for the trees.

Katahdin

I just got back from a two week trip to Maine in the very Northeast corner of the US.  We drove all the way there from Florida.  It was my first time seeing many of the Northeastern states.  And while I didn't get much time to understand them, my initial impression based on traffic, road conditions, interactions with a few people, landscape, etc, is that most of those are places I never desire to go again. 

Ironically, the states I thought would be the worst were actually pleasant.  Namely, New Jersey and New York.  The roads were well maintained.  The people were friendly, drivers were efficient considerate, etc.  But my absolute least favorite state was Connecticut.  If you live there, I'm sorry for you and you can be reasonably certain you'll not see me there ever again if I can help it.  Pennsylvania is a close second.

But travel issues aside, Maine was a beautiful place.  I was surprised by the intense amount of pesky and biting insects for such a cold climate, but I guess they can only survive for such a short time, they come out in force.  Interestingly, in Florida, the bugs are more common in the shade because the sun is too hot.  In Maine, it was the opposite.

I was also struck by the profound impression that Maine is composed almost entirely of rock...various sizes and constructions, but it was by far the rockiest place I've ever been.  I took particular notice since I favor the barefoot style of shoes, so I felt EVERY stone.  My feet are now much tougher.

We stayed one afternoon and night in Bangor.  I found this to be a delightful city and could easily see myself living there.  Even the culture seemed to be very suitable.  I've never seen so many piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair outside of little enclaves and gatherings. It was pretty much everywhere there.

But then we camped at the base of Katahdin, the highest peak in Maine.  It's a great thrust of rock covered in more rock.  It generates its own microclimate, making the area an unpredictable mix of rocks, clouds, and trees.

My goal was to reach the peak, but on the first day, bad weather was predicted.  So we climbed South Turner Peak, which looks over at Baxter Peak (the highest).  It was a short trail, but went virtually straight up across...of course...large rocks.  (I'm pretty sure the trail designer was a mountain goat who owned stock in steel shank shoes.)  But my Tabi boots held good and my son and I had lunch atop a sunny peak in a cloud of black flies before rock hopping back down.

Turned out the bad weather didn't show til about 7pm, so we would have had ample time to get to the top of Baxter, but we were listening to Rangers and trying to play it safe.

What followed was a full day of rain.  So that day, we ascended part way up Baxter to Chimney Pond, which is a picturesque glacial pond surrounded by soaring granite cliffs that make up Baxter Peak.  On the way up, we met a Ranger who I instantly hit it off with.  He was lean like us and dancing from rock to rock like us.  He wore soft soled shoes, like us, and loved my boots.  He realized our experience and determination and didn't try to dissuade us from climbing Baxter, even in the rain, though he told us good options.  We had decided to skip Baxter that day since it would be shrouded in cloud so he recommended Pamola Caves, which was a branch off of Chimney Pond.

So we took that route and quickly found this guy was serious!  Pamola was a series of huge boulders that we had to, alternately and in combination, jump, scramble, spin, slide, skirt, and crawl under.  There is nothing like straddling a four foot gap in the rain with cliff on one side, and a dark hole filled with uneven rocks 20 feet below.  My 12 year old son, did beautifully, even where we had to climb down a waterfall.  But the most intense place for me was the narrow squeezes in which we had to leave our packs and shimmy sideways and up through crevices where even my slim 90cm chest touched one face and my back the other.  Then we had to crawl through a tunnel and climb up a pipe of rock.  I did it with ease, but realized, I have no love for caving.

After awhile we returned and bounded our way through rocks and mud back to our campsite.  It was here that I realized these trails were like none I have hiked in Japan, Hawaii, or Appalachia.  Essentially, they remove vegetation, and then leave the rocks and all for people to navigate.  It's like walking in a rocky stream bed, which indeed it becomes in the rain.  Even where the inevitable washouts occur, most trails install a small pipe, a horizontal ladder, or log bridge to cross them.  Here, they simply pile up some rocks in the trail and let the washout flow between.  The hiker has to climb over the rocks, into the wash, and back out the other side, or jump the gap.

So after two days of this intense hiking, our feet and legs were baked.  But the next morning was fair and we determined to do Baxter Peak, come what may.  It was our last opportunity.  So foot sore, and leg tired, we ascended the Chimney trail again.  Then we chose the Saddle trail up to the peak.  Though it was a bit longer, it was the least intense and we were tired.  Of course, by least intense we mean that the vertical portion of the climb was only about a kilometer over loose gravel and rocks.

We were slow moving when we finally crested the ridge and entered the alpine tundra.  Then we were treated with another surprise, which Thoreau described as if raw materials for a planet were dumped up there, awaiting incorporation.  Millions upon millions of grapefruit sized loose rocks were strewn everywhere.  The trail was like walking of sharp edged, shifting softballs that adjusted and settled with each step like giant sand grains.  About 2km later we reached the peak.  Which on this first sunny day in a week, was full of people.  There was an Appalachian Trail through-hiker ending his journey. A couple south-bound starting theirs.  A guy proposing to his girlfriend at the peak, about 35 kids of varying ages up with a few summer camps, and sundry others.

I was sitting on the rocks exhausted with throbbing feet.  But I was there.  I sucked water, gnawed beef jerky, and chomped some nuts.  Then we started down.  It was a slow painful walk and I was certain it would have been much better if I wasn't three days into some serious hikes on backpacker rations.  The climb down was without event.  We took it slow and all four of our legs were noodling, but we did it without injury or incident.

I was not surprised by the peak, though the trail certainly was unexpected.  Peaks are usually crowded in high season.  I partly wish I had done it in the rain, but that climb up the slide would have been tricky.  At least then we'd have been more alone at the summit.  But in the end, I know for me, hiking is about the journey.  And I don't mean that in the cleche since.  Quite literally, I don't care about the views.  I don't even want to stop at the top.  I'm content to reach it and keep right on moving.

The reason for this hit me profoundly as we started back down the sunny tundra.  Dancing along those loose stones, my son asked my why I never want to stop at the top. We had quickly left the crowd (all still at the summit) and I looked out over this alien landscape with clouds sweeping up like something from a Miyazaki movie.  I was impressed dramatically with a simultaneous sense of relief at having accomplished the hardest of three difficult hikes in as many days, wonder at the scene, and a distinct sense of 'now'.  I explained the above to him and told him of Augustine's description of time:  That the future does not exist, the past is gone, and all that exists is the present moment.  If you focus your attention down on the smallest unit of time you can perceive, you'll realize that reality is flying by in an ever-present and infinitesimally small 'now'.

That was when I slipped into that attention and was palpably impressed with the living sublimity of the moment.  My eyes teared up and overflowed, I almost lost my balance as I beheld for the briefest moment the way God sees the world.  This place, this distant, alien, unfriendly place was not made for us.  It was made by and for God himself.  And in it was a glorious thriving of motion and activity and life.  The ever-present now is where God lives.  I said this to my son.  And as sudden as it came it was gone, like the mists blowing across the dappled lichen.  Like Moses, I had climbed to the high place and glimpsed God as he passed by.  I was left with salt-stinging eyes, throbbing legs, and a profound sense of joy.  I had found something on that mountain, but as usual it was not where anyone would think to look.

God, help me.

Christians talk of love.  We're told to overlook, forgive, bear with, no one is perfect, don't judge.  And yet, in so many cases, this is entirely the duty of the listener and not at all reflected by the speaker or his organization.

It starts to sound hollow after awhile.  So I'm supposed to be eternally forgiving offences against me, some of which are grossly wrong...morally, ethically, personally wrong...and yet the person/people preaching this are the very offenders who then refuse to show it to me, to bear with me, to overlook, forgive, withhold judgement of my faults.

Now the moralist in me is screaming that two wrongs don't make a right and that one must do right regardless of how one is treated.  OK.  I know this.  But it doesn't change the bitterness and anger that rise up at it again and again.  And it isn't everyone.  I know many people who do live out their faith and have shown me great love, even when I don't deserve it.  So again, I blame the institution for creating the paradigm in which a man can stand over anonymous heads and orate without having to answer to the eyes and mouths of those he speaks to.  Where he doesn't have to feel the full and immediate effect of his words.  There has to be a better way.

I feel like I know that way too.  I have glimpsed it, smelled it, but can't quite apprehend it.  I'm not planning anything.  I'm over trying to work my own will in these cases.  I just don't have the energy any more.  But I want to understand, to walk in it, to help it grow where it sprouts.

Am I missing something?  I find myself cringing from certain aspects of the faith.  Embarrassed by them.  I don't want to be caught listening to Christian radio.  I don't even like the music.  I just need some uplifting, faithful, stilling presence and commercial radio (at least the genres I can tolerate) is all about degradation and glory in low things.  I hate to pray over meals in public, though I do it at home with a will and a desire to instill it in my son.

Am I embarrassed by the faith?  No.  I'm not.  I'll easily tell someone I'm Christian, that I go to church, that I believe in universal Truth and live morally, etc.  I'll discuss my faith at length and detail in certain contexts, not just amongst other Christians.  So I am not embarrassed by the faith.  So what is it?

If it was just hokey contrivances, I would not do them myself.  So I see value in them.  This means the issue must be deeper.  Perhaps a fear of seeming naive or backward.  Perhaps of being misunderstood.  I can't tell what it is.  My Evangelical background steps forward at this point and begins condemning me that those who are ashamed of Christ, he will be ashamed of.  Words from his own mouth!  And my heart quails.  But yet I find the same reactions persisting.

I am fickle and inconsistent.  And then I am reminded quietly of Peter who denied Christ three times after just proclaiming his allegiance and even using a blade against an armed troop of men to defend Jesus.  I am reminded of Paul who could not do the good he wanted to do, though he knew what it was.

And so this Sunday, when I was sitting in church, at odds with the place and myself, the pastor, whom I don't even know if I like and certainly don't yet trust, calls us to take Communion in a way that does not put me off.  Not single serving plastic wrapped.  Not greatly orated.  Simply saying that we will serve ourselves because, "you need no one coming between you and your God."  And so I go forward, looking into my own heart, wondering what I will say to Him in the moment, though I feel something must be said.  At the same time, I dred that my heart may burst out my eyes in front of everyone, as too often happens when I encounter God.  I take the wafer, dip it in the cup, and at that second, my heart cries out, "God, help me."

I don't even know where it came from...well I do really.  But I was not planning it, I promise you.  I felt my eyes well, clenched my teeth to stop it, and rushed back to my seat.  Then it came to me that this simple line is the essence of my faith, of all faith.  I don't know.  I can't do.  God, help me.

And on this rock, I can stand.  Nothing more, nothing less.  God, help me.  God, help me.

War

I recently heard someone speaking about Deliverance, with a capital D.  I hadn't heard of it before.  Honestly, I ended up in a position to hear him speak completely unintentionally.  Anyway, the word with a capital D refers to, the speaker said, "the casting out of demons." Yep.  I'm not kidding.  It's a thing.  He wasn't making that up.  I check everything.

So as he presented it, it's a system of counselling that focuses on removing demonic influence from people's lives.  To his credit, he was not at all pushy and delivered his talk in a very matter-of-fact and non-spooky way.  He did not come off as a charlatan.  I'd have walked right out.  I think he legitimately believes what he's saying and considers himself more reasonable than many he knows in the field.  Since he could approach it in a rational manner, I felt he deserved a fair hearing.

He didn't go into detail about the process, partly because he didn't want to spook people out (he said this) and partly (I think) because he had a seminar to plug and a 'ministry' to support.  Though he didn't ask for money.

He gave a few stories, but mostly just talked about the background principle.  The stories were sufficient to make me think.  I have enough experience of the spiritual to safely admit demons and other spiritual forces do exist and influence people. But the background principle is what didn't sit well.

He pulled verses from the Bible that seemed a bit out of context and misinterpreted.  But as is my bent, I began to consider what might be true in it.  Was I the one misunderstanding?  He admitted demons aren't behind every problem, but claimed they could be behind any problem.  He alluded to some sort of contractual type scenario in which people can, knowingly or not, give demons access to themselves.  He claimed that Jesus could save a soul, but that the body and spirit might still be "infected" as he put it.  The focus of Deliverance is to break those contracts and make people as free and healthy as possible.  He said that there was a process people had to participate in.  Alluding to some 'steps' and such people had to take to be sure they stay free.

I left mostly denying it, but with enough doubt that I had to consider more fully.  I talked it over with my wife and son.  I asked God to tell me what is true.  I even wrestled with it in dreams for a couple nights.  I debated calling a mentor of mine and discussing it with him.  Was I right?  What if I wasn't?  Could I be suffering from some seemingly medical ailments because of the doors I'd opened in my past?  What about beneficial suffering; the "thorn in the flesh"?  Wasn't Jesus sufficient?  Why wouldn't he cleanse everything?  Could I take the chance on that?  Was it worth the chance?  It didn't fit with my understanding of the universe, but it did echo many of the things I encountered and heard from people in the Spiritualist world that I had dabbled in fairly extensively years ago. 

So finally, I decided to look it up.  Though I was a bit scared of creeping myself out.  The speaker had said it was easy to find on the internet.  So I did a late night search and was quickly provided with an article from an ex-Deliverance counsellor who shed all the light I needed. Thank God for answering.

This long article described the Deliverance movement in such verbatim detail to the speaker that I had no doubt they were talking about the same thing.  In fact, they quoted the same people, same verses, same vocabulary.  The article described it as very real.  He had seen many amazing things happen.  But still he left it.  The reasons he left it encapsulate my very difficulties.

I'm not going to try to digest the whole article for you.  Look it up yourself if you're interested.  What resonated with me was, for one, that the Deliverance movement is a 20th century invention.  It claims roots to ancient times, but no more than Wicca can claim to the ancient pagans.  In other words, it's a modern supposition of what might have happened, and not a true religious tradition and therefore does not have the weight of history and community of consent behind it.  But more importantly, Deliverance is essentially a works-based faith.  Freedom is not obtained by the work of God.  It's made possible by that, but people then have to get the right prayers, the right lifestyle, the right program to be fully free.  And then only so far as they keep it up.  Further, it adds chains to people with the concept that when a demon returns, it brings more with it and makes the end condition worse.  Thus someone who is struggling lives in eternal fear that they may not only go back to the torment, but it may get worse.  And if you've never experienced spiritual torment of this kind, let me tell you, it's enough to make you high dive into concrete.

The article described it like a spiritual protection racket that Satan himself backs by putting on good demonic shows.  "Sure, cast me out, but watch how much of a fight I can put up. Get proud, feel special, feel afraid."  It's like the Fight Club assignment to pick a fight and lose.  It puffs up the counsellor and terrorizes (in the Terrorist sense) the victim who now has to look around every corner for the evil he knows "can get him at any time".

So is there another view that allows for demons and their influence but avoids this false paradigm of Spiritual Warfare?  Yes!  God is sovereign over all things.  Christ has put all powers beneath his feet.  The head of the serpent has been crushed.  Evil in fact, doesn't exist.  Philosophically proven, it can't.  What we call evil is the negation of a created thing which God called good.  A thing's evilness is exactly proportional to the degree it departs from what it was created to be.

There are far more verses in the Bible supporting this worldview.  Jesus sets free.   Nothing can harm me except as God allows and that means it will only be for my good, like chemotherapy that makes me sick so I can get well.  Or like physical training hurts so my muscles grow stronger.  The demons have no inherent power.  Only the illusion of it.  So what more would they want than to be attributed the power to control and manipulate us.  Sure they'll exploit it!  If we want a show, they'll be happy to oblige. 

Better to learn what Sarah had to learn in Labyrinth.  Not how to defeat her demons, but that they had no power over her in the first place.  With that it's all over.  This is echoed in my own life: dreams, studies, experiences, and reasoning.  It is the only way.  It is the Truth. 

Demons are real, but the conflict is not.  It's a bluff, a farse, a simulation of the Matrix.  God is sovereign and the truth is what is real.  As in War Games, we have to learn that, "The only winning move is not to play."

Majik...or something like it

People used to say that certain places had a strange effect on people.  It's picked up in stories, novels, movies.  There's a sort of Majik (I spell it this way to refer to the sublime natural sort of mysterious power as opposed to the trickery people do on stages or the evil sort of sorcery) that can make people get lost, hurt themselves, forget, disappear, or a variety of other things that vary in ominousity.  I've long known that the further away from the things of man one goes, the closer to the Majikal, one gets.  I've also always believed that many natural happenings are explained in a sort of mythical fashion as an innate way of transferring oral knowledge...like storytelling.  Thus there is truth in many myths.  Recently, I had occasion to take these beliefs out for a test run...Or rather I was tossed out of the boat with them, so to speak, and left to see what floats.

My bushcraft is pretty strong.  I've been in the woods, swamps, oceans, mountains, all my life.  Every week, I strip down to the barest means I can handle and run in the swamps that surround my area of Florida.  Mostly this means me in a pair of shorts and some Feiyue Tiger Claws, (think shaolin shoes). Sometimes I ditch the shoes too.  but no shirt, no phone.  Just me.  It's my time to "Walk with Him in the Garden".  It's my truest house of worship, just like Jesus went up in the mountains or gardens to pray.

Over time, I've gotten to know my favorite spots.  If you know the area, I start out in the Morris Bridge Trails.  It's a dirt lot with a trail head that hikers and mountain bikers frequent.  From there, I disappear into the woods, heading downhill into the slough, a ribbon like swamp of virgin cypress, elms, and other hardwoods.  Half of the year, it's under water, but at this time of year, it's mostly dry.  Trails slip through at various points, but in the deepest part, I frequently veer offtrail into the slough itself and "chase the spirits".  Here I can hop the logs, balance across spans, dodge cypress knees, and let go.  I'll frequently find myself exhausted and stop for a rest, where I encounter other denizens of the nonhuman sort.  I've eavesdropped on a coversation between a mama raccoon and her two kids. Talked with otters, charged and been charged by hogs, hopped with deer, and angered a good deal of squirrels just by being in sight.  I've also seen God part the veil and speak to me in amazing ways.  I'm totally at ease here.  I've even dozed off in the flowers once or twice.

After a bit, I'll make my way back to the trails and head back to civilization.  On occasion I've overshot my mark and had to run around the long way to get back or popped out unexpectedly in a place I didn't realize I was heading to.  But there are days, like this past Friday, where the world there is different.

This Friday, there was no sun.  It's rare here in the Sunshine State, but we do get a few totally overcast days where the brightness of the sun is not discernible through the grey blanket.  This day was one of those.  It makes the colors of the swamp come alive.  The greens and reds and yellows explode in vivid splashes.  Particularly at this time of year, the open areas under the trees are a solid field of yellow asters, waist high.  So on this day, I found a nice piece of chert, a type of flint.  I decided to try napping it into a tool, like our ancestors did.  So I plunged offtrail into the sea of yellow far enough to not be a distraction to the few bikers who might zip by on the trail in the early afternoon.

The smell of the flowers was dizzying.  Bees swung around full and drunk.  I found a large tree with a flat root, perfect as a base for chipping.  I protected it with bark and went to work.  In 15 minutes I had a useful hand ax and tried it on the branch of an elm sapling.  It cut quite nice for my unexperienced hand.  I then cached it and my striking stone in a hollow and headed back.

Running in the woods is different than walking.  You aren't focused on the distance as much as the nearest step, because you have to adjust your foot placement rapidly to avoid the many obstacles.  So it's common to zigzag a bit as you make your way back.  So when I didn't hit the trail where I expected, I figured it turned and I overshot it, so I veered left to meet it again.  Pretty soon, I realized, I must be much further east than I thought.  The trail was just not there.  The endless field of yellow was crisscrossed with hog and deer paths.  I even woke up one sleepy pig who stuck himself under a log and had to frantically dig himself out while I stood overtop encouraging him.  Nothing looked familiar, as it usually doesn't, so I just kept moving ahead thinking I'd hit the powerline eventually and work back that way.

About 30 minutes later, I hit a trail.  OK, I thought.  This must be my usual trail, just east of my turn, I've been there before when I overshoot, so I turned left and ran on.  But pretty soon the trail widened and I began to see horse prints, then manure.  I was in the Equestrian park to the south!  As shocking as this may seem, to be heading south instead of north, it has happened before.  That time, I fell asleep and then jumped up and ran the wrong way out.  With no sun, I couldn't tell.  But this time, I had not lost my orientation.  I had distinctly headed back north from the tree, the way I had come in.

So these woods, must be the majik kind.  It is a virgin swamp afterall.  It's not the first time trails had seemingly moved on me in these kinds of places.  But I could hear traffic, so I knew that must be the interstate.  In a few minutes, I should pop out on the edge of the equestrian trails and could shoot back north through a familiar part of the slough.  I ran on.

Then, I spotted the clearing.  But beyond it was not the mound of spoil I expected by the canal.  It was a house!  OK, I must be still east where the houses come up to the equestrian park.  I'll just head right and find the spoil.  (Keep track of these directions and see if I'm not correct.)

Soon, I hit a fence and a street.  There should be no street.  The houses back right up to the park.  I had no idea where I was and for the first time a larger than normal spookiness shot through me.  Still, experienced, as I am, I simply slid through the barbed wire and looked for a street sign.  200 meters down, I found one...My blood chilled.  I had no idea where this street was.  I looked left, then right.  I looked up at the grey blanket.  I had no idea if I was looking north or south, east or west.  I didn't know this street.  It could be anywhere around a large range of wilderness.  But not to panic.  I could always swallow my pride and knock on a door to ask where I was.  Then run very fast if the homeowner levelled a shotgun at the half naked man covered in mud and leaves on her porch.  I listened and heard traffic again very close.  I ran that way.  Over a short rise, I could see it.  It wasn't the interstate, so it had to be Fowler or Morris Bridge Rd.  For those out of the area, these streets are on the south and north of the wilderness respectively.  If Morris, I was closer to the parking lot than I thought.  If Fowler, I had a long run back, but no big deal.

At the intersection, I was stunned again.  This was neither of the streets I expected.  This was US 301!  This highway runs north on the eastern edge of the wilderness from east Tampa up into Zephyrhills.  I hadn't crossed a river, or a road, so I had to be on the west side of the road.  Plus cars were zipping from right to left, which at that time of day, must be northbound.  But I had no idea how far along the road I was.  I didn't recognize the intersection.  So I turned right, or south (I hoped) since I was praying to be close to Fowler.

That's when I saw that I was north of County Road 579.  Good grief, I was in Thonotosassa!  I couldn't have gotten farther from where I wanted to be without crossing a major feature like a river or other blatant directional landmark.  That takes a certain kind of bad luck; almost intentional.  I didn't know where my little street went the other way, and didn't want to get twisted up in the swamp again this close to dusk, so I decided there was nothing to it, but to hoof it along the road.

I ran, and walked some, and struggled to find saliva in my now dry mouth.  Then I ran some more, and some more.  I couldn't buy a drink because I had no money.  I couldn't go into a store because I had no shirt.  I couldn't call anyone because my phone, along with my water, and wallet, were in the truck at the COMPLETELY OPPOSITE CORNER OF THE DANG WOODS!

Eventually I debated sneaking up to a house and swigging some water from a hose, but in that part of town, the thought of shotguns and dogs were quite real, especially for a half-naked, dirty, long-haired mutt like me.  Of course, hospitality would have easily prompted anyone to spare me a cup if I'd asked, but I truthfully wasn't in that sort of need and didn't want to pretend to it, which would not only be dishonest, but would likely prompt them to also help me more than I wanted.  So I followed the tenet of "get yourself in, get yourself out" and pressed on around the Big Top Flea Market and up the canal toward relief.

After one more short detour around the mouth of the creek I had started in, followed by one more quick twist of directions in the woods, I wound up right back on the canal where I gave up and decided to cross through the caretaker's property despite the glaring signs prohibiting it.  Of course, right as I neared the sign on the far side of the property, my leg gave up and cramped.  And of course right as I hobbled on past it, the caretaker's wife rolled up in her truck and asked me if she could help me in that tone that says, "you know you shouldn't be here."  Having been thus humbled, I dropped my head and sheepishly declared I had gotten lost and just found my way out.  She nodded understanding, asked if I was alright otherwise, to which I responded by pointing to my truck a few hundred meters away.  She bid me a kind good day and I stumbled into the truck where I downed a bottle of water, answered some texts from my now worried wife, and drove home to a sick stomach, which was quickly cured with ample does of salt and simple carbs.  The only lasting injury is my pride, and that's for the better.

In the end, I was in no real danger, other than being overly tired and late.  I could find my way out to some point simply by following traffic noise, so I wasn't going to die in there.  I had prayed for God to do with me what he wanted on that run and he obliged.  I had asked for him to show me what he would, and he did.  Once more, I learned about myself, both my abilities and my limits.  I learned about His care for me, even in seemingly uncontrolled situations.  And I learned that my granddad knew something when he said in his slingblade accent, " 'ere's sump'm in 'em 'oods a'makes ee'n 'em 'at knows 'eysef go a bit auter hids."

Lull

I haven't written in a while.  Sometimes a lull occurs and I am grateful.  Not that things have been bad or perfect, or even dull.  Just relative peace in my mind and life.  I'm actually inspired back to write by a chance comment from an unknown reader.  But I don't know where this will go.

Holidays are finally over and it takes several months to recover some normalcy.  Some things never come back.  I wonder how many things, good or bad, are lost because of the American Holiday Season.  Some people like the change.  I think they wait all year to do the things they do in that season.  But I don't.  I don't see life as that long.  Truthfully, it isn't a conscious decision, just the way I am made: I see multiple pathways in everything and that includes the negative.  I may very well not have another opportunity, so I take them where they come.  This melds into and shapes my worldview to do only what God asks of us in the moment that he asks.  It's a curious chicken/egg, Daoish, paradox of influence.

But anyway, the point is, I do all year things that most reserve for the one time a year.  Therefore when the holidays come and everyone stops doing what they normally do for some unexplained cultural reason, my life grinds to a halt.  After 3 months of that, people (including myself) have forgotten what we were doing before that time and have to start all over.  What is recalled takes months to ramp up momentum.

In other news, my hand and wife are healing, so even more activities that have been on hold are slowly coming back.  Really, I think if it wasn't for these lulls, more would be accomplished.

Another factor contributing to the lull is that we finally completely dropped a major source of irritation and provocation...namely the church we've been going to for many years.  Being someone who commits slowly and moves circumspectly, I am also slow to completely drop something.  I keep trying and biding until all remnant of good is squeezed out of something and the one last straw falls.

The long and short is, I'm now much happier in that regard.  We've started checking out another place which is a very different character, yet not entirely alien.  I have no intention of jumping in too heavily, and anyone who wants to argue that I should do otherwise is welcome to step to.  I'll challenge anyone to walk in my shoes for a while and tell me they'd do otherwise.  Same goes for anyone who says you shouldn't change churches because we're all flawed.  I know where they're coming from.  I've been them before.  Just keep jawing what you don't know...you'll see.  And if not, then our paths are different and all the best on yours.

Seriously, I wish people would think a little more before they start spouting advice.  Does anyone ever really give good advice?  I remember hearing a friend whose job included listening to people's problems say he was done giving advice.  I thought I understood, but thought he was taking it too far.  Surely sometimes we know what someone else doesn't, I thought.  But now, I'm starting to see his point more clearly.  We are never in exactly the same place as another.  we might be passing nearby, but our lives come from and are going to different places, making it very difficult to ever truly tell someone else what to do with any accuracy.  Further, too many people can't see them selves clearly enough, or refuse to admit their own reality, to even see what wisdom you might offer.

I recently had a friend call me repeatedly (I have to tell him I HATE the telephone) to try to get "advice" but each time I clearly saw what he wanted to do and that he was just looking for an excuse to say he'd talked it over even though he'd really already made up his mind.  Self deception at it's finest.  And this is a smart and relatively good, well-adjusted person!

No, I think the best we can do is listen and reflect, perhaps share a story or thought sparked by what they say and maybe help each other discern our own paths at the moment.

Peace and Action

Peace is not lack of activity.  Action is not lack of peace.  I fear that committing to peace will make me soft.  But I know this is not true. 

It's not a new dynamic entirely.  I remember shedding hate years ago in a moment of bright flash, I realized that I was wasting so much energy on hating things and people.  I thought it was justified, righteous even, to hate what was evil.  I dropped it right then and there.  I was walking through Ybor City one afternoon before it was turned into a seedy party spot. (Contrary to popular belief, it was actually safer then...full of people like me and we got along for the most part, but that's another entry.)

But even that wasn't fully dropped.  I found lingering elements of hate locked away deep inside me.  Levels below the first set.  These only surfaced years later.  I probably wrote about it here, but don't remember.

So, I know how this works somewhat. But I'm unsure of how to walk it out.  How do I interact with people when the scripts I know are all strategies and battle plans?  Is there any reference to draw upon?  Sources for new scripts?

There are a few.  The Practice of the Presence is one.  Uncle George has a few too.  But in my own life and time, I have some.  I remember a time when I was all about actions to give a little wonder and joy.  Like an imp spreading good mischief, I was always looking for a way to surprise people with a little Amelie-style goodness, far before that movie, lest anyone think I copied it.  It may be time to resurrect these to some extent.  I'd stand in a crowd and say hi to people then give a dollar to whoever greeted me back.  I'd slip up behind some random acquaintance and slide some jewelry around her neck.  Pay for someone's meal behind me and walk away.  Climb into scenic overlooks and wave frantically back at people, swinging from a tree or some other feature.  (People always cracked up at this.)  Strike up conversations with strangers as if I knew them, never letting them tell me they didn't know me.  Physical clowning was always great.  Run into something, get sprayed in the face, dive into a sand trap on a golf course and then rake out all the prints but the body shape.  One I never did, but saw in an obscure movie years later and wished I had: buy objects at thrift stores with people's names on them and secretly deliver them to people with those names. 

Perhaps I never fully gave them up.  But I have largely lost this sensibility.  I think it's the slow dulling grind of daily routine that wore it away.  But I think these are seeds of a new mode of activity.  One which defuses and brightens, instead of stokes and obscures.