Pain

Pain is an incredible teacher.  For one thing, you can't ignore it.  If you think you can, then you don't know the capacity a human has to feel pain.  I'm talking about physical pain.

I was recently knocked down by something I didn't even know could happen and which is so painful, I've only experienced one thing more so.  I have hurt so bad from one particular ailment that I come very close to blacking out, which would be a blessing, let me tell you.  This is not as bad as that, but nearly so.

Thank God there are specialists who can relieve this pain in a simple procedure.  The procedure itself hurts and continues to for a while, but the cured hurt is different and more bearable.

I'm not going into details because pain is a very relative phenomenon.  If I were to tell you what it was, some of you would think it's no big deal.  Perhaps you may have even experienced the same and it didn't bother you as much.  This would lead you to judge me, even if in a very small way.

But this is exactly what I wanted to write about.  I tend to be, and used to be much more so, ascetic and willful.  I tend to believe we can endure, not be weak, so forth.  After experiencing such pain, internal, external, physical and emotional, I am becoming much softer and genuinely compassionate.  This time, I have learned to be more understanding of the relative nature of pain.  What hurts each of us is different and we can't know how much it hurts another.  What we may disregard may be excruciating to another.

I have often been guilty of silently and openly judging, belittling, and even mocking other people's pain.  Most people would not call me a monster, but I know myself and I am seeing this aspect more clearly now.

I hope to never experience these pains again.  I will take precautions to avoid it.  But I pray I will NEVER in ANY case make light of what another feels again.

I may not know how to respond.  It may even seem silly to me.  But I hope I can keep this experience as a reminder that I am not as tough as I like to think.  That I can, at any moment, be taken out by the smallest and most sudden thing.  And that there is no objectivity to pain--what someone feels is real to them.

They may actually feel it stronger than I do.  They may just not know how to cope with it and therefore it feels worse to them.  Fear may intensify the actual physical sensations.  But regardless, the person feeling it is the only one who can judge.  I now understand even more deeply the meaning of mercy and sympathy.

I have also been helped in this time in a humbling and genuine way by someone who does not have to.  It has not been pleasant or easy for them.  It is a pure act of love.  Experiencing this has crushed my pride and roused such a deep, deeper love in return.

There are huge universal truths at work here that my words can't even approach.  But then that's why we must experience rather than just talk about things.  It's the only way to learn.

To the one who helped me, I will love you forever.  There are no words to express my gratitude.

To the doctors who can and did help in such short order, and who followed up with me just to see if I was ok, you are what medicine is about. Thank God for you and I hope you will share that perspective with a thousand other doctors.

And to anyone I have wronged by belittling, downplaying, or misunderstanding your pain, I am truly sorry.  I can't go back.  But I will pay it forward...or to use the archaic phrase, I have repented.  I will make right the wrongs I've done and honor the good done to me by doing 10 times better for whoever I cross paths with, God help me.

And if you are in pain, know you are not alone.  I will ease it in whatever way I can.  If you know me in person, I will not turn you away.   If this blog is our only interaction, know that each word is fortified with intention and love for you.  I trust that the Source of all goodness, who is at this moment and always making right every wrong, will provide what you need most in this very moment...now.

Own the Pain

A friend and mentor used to say, "own the pain".  It's a phrase that struck home with me and has recently come to have an even deeper meaning.  I've expressed the idea to people before but most don't seem to get it.  Just a few minutes ago an explanation came to me that seems so much clearer.

It refers to a situation where we have been wronged or hurt.  We can react in many different ways, but most of us have a sense of justice that makes forgiveness and healing hard to do.  Even those of us who have been so beaten down as to turn inward when wounded will not be able to forgive, but will close down and bottle up.

But owning the pain is about deciding to bear the pain inflicted on you on behalf of the person who inflicted it.  It is an act of love.  It is a participation in the suffering Jesus endured for us.  Truly it is to do for another what Jesus did for us.  It is to be Jesus to the person who hurt you.

It is to stand before God and the world and say, these are MY wounds and MY pain.  To take them, as unjust as they may be, and let love overcome the hurt and damage.  It is to willingly accept the suffering without a word to the one who hurt you.  They don't need to be sorry.  They don't even need to acknowledge you are hurt.  It is to cry and ache and pray through it for them.  It is to bear on your heart and body the marks of Jesus.

It is to be Ashitaka taking San's dagger to your chest and enfolding her in your arms even as the blood runs down.  

It is to vanquish hate.

It is to stand before the Judgement Seat and say that you find no fault in that person.  To answer not that you forgive, but that there is nothing to forgive.  It is to participate in a real way in someone's salvation.

Responsible

Why am I always expected to be responsible? Is it because I've never been anything but? Even my rebellion is responsible, chivalrous even. I hate lies and would sooner tell someone to their face that I will not do what they ask than sneak around.

But right now I feel like I am surrounded by people who are not like this. I know I hold myself to a very high standard. Far higher than most people will ever know. Psychotically high almost. But sometimes, I feel that my responsibility gives others the room to be irresponsible and they don't feel bad about taking advantage of it. I don't even believe they notice it most of the time because I just pick up the slack.

Maybe I should just stop. Skip work, miss a payment or two, leave someone hanging or stranded, not do something I'm expected to do at work or home. Blow a paycheck or two. But the thing is, I can't. I can't! I can't let myself be this way, so it will never happen. Oh sure, I could give my whole paycheck away, but I couldn't blow it on frivolous stuff. I can't let the housework go. It eats at me and I have no peace until it's done. The kicker is, most of the mess I clean up isn't even mine. I recently went through to throw out more of my stuff and had a hard time finding any that wasn't necessary and useful items.

I guess that's why people don't believe me when I try to tell them these things. I even recently lost a long time friend over this very thing. He just wouldn't believe that I was capable of expressing bent feelings in an irresponsible way. Everyone else could be forgiven, but I was not given that grace. I was even accused of intentionally trying to hurt him by acting that way.

When will someone come find me? When will I get the hand up?

Even as I write this I am reminded of times when God has provided for me. He has never let me go too far. But that's just it...no human has ever done this. Is it any wonder I find so little of value in this world? A band once wrote that "this world has nothing for me, and this world has everything" I feel just like this. The thing is if it's true, then there is nothing left for me.