Stolen or Lost

As often happens, I'm jumping off from something someone said who may actually read this.  If that's you, or you know who it is, please note that I am being careful to divorce the statement from the person.  As I've stated before, I'm dealing with ideas in this blog, which are the things the internet is made of, and not attacking people.  Truthfully, the statement is nothing more than a point of departure that got me thinking.  So I'm thankful for that and move on in the spirit of healthy salonic discussion and the "you" I address below is not that person, but a strawman I've set up for express purposes of tearing down. (that's actually what 'strawman' means, though people rarely use it correctly.)

So what is this now much anticipated statement?  That God wants his church back.  Yeah, that's it.  If you're let down, you obviously don't read this blog much.  At first, my reaction was "Who took it?"  Who could take it?  Is That-Than-Which-Nothing-Greater-Can-Be-Conceived so easily thwarted that anything which is His could be taken, stolen, or lost?

Now, of course, I get the statement.  I know how it was intended: as a clever way to describe a truth.  So no big deal.  But it lingered.  So as I pondered why, I came to see this as a symptom of the very kind of thinking which has led to the problem being addressed in the first place.  That problem is a lack of true relationship, true following of God's Reality.  See, I know several people right now who are on this journey away from the institutionalized church.  They call it different names, but this has been a grand revelation for them.  I'm happy for them and supportive.  I really am, because I am quite frankly tired of being out here in the woods by myself...both metaphorically and physically.  But more importantly, as one who came through this path myself, I get it.  I know the jaw dropping joy and boundless, sometimes sickening freedom of it.  Come on and catch up so we can move on together!  I hope these thoughts help.

But it's important to recognize that this is not a new thing.  It's not a "move of God."  Honestly, you gotta drop that kind of vocabulary altogether, bro.  God doesn't move like that.  Isn't that what you're waking up to?  His work hasn't been constrained to the various human institutions that come and go.  Sure he's moved through them, but not because of any thing they were.  Not because of anything they 'got right'.  To say so is just a deeper layer of the Pharisaical doctrines that Jesus was so against.  They'd taken the truth and twisted it to their own purposes.  Blind guides.

No God only moves one way.  It's the same way he always moves.  It's the way that Jesus came to show us, and the reason so few in his generation got it.  What were they expecting?  A hero.  A Warrior King.  A Righteous Ruler to wield true Divine Authority and set right all that was wrong.  They got this from their scriptures, just like we get our fallacies.

But what was Jesus?  Not that!  He said over and over, the Kingdom of God is not what men think.  It's within.  It's spiritual.  It's unseen.  He didn't overthrow society, he stepped out of it while staying right in it.  He crossed planes and walked right by those who thought they had it figured out.  The ruler who failed; that's him on the surface.  Just another radical who died.

You see where I'm going with this?  But what he did was change people on the inside.  He made them different.  He healed what was broken at the deepest levels.  I'll say it again, God only moves one way.  And that way is the way he's always moved: in the hearts of each individual person.  In those deep places where our own internal eye can barely see.  That's where he does his work.

Everything that occurs on the physical level is just a manifestation of this change.  A projection of a mutlidimensional existence into 3 dimensions.  It all comes from that.  On our own, we can't keep from getting the cart first.

So, remember that while this may be new to you, and the greatest thing ever.  It is...to you.  But you aren't the first, not even the early generation, man.  We had these same 'movements' in the mid '90's.  Right down to the house churches and all, bro.  I'm not saying their bad.  Walk your walk out.  You can't be expected anywhere on the path but where you are.  But realize things are just well in God's Kingdom.  They've never been shaken by winds of change in the world.  No one can take God's church, man.  He can't lose it either.  What was lost is us.  What's coming back is you.  What he's changing is your mind, not the world.  you thought you knew how it worked, but you've learned better now.

Read more old books.  Rome had it.  18th century France had it.  19th century England had it.  Early 20th century Europe had it.  Same abuses, same institutions painted in the fashions of the day.  And the same people realizing what's real and what isn't.  The same people awakening to what you are feeling now.

I know it's tough to shed old habits, and you'll probably get it wrong for many more years.  I'm just a little further down the path myself, so I'll be a different person soon too.  But one thing I can see from my view of the bend that you haven't gotten to yet is the lack of the preachy interaction.  Man, everything you learn isn't a revelation for everyone else.  Heed it.  Share it for sure.  But know, you aren't always gonna be at the head of the charge.  In truth, you never really were.  You just thought so, bro.

Now, jog on up here and let's go further up and further in together!

Aha!

A while ago I mentioned briefly this feeling I've had at times in churches when I try to let go.  There's two reactions: uncontrollable crying and desire to tear the place up.  This happens when I try to open up to God in the service.  Not every time, but a lot of the time.  See usually, I sit quietly, but feel a bit like I have to strap myself in the seat...restrain myself you could say.  So I have various techniques for doing it.  Over the years they've become habitual and I don't really think about them that much.  This lets me get through the service without making some kind of scene. But when I decide to see if God is doing something; open myself up to whatever He has in that moment.  These are often the reactions I get.  I have never known why.

In the last post that mentioned it, I ended up going off in another direction and never explored it.  But then today, I tried again as I watched all these people doing similar behaviors, one arm raised, head to the side, swaying to the music, hands clutched to chest, etc.  I was thinking, is this just mimicry picked up from watching others and assuming that's what it looks like to have a spiritual experience of worship, or is it something universally real that I am missing?  So I opened myself and asked God to tell me what He was doing.  I felt the old desire to tear the place up!  So I quickly shut it down...but not before the thought hit me in connection with a recent Facebook post I made which quoted a modern adaptation of Isaiah 1:11-17.  I had posted it after reading it because it affected me so dramatically at the moment.  This connection was fleeting, but lingered long enough to make me question...am I really connecting with God's heart here?

Is my desire to tear up the place coming from His sorrow and frustration at the facade of religion that obscures who He is?  This is not unfounded.  Jesus tore up the temple courts in Jerusalem for the same reason.  There are many verses in the Bible where God expresses his displeasure at this very thing and the destruction it would cause.  Could the tears also be the other side of that coin?  Anger is just an expression of hurt, as is sorrow.  We feel both at the same time on many occasions.  Since our image is God's it follows that He feels it the same way.

So I delved a little deeper into that feeling and discovered that there isn't any malice in it.  I don't want to hurt people; I don't even have any ill will.  I just want to tear out the facade.  So I thought, what would I say if I did it?  This is what I discovered:

I would charge the stage, take the mic and as I set about tearing apart the decorations and apparati, I'd ask everyone if God was real to them.  Is He really real to them?  Is this all they expect?  Wake up and for once follow their hearts fully!  Let's see God really show up then and there!  I'd jump across the rows of chairs toward any person who responded, climb the light fixtures and rafters and bring the place into chaos.

No doubt most people would be terrified and I'd probably be tackled and drug out screaming...but if God did show up, there would be a moment like Pentacost...the real deal, not the equally fakey occurrences that happen weekly amongst groups of the pentacostal bent.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever longed for something so real and hated the falsity of anything less?  Have you felt things inside you that you aren't sure where they come from?  If so, don't settle. You're not alone and perhaps even less alone than you think.

God did it

I've been saving this up until the entire deal was over and I could safely say so.  Now I believe it is true.  Here's the story.

We bought our house at the tail end of the housing peak.  We were smart enough to avoid the pitfall mortgages and to buy a house that we could afford.  We bought it under value, did lots of work to it, and in a year had it reappraised.  We had gained significant equity which we thought would preserve us during the inevitable crash that everyone with a brain saw coming.  But it didn't.  The values fell so far that we not only lost the equity but the house was valued at less than half what we paid for it.

Now things were still good in that we could afford it.  But the neighborhood, which was not the best in the first place began to slip and we could not sell or refinance.  We were locked into the payment for thirty years.  At the rate of recovery there was no way we could ever make back the money and certainly not within a time frame which we needed to move.

So we debated several things and investigated options and ultimately sat on it until the time seemed right.  Earlier this year, that time hit.  We decided we needed to get out.  Trouble at my son's school, new neighbor issues, the huge albatross of a home investment, family issues all pointed to one thing.  But we knew we had no options before.  but we also know that God is all powerful and works in the world today.  So I asked him to take care of this some way or other.

I called the bank to ask about options, knowing there weren't many for people who were smart enough to afford their homes...why would a bank help someone who could pay?  But they said there were programs for our case.  So I needed a realtor.  My wife knew one who turned out to specialize in short sales, so we signed up with her.  She gave us details about programs and processes and we were in for the haul, expecting this could take nearly a year and cost us money in the end.

But then the bank told us they had a program that was essentially a "no doc" short sale.  We say we need to sell and they work with us to do it.  No financial record search, no haggling, etc.  Our realtor had never had something like this before.  Even her other short sales with far more hardship were slow and painful.

We listed the house and had a buyer in less than a week.  The bank told us how much we needed to get and we had more than that.  It took a few months to work out all the paperwork, etc, but this month we closed the sale, had the balance of debt written off, and even came a way with a nice relocation incentive.  All told about 4 months.

We even found a nice house to rent in a good area with more square footage and for less than our mortgage payment.  I know no one who has had it this easy.  Our realtor doesn't either.  I know others in the process who are struggling through in the typical fashion or through other similar relief options.

I did nothing to make this happen.  I have no special knowledge of real estate, and I am not a holy man.  There is only one explanation for this entire process:  I asked God to do it and he did.  I don't know why he might not do it for other people.  I'm not going to start making theological premises out of it.  Suffice to say it is not by works of righteousness which I have done.  But the credit must go to my God who claims to know and control all things and who promises to give us good things, and he did.

Called Out

The original word for church is Ekklesia, or Ecclesia, depending on how you want to transliterate. It means literally "called out". That Ec- is still in English with the same meaning: Ecstatic, Eccentric.

I am called out. I recently realized...no I'm trying to be more literal...God recently told me that my new diet and the condition that led to its necessity are not an accident, nor a flaw. I was being set apart and this is a mark of it. Like John the Baptist with his skins and locusts, Elijah, Jeremiah, David, Samson, the list goes on...all are set apart for God's purposes and all had outward signs that made them stand out.

I cannot eat the food of the culture. I must live on a simple diet. I am not upset by it actually. It perfectly suits my personality...imagine that, being suited to our lot. So I will not look at this as a fault or a cross to bear. To me it is a joy. I've never experienced this aspect of life, though I've read about it often. I am glad in what many would see as difficult.

I've also often talked about being drug into this life. It was chosen for me and I had little to do about it. Much like Jonah, I couldn't even run from it when I tried. To not do it makes me sick. I was tired of being sick. I was tired of feeling bad. I had prayed this so often. God has answered my prayers.

I'm not pretending that life will be happily ever after. I'm just rejoicing in this newfound release. I'm celebrating in having been chosen for this life.

I saw my mentor and spiritual director last week as well, and as usual, he spoke right into me in a way that even he does not understand until he sees my reaction to it. He confirms for me who I am and tells me that I am not insane. I'm not going to explain what he said or how it affected me because it is too personal.

I am very thankful right now.

Extrication

I know that I have everything I need. I know this on the level that all my physical needs are met. I know this on the level that I have all the weapons I need to survive. But lately, I haven't felt it.

I've been extremely stressed and angry. My fuse is getting short and tending toward violence. These are not good patterns. Lately, I've even noticed that I'm warm all the time...hot really. My wife even feels cold sometimes when i am uncomfortably warm. I think something is about to happen. I feel it getting close. To throw back to my Twilight metaphor...which as I've said before is a very insightful book series, even if packaged in a tweeny fad fantasy...I feel like Jacob about to become a wolf. I really find that character appealing, even down to the dog aspect...everyone knows I often refer to myself as a sheepdog.

From another perspective, I have too much fire in my belly. I'm not built for a tame life. Something will have to give. I haven't hit my stride yet. I have not made the change. But I have never done well caged. I am no house pet. And what are our homes and jobs and suburban lifestyle but padded cages? We are locked in debt and consumerism and civic duty and propaganda images of the ideal life which keeps us safely oiled parts of the machine of society. This works for some people and I am learning to accept that diversity even though I do not in the least understand it.

I have recently also been searching for my way out. Not a temporary escape, like Japan, though that too was immensely good for me, but a real permanent restructuring around who I am. Who I was made to be. But the old questions still come up. How do my diverse interests and skills tie together? What is that place that I was cut for? I have yet to find it.

But I do feel like I am getting closer to understanding it. I know that it must be a permanent change. I know that it will involve a freedom from the strictures of the "American Dream". I know that it will be free from the strictures of the American church culture. I know that it will not be for profit, and likely not "economically sound". And very lately...today in fact, as I was pleading with God, as I have been for several days now, to give me something, I discovered the core of my existence. I know it because it fits everything I've ever known about myself. It's not even the first time I've had it revealed to me. But this time it is clearer and slightly more defined, like a glimpse through the mist that is slowly blowing by. It's hard to articulate just yet because, like I said, I don't fully know how it will manifest. But I know that I was built to be a voice and protector of the lost of the lost. The marginalized. Those most of us sweep under the rug. The ones who scare the Sunday Christians to death. It's the type of people illustrated in Dominic Balli's video for Warrior and in Mat Kearney's song Down. The most vulnerable and beaten and lost. I want to put my hand between the cutter's blade and arm. Hold the hair of the bulimic. Wherever the deepest hurts are that can't be expressed, that is where I want to be. I want to be the Catcher in the Rye. I want to set up shop at the Gates of Dis. But as you can see, this could manifest in so many ways!

I am becoming prepared for this. I am hardening in body and mind. I am stripping away what is false. I will become what I am made to be and it will be soon. This fire will burst forth like a holy dragon. And this current attack will not stop me. It was a good try, but I know now that I have all the weapons I need and I'm learning how to call them up and wield them.

This has to be because otherwise a long life is pure torture. I can't live in sight of these needs and unable to help. I can't settle back and enjoy the cage. I am John the Baptist, David on the run, Joshua the warrior. Like all the seers before me, i am unable to do anything else. My life is forfeit to God. I will get out. Mark the words.

Church

This is a difficult topic for me right now. I just read a book that was ironically recommended by a pastor friend. The book comes from a movement of reformers that are a little over 20 years old. They believe that the modern popular expression of church is flawed at the root and should therefore be done away with in favor of something strictly Biblically based. It goes by different names depending on the flavor of the group. I've heard the arguments before for most of it, but some of this book's arguments are really resonating with me and I'm not sure how that will play out.

I've had a problem with the dry knowledge-based church style. It is dead and changes very little of very few people. I've been involved in charismatic-tilted church and seen the personality cults, the blind devotion to 'signs & wonders' and even those who move across the country repeatedly, chasing the latest 'move'. I've been in the growth-based seeker-church and seen the blatant marketing principles applied and worked on people as if God were a Ad Exec. I'm sorry, when textbook marketing gets butts in your seats, you can't call that God.

I've even been involved in home churches that were cloisters of ungrounded, disenfranchized people who just thought they could do it as well as anyone else...who needs the regular stuff, we'll make our OWN church. And the converse where they think all who meet in buildings are apostate servants of the antichrist.

I've also been involved in radical dregs of the earth ministry church that goes in deep and helps people who couldn't even begin to set foot in traditional churches. And there I've seen the hurt create cliquishness and let's just face it, damaged people do damage. When your whole church is made up of people with serious issues, those issues will play out.

Not that all of these things were all bad. I've seen people's lives changed. I've seen transformations and real moves of God. But I tend to think these things are in spite of and not because of the church structure. Afterall, we're all flawed people. Can we really expect our organizations to not be flawed? This is the conclusion I'd come to and lived under for years.

But then, somewhere deep inside me, I've never been able to shake this small voice, almost too hard to hear, calling out for something more. Longing for a group to share my life with...not a life group or some other forced approximation, but a real connection. A community to live into and to raise my child in. A group like Bunyan's troop making their way along the road in the footsteps of Christian. A group where strong faith carries weaker, where helpfulness arises, where there is a palpable realness of spiritual unity. How do I know this exists?

It's in the New Testament. It's in Bunyan's work. I've even experienced it myself...no really, I have. Not for long, but there was a time and a group, several of whom I am still deeply connected to. For a time, we were a real community. Flawed, yes. But there was a real unity that is beyond human ability. It wasn't just a Sunday thing, or a semester study group. These people were brothers and sisters and we shared everything! Not like some hippie commune, but our lives were a part of each other entirely. Our worship, our problems, our challenges, sicknesses, jobs, marriages, social circles, were all intertwined in this group. It was Holy.

But then it ended. Perhaps we tried too hard. Perhaps we tried to do too much. Perhaps we fell victim to the insidious attacks of an enemy that would do anything to bring down that kind of unity. Honestly, I don't care what happened. I don't want that group back. It ended for good reason. But I do want that reality back. THAT I can't let go of. I wanted to spend my life in that.

Every church before or sense has been ok for a time, and then turns miserable. Something just eats it up. The common denominator here is me. So I have tried to change myself and as hard as it has been, as unnatural as it has been, I have been making progress. But then on the heels of a visible, palpable "issue" at my church, there comes this book. And as critically as I have taken it, as much as I have checked references and confirmed his Greek and sniped his logical fallacies, there is a piercing dart of truth in it that echoes across all of what has been good in church in my life.

I feel like Lucy who has just seen Aslan go left when Peter (human authority) and the group (the majority) go right, saying she is a silly little girl. If I don't run after Him, will it be on my head? I know what I saw! I know what I want! Is this the path to it?

My heart beats at my ribs screaming, "YES, YES, YES, for the love of God THIS is it!" But I distrust me heart. It is easily enticed away by sirens who echo what it wants to hear. I have to go down this path, but I will go slowly. God forgive me for it. I want to abandon myself to the current that I know is true, but must test, must know it is the right stream first.

Please God, pull my foot from under me and I will go headlong n spite of myself!