Extrication

I know that I have everything I need. I know this on the level that all my physical needs are met. I know this on the level that I have all the weapons I need to survive. But lately, I haven't felt it.

I've been extremely stressed and angry. My fuse is getting short and tending toward violence. These are not good patterns. Lately, I've even noticed that I'm warm all the time...hot really. My wife even feels cold sometimes when i am uncomfortably warm. I think something is about to happen. I feel it getting close. To throw back to my Twilight metaphor...which as I've said before is a very insightful book series, even if packaged in a tweeny fad fantasy...I feel like Jacob about to become a wolf. I really find that character appealing, even down to the dog aspect...everyone knows I often refer to myself as a sheepdog.

From another perspective, I have too much fire in my belly. I'm not built for a tame life. Something will have to give. I haven't hit my stride yet. I have not made the change. But I have never done well caged. I am no house pet. And what are our homes and jobs and suburban lifestyle but padded cages? We are locked in debt and consumerism and civic duty and propaganda images of the ideal life which keeps us safely oiled parts of the machine of society. This works for some people and I am learning to accept that diversity even though I do not in the least understand it.

I have recently also been searching for my way out. Not a temporary escape, like Japan, though that too was immensely good for me, but a real permanent restructuring around who I am. Who I was made to be. But the old questions still come up. How do my diverse interests and skills tie together? What is that place that I was cut for? I have yet to find it.

But I do feel like I am getting closer to understanding it. I know that it must be a permanent change. I know that it will involve a freedom from the strictures of the "American Dream". I know that it will be free from the strictures of the American church culture. I know that it will not be for profit, and likely not "economically sound". And very lately...today in fact, as I was pleading with God, as I have been for several days now, to give me something, I discovered the core of my existence. I know it because it fits everything I've ever known about myself. It's not even the first time I've had it revealed to me. But this time it is clearer and slightly more defined, like a glimpse through the mist that is slowly blowing by. It's hard to articulate just yet because, like I said, I don't fully know how it will manifest. But I know that I was built to be a voice and protector of the lost of the lost. The marginalized. Those most of us sweep under the rug. The ones who scare the Sunday Christians to death. It's the type of people illustrated in Dominic Balli's video for Warrior and in Mat Kearney's song Down. The most vulnerable and beaten and lost. I want to put my hand between the cutter's blade and arm. Hold the hair of the bulimic. Wherever the deepest hurts are that can't be expressed, that is where I want to be. I want to be the Catcher in the Rye. I want to set up shop at the Gates of Dis. But as you can see, this could manifest in so many ways!

I am becoming prepared for this. I am hardening in body and mind. I am stripping away what is false. I will become what I am made to be and it will be soon. This fire will burst forth like a holy dragon. And this current attack will not stop me. It was a good try, but I know now that I have all the weapons I need and I'm learning how to call them up and wield them.

This has to be because otherwise a long life is pure torture. I can't live in sight of these needs and unable to help. I can't settle back and enjoy the cage. I am John the Baptist, David on the run, Joshua the warrior. Like all the seers before me, i am unable to do anything else. My life is forfeit to God. I will get out. Mark the words.

Christmas lost

I have bouts with humbuggery. It's not that I dislike Christmas. In fact it's precisely the opposite. I like it so much, feel its sacredness so much, that the rampant commercialism and overwrought "Christmasy" stuff is a mockery and cause for sadness to me. Even amongst family, the greater portion of whom have at least some faith, the secularized traditions and popular religious-esque traditions they doggedly associate with Christmas are so hollow, cheesy, or inappropriate to the day I can barely stand it.

It's not that they have a bad heart. They just buy into the supermarket commercial image of the holiday with all it's kitsch and forced nostalgia that is really just a clever marketing ploy. Some actually enjoy the whole gift exchange aspect...but I'm pretty sure I've blogged on that before.

The point is, some years I have been able to keep Christmas in my own heart by avoiding as much of that as possible. By finding time to slow down and step aside, stay out of the shopping places, and let the real import of the season affect me. But this year because of some changes in circumstance, I have been unable to do it. Many times this year, I've been thrust into that Christmas madness unwittingly. It has left me grumpy and short-tempered. Everything I do not want to be around Christmas.

You know what this tells me? When I am ill-tempered because I can't find the goodness in something, or otherwise off-kilter, it usually means I've done something wrong. Like Eve eating the apple and finding that the result she got wasn't what she had expected. It tells me that I have been duped. That I have allowed myself to be pulled off balance. Frustration at being had, makes me angry, and I don't even recognize why right away. Upon realizing it, I can almost hear the demons' cruel laughter.

So what to do? It may be too late for this year. I just have to be extra careful not to take the frustration at my mistakes out on those who aren't aware of the problem. In other words, I shouldn't ruin the holiday for those who are blind to the evils inherent in their practices. They aren't able to see it even if I point it out. I've tried in the past. The result is that I just look sour and angry.

I can also take steps to arrest it from spinning off any further. Today I refused to buy any more Christmas presents. It's done. I'm done. I have also been praying and asking for God to restore my peace. I've been trying to saturate myself with things that typically help me so as to regain my balance.

And then, there's the biggest decision. I don't do it lightly, which is why I haven't fully made up my mind. Perhaps it is the reason I was brought into this state, though...to bring me to the decision point. I am debating excusing myself from the entire rat race next year. I mean not accepting or buying a single present. No name exchange or dollar limit that no one pays attention to but me. No Christianity Today version of 'recapture the holiday and kiss Mother Culture's feet through mental gymnastics and homemade gifts'. If I get a present, I will return it or sell it and donate the money.

This is a big decision. Family will not understand it. It will create some hard feelings because it will act as a mirror for others' materialism. I'll be accused of playing the martyr, acting holier than thou. It will hurt some family members who are so bound in their materialism that they genuinely feel they are expressing love by foisting it on others. Not to mention someone will give me a great gift that I will not want to give up. It's not that I hate presents. I even believe it is a virtue to graciously receive. It's the obligation, the rat race around it that I hate and I see no other way to step out of it. I've tried, but people won't hear me. They force me to play their game.

Now of course I would buy or make a present for my son. I wouldn't force this decision upon him. But I would not hide my decision. Already we have given up the Christmas feast as a family in favor of an empty-bowls dinner...soup, bread, apple, water. To remind us of the humble nature of our King and identify with those for whom that meal would be a feast. Maybe it's time to take the next step and get out of this consumerist hell. I think it could be done delicately enough.