Animal

I feel like a wild animal. This bears explanation because most people probably think something other than what I mean by the phrase. Wild animals are cautious and wary. But they are also calm and calculating. They alertly size up any situation and react in predictable ways.

The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.

But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.

I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.

Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.

I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.

Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.

This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.

Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.

This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.