Systematic

I am a systems thinker. I was trained to assess things, to look at processes and flows, to break down an occurrence into its causes. But I was also trained to look from multiple angles, to think of all possibilities and to fit pieces together.

Recently, I fell into an age old theological debate, entirely on my own. Of course I'd heard the arguments, Calvinist/Armenian, predestination/freewill, etc. But they just seemed like debates. Then in reading Romans recently, I was stuck on chapter 9 and 10 where Paul discusses that God calls whom he will. He has mercy on whom he will, and that he hardens whom he will. This wouldn't rest in my mind. If that were true, how could anyone be saved? I wrestled with this. I asked God to clarify. I read commentaries and other versions. I compared other passages. I read various denominations' interpretations. It became clear to me that this was precisely the root of the old debate I mentioned above. And none of the explanations were satisfactory.

Without delving too much into the brier patch of this debate, the biggest issue for me is that the bible has many passages about salvation being for all, and that any who come will receive it. And there are many passages about God foreknowing and choosing. That no one comes unless he makes it happen. I even compared authors. Paul makes both kinds of statements. Jesus himself makes both kinds of statements. So I can't even rule it out as author's perspective.

Either God calls us or he allows us to choose. We can shade it various ways and try to trim the edges until they both fit. We can completely jump off into heresies of the ages that resolve it by changing other facts. Or we can ignore it altogether. None of these options work. Each require adding or abridging elements of the process or facts.

But I have come to some sort of a resolution for myself at last. That resolution is that I don't know. Ruling must be withheld because obviously all the necessary information is not available. This is a very different thing than saying, "It's a myyyyssterah of Gawd, and nawt for us to cuessstionnah." That would be the ignoring tack.

What I know to be true is that I in no way saved myself. I did nothing. I didn't even repent until I was forced to it. Like my teacher Jack, I was dragged in kicking and screaming. I had already willed my existence to death and the physical manifestation was quickly catching up. I didn't come to God. He came after me. Caught me in midair leap off the precipice of this life. So for some humbling and inexplicable reason he must have chosen me and I fear always that I am delusional, psychotic, or otherwise doomed for hell despite.

But at the same time, God is merciful. He says that he desires that none should perish. Jesus demonstrated compassion, not judgement.

And finally, God is in total control. Ultimately we can understand nothing that he doesn't choose to reveal. Even if he were a cold and rigid judgemental God that arbitrarily chose some and doomed others, we could do nothing about it. So as Calvinist as it may seem, I am not a Calvinist. Nor am I an Armenian. Nor am I an Evangelical cop out. Just like with evolution/creationism I withhold opinion and am comfortable understanding enough of the system to say so.

But then, that is where the whisper in my heart told me, "the system is the problem." God is not a system. He is a living being. He thinks and speaks and moves. He reaches to us. He pours his life and love out over us. And thinking in this way, the contradiction seems less important. In my relations I speak both kindly and angrily to the same person. I can be calculating and mushy. But I am not raving mad. There are other factors that lead to the tone and the attitude. In my own heart lies the real solution. If I am the image of God, then my being, as imperfect as it is, at least shadows what His is. The problem lies in taking discreet statements made in human conditions at various single points in time, and trying to build an authoritative system from them.