Holy Dog

Conscience is the Holy Dog, sent to bite us on the back of the neck that we will fall to the ground before we fall off the cliff.  I am not the Holy Dog, but I know his teeth well.  I am a voice.  A voice for the voiceless.  And my voice is strong.  So on this I will speak and pray the Dog finds his mark.

As we approach the most important day in the Christian calendar, I am confronted by you every year.  You say you love me.  You say you are a safe place to be who I am.  You encourage me to open my deep pain to you and promise that if I only will, I will find what you have and we will be closer.

But I don't know what you have.  I only know what I have, good and bad.  So I look at you, knowing you can be good and bad as well.  I know that you lie.  I see that no one can be what you claim.  I even know more of what you supposedly know than you can imagine and by your actions you confirm to me that you do not know it well, if at all.

You, church, are a sham, a show, a club created to draw me in with promises that touch a sore place only to leave me hollow, more wounded, and drained.  You are a scam.

You love me?  You don't even know me.  If you do, then why do you constantly tell me I am wrong?

We are all wrong sometimes?  Then why do you never admit it?  No I mean candidly, honestly admit it.  When I gave my vacation money that you promised to use to win the City and only used it to renovate your own building, which you have subsequently re-renovated. Did you give it back?  Did you make amends?  Did you admit you were wrong? I never heard another word about it.

When you said you saw something in me and asked me to help because I had a gift, then left me off the schedule and replaced me without a word, was that love, or flattery to fill the gap in your volunteers? I never heard another word about it.

When you built the giant community building that has less people there than before you built it...you know the one.  It's just like the 25 others at 25 other churches across the area that stand less than half full, and certainly none have fulfilled their promise to win the City.  Were you wrong, or mistaken?  When you were offered warning that this would happen and refused to heed it, calling me obstructionist and quencher, were you justified?  I never heard another word about it.

When you openly accused me of error for not giving to your church when in fact I give to another, plus several charities that you knew nothing about, did you restore my honor before others?

When you said you had a message from God for me that turned out to be entirely wrong, were you malicious or mistaken?  I heard nothing about it after that.

When you said it was a safe place then gave me a look of dire shock and quickly changed the subject as soon as I mentioned my pain, did you provide aid?

When you asked me to join your dinner even though I told you I didn't share your beliefs, assuring me it was just friendly dinner, then started a seminar on evangelism, even asking me for money, then yelled at me for asking why you tried to trick me, did you seek restitution before continuing your ministry?

When you put on a brave face to go on with your service, even though you are not at all in a good place. When you faked emotion on the stage and then collapsed in a huff backstage until the next song.  When you told me I can question, can come as I am, that God will reveal, and yet deny me access to your circle unless I sign your covenants.  When you subtly enforce the appearance before I've understood the meaning...

For all these things I call you wrong.  I call you in error.  I call you out.

Doubtless you will say I am ungracious, but in fact, I am far more gracious than you.  I know I have problems and I know you do too.  Even still I want to be your friend.  But when I hurt a friend, I attempt to make it right, not to make excuses.  I don't give sermons on how I am imperfect too and need your forgiveness...I apologize directly for what I've done.  I try to do better.  I take steps to make it right.  You on the other hand, seem more about making enemies than friends.

This is what I say for the voiceless. 

Who are they?  You'll see them Sunday.  They look like they're trying to fit in, but can't.  They look like they don't quite know how you do things?  They have a darkness behind their smile.  Some look like you and some look nothing like you.  But most of them, you'll only see once.  Others, will give you a few more chances.  And many of them have a deeper and truer understanding of the good God that you claim to represent.  Whitewashed tombs!

I am the voice for the voiceless.  The face for the faceless.  I will also be there Sunday.  I look different from you, so that every time you look at me, you are reminded of them.  You'll see that I've heard it before and I'm not buying it.  You'll see the sadness in my eyes for you and the tenderness in my eyes for them.  And then I'll walk away without a word and go hang out with them. And where we are, there will be Church.  Where a genuine affection is shared, there will be Church.  Where a fault is known and born for sake of the other, there will be Church.  Where they bear with differing opinions for sake of friendship, where one friend supports another, where both try to outdo each other in generosity, where no one shies from the pain of others because they know how bad it hurts...THERE will be CHURCH!  Whether you're there or not.

Faither o' Lichts

Today, I was sitting in church, expecting the usual shallowness and questionable theology.  In front of me was a young man who was obviously disabled. His parents were on either side and doing a great job of lovingly regulating his lack of attention.

I've always had a soft spot for anyone weak or in need. So I exchanged a few smiles and a nod or two with him and began to pray for him throughout the service. I wasn't praying for healing necessarily, but for whatever he needed, whatever his parents needed, and that he would be a blessing and blessed like the blind man I wrote about last.

I couldn't help thinking of the mad laird from George MacDonald's book Malcolm. This character is similarly disabled and quite rejected. But is drawn to understand in what way he can, his purpose and destiny. At one point in the book the laird learns of God as the Father of Lights and latches onto the phrase. Eventually the laird sneaks into a church service where he is not wanted and can't help crying out this name of God. Not knowing where the sound comes from, it creates quite a stir and starts a sort of revival.

The laird repeats the phrase to his death as the only expression of faith he can make. The phrase resonates with me as one who has had many times when words fail. I kept hearing it in my head as I contemplated this boy.

At the end of the service, the pastor made a rare move for him and spoke prophetic encouragement to the congregation. I don't mean some kooky thing, but rather directed truth at us, saying each of us were directly chosen for a purpose, which is a departure from his usual academic expositing style. In the moment I was having, this jumped at me.

Just then, the boy in front of me shot his hands in the air grasping upward. He had not been so dramatic in his movements prior. At that moment, the phrase Faither o' Lichts, in the Scots, reverberated in my mind and I nearly yelled it myself.

The boy's Dad quickly grabbed his arms and lowered them to head off a scene he thought might be coming, and the boy returned to his quiet fidgeting.

But I didn't. I couldn't. I was stifling sobbing heaves and trying hard not to have to walk out of this conservative church with tears streaming down my face.

I made it to the car and broke down. God showed me for the third and most powerful time this week that he is truly everywhere. Nothing escapes his notice or his care. Even when we think we're doing the right thing yet actually stifling him. Even through this young man who no one perceives as capable of teaching us anything. Even in spite of the layers of manmade church crap piled on top of us in attempts to create the experience of greater reality we all need. This boy who is physically incapable of controlling his impulses shames us all in his understanding, and pierces the spring of my dry rock heart in the process.

Faither o' Lichts!!!

New Wine

Think of a world of goodness.  A world of hope and happiness in which people are fulfilled and not wronged.  A place where you are known for who you are and you can drop the masks of conformity and social acceptance.  A place where things are as they should be.

Doesn't exist, right?  Many people have promised it in one form or another.  Many have sought it in one form or another.  Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization.  But our hearts know when it isn't there, right?  Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.

I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper.  That we had to follow him.  That all we had to do was accept his free gift.  Well, accept it and truly believe it.  That, and stop doing bad things.  Oh, and go to church, learn about him.  Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life.  Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes.  Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness.  That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do.  Of course, we can't judge.  Some of them could actually be saved.  But definitely not those over there.

God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind?  Who can keep that up?  It's insidious and wicked to the core!  It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid.  So if that's what hope is, I can't have it.  And without hope, there's only nihilism.  A dry empty desert of never-ending grey.  No direction, no purpose.  Just blind existence.  Nothing matters.  Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.

But in that place, something broke through in me.  It was fresh and bright and full of energy.  I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands.  Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know.  I was just glad to have breath.  To see light.  To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it.  While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked.  I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.

If it ate me up, I didn't care.  That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.

It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught.  So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy.  If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light.  How could I not!  This thing was palpable.  I couldn't go back to that death.  But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught.  When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said.  They said things that flared that light inside me.  Things I didn't find anywhere else.

Now I've blogged enough about my darkness.  That cloud in my flesh never really goes away.  But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see.  And I mean that, no one.  And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.

But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare!  Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?

Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are.  But most of those that think they get it don't.  They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system.  But you can't!

I'm telling you all, you know who you are.  You can't rein it in because it isn't in me.  You can't rein me in because I'm in it.  It's so much bigger.  You touch it and then try to bottle it.  But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth.  I don't steer it, box, it, guide it.  It guides me!  It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me.  In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.

See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying.  You think you've got it.  We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible.  "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart.  Yeah, that's because they're describing this!  It just isn't what you think it is!!  If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me.  You'd look at me like you know what I know.  I can tell man!  I know because I came to it from the outside.  I couldn't see it from the inside either. 

So you know what?  I'm done with it.  I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted.  New wine skins for new wine, yeah?

The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you.  But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error.  We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate.  You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."

But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading.  Because I know you'll come sooner or later.  Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta.  And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way:  Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen.  Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms.  See what happens.  Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response.  Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled.  Don't believe me?  Try it.

To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel.  Chase it down where you find it.  That love won't lead you too far off.  And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me.  I mean that.  I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it.  We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.

Stolen or Lost

As often happens, I'm jumping off from something someone said who may actually read this.  If that's you, or you know who it is, please note that I am being careful to divorce the statement from the person.  As I've stated before, I'm dealing with ideas in this blog, which are the things the internet is made of, and not attacking people.  Truthfully, the statement is nothing more than a point of departure that got me thinking.  So I'm thankful for that and move on in the spirit of healthy salonic discussion and the "you" I address below is not that person, but a strawman I've set up for express purposes of tearing down. (that's actually what 'strawman' means, though people rarely use it correctly.)

So what is this now much anticipated statement?  That God wants his church back.  Yeah, that's it.  If you're let down, you obviously don't read this blog much.  At first, my reaction was "Who took it?"  Who could take it?  Is That-Than-Which-Nothing-Greater-Can-Be-Conceived so easily thwarted that anything which is His could be taken, stolen, or lost?

Now, of course, I get the statement.  I know how it was intended: as a clever way to describe a truth.  So no big deal.  But it lingered.  So as I pondered why, I came to see this as a symptom of the very kind of thinking which has led to the problem being addressed in the first place.  That problem is a lack of true relationship, true following of God's Reality.  See, I know several people right now who are on this journey away from the institutionalized church.  They call it different names, but this has been a grand revelation for them.  I'm happy for them and supportive.  I really am, because I am quite frankly tired of being out here in the woods by myself...both metaphorically and physically.  But more importantly, as one who came through this path myself, I get it.  I know the jaw dropping joy and boundless, sometimes sickening freedom of it.  Come on and catch up so we can move on together!  I hope these thoughts help.

But it's important to recognize that this is not a new thing.  It's not a "move of God."  Honestly, you gotta drop that kind of vocabulary altogether, bro.  God doesn't move like that.  Isn't that what you're waking up to?  His work hasn't been constrained to the various human institutions that come and go.  Sure he's moved through them, but not because of any thing they were.  Not because of anything they 'got right'.  To say so is just a deeper layer of the Pharisaical doctrines that Jesus was so against.  They'd taken the truth and twisted it to their own purposes.  Blind guides.

No God only moves one way.  It's the same way he always moves.  It's the way that Jesus came to show us, and the reason so few in his generation got it.  What were they expecting?  A hero.  A Warrior King.  A Righteous Ruler to wield true Divine Authority and set right all that was wrong.  They got this from their scriptures, just like we get our fallacies.

But what was Jesus?  Not that!  He said over and over, the Kingdom of God is not what men think.  It's within.  It's spiritual.  It's unseen.  He didn't overthrow society, he stepped out of it while staying right in it.  He crossed planes and walked right by those who thought they had it figured out.  The ruler who failed; that's him on the surface.  Just another radical who died.

You see where I'm going with this?  But what he did was change people on the inside.  He made them different.  He healed what was broken at the deepest levels.  I'll say it again, God only moves one way.  And that way is the way he's always moved: in the hearts of each individual person.  In those deep places where our own internal eye can barely see.  That's where he does his work.

Everything that occurs on the physical level is just a manifestation of this change.  A projection of a mutlidimensional existence into 3 dimensions.  It all comes from that.  On our own, we can't keep from getting the cart first.

So, remember that while this may be new to you, and the greatest thing ever.  It is...to you.  But you aren't the first, not even the early generation, man.  We had these same 'movements' in the mid '90's.  Right down to the house churches and all, bro.  I'm not saying their bad.  Walk your walk out.  You can't be expected anywhere on the path but where you are.  But realize things are just well in God's Kingdom.  They've never been shaken by winds of change in the world.  No one can take God's church, man.  He can't lose it either.  What was lost is us.  What's coming back is you.  What he's changing is your mind, not the world.  you thought you knew how it worked, but you've learned better now.

Read more old books.  Rome had it.  18th century France had it.  19th century England had it.  Early 20th century Europe had it.  Same abuses, same institutions painted in the fashions of the day.  And the same people realizing what's real and what isn't.  The same people awakening to what you are feeling now.

I know it's tough to shed old habits, and you'll probably get it wrong for many more years.  I'm just a little further down the path myself, so I'll be a different person soon too.  But one thing I can see from my view of the bend that you haven't gotten to yet is the lack of the preachy interaction.  Man, everything you learn isn't a revelation for everyone else.  Heed it.  Share it for sure.  But know, you aren't always gonna be at the head of the charge.  In truth, you never really were.  You just thought so, bro.

Now, jog on up here and let's go further up and further in together!

Money

Ok.  Nothing tricky here.  Just some thoughts on money that occurred to me today on my drive home from work.  I hear many modern Evangelical Christians talk about money.  It's perhaps the most distasteful topic someone can preach on.  We often assume this is because people are so addicted to money.  Servants of Mammon, to use a Biblical reference.

But I don't think this is necessarily so.  Obviously there are plenty of people calling themselves Christians who most certainly are wrapped up in money, and if not money itself, then the culture of consumerism, which is simply the same vice, a step removed.  But then I believe there are a great number of people (I know several who are decidedly NOT part of this culture of money) that still take issue with it.  Why is that?

I think first, it has to do with context.  Most people who preach about money are doing it in a context where the method of parting with it (for our own good, they say) is to give it to the speaker.  OK.  So you just told me how bad the money is and I should improve myself by giving the bad stuff to you.  Classic con game!

I'm not saying pastors asking for money are intentionally trying to con people, though I know undoubtedly some are.  I think most actually believe their own rhetoric.  Which often includes the ever-popular story of the rich young ruler in the Gospels.   This is where Jesus tells a man to be perfect he must sell his possessions and makes the famous camel through the eye of the needle comment.  I will resist the urge to digress into the misinterpretations of this story, since they are much more eloquently discussed by so many more qualified people than me.  Suffice to say, the speaker most often obviously hasn't followed this himself, so he's got no right to talk.

Other rhetoric centers on the verse about serving God and Mammon.  I've heard lots of exposition on Mammon as a god of wealth or a symbol of the corrupting power of money, but my favorite mammon speech is that it's actually a spirit which curses all money.  Conveniently the way to remove this curse often has to do with giving money to the speaker, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  In this speech, the pastor tries to convince the crowd that money is not bad, it's only the cursed money.  This is my favorite because it expertly circumvents the problem of the church receiving the vile stuff which they then use with relish.  The biggest problem here is that it is not anywhere found in the Bible.  It's all made up once they depart from the one line that says 'Mammon'.  I think it's a popular tactic because it allows the speaker, who is generally an educated person with some training in logic and apologetics to self-delude.  Ignoring issues that include how it got cursed in the first place and why God allows a good thing to be emphatically cursed.  The answer is often that it's God's way of making us give to Him what's His, as if God were a peevish and selfish gangster who would use curses and spiritual thugs to enforce his will.  Instead of the source of love and light near which no unclean thing may approach and from which our definition of "good" is derived.

Back on the practical level, as I was getting to above, the first twinge of dissonance occurs, often subconsciously, by the fact that the speaker is taking our money!  If it's bad, you, pastor, don't want it either!  And if it's cursed until we give it to you, why is not cursed again once you take it?  Is it the act of giving that removes the curse?  What if I was to re-give a pure gift, a birthday present.  Is that cursed?  Someone gave it to me!  If it's cursed once I get it even if given to me, why is it not cursed when you take it?

The answer propounded to this is that it's cursed until I give it to God (i.e. your church, as His agent).  But first I have to ask, what year is this?  Curses and Spirits? Real or not, is your audience even buying that?  And secondly, I can make up stuff too, bro!  If we're just going to pull it out of any random word, I can present you with just as much Biblical proof that God has chicken wings!  And I'm not kidding about that.  Ask me.

Seriously, you just can't ask people to give up money because it's bad for them and then take it yourself.  You really can't even ask for money that you'll use at all without seeming like what you're doing: MOOCHING! to put it kindly.  That's what we call it in any other relationship and you're human too, bro.

Here's what you can do. If your motive is really to help your listeners become better people by letting go of money.  Then don't take it.  Lead by example.  Take up a collection that is 100% going to someone else reputable and unaffiliated with your organization (not a parishioner, either).  Give it away.  See if that boosts your totals that week.  No games, no shaving, or calling your building fund an 'outreach opportunity'.  No lame rebate guarantee "if God doesn't bless you" (I've actually heard this one too).  Simply say, "to prove the principle, all money collected today is going to Samaritan's Purse."  Or whatever charity.  Unless of course you're with Samaritan's Purse, in which case I don't think you're using these tactics anyway, but if you are, give it to someone else.

Better yet, do what Jesus himself did and tell them to give it to the poor... unspecified.  That's what he did with the Rich Young Ruler.  He didn't take it for his ministry!  He set the challenge and sent him off to do it.

The other approach you could take is to specifically tell people what the money is for.  I've watched a struggling church receive a dismal offering at collection time, but then the same crowd dump their pockets for a guy who was building schools in Africa.  Same day!  Same service!  One plate got pittence, the other overflowing!  Why?  Because the school builder was offering a tangible product.  People were buying in, plain and simple.  This of course does nothing to stir people from their money-driven mindset, in fact it might reinforce it.  But at least the money flows to a place where it can do some good and no one looks like a shyster.

But I haven't even mentioned the elephant in the room yet.  This is of course the fact that churches in general are so into money themselves!  They need it.  The organization requires funds to support the overhead and the ministries, etc.  Sounds a whole lot like a non-profit corporation to me...Oh wait, that's what it is.  The modern church organization has become no different than the Red Cross, the World Wildlife Fund, or the ASPCA.  Of course, they'll tell you it takes money to reach people.  But I emphatically and totally disagree.  It takes money to run your organization, yes.  But Jesus himself and countless others have reached many people without a dime.  Yes, you, modern church, are more addicted to money than the majority of people you preach to.  Seriously!  The people you preach to gave some of theirs away and aren't out begging for it!

Your faith was founded by a guy who left his home and career.  A guy who gave up everything.  A guy who never asked anyone for money and never gave it to anyone either.  Sure he used it, but only for it's intended purpose: as a medium of trade.  But he really and truly didn't rely on it.  He even sent his first disciples out with the command to take no money so they would be forced to see God's provision for them.

Bottom line is that you can't tell a kid not to smoke with a cigarette in your hand.  It is the definition of HYPOCRITE!  And we see it. Your mental gymnastics (or the bugaboo ghost stories) won't get around this plain and simple fact.  Even if that isn't your intent, avoid the appearance of evil, yeah?  Give it up!

I speak for the trees.

God, help me.

Christians talk of love.  We're told to overlook, forgive, bear with, no one is perfect, don't judge.  And yet, in so many cases, this is entirely the duty of the listener and not at all reflected by the speaker or his organization.

It starts to sound hollow after awhile.  So I'm supposed to be eternally forgiving offences against me, some of which are grossly wrong...morally, ethically, personally wrong...and yet the person/people preaching this are the very offenders who then refuse to show it to me, to bear with me, to overlook, forgive, withhold judgement of my faults.

Now the moralist in me is screaming that two wrongs don't make a right and that one must do right regardless of how one is treated.  OK.  I know this.  But it doesn't change the bitterness and anger that rise up at it again and again.  And it isn't everyone.  I know many people who do live out their faith and have shown me great love, even when I don't deserve it.  So again, I blame the institution for creating the paradigm in which a man can stand over anonymous heads and orate without having to answer to the eyes and mouths of those he speaks to.  Where he doesn't have to feel the full and immediate effect of his words.  There has to be a better way.

I feel like I know that way too.  I have glimpsed it, smelled it, but can't quite apprehend it.  I'm not planning anything.  I'm over trying to work my own will in these cases.  I just don't have the energy any more.  But I want to understand, to walk in it, to help it grow where it sprouts.

Am I missing something?  I find myself cringing from certain aspects of the faith.  Embarrassed by them.  I don't want to be caught listening to Christian radio.  I don't even like the music.  I just need some uplifting, faithful, stilling presence and commercial radio (at least the genres I can tolerate) is all about degradation and glory in low things.  I hate to pray over meals in public, though I do it at home with a will and a desire to instill it in my son.

Am I embarrassed by the faith?  No.  I'm not.  I'll easily tell someone I'm Christian, that I go to church, that I believe in universal Truth and live morally, etc.  I'll discuss my faith at length and detail in certain contexts, not just amongst other Christians.  So I am not embarrassed by the faith.  So what is it?

If it was just hokey contrivances, I would not do them myself.  So I see value in them.  This means the issue must be deeper.  Perhaps a fear of seeming naive or backward.  Perhaps of being misunderstood.  I can't tell what it is.  My Evangelical background steps forward at this point and begins condemning me that those who are ashamed of Christ, he will be ashamed of.  Words from his own mouth!  And my heart quails.  But yet I find the same reactions persisting.

I am fickle and inconsistent.  And then I am reminded quietly of Peter who denied Christ three times after just proclaiming his allegiance and even using a blade against an armed troop of men to defend Jesus.  I am reminded of Paul who could not do the good he wanted to do, though he knew what it was.

And so this Sunday, when I was sitting in church, at odds with the place and myself, the pastor, whom I don't even know if I like and certainly don't yet trust, calls us to take Communion in a way that does not put me off.  Not single serving plastic wrapped.  Not greatly orated.  Simply saying that we will serve ourselves because, "you need no one coming between you and your God."  And so I go forward, looking into my own heart, wondering what I will say to Him in the moment, though I feel something must be said.  At the same time, I dred that my heart may burst out my eyes in front of everyone, as too often happens when I encounter God.  I take the wafer, dip it in the cup, and at that second, my heart cries out, "God, help me."

I don't even know where it came from...well I do really.  But I was not planning it, I promise you.  I felt my eyes well, clenched my teeth to stop it, and rushed back to my seat.  Then it came to me that this simple line is the essence of my faith, of all faith.  I don't know.  I can't do.  God, help me.

And on this rock, I can stand.  Nothing more, nothing less.  God, help me.  God, help me.

Real Act

I just read an article citing statistical characteristics of kids who grow up in church and don't leave it when they get older.  This is a huge phenomenon, if you don't know.  Kids grow up going to church, doing good things, then leave either quietly or not so much, or fall into problems that most Christians think they should have been insulated against such as drugs, pregnancy, atheism, etc.

This article cited three main characteristics of those that stay. 1. they have had a conversion experience. Makes sense because those who simply grow up there can talk it and walk it, but it isn't necessarily a real thing for them.  So can they truly be called Christians in the first place?  As the Supertones said, "if you say you used to be a Christian, then you never were."

2. they are equipped to deal with life and not just entertained.  Again makes sense because most contemporary protestant churches and probably many of the nonprotestant bent focus so much on drawing them in that they lose all but the merest shred of content and become nothing more than "clean" social clubs. Which apparently aren't that clean either given the ways in which so many I've known have fallen out.  There's an infamous case (which could be rumor, though I don't doubt it could well be true) where a girl got pregnant in the church I grew up in while playing a youth group game...it resulted in a ban on any games that left us out of sight for more than like 5 minutes...which interestingly enough didn't stop any of those who fell out in my day from doing so...hmmm.

3. they are taught at home.  Again makes sense.  If a family is leaving their children's spiritual education up to professionals and volunteers who see them maybe 3 hours a week...c'mon.  But even still this is not fool-proof and I know several very stable families who did everything right to no avail.

This struck me.  I don't disagree with the article.  Makes sense, right?  But still doesn't seem to hit the nail on the head.  So how many will read that article and try to engineer these traits?  The thing is, I can point to many of my own friends who have had a so-called conversion experience who now reject the faith utterly, even those who came and left it far after their teens.  I know people with advanced religious education who have done the same.  These ought to be "equipped", yeah?  And as I pointed out, even the best families can't control everything.  I've seen the controlling ones who drive kids away and the more moderate who lose them still.

I don't know the answers here.  But I do know I am one of those kids who didn't leave, and I know why.  I did hit a wall in my faith as a teen.  I shouldn't say wall...it was more like a desert.  I had the so-called conversion.  I had the equipping and the family training in the form of hours of formal discipleship and biblical training as well as the fortunate gift of logical training and reason.  But it still all just seemed pointless.  As my questions deepened and broadened, the answers I was getting were mostly insufficient because people who were teaching me didn't understand or couldn't articulate themselves.  I naturally began to explore other things after my own peculiar flavor of poison.  But in my case, God pursued me.  He broke through my reality in seen and unseen ways.  He brought notable people who would speak powerful lasers of truth into me...sometimes just one statement at a critical time.  He sent me dreams...vivid visions.  And he allowed me to break myself so that I would be receptive when he stepped in for a greater revelation.

That was when real conversion happened.  Oh yes, it happened.  But it isn't something that can be engineered in a building with lights and music and retreats.  It is a deeply personal, tragic, painful sort of conversion in which I had nothing left and was given a new hope...a new life.  This is why I say like CS Lewis, I was drug in kicking and screaming.  In reality, I was more carried in after I had passed out and given up, but I was kicking and screaming up to that point in that I would accept nothing less than reality, Truth.

A few years after this, a mentor of mine posed this question that reveals for me how I felt prior and after.  He said, "If you came to a fork in the road and Truth went one way and Jesus went the other, which way would you go?"  My answer was a resounding "Truth".  But here's the trick of the question:  I've found that every time I perceive this dichotomy, it's because I have a false conception of...Jesus.  (I bet you thought I was going to say Truth.  If so, you need to stop drinking your evangelical koolaid.)  You see, every time I went toward what I saw as Truth and left Jesus behind, I'd find a clearer, brighter, realer Jesus standing right around the bend.  I couldn't get away from the guy!  And Thank God!  Because when I was utterly undone, he brought me back.

You see, it isn't a choice.  It isn't a point of decision...though I guess that exists somewhere or for some people.  It's an acceptance of what is.  A giving up to what I couldn't change.  The point of decision for me, has come multiple times after that as I am forced to decide whether my experiences are real or if I was/am psychotic.  But when I think about it, I can't choose otherwise.  There is nihilism, the nothing of no meaning, no caring, no feeling, emptiness of unrequited existence, or there is God who has revealed himself to me in the man Jesus.  Psychotic or not, I'm not going back in the pit...probably couldn't if I tried.  He'd just pull me back out again.

So, is Calvin right?  Am I just Elect and these kids, men, women are not?  I'm not building theology, here, just asking a legitimate question.  Or are they just not at the point yet?

Really, this question isn't what we should focus on.  Rather, what are we going to do about it.  If Calvinistic, we don't know who is elected and have a duty to relieve the suffering of all anyway.  If Evangelical, they're just not ready and no amount of coercing or engineering will change that.  So I suggest we start with one thing.  Be real.

Shed the pomp and hoohah.  Cut the bright lights and fancy marketing tactics. Get off the rockstar pedestals and deeply search.  Find out what's real.  I'll help you.  Come talk to me one on one, I promise I won't pull any punches.  You'll walk away questioning things you never thought you could.  Then, once we're gates of hell, standing in the burning pyre, flayed alive sure of what we believe, we simply act.  In the moment, in the real, act.  Feed, clothe, pray, comfort, support, help, encourage, love, bleed, cry, die in proportion to the faith we each have.

This is Jesus, by the book, man.

Tribal Christianity

If you read this blog, you'll know that I often refer to the natural grouping of humanity as the tribe.  This is not my idea.  It's documented.  Birds form flocks, wolves form packs, humans form tribes.

Like anything, tribal tendencies can be perverted and have been blamed for many of the conflicts in Africa.  So much so that many have called for conscious abandonment of tribalism.  As an aside, I think this is a mistake.  We can't deny what we were made to be.  The conflicts come because the tribal balance was artificially disrupted by the European colonization of these places which drew national lines right through ancient tribal holdings irrespective of their boundaries and told all the people to grow up and be Western.  But that's not my point.

My point is that Christianity is a restoration of things.  As such, it is inherently tribal.  The lifestyle of Jesus and the organization of the early church are very much tribal.  People are given an identity, which is permanent and personal.  They aren't members of...they ARE something.  Membership implies that you join and therefore can unjoin.  It's an affiliation that one chooses.  Tribal belonging is who you are.  You ARE this thing.  It is part of you and you are part of it.  It is less what it is without you, and you are not all you are without it.

It has an identity.  The tribe is about something.  People of that tribe look a certain way, live a certain way, and believe certain things about themselves and the world because they are of that tribe.  Yet the tribe is formed because the people share these things.  The identity is the lifestyle, and the reverse.  (Are you catching the organic bidirectional synergy here?)

They both have the same type of government.  Christianity is organized under leaders who both have a divine appointment, and are confirmed by the community.  This may not be your understanding from your version of Christianity, but research the descriptions of the early church in the Bible and you'll see.  "elders" (your translation may say "Bishops", but that term implies a meaning not in the original) are people God has given an ability to lead, usually experienced and older than the headstrong young.  But they aren't self-appointed.  The tribe selects and confirms them through their natural respect of these people.  Those who are elders will be and those who are not will not be.  No one campaigns for it.  See the synergy again?  A council of elders helps guide the group and everyone participates in the government of the group as they have ability.

Many tribes are run the same way.  Often even calling them elders!  You may have romanticized ideas of tribal kings and chiefs and such, but this is far less the fact than the council of guiders.  Plus in root tribal society, there are usually no laws as we know them.  People are guided by what is "right" and "wrongness" is rejected.  They don't need laws because they all know naturally.  In cases of dispute there are procedures to resolve it, or a split may occur.  Which leads to the next way Christianity is tribal.

Tribes are not always homogeneous.  Within tribes there are bands, within bands, families.  Tribes themselves may sit within nations of related or federated tribes.  Examples include the Iroquois, the Five Civilized Tribes, and the Sioux Nation...to name a few from the US (which I'm most familiar with).  Incidentally, the US governmental system of states and congress was largely patterned after the Iroquois who consulted at the Continental Congress, albeit Westernized with Greek and Roman ideas which the Iroquois were against.  Really...look it up.

So it is no surprise that there might be 41,000 versions of Christianity across the world.  One nation/faith with many tribes/denominations which are full of bands/local churches.  Each may vary in their customs, style, and coping strategies, but they are part of the one nation of God.

I could go on and on about how there is allowance in tribes for geographic and environmental adaptation just as Christianity has diverged and adapted to various cultures and situations, how typical roles in the tribe equate to spiritual gifts described in the Bible, how even the conflicts among Christian groups and other faiths mirror tribal conflicts.  But this is enough to chew on for now.

I encourage you to look it up.  Research the organization of ancient Israel, American tribes, and other tribal societies.  Also check the organization of the early church.  Read the Biblical sources, check the Greek, look at extra-Biblical writings from the same period as the Bible, compare anthropological evidence. Use credible sources and get a diversity of opinions.  I bet you'll come to the same conclusion.

And that makes perfect sense if Christianity is a restoration of the way things were intended to be.  The closer people live to how things were originally intended, the more they should look similar, right?

The next question is of course, what should this understanding mean to us?  But I'll save that for later.

Railing

My reader...the only one I think (maybe I should just address these like letters to that person) said that my posts can change dramatically in style and tone. I recognize that and apologize by saying that I wanted this blog to be raw and real, so those swings are actually swings in me, chronicled in the hopes that some other soul may read them and feel less alone...but I know it makes it hard to read sometimes...which is probably why I have one reader. Whom I am tempted to call the "fan base", but I'll leave that reference there just to see if anyone ever gets it.

I also noticed that my blogs tend to be railing sorts of things. Not always, but a good deal of them. My facebook posts are even more so. I don't really like that about myself. I don't start out to be that way. And I don't feel like a very angry or miserable person always. I just think those are the things that get posted more. I have a hard time writing happy drivel.

Honestly, I try very hard not to be negative. This is an uphill battle as anyone who reads this blog will know about me. But it isn't helped by the fact that there are just so many darn insufferable things out there. What is insufferable? Well, for me it is misrepresentations, usurpations, manipulations, by those who claim (and are expected) not to do so. In my world, these are usually people who call themselves Christians and the organizations that they operate. I can't judge what goes on in their hearts, but I can comment on their actions. I want to be clear that I do not judge the person as I judge the actions. I don't. And since no one but God can see into my heart as well, you'll just have to take my word on that. I hope my actions bear it out as well.

I want Truth. I want what is real. Recently, I went into church after a few weeks out. I've been slowly extricating myself from that system of religious obligation and manipulation, but was feeling open and ready to see if God would speak through those present. I was trying hard to not be bothered by the usual irks (plastic expressions on singers, forced hype, awkward smiles covering real hurts, etc.) And then, what met my ears was, well, insufferable to me yet again. I fully believe in a real hell. I've experienced enough of it and what comes out of it to know this, so we are on the same page at the root. I was even able to look past the short-sighted Biblical citations. They were correct in reading, but the speaker failed to mention (if he knew) how those who counter them do so. There are some very good arguments against them that make it hard to use those verses alone as proof of point to someone who knows how to argue at all. If he knew and chose not to mention it, he only sends his flock out with false security against wolves.

But then he went on to start nothing short of brainwashing. Telling the congregation that they may have questions, but so what. Throw them out because if the Bible said it, that was all they needed. At this I was piqued. But then he went on to have a call-response where the congregation was supposed to repeat the mantra that they didn't need proof and their questions didn't matter. I had had enough. I had to walk out. What I felt like doing was interrupting the whole sermon by calling out the heresy right there. Maybe I should have, but most wouldn't have understood what I meant and those that did would have been too bound by their own issues to accept it. I would have instantly rocked their boats so hard, they would have instinctually thrown me out simply to stop the shaking.

So I went to the bathroom to hide for a minute, then look for a place to go. Everywhere I went there were people milling around who knew me and wouldn't understand. I couldn't attempt to talk to them, they'd see my upset. So I had to go outside.

Out there was a world. A world that God made and lived in. There were things living and moving and happening. It was calming. A whole different tone from the cursed tomb that was being created inside what should be a place of life, a well of living water. Instead it was turned into a stinking sepulchre of religious bondage.

Jesus never spoke to people that way. Jesus went to lengths to be tender to people's needs. To meet them where they were. To explain and build trust. He even met with one scholar one on one to explain one of the seminal passages in the Bible! I'm sure he must have done it more, but we don't have record. He still does this today. I thought we believed he was a living and active and caring God. Yet speakers like this try to force their point on the masses who look to them for guidance through manipulative techniques like that. God, it would be better to have mill stones hung on their necks and be thrown into the sea than to lead those astray. The Bereans were commended for questioning what they were taught and searching it out to see if it was true, not expected to blindly repeat what they were told! It hurts me and makes me want to rend my clothes! And my only outlet for this is some lonely blog with one reader. I am thankful for that, don't misunderstand. But it makes my heart cry out like David, "How long, God?!" How long will this evil continue? God I want to see your mercy and grace poured out on these people, even the speaker.

And yet these masses will listen for a while, until the stench builds so strong in their noses that they know something isn't right. Then they leave as well...probably to be more disgusted with Christianity and less friendly to the one who came to do away with this very thing. Jesus only ever railed against the religious and self-righteous...with good reason.

lost world

Someone commented to me about the last post wondering why God hadn't spared me that pain. I truthfully never even thought of it in terms of why didn't he spare me, or anyone for that matter. I guess that requires that you expect something from God to start with. I guess I can't help but seeing how bad and unfair the world is. That's what led to the nihilism anyway. There seemed to be no order, no reason. The good suffered and the bad were rewarded and at other times it went the other way around. And through it all people bickered and competed over the most stupid unimportant things.

Obviously what I had been taught about God and the world didn't appear to hold up. It still doesn't to a large extent. That's what makes me so upset with the trite answers. I didn't look like I was that close to the edge most of the time. I had moments, but otherwise, I looked pretty together. So in any group, I always consider who might be sitting right there teetering on the very brink. Who might be a thread away from harming themselves or others. One careful word or kind gesture may prevent a tragedy.

There are so many people for whom life is a cruel joke. They want something real, something permanent. Something they desperately need but can't find anywhere. There's churches on every corner. If that was the answer, you'd think in 2000 years we'd have made a bunch more progress than this, huh? We are corrupt beings. We white wash it, but it only takes an open eye to see the results of our poison.

Jesus railed against the religious institutions of his day. He spoke in the "churches" of his era, was trained as a teacher, a preacher. But he offended them so much that he had to take to meeting in the country. John the Baptist, whom Jesus called greater than any man born, was a half-crazed hermit! His followers had to go find him in the desert! It was the religious leaders that plotted against Jesus and crucified him. Yet, in Jesus' very name, we have turned his ekklesia, the "called out" into the same entrenched institution that he railed against.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate Christians. I don't even hate churches all together. I'm just saying that they are not bastions of God's Kingdom. They are miserably flawed at the root. Just like everything else in this world. And the more levels you add on top of the simple metanoia faith, that many levels you have departed from who God is. I don't care how much people might argue that the institutionalization is necessary to reach people...not at the expense of losing even one. Thank God that HE is the good shepherd. That HE is the one who saves the one lost lamb. No one else can.

If anything good comes out of this blog, it would be that those who do not know this Jesus will seek out more and that those who do, will realize what it means to seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness. Myself included. I am just a howling dog running the flank for my master and holding the wolves at bay. And you can keep the gold and pleasures of heaven. I want nothing more than to be able to lie at his feet when the day is done and hear the words, "good boy." That's more than I deserve.

church

Last night, I spent a good long time writing a blog only to have it glitch and disappear on me. That is the most frustrating thing! But I have to assume it just wasn't supposed to be published. Honestly, I've had that same glitchiness save me many times in the past when I would be writing some invective or other. Then, voop! It's gone and the energy is expended. The fire is out. And fortunately, I didn't send it to anyone. But last night, was not an invective at all. In fact, it seemed one of the more poetic and beautiful things I've written here...shows what I know, right!

Well, lately, I've been thinking a lot about something that I think I need to process here in writing. I don't really know where this will go. I've been bugged to death lately about certain things that happen in church. I don't get the authority structure. I've tried to buy in, or at least sit down and shut up, but it just isn't clicking. I don't believe it. People keep trying to "educate" me or bring me along, but I just want to stand on the table and yell BS! I mean, I love the people. I know we're all just working our faith out the best we can. I know the motives behind it even. Here's what I mean:

I grew up in a very evangelical nondenominational church with conservative roots in the Presbyterian end of the hall. The church was run by a group of elected elders, the pastor was one of them, but had no single control or leadership role. His job was to teach and guide. This church was drunk on scholarly knowledge and quenched spirituality, and plagued by politics and in-fighting. My Dad, one of the deacons and later, elders, used to come home and frustrated over the drawn out arguments and ulterior motives. They were stifled in it.

Now I go to a church that is the polar opposite. Nondenom. with strong Baptist roots and its a cult of personality. Run by one man and his vision. The rest of us are supposed to jump on the band-wagon and make it happen or get out of the way. I have to say this is efficient in some ways. Things get done. There's no politics. But, man, it's a his-way-or-the-highway setup for anyone under the pastor and his team. I am confident from talking with him and other pastors in the leadership there that this is not his intent, nor even his understanding, but that's the message we get from the lackeys! I've watched so many people leave angry or upset because they couldn't get even an ear to hear what they had to say.

Well, I can play that game too. What if I were to say that I was as much of a visioned leader and prophet of God's will as they make this guy out to be? What if I was to say, I'm the crusader sent by God to be the voice of the trampled, the unheard? A modern voice crying out in the wilderness? I've got as much claim to it as anyone!

But I'm not saying that. It's pure ego to do so. Why is it that those who claim to follow Christ so often abandon his example in favor of made-up institutions. The body of Christ is the people. Churches, the Ekklesia, are people, not organizations. Jesus defied the leaders of his day that lorded their power over others in the name of God. He derided them openly. He never spoke that way to the "sinners". To the hurting or confused individuals. Only to the self-righteous religious.

Sure there are authorities that are in place and for good reason. People need governance and guidance. But no one is entitled to their title. The first shall be last. And the greatest shall be the servant of all. I know this pastor and his team would agree. But they need to call down the religious zealots and flatterers that are running amok telling everyone that God put them in authority and they are allowed to issue orders. If not, their negligence will be their downfall.

God is merciful, so people wil be fine, but no single church is some great bastion of the Elect any more than any other. We're all right about some things and wrong about others. All have sinned and fall short. The real church, sits crosswise through all of our institutions. And to pervert plain words and common sense in God's name will quickly be seen as the falsehood it is. People will leave...and the fact is pastors, your people take care of you as much as you like to think you take care of them. Don't forget that. churches are on every corner and you delude yourself to think yours is that different. Just look at any church website. They ALL think they're different. Don't lord power or let it be lorded in your name.

Jesus is humble and gentle in spirit. Not self-seeking or self-exalting. Not flattering, but gritty and real. Sad that so many good people will be deluded and then delude others. Better to teach those who will listento think for themselves. To evaluate and weight the words of even yourself. Don't revere leaders, whatever they have is what they have received, just like us. All should be equally respected, regardless of station.

Church

This is a difficult topic for me right now. I just read a book that was ironically recommended by a pastor friend. The book comes from a movement of reformers that are a little over 20 years old. They believe that the modern popular expression of church is flawed at the root and should therefore be done away with in favor of something strictly Biblically based. It goes by different names depending on the flavor of the group. I've heard the arguments before for most of it, but some of this book's arguments are really resonating with me and I'm not sure how that will play out.

I've had a problem with the dry knowledge-based church style. It is dead and changes very little of very few people. I've been involved in charismatic-tilted church and seen the personality cults, the blind devotion to 'signs & wonders' and even those who move across the country repeatedly, chasing the latest 'move'. I've been in the growth-based seeker-church and seen the blatant marketing principles applied and worked on people as if God were a Ad Exec. I'm sorry, when textbook marketing gets butts in your seats, you can't call that God.

I've even been involved in home churches that were cloisters of ungrounded, disenfranchized people who just thought they could do it as well as anyone else...who needs the regular stuff, we'll make our OWN church. And the converse where they think all who meet in buildings are apostate servants of the antichrist.

I've also been involved in radical dregs of the earth ministry church that goes in deep and helps people who couldn't even begin to set foot in traditional churches. And there I've seen the hurt create cliquishness and let's just face it, damaged people do damage. When your whole church is made up of people with serious issues, those issues will play out.

Not that all of these things were all bad. I've seen people's lives changed. I've seen transformations and real moves of God. But I tend to think these things are in spite of and not because of the church structure. Afterall, we're all flawed people. Can we really expect our organizations to not be flawed? This is the conclusion I'd come to and lived under for years.

But then, somewhere deep inside me, I've never been able to shake this small voice, almost too hard to hear, calling out for something more. Longing for a group to share my life with...not a life group or some other forced approximation, but a real connection. A community to live into and to raise my child in. A group like Bunyan's troop making their way along the road in the footsteps of Christian. A group where strong faith carries weaker, where helpfulness arises, where there is a palpable realness of spiritual unity. How do I know this exists?

It's in the New Testament. It's in Bunyan's work. I've even experienced it myself...no really, I have. Not for long, but there was a time and a group, several of whom I am still deeply connected to. For a time, we were a real community. Flawed, yes. But there was a real unity that is beyond human ability. It wasn't just a Sunday thing, or a semester study group. These people were brothers and sisters and we shared everything! Not like some hippie commune, but our lives were a part of each other entirely. Our worship, our problems, our challenges, sicknesses, jobs, marriages, social circles, were all intertwined in this group. It was Holy.

But then it ended. Perhaps we tried too hard. Perhaps we tried to do too much. Perhaps we fell victim to the insidious attacks of an enemy that would do anything to bring down that kind of unity. Honestly, I don't care what happened. I don't want that group back. It ended for good reason. But I do want that reality back. THAT I can't let go of. I wanted to spend my life in that.

Every church before or sense has been ok for a time, and then turns miserable. Something just eats it up. The common denominator here is me. So I have tried to change myself and as hard as it has been, as unnatural as it has been, I have been making progress. But then on the heels of a visible, palpable "issue" at my church, there comes this book. And as critically as I have taken it, as much as I have checked references and confirmed his Greek and sniped his logical fallacies, there is a piercing dart of truth in it that echoes across all of what has been good in church in my life.

I feel like Lucy who has just seen Aslan go left when Peter (human authority) and the group (the majority) go right, saying she is a silly little girl. If I don't run after Him, will it be on my head? I know what I saw! I know what I want! Is this the path to it?

My heart beats at my ribs screaming, "YES, YES, YES, for the love of God THIS is it!" But I distrust me heart. It is easily enticed away by sirens who echo what it wants to hear. I have to go down this path, but I will go slowly. God forgive me for it. I want to abandon myself to the current that I know is true, but must test, must know it is the right stream first.

Please God, pull my foot from under me and I will go headlong n spite of myself!

Community

This is such an overplayed word. It is actually quite cheesy by now. But I am not using it in the common sense. As with most words, I am using it in the older, truer sense.

I'm also speaking primarily to other Christians in this post, so if you are not a Christian, please do not think this is directed at you. I say that because only those who have claimed this faith are bound to it in any way. No one should expect someone who does not hold the same worldview to abide by it. Of course many non-Christians do a far better job of just what I am talking about, which is also why this is not directed at them.

I want more. I need more. What we call church, what we call the community of believers, is most often a sham and a shadow of what it is supposed to be. People in churches are swayed by politics, by personality, by money. Not that they are all evil, because they aren't. Many just don't realize or have never experienced what real unified fellowship is like. If you haven't, I would put money on the fact that you won't find it easily. Some say it is in home churches only, but this is not true. I've been a part of horrid home churches, some that were plain kooky, and some that were just as empty as the conventional churches. I've also been in conventional churches that were rolling with unity, so it has nothing to do with organization, structure, or locale.

It has to do with the people. With God ultimately. The Spirit, Kurios Pneuma, the Spirit Lord, Sarayu, is the one that enables it and He alone. But as with most things we can choose to allow it or shut it out. Please try this for me:

Take a piece of paper, anything will do. Crumple it up really well, just ball it up. Now take a thin sturdy sharp object, like a knife or a nail, whatever, and drive it right through the ball of paper. be careful, you don't want to lose a chunk of flesh. Now pull the spike out and look at the paper. Do you see the hole going straight through it? This is God's reality. His work. The paper is our universe. God has punched through our existence with His solid reality and it makes sense. A single solid line right through our perceptions.

But now uncrumple the paper. What do you see? Do you see the random assortment of holes? Some bigger, some smaller, at various angles, like there is no order. This is how we perceive our universe. What is actually a single solid precision dart appears to be a random assortment of happenings across time and space. We see it in this manner because of our perception of space. (See an earlier entry on space for more about that.)

So what's the point? Simply that God does not fit into our universe, our plans, or our structures. He is real and solid and definite and His purposes which are, of necessity, a unified action, a perfect harmony cut across and through our lives, abridging structures and institutions. Think this through, it's a fantastic visualization. In this case, we try to mold God's actions, His will, into our structures. When in fact, it is nothing of the sort. The Kingdom of Heaven is spiritual, we must be born again of spirit, and worship in spirit and truth. Throw out what structures do not work or are not profitable. Or better yet, simply ingore them and let them fail.

If God desired us to change the world through our institutions, don't you think the world would be a lot different after 2000 years of effort? Are we just that impotent? Or is God? Our opposition is defeated, it can't be his power that prohibits it! So don't feed me the next fad of, "if only we would..." I'm not buying. You care more for your pews, accounts, fancy shows with put on excitement, butts in seats...sell the stupid seats and let's sit on the floor so we can buy a well for the Malawi village! Forget your live music and hollow exhortations and hug that child desperate for attention! The man next to you needs a car! Will the church get him one? Will paying your Sunday morning multi-media extravaganza's exorbitant electric bill get him one? Oh, but I forget, the temporal doesn't matter, it's about saving souls. Bah!!

God does not desire us to "get with the program", to remake our institutions into more perfect alignment. He doesn't desire worldly revolution. He doesn't desire reform. He desires us to abandon our institutions and follow Him! Let them all go! They do not matter. They are impermanent. Think that through. Say it to yourself until the cleche falls off and the truth rings out of it, however faint. Live that way for God's sake!