Lull

I haven't written in a while.  Sometimes a lull occurs and I am grateful.  Not that things have been bad or perfect, or even dull.  Just relative peace in my mind and life.  I'm actually inspired back to write by a chance comment from an unknown reader.  But I don't know where this will go.

Holidays are finally over and it takes several months to recover some normalcy.  Some things never come back.  I wonder how many things, good or bad, are lost because of the American Holiday Season.  Some people like the change.  I think they wait all year to do the things they do in that season.  But I don't.  I don't see life as that long.  Truthfully, it isn't a conscious decision, just the way I am made: I see multiple pathways in everything and that includes the negative.  I may very well not have another opportunity, so I take them where they come.  This melds into and shapes my worldview to do only what God asks of us in the moment that he asks.  It's a curious chicken/egg, Daoish, paradox of influence.

But anyway, the point is, I do all year things that most reserve for the one time a year.  Therefore when the holidays come and everyone stops doing what they normally do for some unexplained cultural reason, my life grinds to a halt.  After 3 months of that, people (including myself) have forgotten what we were doing before that time and have to start all over.  What is recalled takes months to ramp up momentum.

In other news, my hand and wife are healing, so even more activities that have been on hold are slowly coming back.  Really, I think if it wasn't for these lulls, more would be accomplished.

Another factor contributing to the lull is that we finally completely dropped a major source of irritation and provocation...namely the church we've been going to for many years.  Being someone who commits slowly and moves circumspectly, I am also slow to completely drop something.  I keep trying and biding until all remnant of good is squeezed out of something and the one last straw falls.

The long and short is, I'm now much happier in that regard.  We've started checking out another place which is a very different character, yet not entirely alien.  I have no intention of jumping in too heavily, and anyone who wants to argue that I should do otherwise is welcome to step to.  I'll challenge anyone to walk in my shoes for a while and tell me they'd do otherwise.  Same goes for anyone who says you shouldn't change churches because we're all flawed.  I know where they're coming from.  I've been them before.  Just keep jawing what you don't know...you'll see.  And if not, then our paths are different and all the best on yours.

Seriously, I wish people would think a little more before they start spouting advice.  Does anyone ever really give good advice?  I remember hearing a friend whose job included listening to people's problems say he was done giving advice.  I thought I understood, but thought he was taking it too far.  Surely sometimes we know what someone else doesn't, I thought.  But now, I'm starting to see his point more clearly.  We are never in exactly the same place as another.  we might be passing nearby, but our lives come from and are going to different places, making it very difficult to ever truly tell someone else what to do with any accuracy.  Further, too many people can't see them selves clearly enough, or refuse to admit their own reality, to even see what wisdom you might offer.

I recently had a friend call me repeatedly (I have to tell him I HATE the telephone) to try to get "advice" but each time I clearly saw what he wanted to do and that he was just looking for an excuse to say he'd talked it over even though he'd really already made up his mind.  Self deception at it's finest.  And this is a smart and relatively good, well-adjusted person!

No, I think the best we can do is listen and reflect, perhaps share a story or thought sparked by what they say and maybe help each other discern our own paths at the moment.

Shadows

I am in the shadows.  I walked out into the light recently and it was good for a time, but higher heights bring deeper depths.  I don't feel to have changed, nor that I did anything wrong, but circumstances have once again confirmed for me that my place is the shadows.  I must be terrifying.

I don't mean this in the horror sense.  But that I am probably too raw, too intense, too literal.  Most people aren't able to cope with it.  Is it a holiness reflected through me or my own depravity that shows?  Maybe it's both.  A sort of terrible holiness amidst a dead thing...a thing which knows full well the depths from which it existed.  A Frankenstein's monster of life and death rolled together in one.

I don't want to veil it.  I've lived that way too long.  But it hurts to constantly see the same reactions.  To have truth taken for lies.  Do I speak the same language as others?  Do I see too deeply into them?  I can't see this myself.  Am I that delusional that I could be so aversive and not see it?  Or am I hyper sensitive, finding deeper meaning in what is really nothing?

I don't know.  I can't tell.  So in these times, recount the facts.  I desire to do good.  I believe in a living relational God who is active in human life.  I take fairly literally the promises and exhortations in the Bible, taken with a sound logic and historical context...I'm not dancing with rattle snakes here.  I will and do act for good in practical ways.  I do not value my life, future, possessions too highly.  I am often misunderstood.  I don't have many friends and find it hard to keep them.  I am often lonely.  I want to belong.  I want a few people who understand me or at least do not reject me no matter what.  I want to see grace in human action, even for me.

But I don't honestly believe I'll find it.  I think my lot is that of David, Elijah, John the Baptist, Henry Suso.  To dwell apart, sometimes respected, sometimes valued, but never held too closely, always a little feared...always in the shadows.

Wow, this sounds whiny.  God forgive me.

Through the Roof

In common usage, this phrase means something other than what I mean.  I'm talking down not up.

I was recently reading the story of the friends who lowered the paralysed man through the roof to see Jesus.  In the story, they tried to get him in to see Jesus in hopes that Jesus would heal their friend.  But they couldn't get through the crowd.  So they went up on the roof, and it says they actually dug a hole in the roof to lower the man down.  When Jesus saw their faith, he said the man's sins were forgiven.  This of course sparked controversy with the religious leaders who questioned Jesus, so he healed the man to demonstrate his authority to also forgive sins.

What struck me in this story is the friends.  First they took a friend there.  Imagine the scenario.  In this time, handicapped people were considered to have sinned or to be bearing the punishment for the sins of their parents.  It didn't just happen to people in their minds.  So to be friends with this person was a thing in itself, but not outside of reasonable understanding.  We see this today in similar forms.

Healers in that day were also fairly common.  Historic records talk of this thing periodically, so it wouldn't have been all that strange for a healer to pass through town and draw a crowd.  In days before modern medicine, this was a significant hope for people.

But what really gets me is the ingenuity of these friends.  This is where I resonate with them so strongly.  They could have just waited their turn and hoped patiently to see Jesus, but they weren't content with that.  The need of their friend took precedence over everyone else's needs in their mind.  Wow.  No one teaches that!  I'm not saying they would deny everyone else their chance, but they weren't going to be content to passively sit back.  They had a hope of helping their friend and they were going to make it happen to the greatest of their ability.  Their attitude was not to sit back and patiently wait on God.  They were pushing in and when they couldn't get in, they came up with something else.

I wonder which one had the idea.  They're looking at each other.  The paralysed friends is probably speechless or consoling them that it's ok...they tried.  But one of them looks over up at the roof.  Maybe there were stairs to a flat deck, maybe it was just a thatched roof that they had to climb up on.  But one of them says, "what about up there?"  Were they all in agreement, or did they have to argue it.  Was one the driving force that had the great idea or was it a group of mischievous friends?  Were they scrappy working men who built houses and knew what to do or did they figure it out as they went?  However it happened, they ended up on the roof.

There they found the spot where Jesus was and then began to tear out someone's roof!  Was this an easy repair or something that would take work?  Did they have a plan to fix it later or did they just act and leave the consequences for later?  Mark says they actually dug through the roof, which makes it seem like it wasn't simply removing a few palm fronds.  It could have been abode or dob.  This would be making a serious hole!  Even if it was thatched, you don't just pull off some leaves.  To make thatch water-tight it has to be thick and well hung.  It's also no easy thing to repair, since you have to layer the thatch from bottom to top up the roof slope.  So either way, these guys did some property damage.

Imagine the owner's reaction when he sees his roof torn out and this hole opening up in it!  How would you react?  These guys could have been arrested or charged with criminal activity.  Surely they knew this to some degree.  But it didn't stop them.

And their action was rewarded.  Jesus was impressed with their faith.  I have never been encouraged to act the same way.  No one has ever taught me to help a friend at all costs.  The closest I've ever encountered is teaching about sacrificial giving, but that is even watered down into simply giving more than we would like to a ministry.

But these friends demonstrate real human faith.  We don't even know how they felt about Jesus.  But if there was a chance their friend could be healed, they did everything they could think of to make that happen regardless of what happened to them.

This is the faith I want to live.  This is the faith I am living.  God has called me to it and I have committed.  These hands, this mind, these dreams, ingenuity, creativity, blood, breath, words, money, materials; everything in my power is given to this.  I will tear out roofs, make roads, and go to my death in this cause, God help me.  Try me and see.

Unspeakable

Sometimes I have nothing to say.  I go through cycles.  But for once I have tons of things to say and can't find words for them.

Suffice to say, the life God has for me is opening up and it is overwhelmingly more than what I would dream of.  I mean this in very literal ways.  This is why it is hard to put into words in a general context.  There is nothing general about it and I can't possibly explain the intimate and complex details that surround it.

Perhaps the Via Negativa would help.  So I will say what it is not.  It is not in my head.  It is not philosophical, affecting no real change in the material world.  It is not tied to the institutions we call church...

...Here is what I would say and the ones about whom it is written can understand it for themselves.  You are beautiful. You are so loved.  God has seen you.  He has not even once forgotten you.  I don't know the reasons for the circumstances in your life.  I am just a Sheep Dog who barely understands the Shepherd's language.  But I see what he has done for you.  I see how the universe has been ordered for your specific good.  I see you as he sees you.  You are stunning and powerful beyond compare.  My love for you is not rooted in pity nor charity, nor brotherly affection.  It is as beyond me as every good thing I have ever done.  To be near you, to guard, aid, serve, you is an honor and a pleasure.  I am elated that you would call me friend.  You have only to make a need known and I will be about meeting it with whatever is within my power.  I don't even know what that is.  But I have been charged with doing it and the resources and methods will be provided.  This is not an idle promise, as I hope you now see.  All that has been given to me is from God and for his purposes.  I hold it lightly and in common with you.

And I truly enjoy your company, your humor, your presence.  I want to be around you because I like you.  It is good for me too.  I am better for having known you.  In one sense, because doing what we are made for is fulfilling, but more so because you inspire me, comfort me, encourage me even if you don't know it.

In short, I love you.  And while nothing I can say will prove it or guarantee any moment into the future, it is true as true and every moment that I am there demonstrates it to be so.

This is the life we were called to live.  This tribal, close, familial life.  Thank you for having me into yours.  Together things will only get better.  I know it because God has shown me the ending.  Let's walk toward it together.

At the Eye

It's amazing how much can swirl around us. Thoughts, emotions, ideas. Most seem pretty much meaningless. I'm hoping there's a point in here somewhere, so let's see if it comes out.

Earthquakes and Tsunamis wracking Japan. Nuclear meltdown threat. Japanophiles everywhere rushing to make websites and raise money and go help. These are all pretty meaningless acts in themselves. We don't even know the extent of the damage yet. Going there is the last thing a disaster wracked county needs...hundreds of half-illiterate, barely-communicative foreign crash-tourists streaming in with no place to stay while you are trying to get streets cleared, restore power, prevent nuclear devastation, find dead and dying, and restore some semblance of normal life. Plus, it isn't like it's an impoverished nation. Not only is Japan's emergency management I dare say better than the US, they have the help of the US and every major relief organization in the world as well. Bad, yes. Sad, yes. So pray, find out about your friends and family, and don't be stupid.

There was a time when I longed for the destruction of everything. I wanted to see all the wrongs set right, the rebirth. I didn't care about the suffering or pain that might cause. I think that comes from being in a deadened state myself. Now I see the fear and pain that such destruction brings and it hurts me. Now that I would not see that sort of end to things, I have a feeling I am going to see more and more of it. I'm not making predictions about the Second Coming, just saying that I have always been drawn to apocalypse and have felt that I may live to see one. Whether this is The Apocalypse or merely the demise of a culture, I don't know. But regardless of my feelings about it, there is nothing for it but to walk it out. I trust beyond myself.

I have recently encountered a situation where I am learning to love someone through a very (for me) unlovable situation. It challenges me at every state, but I won't let it go until I am told to do so. If there is hope of seeing God's truth dawn on this soul, I am willing to do what I am given to do. This person sees on such a small level, and thinks everything fits that neat little package. What he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is so much more complex in many ways and so much simpler in others. It is a challenge for me to stay true to my beliefs without crushing those tender shoots of truth through my heavy-handedness, and without being influenced into something I do not believe.

At work, things continue to swirl, as change without hope of improvement continues. I have often said that it is a pessimizing business I am in. Being aware of legitimate information about the state of our society, being charged with helping to change it for the better, and constantly being suspected of some uncouthness from both sides. I found out today that yet again, I was cut out of a dealing which is entirely within my realm of responsibility. And I was cut out intentionally by my immediate supervisor. I will bring it up with him, even though he hates confrontation. I cannot abide being patronized or muffled. Trust me to do my job or tell me openly not to. Don't try to sneak around me and then tell me to continue doing the 'great job' I am doing while you subvert what I am working for. Every other country I have contact with seems to be doing a better job at what I do than this one. In those places, what I do is respected and brought to the table, if not prioritized. Here I fight on both sides. What's worst about this is that it forces me to operate on my own. I cannot discuss and cooperate because no one in my loop wants to hear it. The best I can do is commiserate with the few others in my boat.

Pollen is swirling again. I didn't have such reactions to it just a few years ago. Now it's worse. Here it's worse. Doctors say it's normal for those things to change over time, and usually for the worse before they get better. But I am healthier than ever and have trouble accepting this. I suspect pollution from industrial chemicals and air pollution have either irritated me (and countless others) to the point that we can't tolerate this minor natural irritant, or that the irritant itself has become more potent as a result of contact with these toxic compounds ala Nausiccaa. I bounce through phases during this season of just resorting to medicine every day, and then fearing side effects (or actually having them) or philosophically hating the concept of daily medication. It twists me up until at last the season is over. Thankfully so far we've had some rain which helps. Hopefully this mercy will continue.

In weaker moments I have issues with dissipation. I am a sheepdog. When I connect on a real level, I can't let it go without much suffering. Which is why I rarely allow myself to connect like that. Yet I have watched so many people just walk away from what I thought was real and valuable. Not that all cases are people walking away from Good, some are clearly a walking toward Good for that person...I guess I just feel left out. Like I have just run over to a friend's house to share the new toy we had talked about so often just in time to see him run away to play with other friends and I'm not invited. Honestly, I wouldn't go even if asked because those friends share something I not a part of. I would simply be the tag along. But this is a feeling I've felt most of my life at various points. I wish at least sometimes, someone would run over to my house. Choose to play with me this time. Unless I organize it, I rarely ever see any friends.

But I can see the calm center in this storm of circumstances. I rely too much on circumstances. This is the problem. I am being taught to place my whole hope and trust in the one eternal thing. The one thing which meets all needs. The one thing which so thankfully is not a what but a who. It's a bittersweet process. All emotions rolled together into a tumult with a calm center like a cyclone. Desire truly is the root of all suffering...but that doesn't mean we should stop desiring altogether. Desire simply needs to be for the right things. The eternal things that do not disappoint.

Yet I am often lonely and sorrowful. Brother Lawrence says that I can find mystical joy if I focus entirely on what pleases the object of my desire. I am not even to try too hard for this, but to relax in my ineptitude and allow God who can fulfill all needs to do so in me. I must trust that my pitiful and whiny struggles are my portion of the sufferings of Christ. All will be well. In complete surrender is freedom. In losing myself, I find myself. God I adore you.

Real

What does it mean to be real? The term was popular a few years ago: keep it real, be real, get real...they've all been used. But what does it mean? I guess in its basic sense it has to do with genuineness. No pretense. That carries with it a tone of simplicity, of singleness. And also focus on what is important.

I want to be real. I want to know what is real. I want to live life in its realest, purest form. I want to be ever moving toward greater perfection, greater reality.

So what is real and which direction is more real in my circumstances right now? I want real connections with people. I want to share my life with people. I have this with my family, but I want it in a larger circle. A band, a group, a tribe, stripped of its wierdo connotations. A group of like-minded people to be a part of each other's lives.

What would that like-mindedness center on? Simple reality I think. I have no expectations other than to make our lives better by the synergy of our relation. In other words, to be true friends. To raise our kids together, to share our struggles and joys. I don't mean in any kind of pie-in-the-sky hippie way. Just in a real, genuine, organic, unforced, unartificial, undictated way. No programs, or rules, just people living who get me and I get. A group where our differences make us stronger because they play together instead of against each other. A place where wounds can heal and bonds can grow strong and unbreakable.

This is possible. It is emphactically and empirically possible in our very existing world. Many people already have these kinds of relationships. When is it my turn? When is it yours?