Peace is not lack of activity. Action is not lack of peace. I fear that committing to peace will make me soft. But I know this is not true.
It's not a new dynamic entirely. I remember shedding hate years ago in a moment of bright flash, I realized that I was wasting so much energy on hating things and people. I thought it was justified, righteous even, to hate what was evil. I dropped it right then and there. I was walking through Ybor City one afternoon before it was turned into a seedy party spot. (Contrary to popular belief, it was actually safer then...full of people like me and we got along for the most part, but that's another entry.)
But even that wasn't fully dropped. I found lingering elements of hate locked away deep inside me. Levels below the first set. These only surfaced years later. I probably wrote about it here, but don't remember.
So, I know how this works somewhat. But I'm unsure of how to walk it out. How do I interact with people when the scripts I know are all strategies and battle plans? Is there any reference to draw upon? Sources for new scripts?
There are a few. The Practice of the Presence is one. Uncle George has a few too. But in my own life and time, I have some. I remember a time when I was all about actions to give a little wonder and joy. Like an imp spreading good mischief, I was always looking for a way to surprise people with a little Amelie-style goodness, far before that movie, lest anyone think I copied it. It may be time to resurrect these to some extent. I'd stand in a crowd and say hi to people then give a dollar to whoever greeted me back. I'd slip up behind some random acquaintance and slide some jewelry around her neck. Pay for someone's meal behind me and walk away. Climb into scenic overlooks and wave frantically back at people, swinging from a tree or some other feature. (People always cracked up at this.) Strike up conversations with strangers as if I knew them, never letting them tell me they didn't know me. Physical clowning was always great. Run into something, get sprayed in the face, dive into a sand trap on a golf course and then rake out all the prints but the body shape. One I never did, but saw in an obscure movie years later and wished I had: buy objects at thrift stores with people's names on them and secretly deliver them to people with those names.
Perhaps I never fully gave them up. But I have largely lost this sensibility. I think it's the slow dulling grind of daily routine that wore it away. But I think these are seeds of a new mode of activity. One which defuses and brightens, instead of stokes and obscures.
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Friday, January 3, 2014
Friday, December 27, 2013
Cages
A couple of things are rolling around in my head. One has to do with joy. What is it? I've read the definition, but it seems inadequate. Maybe I've just not experienced it. I know peace (which is an inner quiet). I know happiness (which is dependent on circumstances). But I can't say I've ever known an abiding gladness...Perhaps I have, there was a time I think I had it. Things weren't perfect, but I just seemed to be glad, positive, most of the time.
Though, it seems this had much to do with the circumstances, which would pull it into the realm of happiness, right? I distinctly remember frustrations and difficulties then, so I know this isn't a rosy memory (though I don't have those anyway). Truly, I tend to see always the bad, so to remember a time of happiness that was longer than fleeting is something.
Just recently, I have felt a deep need for joy. I even almost felt it yesterday, but it escaped me before I could fully feel it. It was like a shadow of it, or a snatch of music heard indistinctly. And then it was gone.
This transitions nicely into the other thing in my head...I'd wondered how they would relate. I have blogged previously about my naturally darker nature. I have to accept it. I have tried to change it, ignore it, etc. But it is part of me, and this is not necessarily a defect.
So what stands in my way? I think it has to do with cages, fetters. I despise them. I hate being tied down or restricted. Not all restrictions; some are necessary, I know that. But the unnecessary tangles of life, those I hate. Mortgages, bills, tenuous family obligations. These are drudgery and torture. Give me one day when I am stuck at home with nothing to do and unable to leave because of something like, my son is out playing and too young to leave alone...and I'm prowling the floors like a tiger, looking for anything to occupy the restlessness. Read, watch pointless TV; this only goes so far. Sleep; that too only covers so much. This is why I make so many things with my hands...anything to occupy my mind when I can't go and do.
My wife seems to like those times. Relaxing, she calls it. It's torture. I want to rip the walls down. Sometimes I'll go outside, but I'm surrounded by acres and acres of more little cages with small caged streets and bigger caged streets and fences, all hemming me into this world of cushy padded nothing.
Granted, it is good to be safe and secure. This is a blessing I would not withhold from anyone. I think what is missing in it is meaning. Real depth. Challenge. I am so in love with adventure stories, books, movies. I want to be swept away on some quest or mission. I want every moment to feel vibrant and real. Then when I return home, I'll want to be here. To rest and enjoy the peace. But eventually to go back out into the world again.
I do not pretend to have missed my calling. I am what I should be, or on the journey toward it. But at times like these, especially around holidays when I am sitting around endlessly, it gets to me. I want my family to join me. But they are not that type. I can't make my wife into what she is not. My son will join some, but is also content to sit and putter.
I work my life to be as free as possible, but everywhere, people throw fetters on. We're not good citizens if we aren't chained down a hundred ways. And so I sit, and prowl, and make something, and prowl. I may even get fed up and disappear for a short time, but the chains of responsibility will pull me back again.
I will step out on the road and wish for something to happen that breaks the chains.
Actually...I think I've just hit something else. My anxiety from being around other people comes precisely because I am so looking for this kind of life. I feel like the Ranger sitting cloaked in the corner, ever watchful, ever ready to strike, to move, to go. But outside is nothing but padded walls and fat docile pets. With expectation of something more and no where to direct it, everywhere becomes a source of irritation, anxiety. It's like the tiger who attacks the one who feeds it, or an innocent bystander. I just want out of the cage.
Though, it seems this had much to do with the circumstances, which would pull it into the realm of happiness, right? I distinctly remember frustrations and difficulties then, so I know this isn't a rosy memory (though I don't have those anyway). Truly, I tend to see always the bad, so to remember a time of happiness that was longer than fleeting is something.
Just recently, I have felt a deep need for joy. I even almost felt it yesterday, but it escaped me before I could fully feel it. It was like a shadow of it, or a snatch of music heard indistinctly. And then it was gone.
This transitions nicely into the other thing in my head...I'd wondered how they would relate. I have blogged previously about my naturally darker nature. I have to accept it. I have tried to change it, ignore it, etc. But it is part of me, and this is not necessarily a defect.
So what stands in my way? I think it has to do with cages, fetters. I despise them. I hate being tied down or restricted. Not all restrictions; some are necessary, I know that. But the unnecessary tangles of life, those I hate. Mortgages, bills, tenuous family obligations. These are drudgery and torture. Give me one day when I am stuck at home with nothing to do and unable to leave because of something like, my son is out playing and too young to leave alone...and I'm prowling the floors like a tiger, looking for anything to occupy the restlessness. Read, watch pointless TV; this only goes so far. Sleep; that too only covers so much. This is why I make so many things with my hands...anything to occupy my mind when I can't go and do.
My wife seems to like those times. Relaxing, she calls it. It's torture. I want to rip the walls down. Sometimes I'll go outside, but I'm surrounded by acres and acres of more little cages with small caged streets and bigger caged streets and fences, all hemming me into this world of cushy padded nothing.
Granted, it is good to be safe and secure. This is a blessing I would not withhold from anyone. I think what is missing in it is meaning. Real depth. Challenge. I am so in love with adventure stories, books, movies. I want to be swept away on some quest or mission. I want every moment to feel vibrant and real. Then when I return home, I'll want to be here. To rest and enjoy the peace. But eventually to go back out into the world again.
I do not pretend to have missed my calling. I am what I should be, or on the journey toward it. But at times like these, especially around holidays when I am sitting around endlessly, it gets to me. I want my family to join me. But they are not that type. I can't make my wife into what she is not. My son will join some, but is also content to sit and putter.
I work my life to be as free as possible, but everywhere, people throw fetters on. We're not good citizens if we aren't chained down a hundred ways. And so I sit, and prowl, and make something, and prowl. I may even get fed up and disappear for a short time, but the chains of responsibility will pull me back again.
I will step out on the road and wish for something to happen that breaks the chains.
Actually...I think I've just hit something else. My anxiety from being around other people comes precisely because I am so looking for this kind of life. I feel like the Ranger sitting cloaked in the corner, ever watchful, ever ready to strike, to move, to go. But outside is nothing but padded walls and fat docile pets. With expectation of something more and no where to direct it, everywhere becomes a source of irritation, anxiety. It's like the tiger who attacks the one who feeds it, or an innocent bystander. I just want out of the cage.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Expansion
I am so blessed. This is a phrase that is hard to say with any real meaning since it is so cleche. But I refuse to let it be stolen from all usage. I am blessed. My household is expanding. Even as I shed the last vestiges of the American Dream. Prayers are being answered. God is meeting my needs in very real and close personal ways. This is also cleche, but I'm beginning to understand it.
My family has expanded and improved...been touched by glory, even. My wife is more beautiful to me than ever before. More desirable and more satisfying. I mean that. She is a total package of internal and external beauty. I find myself staring at her and even notice that the intentionally titillating stuff on TV and movies has no real appeal to me compared to her. I'm not making this up. I'm human and do not lie that I have been attracted by this kind of thing. But recently, I find it holds nothing for me compared to her.
My son is growing and learning to adapt to his new life. I've always had a hard time connecting with him, but I think we are making progress there. He might finally be learning to see the real goals of my training and discipline. And I am ready to be more honest with him about it. I never thought much good could come from hiding things, even small things like why we tell him to do certain things, or how we budget our money, etc. And I think he is responding.
I have a beautiful goddaughter whom I love dearly. She is not merely the kid that I stood next to in some ceremony. She was imprinted on my heart by God himself. She is truly beautiful, as she begins to grow up and I can see that she will be a stunning picture of physical beauty, but her heart is tender and sweet. she thinks often of others first and will be a model for what God intends for a woman to be. She is beginning to trust this relationship and see her own real value beyond the cheesy self-esteem stuff. She is lovely and lovable and she is learning how to live in that.
Her mom is starting to accept us as family as well. We are learning to communicate and help each other in real ways and my hope is that this will continue to grow into an increasingly permanent bond of family.
And lastly, we just recently became godparents to her other daughter! A brilliantly smart and beautiful teenager who quickly understands situations in a very insightful way. She is equally modest about her successes and strengths. Which is so appealing in this age of boasting and self-aggrandizing. She is physically and emotionally beautiful and so smart, making for a very appealing woman. My hope is that she will come to understand her value as her sister is learning to.
She was recently added to our family because God started to point her out to us. We have loved her for a long time now, but finally the time was right to ask her if we could be her family and she was so happy. As am I. I have long believed that family is found more in the intentional relation of people than in any other form. The saying is only part true. Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is the strongest bond of all. I have also long felt a hole in myself that bit by bit, I learned was cut for this very thing.
I don't know how long things last. I'm sure trials and troubles will come again. But I also feel confident that I am not in the same place I was before. God has raised me up. He has expanded my territory. Not just my family, but my work, my friends, my finances, my health, everything is now bearing a light of power and glory. I know that whatever comes, I shall not be forsaken and my God is my strength and my hope. I hope my reach as Legatus Regni continues to expand to reveal God's glory in this world. And regardless of that, I will stand by those God has given me as long as I live.
To them I say that they have nothing to fear. God has answered their prayers. They may not see it or know it yet. But I am just the advance runner bringing news of what is to come. Just wait and see. And I will be there with you and for you all through everything to come. This is not my promise. This is God's promise to you. I am made for this, so it is pure joy and fulfilment for me to be this gift to you. In short, I love you.
My family has expanded and improved...been touched by glory, even. My wife is more beautiful to me than ever before. More desirable and more satisfying. I mean that. She is a total package of internal and external beauty. I find myself staring at her and even notice that the intentionally titillating stuff on TV and movies has no real appeal to me compared to her. I'm not making this up. I'm human and do not lie that I have been attracted by this kind of thing. But recently, I find it holds nothing for me compared to her.
My son is growing and learning to adapt to his new life. I've always had a hard time connecting with him, but I think we are making progress there. He might finally be learning to see the real goals of my training and discipline. And I am ready to be more honest with him about it. I never thought much good could come from hiding things, even small things like why we tell him to do certain things, or how we budget our money, etc. And I think he is responding.
I have a beautiful goddaughter whom I love dearly. She is not merely the kid that I stood next to in some ceremony. She was imprinted on my heart by God himself. She is truly beautiful, as she begins to grow up and I can see that she will be a stunning picture of physical beauty, but her heart is tender and sweet. she thinks often of others first and will be a model for what God intends for a woman to be. She is beginning to trust this relationship and see her own real value beyond the cheesy self-esteem stuff. She is lovely and lovable and she is learning how to live in that.
Her mom is starting to accept us as family as well. We are learning to communicate and help each other in real ways and my hope is that this will continue to grow into an increasingly permanent bond of family.
And lastly, we just recently became godparents to her other daughter! A brilliantly smart and beautiful teenager who quickly understands situations in a very insightful way. She is equally modest about her successes and strengths. Which is so appealing in this age of boasting and self-aggrandizing. She is physically and emotionally beautiful and so smart, making for a very appealing woman. My hope is that she will come to understand her value as her sister is learning to.
She was recently added to our family because God started to point her out to us. We have loved her for a long time now, but finally the time was right to ask her if we could be her family and she was so happy. As am I. I have long believed that family is found more in the intentional relation of people than in any other form. The saying is only part true. Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is the strongest bond of all. I have also long felt a hole in myself that bit by bit, I learned was cut for this very thing.
I don't know how long things last. I'm sure trials and troubles will come again. But I also feel confident that I am not in the same place I was before. God has raised me up. He has expanded my territory. Not just my family, but my work, my friends, my finances, my health, everything is now bearing a light of power and glory. I know that whatever comes, I shall not be forsaken and my God is my strength and my hope. I hope my reach as Legatus Regni continues to expand to reveal God's glory in this world. And regardless of that, I will stand by those God has given me as long as I live.
To them I say that they have nothing to fear. God has answered their prayers. They may not see it or know it yet. But I am just the advance runner bringing news of what is to come. Just wait and see. And I will be there with you and for you all through everything to come. This is not my promise. This is God's promise to you. I am made for this, so it is pure joy and fulfilment for me to be this gift to you. In short, I love you.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Formidable Joy
At the heart of Contemplation is an openness to the Truth present in all circumstances. But we aren't always aware of it. An awareness often forces its way in on a Contemplative's thoughts like a wave crashing over him. You get used to it.
Today I was listening to The Big Roar by the Joy Formidable, a great band from Wales. The sound is rich and symphonic; the lyrics are deeply poetic. The music is evocative like liquid emotion.
While I was listening in the car a wave crashed over me and I realized that the album and the band name are touching a deep reality. Joy is a complex concept. It ranges from simple happiness for many people, to something much more mystic. The music is definitely joyful, but in a deeper darker way. For me joy is not happiness. This is circumstantial. Joy is not. I often feel like I don't have joy, but perhaps it is not something to have or not. Perhaps it is an ever-present existence which we can participate in like swimming. In this light, I dove into it and tried to see what was true there.
Happiness, sadness, anger, justice, all swirl around in joy. It could be dark and deep and cold or hot and light and quick. Or a mixture of them all. In this sense it is terribly formidable. Strange, wild, untamed, and scary like Bacchus without Aslan's presence.
Perhaps I don't lack it, but rather fear it and therefore stay in the shallows. God, that I will dive deep and let joy permeate me.
Today I was listening to The Big Roar by the Joy Formidable, a great band from Wales. The sound is rich and symphonic; the lyrics are deeply poetic. The music is evocative like liquid emotion.
While I was listening in the car a wave crashed over me and I realized that the album and the band name are touching a deep reality. Joy is a complex concept. It ranges from simple happiness for many people, to something much more mystic. The music is definitely joyful, but in a deeper darker way. For me joy is not happiness. This is circumstantial. Joy is not. I often feel like I don't have joy, but perhaps it is not something to have or not. Perhaps it is an ever-present existence which we can participate in like swimming. In this light, I dove into it and tried to see what was true there.
Happiness, sadness, anger, justice, all swirl around in joy. It could be dark and deep and cold or hot and light and quick. Or a mixture of them all. In this sense it is terribly formidable. Strange, wild, untamed, and scary like Bacchus without Aslan's presence.
Perhaps I don't lack it, but rather fear it and therefore stay in the shallows. God, that I will dive deep and let joy permeate me.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Joy
Looking back over the past few posts, I have realized they are quite heavy. I tend to be a bit dark by nature, so that is not strange for me. I can accept that about myself, but I also recognize that where some people may be in need of some gravity, I must consciously find levity.
I have been told that my personality in writing is vastly different than my attitude in person. This is not strange among writers either. Writing is a way to tap into and express things that can't be expressed well in other means. I am actually more suspicious of 'posery' (to coin a term) when someone is one way through and through. We are full of so many attitudes and emotions, to be totally dominated by one thing does not seem natural.
So, this post is an attempt to think gravely about light things...there's a Navajo concept!
There are many kinds of simple graces, or blessings in life. Sometimes we are so caught up in them that we do not realize them. We can all think of those Hallmark moments and they have their place...but I won't delve into that sap. Rather, have you ever felt an inexplicable joy rise up inside you? Sometimes it is triggered by an event, but not the ordinary happiness from circumstance. I mean the real, crazy, deep bubbling over type of joy that can't be contained! It is simple in that there are no parts or angles. It is simply joy. This is what our poor worship leaders strive for in their various styles every Sunday, but very often have to fake because it just can't be achieved on cue.
Of course there is the very mystical kind of joy that comes at seemingly random moments. But there is also a joy very nearly like it that comes when we are operating in our place...filling that spot for which we were made. This doesn't have to do with a vocation necessarily, but can come with an activity. This joy feels like God smiling and cheering on us to go and do, like He is there doing it with us and we are experiencing the full exhilaration of God in that moment.
The truth is, He is there with us and we are feeling His exhilaration. Our infinite God has made us all to express a unique portion of Himself. In that way He loves us all uniquely and completely. When we do what it is that we are made for, we can't help but be caught up in that cosmic elation for the thing.
I know that I feel this kind of joy in several places. One is wilderness. When out beyond human things and hanging on my wits and God's grace...at times literally...I feel alive and full, and God is palpably present with me. When swimming, I also feel this. As the water slides by and wraps around me gliding through my skin and hair, I am at one with the water and God is closer to me than the liquid that surrounds me. And when dancing to the raucous joyful music that I love so much, not in a polite behaved way, but in the full-out violent way of King David himself, I am also whole.
Sadly, knowing these instances so well, I find every obstacle in this world climbing up between me and them. Gee, I wonder why that is? It's almost like someone doesn't want me to experience them...hmmm.
What's your joy? Do you do it often? Don't lose it.
I have been told that my personality in writing is vastly different than my attitude in person. This is not strange among writers either. Writing is a way to tap into and express things that can't be expressed well in other means. I am actually more suspicious of 'posery' (to coin a term) when someone is one way through and through. We are full of so many attitudes and emotions, to be totally dominated by one thing does not seem natural.
So, this post is an attempt to think gravely about light things...there's a Navajo concept!
There are many kinds of simple graces, or blessings in life. Sometimes we are so caught up in them that we do not realize them. We can all think of those Hallmark moments and they have their place...but I won't delve into that sap. Rather, have you ever felt an inexplicable joy rise up inside you? Sometimes it is triggered by an event, but not the ordinary happiness from circumstance. I mean the real, crazy, deep bubbling over type of joy that can't be contained! It is simple in that there are no parts or angles. It is simply joy. This is what our poor worship leaders strive for in their various styles every Sunday, but very often have to fake because it just can't be achieved on cue.
Of course there is the very mystical kind of joy that comes at seemingly random moments. But there is also a joy very nearly like it that comes when we are operating in our place...filling that spot for which we were made. This doesn't have to do with a vocation necessarily, but can come with an activity. This joy feels like God smiling and cheering on us to go and do, like He is there doing it with us and we are experiencing the full exhilaration of God in that moment.
The truth is, He is there with us and we are feeling His exhilaration. Our infinite God has made us all to express a unique portion of Himself. In that way He loves us all uniquely and completely. When we do what it is that we are made for, we can't help but be caught up in that cosmic elation for the thing.
I know that I feel this kind of joy in several places. One is wilderness. When out beyond human things and hanging on my wits and God's grace...at times literally...I feel alive and full, and God is palpably present with me. When swimming, I also feel this. As the water slides by and wraps around me gliding through my skin and hair, I am at one with the water and God is closer to me than the liquid that surrounds me. And when dancing to the raucous joyful music that I love so much, not in a polite behaved way, but in the full-out violent way of King David himself, I am also whole.
Sadly, knowing these instances so well, I find every obstacle in this world climbing up between me and them. Gee, I wonder why that is? It's almost like someone doesn't want me to experience them...hmmm.
What's your joy? Do you do it often? Don't lose it.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Beholding Galadriel
Sometimes the greatest revelations are so utterly simple most people don't get it. Not that they are that dense, just that the significance is lost on them because words fail to reveal the depth of the revelation.
I have been trying for the past few weeks to practice the Presence. It's nothing new. I've done it before, but somewhere along the way...I think it was a conscious choice, I am sad to say...I quit. And then it was slowly forgotten. Not that I really forgot all about it, but the importance and the value of this simple lifestyle faded.
I can't say that I've been doing very well at it. In fact, I've been doing quite miserably...but then that might be the first step. It certainly seems to often be a prerequisite for moving closer to God...that is becoming aware of just how miserable we are. As my good friend once said, we are blind, deaf, dumb, naked, and stupid. Yet somewhere apart from our own insatiable ability to mess things up, we are valued. We are loved. And frankly, I don't get it. But I do catch snatches of it on the air...glimpses in odd fleeting moments. Whispers from the mouth of God that I am truly loved. And though I don't understand why, I do understand how because I exhibit the same feelings toward others, family, friends, coworkers, and even the odd stranger that I just see so differently than they appear.
Just this Sunday I was sitting next to a very shy, unassuming, yet sincere and intelligent girl at church. I know her, but she isn't one to attract attention, intentionally or by her nature. When I asked God who I should pray for that service, as I try to do every service at Richard Foster's recommendation, I was instantly drawn to her and I suddenly saw her in a whole new light. She was so beautiful that my eyes teared up (again no surprise for me, I am easily overwhelmed). It wasn't a general awareness, but a totally different aspect, almost like a memory of who she really was...and she was stunning in the true sense of the word. So there I was next to this gloriously beautiful Elfen princess with her power radiating about and I was humbled.
I know that I was given the moment to see her as God sees her...as she really is...at least as much as my base mortal mind can contain. And there was joy. A crying heart-breaking joy. Joy that I was gifted with the moment. Joy that I know I must be so much more than I perceive as well. Joy from understanding that reality is more than we see and feel.
I have been trying for the past few weeks to practice the Presence. It's nothing new. I've done it before, but somewhere along the way...I think it was a conscious choice, I am sad to say...I quit. And then it was slowly forgotten. Not that I really forgot all about it, but the importance and the value of this simple lifestyle faded.
I can't say that I've been doing very well at it. In fact, I've been doing quite miserably...but then that might be the first step. It certainly seems to often be a prerequisite for moving closer to God...that is becoming aware of just how miserable we are. As my good friend once said, we are blind, deaf, dumb, naked, and stupid. Yet somewhere apart from our own insatiable ability to mess things up, we are valued. We are loved. And frankly, I don't get it. But I do catch snatches of it on the air...glimpses in odd fleeting moments. Whispers from the mouth of God that I am truly loved. And though I don't understand why, I do understand how because I exhibit the same feelings toward others, family, friends, coworkers, and even the odd stranger that I just see so differently than they appear.
Just this Sunday I was sitting next to a very shy, unassuming, yet sincere and intelligent girl at church. I know her, but she isn't one to attract attention, intentionally or by her nature. When I asked God who I should pray for that service, as I try to do every service at Richard Foster's recommendation, I was instantly drawn to her and I suddenly saw her in a whole new light. She was so beautiful that my eyes teared up (again no surprise for me, I am easily overwhelmed). It wasn't a general awareness, but a totally different aspect, almost like a memory of who she really was...and she was stunning in the true sense of the word. So there I was next to this gloriously beautiful Elfen princess with her power radiating about and I was humbled.
I know that I was given the moment to see her as God sees her...as she really is...at least as much as my base mortal mind can contain. And there was joy. A crying heart-breaking joy. Joy that I was gifted with the moment. Joy that I know I must be so much more than I perceive as well. Joy from understanding that reality is more than we see and feel.
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