Radical

I just finished reading a book by this title. It came highly recommended. But I was only partially impressed. For one thing, I really felt that most of it was overly simplistic and old news. Do you mean Christians really don't know this about Christianity? But sadly, that is probably the truth. Most people may not know that stuff. Secondly, the book was poorly written. It had about 3 chapters of a point and 7 of filler, just to sell the paper. State, restate, restate again.

But most of all I felt like I was in a different place. Like I would have raved about it 10 years ago when I was battling full tilt against the raging winds on the plateau of the tough-minded. But now I'm just tired. Sadder and wiser perhaps. I am finally beginning to understand what resting in God means. My faith is deepening. At that time, no one got what I was all about. Many of the same things in the book. But now it's a hot topic? Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I've been lulled to sleep. But I am not so sure.

So if you want to know what's in the book, read it. I'm not going to do a book review. But my reaction is this. First, I'm not Baptist. I keep saying that. I am tempted to say that I am not Evangelical. But that must be qualified. I am not on anyone's partyline. So I'm not that kind of Evangelical, though I have no problems with the real meaning of the word. I just can't bring myself to feel urgency for "the lost". Call it what you will. I can't pretend. I've even tried to fake it till you make it. I do desire that people know God and I do believe that Jesus is the only full revelation of God and salvation. I pray for people. I am sickened by injustice. But I don't think it's up to me. They won't go to hell because I slip up, or give up, or fall prey to the sins I am wont. That's just too much pressure. I'll crack! By this logic, if I yawn in public, I might miss the one golden moment that I was supposed to say just the right thing to save that person. But you know what? I can't save anyone. I can't even save myself. God had to come find me, and I was busy digging deeper into my mire all the time. He had to pull me out fighting against him. Wouldn't he do it for everyone? The truth is Jesus has saved us, all of us. Some of us will never accept that. But I pray that this will change. I pray that every last person sees the truth and comes to God. I pray that I can be bolder about sharing what I believe. But we cannot work for our salvation or anyone else's. It isn't up to me, it isn't up to them. It's up to God. I must simply do what he tells me when he tells me.

Next, I do reject the American dream. I did a long time ago. Materialism is a sin and we will answer for it. God have mercy. But I can't help being born here. I spent years blaming myself, hating myself. Being so ascetic it hurt me physically and psychologically. It's ok for me to rest. I have given so much that it hurt. I have sacrificed financially until I was going to ruin because someone told me I should. But in the midst of that teaching to others, I learned to relax about it. That I was giving enough. That I was not the kind of materialistic idiot that most Americans are, and I never would be. It's ok for me to enjoy the blessings God had given me, maybe, just maybe, because I never allowed myself to in the first place.

Now whatever you do, don't sit there and say, "yeah...that's me too! Yeah, I'm ok!...I'm just enjoying the blessings God gives me!" This cop out will damn you. I have arrived at this statement through many tears and long sleepless nights. Through much introspection and circumspection. And I still question myself every day. I still beg for mercy for my callousness and blindness. I don't know where you are and I won't judge, but don't delude yourself either.

For years, I had this foreboding that this year would be important. In May, God told me that this would be the year of my death. I have no idea what that means. Maybe it was just my own imagination, but I don't think so. A long time ago some cracked sister whom I had just met looked at me strange and said, "Are you an Evangelist?" like I had a name tag that she had just read. Once someone slipped me a note that said, "you will reach many people." And last night, God told me that I am an evangelist. But I don't think this means what most would have it mean. I know that I will be asked to do something radical at some point. I fully expect to die before a ripe old age, and probably violently. I do not hide this from my friends and family, though they blow it off mostly I think. I have no idea what most of this means. But I'm tired of hiding it from everyone else.

Things are changing. I feel myself being positioned for something. I've felt it before. A sea change, so to speak. All of these things are running through my head. Are you a part of it? Have you been waiting for someone to say just this? What is it I'm supposed to do? What is it you need? You know who you are; your heart just pricked when you read this.

Systematic

I am a systems thinker. I was trained to assess things, to look at processes and flows, to break down an occurrence into its causes. But I was also trained to look from multiple angles, to think of all possibilities and to fit pieces together.

Recently, I fell into an age old theological debate, entirely on my own. Of course I'd heard the arguments, Calvinist/Armenian, predestination/freewill, etc. But they just seemed like debates. Then in reading Romans recently, I was stuck on chapter 9 and 10 where Paul discusses that God calls whom he will. He has mercy on whom he will, and that he hardens whom he will. This wouldn't rest in my mind. If that were true, how could anyone be saved? I wrestled with this. I asked God to clarify. I read commentaries and other versions. I compared other passages. I read various denominations' interpretations. It became clear to me that this was precisely the root of the old debate I mentioned above. And none of the explanations were satisfactory.

Without delving too much into the brier patch of this debate, the biggest issue for me is that the bible has many passages about salvation being for all, and that any who come will receive it. And there are many passages about God foreknowing and choosing. That no one comes unless he makes it happen. I even compared authors. Paul makes both kinds of statements. Jesus himself makes both kinds of statements. So I can't even rule it out as author's perspective.

Either God calls us or he allows us to choose. We can shade it various ways and try to trim the edges until they both fit. We can completely jump off into heresies of the ages that resolve it by changing other facts. Or we can ignore it altogether. None of these options work. Each require adding or abridging elements of the process or facts.

But I have come to some sort of a resolution for myself at last. That resolution is that I don't know. Ruling must be withheld because obviously all the necessary information is not available. This is a very different thing than saying, "It's a myyyyssterah of Gawd, and nawt for us to cuessstionnah." That would be the ignoring tack.

What I know to be true is that I in no way saved myself. I did nothing. I didn't even repent until I was forced to it. Like my teacher Jack, I was dragged in kicking and screaming. I had already willed my existence to death and the physical manifestation was quickly catching up. I didn't come to God. He came after me. Caught me in midair leap off the precipice of this life. So for some humbling and inexplicable reason he must have chosen me and I fear always that I am delusional, psychotic, or otherwise doomed for hell despite.

But at the same time, God is merciful. He says that he desires that none should perish. Jesus demonstrated compassion, not judgement.

And finally, God is in total control. Ultimately we can understand nothing that he doesn't choose to reveal. Even if he were a cold and rigid judgemental God that arbitrarily chose some and doomed others, we could do nothing about it. So as Calvinist as it may seem, I am not a Calvinist. Nor am I an Armenian. Nor am I an Evangelical cop out. Just like with evolution/creationism I withhold opinion and am comfortable understanding enough of the system to say so.

But then, that is where the whisper in my heart told me, "the system is the problem." God is not a system. He is a living being. He thinks and speaks and moves. He reaches to us. He pours his life and love out over us. And thinking in this way, the contradiction seems less important. In my relations I speak both kindly and angrily to the same person. I can be calculating and mushy. But I am not raving mad. There are other factors that lead to the tone and the attitude. In my own heart lies the real solution. If I am the image of God, then my being, as imperfect as it is, at least shadows what His is. The problem lies in taking discreet statements made in human conditions at various single points in time, and trying to build an authoritative system from them.