The Difference

I was once told by someone who had just met me in person that I was not what she expected.  She said my writing was fierce and angry, but sitting in front of her, I was nothing like that at all.  Of course she fell prey to a common fallacy of generalizing a very limited experience (of me, in this case) to what is a much larger and more complex reality.  But I don't want to bash her logic.

Instead, I want to apologize...in the old sense of offering a defense...for this blog.  It is intended to be a very real and raw and unfiltered record of my experiences.  As such, the tone vacillates, mostly across the more troubling spectrum of human emotions, since obviously, I'm not wrestling with much in the busy or more pleasant times; leastways, I don't have time to write about them.

So it occurred to me that the few of you who read this, especially any random surfers who hit on it, may easily get the impression that I'm a hateful and angry person.  And in some aspects you would be absolutely correct.  But that certainly isn't all I am.  Nevertheless, mistaking my state is less of a concern than if you were to mistake my intent toward others.

While I most certainly reference and sometimes quote actual events and people, some of whom might actually read this blog on occasion, you'll also notice that I never use names or identifying characteristics.  And as an added safeguard, I'll let you in on a little secret: I sometimes even swap pronouns or other subtle indicators just in case someone starts to think they know who I'm talking about.

Why?  Because my intention is never to judge or condemn the person.  We are, all of us, much more than any single incident.  More even than a history or a portfolio of behavior.  We are complex, living people who change and grow and fail and succeed.  I have felt the daggers and darts of judgement and misunderstanding and I would never be the source of pain to another.

Like Paul, I am keenly aware, more than most, of my own failings.  As raw as this blog is, you are not privy to my most inner thoughts and feelings.  The climate in my head is a harsh and terrible place of extremes built in arid arid regions of asceticism, glaring plains of self-scrutiny, tempestuous seas of emotion, and dark mires of spiritualism.  Trust me, no one survives there, even myself.  My point is that I expound externally nothing harsher than I have already applied to myself.  And while you have the option of turning off my blog, I can't get out of my own head.  I am very much the subject of the old Linkin Park song.  But while this explains it somewhat, it does not excuse my virtiolic.

The difference, I think, is in the target.  If you read carefully, you'll notice that my attacks are always directed at a fallacy of logic or belief.  Particularly where that fallacy has a negative impact (intended or not) on another and usually weaker party.  You see, the vitriolic is toward the idea and it's manifestation in behavior.  Not the person.  If we were all to play so nice as to not offend anyone about anything they do, the result would be that the weakest and softest among us bear the undue burden of our mistakes.  So I'm sorry, I have to speak against it.  I know you are not your actions or even your ideas and are therefore not receiving the bullet that you assume to take.  No one has the right to allow their problems to harm another without their consent, even if your personal well-being is so entangled with your behavior that you feel personally wounded when I speak against it.  In fact, the wound, even as fallacious as your affront is, will likely do you good by forcing you to pay attention to it and perhaps disentangle yourself from yourself somewhat, though even that is categorically not my intent.


As I have said before, I am a sheepdog.  I help the shepherd herd the sheep.  I know my flock and I will continue to uncompromisingly attack those demons and shades that would harm them, even the ones that pretend to be shadows of holy and upstanding people.  If my jaws happen to snap a little too close for comfort, please remember I'm aiming for the leech on your neck and the wound you feel is from it digging in, not from me.  Just like any dog, grudges are not held.  When things are safe and good, you're welcome to lay your head on my back and we can gnaw a bone together.

You Have All You Need

This has been coming at me from so many angles lately and drumming through my mind. It is true on many levels and I don't even know how to describe it.

I was under a spell...illusioned...taken in by a ploy. The ploy told me that I didn't have all that I need. Not all I needed. It sounded very much like something I would acknowledge and believe, hence the deception. But this often happens that when I am oppressed by something...in this case the awareness of my own finality and vileness...a message is sent to me that will not desist.

I am a new creation. Jesus restored me and has given me life "to the fullest." There is no longer an condemnation for me. While I knew all of this on a different level, now it hits home in a deeper way which many will not understand because they are not inside me.

I was eating a poisoned apple. 99% true with one bit of lie. But any poison makes the apple unfit. And one bad one spoils the bunch, to extend the metaphor. So I was there believing some very true things: I am sinful. I am willfully so. I do not properly regard or react to the grace and gifts given to me. I am naturally depressive. I do have trouble understanding reality. I am angry often. But that's not all I am. This is how I look from the eyes of this world. But the new me, the one that is alive in Jesus' life is whole and perfected and has the entire universe of God's power at my disposal.

Jesus did not come to leave me unprepared. Orphaned again. Left to my own devices. He fixed it. He fixed everything. So I can believe that or I can believe that he did not. That his power is not enough for me.

I needed to hear this from the right places, enough times that it sunk in. I am unstoppable. I have the rest that I seek. I have the joy. It is all right here. There is nothing I lack, nor will there ever be.

I was like the dwarfs at the end of Narnia who refuse to see the provision around them...not for the same reasons as they, but the effect was the same. I could not see nor experience the goodness and the completion because i was too focused on something that is dead and has passed away.

I have all I need.

Frustration

Ever have one of those weeks? You know, the kind where nothing really major happens but everything seems to get in the way of everything else. All week I've felt like I was spinning my wheels at full speed and only inching along in the slick while throwing up a huge mess all around. I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I imagine it has a lot to do with recent developments. Rest assured, spiritual warfare is very real, though not at all like what most people might think. And when we make headway in areas that could take new territory in our own souls or in the world, we become the target of increased attacks. Not that these attacks can amount to much for those who know their place, but they can be very annoying, or should I say, frustrating. Afterall, that is their purpose. To frustrate. And by frustrating, keep us on edge and preoccupied so that we can't focus on the more important things.

Worst of all is when the attacks come through or toward those we are close to. I often find that the easiest road onto my nerves is through my family. And when I feel like the most at peace you can count on the fact that very shortly, my family will start doing all the things that grate on me.

We all have those things and we overlook or see past in others because of our love for them. But once in a while, the things seem to prick beyond toleration. That has been my day. Edgy, irritated... following a week of endless irritations. No more. I don't want to play anymore.

I will recenter myself by stopping everything for a little while. I will be still and know who is God. And I will float these irritations up to Him. Then I will re-enter my life focused. I will keep that focus by 'doing one thing'. And I will make everything a prayer. When those irritations come I will see them for what they are and will not play.

Evil is not a thing, but the negation of a thing. What is as it was created to be, is good. What isn't becomes evil proportionate to the degree that it is not what it was created to be. It is a lie. It has no substance and therefore no power other than what I give to it. Fighting it gives it power because only something of substance can be fought. The only way to win is to see the truth, that evil is nothing, and the battle is over.

I think of the classic film Labyrinth. The Goblin King had no power other than what she gave him, and upon realizing this truth, the battle was over. Similarly, the dark eldilla surrounded Ransom's house to frustrate and irritate, but had no power if ignored. Neo had only to realize that the matrix did not exist. But I am weak and easily distracted. So I will focus only on my God and will rest under the shelter of His wing.