Burning

**NOTE: this blog is real and raw.  Changing or omitting names won't protect identities of people referenced.  So I employ pronoun swapping to further confuse identity.  This blog is NEVER a slam to individuals, but a means of processing ideas.**

I have not posted in a while because of something I was going to write about, but just recently something happened that has upset me and I'm burning about it.  So I will write it out.  Then maybe I'll be free to process the other stuff.

I think the biggest thing that gets under my skin is lack of respect.  You might think this odd coming from a punk, they not being known for respect.  But the truth is, punks are actually very big on respect.  In fact, it's such a big deal that we refuse to pay false respect.  It must be earned.  If you set yourself up over someone else, we're going to call you down.  And that is the crux of the problem, really.

Respect is about boundaries.  People who take liberties tread all over those boundaries.  Some people just never seem capable of understanding another's point of view.  But there again, that's what respect is for.  You don't have to understand.  Just follow the rules of general politeness and all is good.

You see, I have this old friend that I was once very close to, in fact closer than my own sibling.  He had shown me some generosity that makes me feel somewhat indebted even over a decade later.  But early on, it was clear certain people she was related to had no idea about personal boundaries and I would not get along with that person.  I mean serious leech personality, like barging into your house uninvited, refusing to leave when I repeatedly told them I had to leave myself, expecting us to do things without asking, forcing my friend to be 2 hours late for a 2 hour event that the other was not invited to, etc. 

But that's ok.  We don't have to like everyone our friends like.  The problem is that my friend eventually became inseparable from this negative influence, probably from good motives.  I tried to advise him about the negative changes I was seeing in her, but he made it very clear that my advice was not appreciated.  So I backed off and we lost all serious contact for about a decade.

Then she shows up again like nothing has changed...leech now fully affixed such that the two are never apart...ever.  And as you'd expect, my friend has now taken on many of those negative traits, interrupting conversations and then monopolizing them.  Ordering people around.  Insisting on uncomfortable topics.  Once, he invited himself and leech to a party neither were invited to intentionally because of the leech, then made a scene at the party in front of everyone asking if they weren't supposed to be there, and when we tried to just side step it saying, "you're here now." They both proceeded to start altering things like music, temperature, etc. in a rented facility.  And when we refused to comply, they went to get staff to do it.  Which was where I put my foot down and leech waited outside for a few minutes until my friend finally couldn't take it and left.

So fine, whatever, right?  But through a remnant of old relationship, this friend became privy to some personal information about my family.  Which she then of course told Leech.  So for the past couple months Leech has kept insisting on "advising" us about it, openly in public.  We've downplayed, we've walked away, we've even told them straight out to stop before this information gets out and causes unnecessary problems for us and for others.

The last straw came this week when Leech accosted my son about it in public and wouldn't let go.  I didn't know at the time.  But upon finding out, I had to confront them.  I tried to do it privately, avoiding unnecessary embarrassment, sticking to the topic at hand and not old issues, etc.  But then my friend's response was something along the lines of, they hadn't told anyone and it must just be a game of telephone gone wrong, but while we're on the topic, we know you're afraid, but that's why you shouldn't have secrets."

BOOM!!!  I went through the roof!  It's a good thing this came in writing or I'd have had it out with them for sure.  I couldn't have controlled myself and I would have verbally laid them out as all the pent frustration gushed out.

They couldn't be more wrong about my concern nor could they have missed the point any further!  They don't get to make a judgement on this!  Not accepted!  And then they were clueless enough to ask if they could come to another event I was doing. Not even, "is it still ok."  Just, "how do we sign up!" 

So after multiple attempts to respond, I finally went with something to the effect of here's the line.  Don't cross it, or I will not hesitate to let them know in open and certain terms.  I have severed ties with these people to the greatest degree that I can.  But I have no doubt, they won't get it and they'll come prancing in to some event as if nothing is wrong.

Good God!  Help me forgive this because right now, I have no desire to.

Not a Miracle

I debated whether to post this or not.  But then, I realized that hiding the truth even to spare someone is a kind of lie.  And letting them believe a lie is not doing them any favors.  At the same time, I don't want to damage anyone's faith or reputation unduly, so I am going to stay very anonymous and use pronoun swapping to further shield the person's identity.  Chances are he will never read this, but someone who knows her (see how that works) might.  If you decide to share it with the person, that's up to you.  I ask any reader to be sensitive.

The other day I met someone who walked into this place and very quickly introduced himself to me with a good deal of flourish and formality about who had invited her and why he was there, etc.  I don't know why she introduced herself to me, perhaps he thought I was someone important.  But being the kind of person I am, I am instantly turned off by any pretense at someone being special because of who they know or what they do.  So in an effort to politely express that, I returned the introduction, "Hi, I'm Cav.  I'm nobody."

As soon as I said it, his eyes softened and she began to concernedly explain that I truly was somebody in a mealy voice that further turned me off.  "Here, we go," I thought.  "I should have seen this coming."  But I just politely excused myself from the whole thing and went about my business.  Soon, though he was back asking me if I was an artist.  No?  Maybe a musician?  No, huh.  Finally trying to end this unnecessary bolstering of my self-esteem, I said, "I organize.  That's what I do."  Which I was actually doing at the moment; trying to set something up for her, which she was too involved in my bolstering to help me with. "I set stuff up for ____." I said indicating what I was doing and inserting his self-proclaimed title in the blank.

"See, there's something!" was the sappy reply.

So chalk it up to different strokes, it takes all kinds, whatever.  I went on with my evening.  But later as we were about to leave this person finds me again and has to, "give me a Word."

OK, sidebar.  If you aren't familiar with the term, "give a Word", it's used in certain sects of Christianity to indicate a special message from God.  If you do know the term, please understand that those from other traditions (like me) find it, at best, an excuse to tell us whatever emotional sentiment happened to occur to you at the moment.  And opinions on it range down from there through insipid, presumptuous, and even heretical.  So if you want to get along with someone from a different sect, hold off on this phrase until you know where they stand.  End sidebar.

So, now I'm totally completely uninterested in anything he has to say.  But in the interest of polite brotherhood, I opted to simply listen politely rather than start an argument or offend someone who might be legitimately thinking she's doing good.

The "word" was that I was a craftsman and artist, even though I don't thinkso and when I expressed it by dancing as she had seen me do a few minutes before it had "changed the atmosphere."  Then he capped it with some vague Bible references that I knew but didn't see the relevance of.  But I thanked her and I could tell he was looking for more of a response.  So I turned the conversation to other more general topics and ended with as genuine of a 'nice to meet you' as I could manage.

So, you might be thinking, what a jerk I am for discounting this sensitive soul's attempt to help me.  But if someone is thinking a duck is a flamingo and publicly declaring it, am I not cruel to leave them uncorrected?  Or to be more realistic, if someone is repeatedly calling a new acquaintance by the wrong name, am I not right to point that out, even if it results in momentary embarassment?

So here is what I want to say to this person.  Please read it with as much love and tenderness as you can:  You were wrong.  You weren't hearing anything special from God about me.  You misinterpreted just about everything I said.  And you were very nearly offensive to my brand of faith.  I won't go so far as to say there is never anything true in the way you practice your faith, but in this case, you were totally off.

I know who I am, good and bad.  At least as much as any human can, and probably a good deal more than most, as evidenced by this blog.  I know where my true value lies.  I give God the glory for that.  But culturally, I find it offensive and morally wrong to place any human above another.  So I wasn't going to brag about myself to a total stranger. 

I can't honestly say, I've never dropped a name or asked for a special introduction. But I view these times as failings and ask God to help me become more like the servant Jesus was, who wouldn't even answer the false accusations against him.  In fact, like I said, I wouldn't even be saying this if I didn't think it wrong to withhold the truth when I have the power to potentially open someone's eyes.

Secondly, I come from a tradition where what you do is not considered to be from God.  We read the same verses and arrive at different conclusions and styles.  Neither of us can categorically prove the other wrong.  God will reveal the truth to us as we grow.  So until that time, I'm willing to respect your beliefs and ways.  I ask that you also respect mine. 

So reader, if you find this sounding uncannily like you (whether it was you or not) please know I don't hate you.  I think you were trying to do good.  But please recognize that not everyone understands or even approves of what you do.  If you would call those of us brothers, then maybe you should tone it back a little, especially if this is the first time you meet someone.

Imagine how much damage you could do to someone's faith if they believed you were hearing from God but were totally wrong.  Does that mean God is wrong?  Or are you a liar?  Or maybe just a lunatic?  I'm not saying this is what I think of you, because I understand what you were attempting.  But this is what you might look like to someone who doesn't know better.  So don't bruise a reed.

I speak for the trees.

Behind

We often react to situations based on our emotion or perception.  Is it possible to step back and withhold reaction until we know more?  Can we take the time to step inside someone's head and see what motivates them?  Perhaps it would enlighten us greatly.  Perhaps we wouldn't be so quick to take offence or to come to our own defence.

Maybe we would see what makes another person take the shape and tone they do.  Maybe then we could regulate our reaction to be appropriate.  If we could see inside people we could perhaps bypass the outward and seemingly magically speak to the real issues.

Today I watched this happen.  I saw someone melt down over a very frustrating issue.  We had both been tense over these things beyond our control, but not with each other.  I had been reacting in my usual way...perhaps a little more loosely since I consider this person a friend.  But in this moment, the frustration turned on me.  I was not sure where it was coming from but I could see several things.  My friend's facial muscles were giving away the depth of his emotion as he tried to assert control over me.  I realized it as an attempt to grab control over something in a situation that had overwhelmed him.

I thought of reacting in defence, but forestalled it miraculously.  Instead we retreated to a private place and talked.  Apparently, he had been taking my verbal expression of frustration as personal attack.  This surprised me since it had never even crossed my mind that these things were his fault.  I had never even directed comments at him.  in fact they had all been calm and rational comments to the effect of, "I wish we had a different way to do this.  I hate being locked into a single path and dependent on ___ conditions."

So again, I could react with anger, point out his wrongs, or I could dissuade his frustration.  To my surprise I found myself doing the latter.  He calmed and we worked it out.  He even seeing that he had taken things too personally.

But then I began thinking of how he had arrived at that moment in the first place.  I tried to further understand his perspective, using the facts I knew.  Gradually a picture is forming.  I'm beginning to see how to communicate with him.  How to shape my flow to his in an edifying way.  To come alongside and build up as we move forward.

But this requires that I step outside myself and find the truth behind this facade.  In how many other ways can I do this?  What will be the effect?  Can I become as collected and cool as Card's Speaker for the Dead?  Knowing how to speak truth into any situation and gently manipulate myself for the betterment of the people I interact with?  To shape people and situations by reshaping myself?

I think this is possible.  In yielding there is strength.  In gentleness there is power.  It's not the same as slimy kowtowing or political manipulation.  It's a fresh wind, a folding brook.  It's the essence of the Spirit Lord.