Pain, Death, Rebirth

I don't have much of an idea what pain is. I mean real physical pain. I like to think I do, but I don't think many of us in the US even know what it is. I'm sure there are some. I know at least one person who does. But most of us are soft and whiny. I know I am. I am bothered by relatively minimal complaints. I am coming to believe that true strength, true heartiness, is not the absence of pain, but the ability to focus through it, to press on in spite of it.

This splices in nicely with other things I've been thinking. I am always put off by the focus on help in modern Christianity. Certainly rest for the weary and help are prominent features in the Bible. But this does not come at the exclusion of pain or suffering. When we focus too much on the help and the good, it sounds hollow.

I've recently heard a series of testimonials...the standard 'how has life changed for you now that you follow Christ' thing. Most are stupid, vapid comments like, "things are just good, and, you know, like stuff is better..." Most of these people weren't living in horrible circumstances, so their life hasn't changed much. That is not to say they haven't undergone a metanoia of their own, but what are we advertising here? This isn't some motivational seminar. We accept Christ because 1. we come to believe his claims are true and/or 2. we have no other alternative left before us. I don't believe there are any other reasons, but I invite anyone to point out other valid ones.

So, working from this perspective, the help is a nice feature, but not at all a requirement. Accepting a fact as a fact isn't an option. Whether you believe you will fall from a cliff or not, you will nonetheless fall. And whether a blind person believes the sky to be blue does not change the fact that those who see call the sky blue. It is true. This is the Gospel: Not so much, what can Jesus do for you, but that the God, the origin of all things has entered our time line to restore our rebellious ruined and doomed race back to what it was intended to be, along with the world we drug down with us. The only question, the only point of faith, is if we're right. And this is only a question because God has yet to submit to our will. He operates as He sees fit, and what else would we expect from a God who is actually God. I would certainly doubt a God who felt a need to convince me of anything.

And if we come by the second path, regardless of what we may believe to be true, we can come to such a broken helpless place, a place so aware of our own depravity and ruin that we will call out in sheer desperate hope. These, our God has promised never to ignore, so though they may not logically assent to everything, they will cling out of sheer desperate hope and find that hope not to be forsaken.

I personally have come by this path and in time found the first as well. So whether anyone else likes it, believes it, or accepts it. I am convinced. More than convinced. I have actually died. In some extratemporal spiritual way, I know the point of my own death and I know the meaning of being hidden in Christ, buried and resurrected with Him. It changes perspective on everything.

It wasn't until the point of my own death in a very real and final way that I truly understood that God existed and how. It was in that moment of final release of myself that I found I was not in a void, but held tightly by loving arms. That space was far from empty, but crammed full of Him. Truly not crammed full, but our universe is within Him, contained. He is inescapable.

I know that doesn't make much sense on the surface, but it is true. And because of it, I can't approach belief, evangelism, or whatever other Christian trappings, in the way many do. For some reason unknown to me, when I died, I was placed exactly back in the very moment of my previous timeline. I know the moment well. I felt my world blow away and reform. My physical heart still beats, my body still functions, but the real me, the soul, the part that makes me alive, had died and been reborn. I didn't want to come back. I wanted to be dead. But that is no longer for me to decide. Not I but Christ in me, lives and acts. Of course the ghosts, the shadows of my old nature still haunt the system. Some bugs are deep in the code of my being. But I don't want to fix them, I want to kill them with the rest of my old self.

So please don't come to me with hollow ideas of daisies and roses Jesus. I don't want to be fixed. I want to be dead! And if anything good remains it isn't me, its Christ. Accepting Him was irrevocable because I died to do it. And I am coming to understand that pain, that conflict, that suffering, are all parts of the dead man. I was sent back here to accomplish His purposes and I can truly say with Paul that neither physical death nor life matter any more to me because to live is Christ and to die is gain.