Sapped

I haven't posted much lately because I've been busy and haven't felt that I really had much to say. Today though, through a certain turn of events at work, I realized how susceptible I am to very subtle forms of stress. This form of stress seems to come because I have this nasty habit of caring. Caring about what I do, caring about how my actions affect others. Caring about what I am charged to do in my work. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have this problem. But the thing I can't resolve is that if you give me a job to do, I am going to try my best to succeed at it. Good, right? Well, I thought so until recently. Now I'm more convinced that no one really wants me to do what they charged me with. They just want me to look like I'm doing what I was charged with doing, without really getting in anyone's business of preserving themselves and without rocking any boats.

I have experienced this before years ago at a job. Finally, my solution was to quit trying. I just made life easy on myself. Why bother putting in the energy when no one really wanted me to do it anyway. Now I'm responsible for much more and have a trust bestowed upon me in principle if not in fact, to serve the public interest. I turned out to be pretty good at what I do. For a long time that got me a long way. I had a relatively independent spot and people really liked what I could do with it. Now I'm more in the mix of things and I keep finding myself crammed up against other people who don't seem to care and those who care but don't know what to do about it. So what to do? Stop trying so hard? Do what I'm asked and no more? Put in my time and go home? That would certainly be easier on me. Or do I fight the fight? Keep pressing? Endure and struggle and scrape to get one inch of ground this way and that like moving a 2 ton block?

I can hear the voice of culture and training saying the latter definitely will be rewarded. Press and fight and wear myself away at the wheel. My reward will come. But the voice in my heart says this is false. That I should not place my identity even in these things. That I should not struggle or strive, but simply exist. That I should engage things as water engages the stone. It can't be grasped, it can't be held, just flowing around and over.

I've never been a career-minded person. That is a hollow goal. My job is expedient to my needs right now, but should not own or define me. It's just so hard to stay out of it when surrounded by a constant thrumming of other attitudes. Even if those attitudes prove themselves to be false in the actions of the speakers.

God give me the ability to see that in every situation and to only invest where you tell me to.
Give me the strength to block out the urge to fall for the rhetoric without becoming bitter or lazy.