What If

What if our entire human existence as we know it is a peculiar state encapsulated in matter and time, matrix-like.  What if, in the truest reality, thought and action are so intricately linked that to think is already to do? What if the way to stop us from destroying ourselves was for God to lock us in this sequential bubble called space-time and fill it with thick and slow matter that is always decaying and recycling.

What if the fact that bad things can only happen at points in time and have limited spatial scope and duration is a mercy to limit the destructive capability of beings with the creative mind and will of the All Maker.

What if God determined that he would generate a truly free being that could grow and change on its own as much without his control as possible.  What if he decided to prove that his power was so perfect that even these beings, perfectly capable of unmaking themselves, would come to good and not be lost?

What if this consequence-delaying and scope-mitigating safety net of space-time is the way that could occur? What if humans are grown and not made?  What if space-time is our growth medium, our soil?  Growing us is the only way we could be truly free.  If we were compelled in any way other than guidance, we would not be free to be other than that and could not therefore truly love.

I, for one, would not want someone who only met my needs, even if they were perfectly good at it.  I could never know if they loved me for myself or because I wanted them to.  The only way I could determine that would be if the lover is perfectly free to love or not love, to go or stay, to choose things, people, etc. other than me.  What if that's what we are made for?

What if Jesus expressed this and guided us toward that growth that God knows will lead to our ultimate form?  Our ultimate form would be our ultimate fulfilment.  It couldn't be otherwise, unless our existence truly is a cruel cosmic joke.  But that doesn't even make sense.  Either there is order and it is good, or there is none, in which case we are beautiful but meaningless accidents that have no real value nor can make value judgements...but this is another conversation.

What if, everything Jesus taught was quickly co-opted and filtered through the natural paganism of humanity until he became nothing more than a new god in the pantheon, replacing outworn faces and practices with the same spirit of appeasement and supplication.

What if this is exactly what he meant by "ever looking but not seeing; ever hearing but not understanding".  And "he who has ears let him hear."

If this is the case, perhaps some people are just not developed enough to get it. If this is the case, there is no point in seeking stupid compliance and following rules.  They would only hinder us.

If our conception of God or reality is wrong, then urging people to comply with some system will only cement wrong ideas in them.  Better to let them go and learn and grow.  What if this is the point of the rich young ruler?  What if this is the key to everything Paul said, which otherwise seems so harsh and unJesus-like?

What if we were to try out this understanding and see if it's got any truth?

I have been doing this.  I have not found the bottom of the rabbit hole yet.  My heart swells at each new idea of it.  It's good news that I am bursting to share.  I can't deny it, don't want to.  It fills me with love for the beautiful possibilities I see in people around me in a way that old religion never did.  And it fills me with fire against anything or anyone that tells others lies about what is so good for them.  For the first time, I am beginning to understand how the martyrs could have felt.  I thought I understood before.  But no militant mindset can hold up to what they faced.

So preachers keep preaching your dead theology and keep watching your churches empty.  Ministers keep teaching rules instead of nurturing truth and watch how people fall away as fast as they fall in.  Whitewashed tombs where the dead can bury their own.  Your god is not my God.

My God exists in spirit and truth, light and life and love. And in spite of all the bad, he will make all things good.  And not just good as in lack of bad, but good such that every note of bad that ever existed will be rolled up into a goodness that we can not imagine as we see how it was simply the orchestrating of our own richer blossoming.

I'm not asking you to believe this.  Honestly, I don't care if you do.  It doesn't change anything either way.  I'm just saying, what if...

Systematic

I am a systems thinker. I was trained to assess things, to look at processes and flows, to break down an occurrence into its causes. But I was also trained to look from multiple angles, to think of all possibilities and to fit pieces together.

Recently, I fell into an age old theological debate, entirely on my own. Of course I'd heard the arguments, Calvinist/Armenian, predestination/freewill, etc. But they just seemed like debates. Then in reading Romans recently, I was stuck on chapter 9 and 10 where Paul discusses that God calls whom he will. He has mercy on whom he will, and that he hardens whom he will. This wouldn't rest in my mind. If that were true, how could anyone be saved? I wrestled with this. I asked God to clarify. I read commentaries and other versions. I compared other passages. I read various denominations' interpretations. It became clear to me that this was precisely the root of the old debate I mentioned above. And none of the explanations were satisfactory.

Without delving too much into the brier patch of this debate, the biggest issue for me is that the bible has many passages about salvation being for all, and that any who come will receive it. And there are many passages about God foreknowing and choosing. That no one comes unless he makes it happen. I even compared authors. Paul makes both kinds of statements. Jesus himself makes both kinds of statements. So I can't even rule it out as author's perspective.

Either God calls us or he allows us to choose. We can shade it various ways and try to trim the edges until they both fit. We can completely jump off into heresies of the ages that resolve it by changing other facts. Or we can ignore it altogether. None of these options work. Each require adding or abridging elements of the process or facts.

But I have come to some sort of a resolution for myself at last. That resolution is that I don't know. Ruling must be withheld because obviously all the necessary information is not available. This is a very different thing than saying, "It's a myyyyssterah of Gawd, and nawt for us to cuessstionnah." That would be the ignoring tack.

What I know to be true is that I in no way saved myself. I did nothing. I didn't even repent until I was forced to it. Like my teacher Jack, I was dragged in kicking and screaming. I had already willed my existence to death and the physical manifestation was quickly catching up. I didn't come to God. He came after me. Caught me in midair leap off the precipice of this life. So for some humbling and inexplicable reason he must have chosen me and I fear always that I am delusional, psychotic, or otherwise doomed for hell despite.

But at the same time, God is merciful. He says that he desires that none should perish. Jesus demonstrated compassion, not judgement.

And finally, God is in total control. Ultimately we can understand nothing that he doesn't choose to reveal. Even if he were a cold and rigid judgemental God that arbitrarily chose some and doomed others, we could do nothing about it. So as Calvinist as it may seem, I am not a Calvinist. Nor am I an Armenian. Nor am I an Evangelical cop out. Just like with evolution/creationism I withhold opinion and am comfortable understanding enough of the system to say so.

But then, that is where the whisper in my heart told me, "the system is the problem." God is not a system. He is a living being. He thinks and speaks and moves. He reaches to us. He pours his life and love out over us. And thinking in this way, the contradiction seems less important. In my relations I speak both kindly and angrily to the same person. I can be calculating and mushy. But I am not raving mad. There are other factors that lead to the tone and the attitude. In my own heart lies the real solution. If I am the image of God, then my being, as imperfect as it is, at least shadows what His is. The problem lies in taking discreet statements made in human conditions at various single points in time, and trying to build an authoritative system from them.