This is why

Today I saw a middle-aged man who had lost more than 100 pounds to cancer.  He was aged beyond recognition and so weak he could not stand for long.  He walked with a slow shuffling gait.  He used to play guitar in the band at his church and was back on the stage today.

He had to sit in a chair as the guitar slunk almost flat on his lap.  Arms that were no thicker than the neck of the guitar worked to play in a way that used to be effortless as breathing.

At one point in a song he was so moved he slumped forward almost double.  The guitar fell off his lap and hung like a punk bassist.  He kept playing.  When he looked up his eyes glistened.

I don't really know this man.  I don't know his story or his beliefs.  I just know it isn't likely he'll live and if he does it will be a very different life from what he's known.  But for all that.  For all his disappointment, fear, and suffering.  For all his potential misunderstandings, flaws, false beliefs.  In that moment, it was clear that he knew where his need and his hope and his courage lied.

And I call this man a brother.  This is why I'm a Christian.

Gospel

OK.  So this is such a hard topic, that I just wrote a screen full of paragraphs and deleted them all.

Here's the difficulty distilled.  If the Gospel is such good news that people would change their lives from it, change their personalities, go to very gruesome deaths over it, why don't I feel that way about it?  Truth is I don't.  I feel like I should.  But I just don't. 

So let's break down the possibilities. 

1. I am broken such that I am having an inappropriate reaction.

Possible.  I could be mentally damaged in a way that I can't perceive this correctly.  Problem is it's for all people.  So if I can't perceive it appropriately, there's nothing I can do about it, and further discussion is pointless.  I'll either be excused by a good God or condemned for it by an evil one.

2. I am so sinful that it's beyond me.

I thought this for many years.  It led to constant searching, anxiety, self-hatred, and extreme asceticism that even adversely affected my health.  Many of the Mystics started here too and I had clung to them as brothers and sisters in a struggle.  But here's the thing.  Some of them left that life after coming to believe God didn't want them to harm themselves in attempts to cleanse the wicked.

I have to agree here because I also feel the same way.  There was no joy in it, and joy is supposed to be a fruit of the Spirit.  Plus, if I step outside myself and look as objectively as I can, I'm seeking far more than many other people who feel the joy and love the Truth.  Many don't ever even enter such a crisis of existence.  So explaining that could force me to brimstone preaching if I go the Armenian route since they're all dead in their transgressions and marching straight to hell and I should shock them into reality.  Or else I slip into pride or despair on the Calvinist side, since I'm either one of the elect or not, as you choose to interpret the attitude.

3. There is no Gospel.

Tempting.  But I've been down this route before.  It ends in nihilism.  If there is no real truth, then my highest and best faculties are illusions and there are no consequences except to cease being, which doesn't matter anyway.  I am forced into hedonistic abandon as I try to get the most pleasure out of my meaningless life or more usually for nihilists, into despair as no matter of effort makes any real difference.

Of course there's all kinds of outposts where people stop short, such as the progeny concept where our goal is to preserve the species as a whole.  But this ignores individual suffering and identity, and worst of all, still slides quickly to nihilism when I realize that the drive to preserve the species is also a biological illusion...WHY is it good to preserve the species.  The word 'good' ceases to have real meaning...hence the reason nihilists tip toward despair.

Or if 'good' is a real thing, I'm back into objective Truth, and we go back to 1 or 2.

4. I've got the Gospel wrong.

Obviously, I left this for last because this is what I have concluded.  It comes to me over many centuries of writing, from many places, and from many directions that are unrelated to each other.  But this is where I am.  I've had it wrong.  I've been taught it wrong. 

So this leads to the question, what IS the gosepl then?  When I think about what makes me stay a Christian.  What makes me bubble over with joy.  What makes tears stand in my eyes.  What I can't help but share and what I would...seriously would easily go to my death or torture before I deny it.  It isn't any of the things I was taught in Sunday school...man, threaten to seriously start flaying my skin off alive and frying me in a giant hot pan (this has really happened) I'm probably going to find a way to reason out of most anything I learned to recite...I'm just telling you the truth.

But what I won't deny is that God loves each and every one of us.  Dearly deeply loves us.  He doesn't condemn.  He heals.  He doesn't want rule followers.  He doesn't want political duty.  He doesn't want Christians who make Christians (whatever that means was never clearly defined; sorry bro that's why we parted ways).  He wants children that climb up in his lap.  He wants a whole family of people who love each other and live in respect and not just pretend, but really truly fulfill the needs in each other.  It's not a fake it till you make it thing.  It's not a man-up thing (Geez, don't get me started on that one).  What he wants is simple, honest, goodness.  God never left us.  He never turned away from us.  Nothing is too big for him.  All wrongs will be righted.  All wounds will be healed, no matter who you are, where you are from, or even what you mistakenly believe.  Because the real Truth IS irresistible.  Who wouldn't want to fall into the arms of the perfect love and peace.  ALL of us all over the planet, no matter who, when, where, or how, know this.  I read the Bible this way.  I see Jesus as epitomizing this.  It doesn't deny other religions, it subsumes them.  I see this idea truly revolutionizing the world.  Not always under the flag of Christianity, but in a steady progression of higher and higher societal ideas which are large scale mirrors of individual ideals.

It makes me change my ways...I want to be good.  BE good, not just SEEM good.  I am free to give of myself because I know it matters and will only generate more good.  I want to tell others so they can be freed from the fears and hurts they have.  I want to help HEAL those hurts, even if it means taking some of them on myself, and thus I participate in God's work.  This is a message I would take to the ends of the earth.

And as much as it scares the living sense out of me, I'd just have to be flayed if you wanted me to say anything otherwise because denying that real Goodness and Love exist is to turn suffering brothers and sisters into more pain than you can give me.  And that I just can't do.  THAT's GOSPEL.

Practicum

It was going to happen sooner or later.  I had no idea how I was going to respond to it and I'm finding it harder than I thought.  I'm talking about same-sex marriage.  So this is an attempt to sort my own thoughts.  As always, it's raw, so tune out now if you're going to be offended.

By way of background, I do not ascribe to any ideas that confuse politics with sexuality or faith.  I believe that people are free to make choices.  Some choices are good for us, others aren't.  Some are right, others aren't.  Regarding homosexuality, I frankly don't want to hear about your orientation any more than I want to hear about your latest sexual exploits.  I don't define people by what they do with their *&@$#.  That extends to any acts.

But I am not blind.  It is obviously a mark of identity for some people.  I have personal friends on both sides of this line (out and proud, and discreet).  But it is only one aspect of their personality.  I don't define my friendships based on who is honest at work, who has been divorced, who has had sex outside of marriage, who is habitually confrontational, or who does *&^@ with %$^&.  Get my point here?

But as a Christian, I do not believe it is a good choice or a healthy choice.  Though, it's no different to me than cheating on a test or eating junk food.  So I'm not in your face about it, ask me and I'll tell you.  Otherwise, it's not an issue.  (aside: some will say it is not a choice.  I know the argument and don't agree for many well-thought out reasons that I don't want to go into for sake of space.  I've blogged about them before, so look them up if that's your beef.)

So that said, now I am being forced to recognize it in a way I am not comfortable with.  Where you were previously just Joe and Tom.  Now you're Tom's husband Joe.  Somehow to me, this terminology seems I am being forced to be complicit with a wrong, like Daniel being forbidden to pray to anyone but Darius.  I wouldn't introduce you to my drug-addict friend Eddy or my stripper friend Pixie.  That may be who they are, but I'm not defining them by it.  Do you see what I mean here?

I don't even truly have a problem with same-sex people cohabitating and receiving benefits given to married couples.  But to call it marriage is the problem.  I'd have rather seen them take the civil part out of marriage.  Abolish it before the law in favor of civil unions for all.  Then marriage remains a religious or social institution that I can recognize or not as my faith and liking allow.  But now the law of the land says I have to call it marriage.  I can refuse and could lose a job, friendships, or worse in the future.  But is this worth it?  Is this the line in the sand that I go to the lions for?

Many Christians may avoid this problem by simply avoiding and cutting off any such ties.  This seems the monastery approach.  Just pull away from society.  The other option is to go with the culture and moralize around it.  But if this is something I have no Godly wiggle room on, then by doing so I am one of the lukewarm, the goats amongst the sheep, the Israelites who continually turned to foreign gods.  I'd love to do one or the other, since it would save a lot of headache for me, but that's just not how I work.

So now the choice is immanent before me.  For the first time, two people walked into a group that I operate and introduced themselves as wives.  Ok, so what?  Just ignore it and treat them like anyone else.  I did, and will.  I will always be respectful.  But this creates a potential problem for me since I have people in that group who sit on both sides of the issue.  I lead it, so I set the tone for how it works.  I plan to simply not make it a thing, remain officially silent on it.  But what do I do if I set up an event at one party's premises and the other party shows up?  Recipe for disaster with me as the main blamed ingredient.

So I can grow a set and take the heat from whichever side or both.  But I have to know where I stand to do that, even if my stance is a third one from the perceived dichotomy.  I just don't know what it IS yet.  And that's the problem.

All in all, I trust it will work out.  I just need to walk in faith that the resolution is already planned, I just haven't gotten there yet.  Thankfully, this is a relatively easy test case, since it will be far harder when, say, an employee has a same-sex spouse.  Then it really hits the fan.  Since I work in government, I don't have the same choices private businesses do.  Do I stand my ground at that point and trust I'm acting rightly?  Or do I not have to do that?  What is acting rightly, even?  I simply don't want to call a man the husband of another man or a woman the wife of another woman.  That's all it is really.  But this is no different than Daniel.  Couldn't he have just prayed silently with no outward signs for a month?  It's a shading of the line in both directions.  Many early Christians were said to have lost their faith when they made the customary respectful gestures to the Roman god statues in a store.  This seems the same thing.

I really don't know what to do yet.  In my heart, I don't want to hurt anyone or drive them away from God.  My life has been built on helping the unhelped.  Living what I believe.  Seeking the one lost sheep.  Is the controversy I perceive a function of my legalistic upbringing or is there more to it?  Is this issue going to be something that forces me into a much larger boldness in that it will force me to label myself far sooner?  I've favored erring toward grace and letting my actions define me.  How do I do that here?  How do I teach my kid to do?

I respectfully refused to pray at Japanese temples, and I wouldn't build a mikoshi (portable shrine) as asked to do because it is believed to house a god.  If it was simply a parade float with religious origins, that would be different.  But when I asked, the first thing anyone mentioned was about the god.  So I'm out.  How do I bow out this time?  Do I even need to?  It's got me twisted up.  It really has.

Real Act

I just read an article citing statistical characteristics of kids who grow up in church and don't leave it when they get older.  This is a huge phenomenon, if you don't know.  Kids grow up going to church, doing good things, then leave either quietly or not so much, or fall into problems that most Christians think they should have been insulated against such as drugs, pregnancy, atheism, etc.

This article cited three main characteristics of those that stay. 1. they have had a conversion experience. Makes sense because those who simply grow up there can talk it and walk it, but it isn't necessarily a real thing for them.  So can they truly be called Christians in the first place?  As the Supertones said, "if you say you used to be a Christian, then you never were."

2. they are equipped to deal with life and not just entertained.  Again makes sense because most contemporary protestant churches and probably many of the nonprotestant bent focus so much on drawing them in that they lose all but the merest shred of content and become nothing more than "clean" social clubs. Which apparently aren't that clean either given the ways in which so many I've known have fallen out.  There's an infamous case (which could be rumor, though I don't doubt it could well be true) where a girl got pregnant in the church I grew up in while playing a youth group game...it resulted in a ban on any games that left us out of sight for more than like 5 minutes...which interestingly enough didn't stop any of those who fell out in my day from doing so...hmmm.

3. they are taught at home.  Again makes sense.  If a family is leaving their children's spiritual education up to professionals and volunteers who see them maybe 3 hours a week...c'mon.  But even still this is not fool-proof and I know several very stable families who did everything right to no avail.

This struck me.  I don't disagree with the article.  Makes sense, right?  But still doesn't seem to hit the nail on the head.  So how many will read that article and try to engineer these traits?  The thing is, I can point to many of my own friends who have had a so-called conversion experience who now reject the faith utterly, even those who came and left it far after their teens.  I know people with advanced religious education who have done the same.  These ought to be "equipped", yeah?  And as I pointed out, even the best families can't control everything.  I've seen the controlling ones who drive kids away and the more moderate who lose them still.

I don't know the answers here.  But I do know I am one of those kids who didn't leave, and I know why.  I did hit a wall in my faith as a teen.  I shouldn't say wall...it was more like a desert.  I had the so-called conversion.  I had the equipping and the family training in the form of hours of formal discipleship and biblical training as well as the fortunate gift of logical training and reason.  But it still all just seemed pointless.  As my questions deepened and broadened, the answers I was getting were mostly insufficient because people who were teaching me didn't understand or couldn't articulate themselves.  I naturally began to explore other things after my own peculiar flavor of poison.  But in my case, God pursued me.  He broke through my reality in seen and unseen ways.  He brought notable people who would speak powerful lasers of truth into me...sometimes just one statement at a critical time.  He sent me dreams...vivid visions.  And he allowed me to break myself so that I would be receptive when he stepped in for a greater revelation.

That was when real conversion happened.  Oh yes, it happened.  But it isn't something that can be engineered in a building with lights and music and retreats.  It is a deeply personal, tragic, painful sort of conversion in which I had nothing left and was given a new hope...a new life.  This is why I say like CS Lewis, I was drug in kicking and screaming.  In reality, I was more carried in after I had passed out and given up, but I was kicking and screaming up to that point in that I would accept nothing less than reality, Truth.

A few years after this, a mentor of mine posed this question that reveals for me how I felt prior and after.  He said, "If you came to a fork in the road and Truth went one way and Jesus went the other, which way would you go?"  My answer was a resounding "Truth".  But here's the trick of the question:  I've found that every time I perceive this dichotomy, it's because I have a false conception of...Jesus.  (I bet you thought I was going to say Truth.  If so, you need to stop drinking your evangelical koolaid.)  You see, every time I went toward what I saw as Truth and left Jesus behind, I'd find a clearer, brighter, realer Jesus standing right around the bend.  I couldn't get away from the guy!  And Thank God!  Because when I was utterly undone, he brought me back.

You see, it isn't a choice.  It isn't a point of decision...though I guess that exists somewhere or for some people.  It's an acceptance of what is.  A giving up to what I couldn't change.  The point of decision for me, has come multiple times after that as I am forced to decide whether my experiences are real or if I was/am psychotic.  But when I think about it, I can't choose otherwise.  There is nihilism, the nothing of no meaning, no caring, no feeling, emptiness of unrequited existence, or there is God who has revealed himself to me in the man Jesus.  Psychotic or not, I'm not going back in the pit...probably couldn't if I tried.  He'd just pull me back out again.

So, is Calvin right?  Am I just Elect and these kids, men, women are not?  I'm not building theology, here, just asking a legitimate question.  Or are they just not at the point yet?

Really, this question isn't what we should focus on.  Rather, what are we going to do about it.  If Calvinistic, we don't know who is elected and have a duty to relieve the suffering of all anyway.  If Evangelical, they're just not ready and no amount of coercing or engineering will change that.  So I suggest we start with one thing.  Be real.

Shed the pomp and hoohah.  Cut the bright lights and fancy marketing tactics. Get off the rockstar pedestals and deeply search.  Find out what's real.  I'll help you.  Come talk to me one on one, I promise I won't pull any punches.  You'll walk away questioning things you never thought you could.  Then, once we're gates of hell, standing in the burning pyre, flayed alive sure of what we believe, we simply act.  In the moment, in the real, act.  Feed, clothe, pray, comfort, support, help, encourage, love, bleed, cry, die in proportion to the faith we each have.

This is Jesus, by the book, man.