Real change

I'm obviously trying to process a lot lately, which is why I've been posting a lot.  If you find this at random, you might not know that this blog is a place for me to process ideas and emotions, to think out what's going on in and around me.  It's raw and barely edited, some proofing, but largely it is as it comes in the moment, left for you in the off chance that you might find some value in it.

So right as I'm starting to get my feet under me and figure up from down after uprooting my life, giving up my career and moving around the world, I'm now struck by a disturbing thought.  As I sit her late at night listening to the wind swirling outside, I feel a strong inclination that what I'm thinking has all happened before.  Good or bad, I don't know yet.  So that's what I'm hoping to find out here.

I am not happy here, as much as I try to relax into it, to accept it, to let me own desires go, I just don't want to be here.  It's not the country as a whole, it's this particular place and situation.  It's not without it's blessings and charms, but I still on a whole want out.  Only 220 more days or so to go!  But that isn't the disturbing thought.

I was thinking of how to capitalize on this, how to make the best of it, and the thought occurred to me that by making my feelings know I might be shooting myself in the foot.  I should probably, at least publicly milk it for what it's worth and when I return home, spin it into a grand learning experience in which I accomplished quite a bit, even over a rocky start, and boost myself right into something.

Even this isn't the really disturbing part, as Machiavellian and disingenuous as it is, I know my potential to be a politician, to manipulate, so I'm not surprised by that.  But that's when it hit me that this has happened before.  And it worked!  That's what disturbs me.  Eventually I might have even started to believe it!  Which again, isn't the first time, because to sell a con, you have to believe it first.

So I may be wrong.  I may be misjudging myself, as a mentor has told me.  But let's just play out this perspective for a bit and see.  So here goes, this is likely going to hurt.

When I came here before, I wasn't perfectly happy either.  The job was very similar, though I had a few opportunities to sink my teeth in and better relationships that have been lifelong.  But it wasn't perfect and I was reluctant to return, but did for many reasons.  I always wanted to go back, so I started about a process to try to make it possible.  Very quickly opportunities presented themselves and through a little planning, and mostly capitalizing on the opportunities by looking long range, I was able to work my way into a position that received a prestigious award from the government of the country I am now in and made me quite well known in the circles I traveled in my home.  I don't want to over blow this.  Most people wouldn't have a clue who I am and many in the circles wouldn't know me either.  But the point is it worked for my purposes and I was able to keep doors open and here I am.  I'm not even really sure I got well evaluated for the job, but am pretty confident my reputation scooted me through on the grease I laid with my con skills.

So I could do this again.  I could start paving the way now and just to prove it, I'll talk about how.  I'd start by ceasing all negative comment in a remotely public setting, then removing any that have been published on the internet.  Those that remain would be chalked up to a weak moment if ever questioned, who among us doesn't have those, and look at the risks I took, it's natural, right?  Then I'd start manipulating my current workplace.  They have no idea what to do with me and they all either care about their careers or their mission to educate, which is admirable, and open to predation.  So I'd start feeding each teacher what they want to hear and insert my own ideas into their minds by small suggestions until I get to start something that I already know will fail, but which won't be evaluable.  See the success is not important, it's legitimizing the effort.  I just need to be able to say I did, x, y ,z while here.  Then I'll look for some public ways to verify that by starting some social media posts, or groups, organizing the others on the program here for certain small scale events, even starting something regularly to show that I can.  Doesn't matter how well it goes, because like I said, no one really cares.  I just set it up so it keeps my face and name in front of people for later.

Then upon returning, I'll look for opportunities, which won't be hard to find, since I did legitimately put in a lot of time building the persona and no one wants to fill it.  So I can easily take it right back.  At that point, it will be really hard for anyone to verify anything I say, so if I put on the right body language and key phrases, I could even end up getting a job out of it.  None of it is a lie.  None of it would be outright false.  But it's still all a front, a sham designed to get me something.

So is that what I'll do?  I could recount so many instances of doing things like this in other parts of my life.  Like they said in one of my favorite movies, the Prestige, to pull off a deception like this, your life has to BE the con.  You have to LIVE it.

Am I evil?  Do I do hurtful things with my manipulations?  No.  In fact, I do a lot of good with them.  But they are still all masks.  Here in this life, I'm learning to be more honest and open.  I've so far refused to use those tactics.  I'm letting others flounder around when I see so many opportunities to take the reigns to some degree.

Or am I flattering myself?  Is all of this I'm saying the actual fiction?  Maybe I am not so deceptive, nor even so skilled.  The problem is I can't tell.  But I am well aware that to do the same things produces the same results.  So to get different results you have to do different things.  This is why people will occasionally disappear from public life.  Or sell out of being a lawyer to be a lawn guy.  So I came here in an attempt to change the story of the rich young ruler and to actually get out of the boat and see if I can walk on water.  So what happens next?  If you read this, you'll have your answer...unless it's just another play in my long game.

Not for me

I am amazed at how selfish I am.  I don't think of myself as selfish, and others might call me generous.  But I recently had a realization that stands out to me as more than my own thoughts.  I think this because for one, it hasn't faded.  One thing, I think it was Black Elk, said was that you can tell dreams from visions because dreams fade and visions don't.  I have found it applies to thoughts as well.

Secondly, it brought the most peace I've had since this whole process of moving to the other side of the world started.  I've prayed and sought counsel and prayed, and meditated, and read, and prayed and sought more counsel, but it has been a hugely uphill climb for me, one thing after another.  I think I'm cresting the peak, and there's another just behind it.  I still haven't hit the level ground yet, I just think I'm starting to get used to the struggle.

This revelation was simply, "this isn't about you."  Specifically, this whole process, wasn't for me.  This whole journey, adventure, call it what you will, it was not me who wanted it, and I'm the one enjoying it the least and struggling the most.  I honestly did all of this for my family.  Sure, when I was the one offered the job, I thought maybe there was something for me.  When it all kept working out, I thought it must be meant to be.  But I never knew what that reason or purpose was.  Through everything, in my deepest heart, I didn't want to do this.  Sure I hoped it would work out and I even built a few castles in the air about the whole thing, but I couldn't escape this reluctant feeling.  So sure enough, when things got difficult, I second guessed, I thought we had made the wrong choice, I looked for ways to undo it and salvage what I could of my life.

But meanwhile, my wife and kid are doing quite well.  They've had their ups and downs, some of them pretty serious.  But overall, I think they would call this positive, apart from what it's done to me.  I get that, because the first time we did this (yep, it's all happened before) I was having a great time and my wife was struggling deeply.  She just carries her burdens differently.  Our kid was too young then to have a bad experience as long as mom and dad are there, so he was fine.  This time though, they have work, friends, they even get invited places.  I'm the one that is sick all the time, with little to do, nowhere to go, only the merest acquaintances for friends, working a pointless dead end job with very little respect that ranges from polite disregard to outright disrespect (the head at one of my work locations told me last week that he liked my predecessor better, in nearly as many words as that, thought he still won't tell me why or what he expects me to do differently, and he's one of the nicer ones).

So again, I prayed and searched and kept coming up dry.  But then, I don't even remember when it occurred, the phrase passed through me mind like an electric shock.  I'm part of their story too.  We can't be separated, physically, spiritually, or in the narrative of our lives.  So this time it's their turn.  My wife even wrote that in her application essay (we both applied for work; I got in and she didn't).  So here we are, they're enjoying it and I'm not.  But that's because this isn't about me.  It's for them.

I understand that nothing is ever that simple.  I also know that such revelations are for the moment and, as George MacDonald termed it, become inedible tomorrow, like the manna in the desert.  But that doesn't negate the value.  It is sustaining me for the moment, and that is exactly what I needed.  Something to sustain me, to give me a reason to get up and keep doing this.  And it also gives me a reason to shut up a little.  I can't hide my struggles from my family.  That would be to make matters worse.  But I can also, as much as I am able, not inhibit their ability to enjoy and gain from these experiences, which appear to have a prewritten close.  We didn't know it coming in, but I had prayed not to have to make the decision to stay or return, and it appears that has been granted too, thank God. But that's a story for another time.

Right now, I'll take the consolation I can get and I'll continue to try to learn from this all...that's what I do.  And right now, I'm learning how selfish I still am.  A mentor of mine once said that self-centeredness has many manifestations.  We all know the bratty child (or adult) that has to have everything their way.  But focusing on ourselves in other ways is just as much selfishness because it's still self-centered.  We can be entirely self-deprecating and still be as selfish as the brat.  To cease being selfish, we have to cease putting ourselves at the center of our own universe.  And this is not something I can do on my own.  Nonetheless, it must happen.  So I'm going to open myself once more, and hopefully a little wider, to the saving, transforming power of the Lord of Spirits.

God you know my heart better than I do.  You know my needs and my desires.  You know my abilities and my flaws.  I am what I am and in myself that is as much as I'll ever be.  If I am to be anything more, to be better, to be greater, freer, more real, complete and alive, then you have to do it.  I can not.  You know I've tried.  And you know how I've continued to fail and strain and lie.  So here goes, one more time, hands off the rope.

Dog and Lamb

God I am broken and my heart is heavy. I have lost what little joy I had. I am the lost lamb and the sheep dog at the same time.

I saw you point so I ran. I didn't know why, but I always want to go where you point so I went. Then I crested a hill and could not see anything. I could not see you. I looked around. I didn't know where to go. I yelled for you. In the distance I thought I heard your whistle. But I couldn't tell where. I yelled again and your whistle was fainter, but I thought it was the signal to go on. Maybe I would find what you sent me for.

The way has gotten rocky and cold, wet and dark. I cannot see the sun. I cannot hear you. I yell and yell.

When I can't see you, I listen for your whistle or the thumping of your staff on the ground. But I can't see anything. I can't hear anything.

I don't know where to go or what to do, so I will find a sheltered place and wait. It's too dark to see. I am cold and lost and hungry, but I will wait for you to find me, to carry me home.

Have I failed? I want to say I acted in faith, but a voice inside says, "did you?" I would not blame someone else in this case, but I want to blame myself. So I will not listen to this voice. I don't want to hear it any more. Even if I am at fault, don't I also receive forgiveness?

I hear the scratching and clawing of beasts around the crevice of rock I crawled in. It is cold but dry and the crawling things that live here do not bite. They have let me in. But the beasts can smell me. I can smell them. I have fought them before. I have been brave when you were coming, when you sent me. But I am too cold and sick. I hurt in many places and I can't see in this dark. They keep reaching for me, but they haven't found me yet. When light comes, I will try to find my way back to where I last heard you. If the beasts don't get me first. But even that seems better than this cold lonely dark.

Left and lost continued

I'm really attempting to change my thinking, and the last post seems full of a lot of focus on the negative while filtering the positive. So here is my ungainly attempt to alter my focus.

It isn't all bad. Pay is good, all three of us are working.

Medical is insanely cheap and good quality. In fact it's so cheap I feel like the rich guy who balks at prices. What they call expensive is still a quarter of what I'd pay even with insurance in the US.

People have helped us whenever we really need it, sometimes going out of their way significantly, like finding us this house. Which while very old and below standard for most US houses is crazy cheap with a very sweet and kind landlord who lives right next door.

Work is super easy.

Nature is beautiful and easily accessible here. Fences are pretty much unheard of, even for dogs.

There are lots of artisan type places with handmade goods, specialty foods, etc. Including the best real Italian pizza I've ever had.

Crime is negligible. Our door doesn't even have a lock from the inside and stores leave stock out all night. People abhor violence here for the most part and even fights are tame compared to the US.

People are super polite, even if this is one of the ruder areas of the country. Even the tough guy says thanks and excusie me if he goes ahead of you at the checkout line. Store staff are helpful and actially try to get things right.

There are a couple of bright-spot people I really am glad to know here.

We don't have to travel far for anything. A long way off is a 20 minute car ride, and an hour is  something of day trip. You never get stuck in massive inching backups which were my daily commute for so many years.

So I guess this kind of works.

Left and lost

I hear a lot about not being afraid to leave your comfort zone, about taking radical leaps of faith. Well, I tried to do that, and so far it has been entirely no picnic. I've been washed by doubts and fears, had difficulties thrown in at every turn, none of them severe enough to stop it from happening, just enough to make me sick and miserable. And I've seen no fruit from it whatsoever. I have no idea what I'm doing here, if I should have come, if or what I'm supposed to do. I receive absolutely zero consolations or guidance during prayer. And yet it's not as if there is anything really stopping us from being here, in fact that part just keep easily sailing along. The only part is I don't want to be here.

I have analyzed it up and down in so many ways, I'm not going to rehash it here. But I'm now faced with a decision to commit to not only the year I already contracted, but an additional year. So 5 months in, I have to decide about the next 20 months. The first 5 have been on a whole pretty difficult. I have even had to finally see a doctor about symptoms and get counseling for the stress. There are still so many things thst need doing to make life comfortable.

And that word comes out with a bad taste, but I invite you and the part of myself that hates the word to try this. See what it does to you to leave the life everyone says you should work for to come where you can barely communicate, hardly read, no one you work for really wants you or needs you around, though they keep requiring you to make a show of it by simply standing beside them for hours each day, saying nothing, doing nothing, but not able to do anything else more productive, and then trudge home on foot in the dark and increasing cold in a place where rain is literally the norm, to a house that has substandard everything, including literal mud walls and doors that don't seal without even the technology of a fire place to heat it. Where you keep getting sick from contact with kids and people who don't understand basic hygiene and think that keeping rooms at equal temp with the near freezing outside is healthy in some way. With a teen who really wanted to come but blames you for every instance that doesn't meet her expectations.

So what am I doing here? Am I in the wilderness on the way to the promised land? Am I drowning in the waves I tried to walk on? Did I just misinderstand everything? Am I Jonah in the whale right now, running from my purpose to find what I thought was better? I have prayed and prayed that I won't have to make these decisions any more. And yet here I am faced with another one. Anxiety attacks are becoming my norm as one after another challenge presents with no sign of abating. And tomorrow I am meeting someone who wants to try to convince me to stay. Which, if it were to work out, I estimate would cost me several thousand dollars more to accomplish.

If there's some thing I'm supposed to learn here, someone please tell me. If there's some direction I can't see, what is it? Because right now I can't stop counting the days until I can return to the place I have roots, which I also hate for other reasons, and pick up the pieces of a life, all the while doubting if some breakthrough isn't just around the bend.

I can't make this decision.