At the Eye

It's amazing how much can swirl around us. Thoughts, emotions, ideas. Most seem pretty much meaningless. I'm hoping there's a point in here somewhere, so let's see if it comes out.

Earthquakes and Tsunamis wracking Japan. Nuclear meltdown threat. Japanophiles everywhere rushing to make websites and raise money and go help. These are all pretty meaningless acts in themselves. We don't even know the extent of the damage yet. Going there is the last thing a disaster wracked county needs...hundreds of half-illiterate, barely-communicative foreign crash-tourists streaming in with no place to stay while you are trying to get streets cleared, restore power, prevent nuclear devastation, find dead and dying, and restore some semblance of normal life. Plus, it isn't like it's an impoverished nation. Not only is Japan's emergency management I dare say better than the US, they have the help of the US and every major relief organization in the world as well. Bad, yes. Sad, yes. So pray, find out about your friends and family, and don't be stupid.

There was a time when I longed for the destruction of everything. I wanted to see all the wrongs set right, the rebirth. I didn't care about the suffering or pain that might cause. I think that comes from being in a deadened state myself. Now I see the fear and pain that such destruction brings and it hurts me. Now that I would not see that sort of end to things, I have a feeling I am going to see more and more of it. I'm not making predictions about the Second Coming, just saying that I have always been drawn to apocalypse and have felt that I may live to see one. Whether this is The Apocalypse or merely the demise of a culture, I don't know. But regardless of my feelings about it, there is nothing for it but to walk it out. I trust beyond myself.

I have recently encountered a situation where I am learning to love someone through a very (for me) unlovable situation. It challenges me at every state, but I won't let it go until I am told to do so. If there is hope of seeing God's truth dawn on this soul, I am willing to do what I am given to do. This person sees on such a small level, and thinks everything fits that neat little package. What he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is so much more complex in many ways and so much simpler in others. It is a challenge for me to stay true to my beliefs without crushing those tender shoots of truth through my heavy-handedness, and without being influenced into something I do not believe.

At work, things continue to swirl, as change without hope of improvement continues. I have often said that it is a pessimizing business I am in. Being aware of legitimate information about the state of our society, being charged with helping to change it for the better, and constantly being suspected of some uncouthness from both sides. I found out today that yet again, I was cut out of a dealing which is entirely within my realm of responsibility. And I was cut out intentionally by my immediate supervisor. I will bring it up with him, even though he hates confrontation. I cannot abide being patronized or muffled. Trust me to do my job or tell me openly not to. Don't try to sneak around me and then tell me to continue doing the 'great job' I am doing while you subvert what I am working for. Every other country I have contact with seems to be doing a better job at what I do than this one. In those places, what I do is respected and brought to the table, if not prioritized. Here I fight on both sides. What's worst about this is that it forces me to operate on my own. I cannot discuss and cooperate because no one in my loop wants to hear it. The best I can do is commiserate with the few others in my boat.

Pollen is swirling again. I didn't have such reactions to it just a few years ago. Now it's worse. Here it's worse. Doctors say it's normal for those things to change over time, and usually for the worse before they get better. But I am healthier than ever and have trouble accepting this. I suspect pollution from industrial chemicals and air pollution have either irritated me (and countless others) to the point that we can't tolerate this minor natural irritant, or that the irritant itself has become more potent as a result of contact with these toxic compounds ala Nausiccaa. I bounce through phases during this season of just resorting to medicine every day, and then fearing side effects (or actually having them) or philosophically hating the concept of daily medication. It twists me up until at last the season is over. Thankfully so far we've had some rain which helps. Hopefully this mercy will continue.

In weaker moments I have issues with dissipation. I am a sheepdog. When I connect on a real level, I can't let it go without much suffering. Which is why I rarely allow myself to connect like that. Yet I have watched so many people just walk away from what I thought was real and valuable. Not that all cases are people walking away from Good, some are clearly a walking toward Good for that person...I guess I just feel left out. Like I have just run over to a friend's house to share the new toy we had talked about so often just in time to see him run away to play with other friends and I'm not invited. Honestly, I wouldn't go even if asked because those friends share something I not a part of. I would simply be the tag along. But this is a feeling I've felt most of my life at various points. I wish at least sometimes, someone would run over to my house. Choose to play with me this time. Unless I organize it, I rarely ever see any friends.

But I can see the calm center in this storm of circumstances. I rely too much on circumstances. This is the problem. I am being taught to place my whole hope and trust in the one eternal thing. The one thing which meets all needs. The one thing which so thankfully is not a what but a who. It's a bittersweet process. All emotions rolled together into a tumult with a calm center like a cyclone. Desire truly is the root of all suffering...but that doesn't mean we should stop desiring altogether. Desire simply needs to be for the right things. The eternal things that do not disappoint.

Yet I am often lonely and sorrowful. Brother Lawrence says that I can find mystical joy if I focus entirely on what pleases the object of my desire. I am not even to try too hard for this, but to relax in my ineptitude and allow God who can fulfill all needs to do so in me. I must trust that my pitiful and whiny struggles are my portion of the sufferings of Christ. All will be well. In complete surrender is freedom. In losing myself, I find myself. God I adore you.

Recovery

I have a suspicion that sin takes a while to purge. Or rather that it takes a while for us to heal from the effects of certain sins.

Of course many people don't even recognize sin. They don't understand the word. I don't want to go into a big treatise on the definition and philosophy of the concept, so suffice to say that it is wrongness. Acts of wrongness and just wrongness in general. If that doesn't work for you, then I refer you to the tomes on the subject. I will assume going forward that you know what it is and accept that it exists.

So when I commit certain sins to which I am prone, I have noticed lingering effects. Even though I believe that the price for those sins has been paid and that I am forgiven, even though I have repented to the best of my ability...which is really nil.

...ok I have to sidebar here a little...I don't believe that we have anything to do with the forgiveness of our sins. I know that, "if we confess our sins he ...will forgive us and cleanse us..." But I don't think this establishes a sort of spiritual transaction in which God's graces are contingent upon our behavior like many people believe. This is simply a new face on the Jewish law and the substance of most popular religion world wide. It's Karma in a broad sense. If this were true how could anyone ever come to God? We are separated before we know otherwise. If he didn't reach to us first, there would be no connection. Plus he has forgiven us, "while we were yet sinners" and there is "therefore no condemnation." The references go on and on. Suffice to say, we are forgiven period. Everyone is. It's our own rebelliousness that forces the charges to be held to our own account. The door to hell is locked form the inside. End sidebar.

Even though I know the forgiveness, and am learning not to interpret my own self-condemnation as God's wrath, beyond that, there are certain discreet factors which noticeably improve in the area surrounding the sins (and no I'm not going to say what they are) the further away from it I get. The longer I go without falling to it again, I notice those affected areas improving.

I suspect it might have something to do with the residuals of the sin itself. Since sin is a negation of what should be, it may have a sort of cancerous effect on the spirit. It's a subtle thing, as with most truths...but there may be something to this.

Radical Change

As usual, something is happening in me. It always is, really. But I am aware of something brewing at this moment. I am full of doubts and questions, but certain things have happened recently that have led me to think I must move a certain direction.

I am learning what it means to radically follow Jesus. I mean really as if it were all literally true. I don't want to play mental gymnastics with his words. What would life be like if I really, literally believed he was directing my every step? What if I am everything that I dream, hope for? Everything that has been spoken about me?

I once fell in love with this kind of life. I never really forgot it. I just get dulled and snowed in by other thingsfor a while. Each time a bit more of the illusion sheds away as I wake up.

But I want ot keep planning. I want to keep organizing. The voice of my culture and training screams that I am doing wrong...sometimes quite literally when I talk to my mother or father. But even they are beginning to see it. They just can't let go yet. The truth is, I have realized I'm not really holding onto anything in the first place. It's only God's mercy and patience that allow me to believe the illusions anyway.

I'd love to describe where I'm going with this, but the truth is I don't know. I feel like I'm taking a trust fall. Not one on my own terms...not one with parameters that give a margin of safety, but like Neo taking the red pill (what an awesome metaphor), I have no idea what will come next. But I'm trying desperately to open my mind and heart to it.

The premise is this: Jesus found people and said, "come follow me." They went. That's it. No organization. No planning. They literally left what they were doing and followed him. He's still saying the same thing. That's all. It sounds different now because he isn't physically present, but in a way that is both harder and easier. If a man walked up to you at work and said come with me. Would you go? In that sense, feeling a deep near-irresistible draw to Jesus is a much easier thing to assent to. But on the other hand, the first disciples had a person to touch and a voice to hear in their natural ears. This is easier to be certain of than the fickle tuggings of one's heart. So in the end it balances. Paul says that each of us was placed in exactly the right time for us to be. I have no control over that.

But I am feeling more confident that I can trust Him in my heart and life than I have before. I am starting on a day by day, moment by moment faith. Listening, watching, doing what I am asked to do in that moment. Without regard for the outcome. Without regard for human structures or traditions...not that these are necessarily bad, only that I know they are not to be a rule for me. Nothing replacing that moment by moment trust.

My hope is that I will find this increasingly possible. That he will be increasingly proved faithful. That this is my way out. We'll see.

Control is an Illusion

My life is about control. I think yours is too. Most of us put it in different terms security, happiness, peace of mind, goals. But it really means control. Sometimes we don't even notice how we need control. We fear the unknown: places, people different from us. We dislike things that we feel we can't control: animals, weather. We harbor in cities and comfortable neighborhoods. We sacrifice freedoms to gain a semblance of security, control.

In my case, I fear people most of all. I can't control them at all. I don't understand them. Where some fear wild animals, weather, oceans, wilderness, I am actually more comfortable there because in those situations what I can't control is obvious and the elements I can't control make sense. They behave according to laws or principles. Granted many don't understand this, but it's true. A shark isn't being deceitful. It is what it is. It behaves a certain way. We can interact, or avoid interaction based on those rules. And behind it all, these things submit to my God. They are loyal to his order. But people are not. They cheat and deceive, change on a whim, hide, manipulate, and even randomly act without sense. They are not bound to follow God's order...ultimately they are of course, but they have a choice to act against God where elements and wildlife do not, or at least very very rarely ever choose to go against that order.

But in all honesty, whatever ways we strive for control, it is always an illusion. We had no say in when, where, or how we were born, the conditions of our life, the state of our health. We have very little control over these things in our ongoing lives. We can manage risk factors, but even this is no guarantee. Any doctor, philosopher, warrior, gambler, or statistician would say so. I do not pay my bills by my own strength. I simply push out that buffer of security as far as I am able; to the limit of reasonable risk. But this is hollow. It could all end at any moment. I have no guarantees and could do nothing about it anyway.

Perhaps this is what bothers me so much about a life that seems blind to this reality. Perhaps this is why I feel so much at ease in the wild where others find even less control. There, I am free to let myself be out of control. To focus on the next moment only. The next breath, the next stroke, the next hand-hold. At any slip I could die. There I am fully in the hands of my God.

The trick is, I am never less in His hands. Not at work, or among the crowd of riotous partiers, not lying on my futon. I do not need to fear even there. I have no more control in these situations. I only have more illusion of it. I have no less control in the others, only less illusion of it. That's why I hate this work-a-day life so much. It is a lie, a blinding fluffy down of comfort that smothers all objections and dulls all senses back to sleep. I will get out of it. I don't know how or when, but it is coming.

Perhaps I have more to learn before that can become a reality for me. Perhaps I need to learn to trust in each moment. To live in that freedom that comes knowing I have nothing to do for my life. I need to learn to trust Him that fully. In that trust, I'll be able to enjoy each moment the fullest. Savoring each good thing, caring not a lick for the maybe, and enduring the bad with patience and resilience.

We often hear that this is possible in our regular lives. God doesn't require us to move or change anything really. Only to change our attitude. And that is true in a way. But it is often taken too far out of context. So far that it becomes an excuse for perpetuating the life-sucking institutions that feed the illusions we are so addicted to.

Rabbit Hole

Lately more has happened. I feel like I'm approaching a convergence of some kind. A metanoia. I am really feeling a need to shed false pretenses and be who I am. the problem is that who I am is not widely accepted. It isn't narrowly accepted. It just plain isn't accepted.

This was highlighted by a recent exchange in which I revealed a bit too much in a setting where I thought it would be safe. Man, was I wrong. The bulletfire rained down on me, mostly from someone I considered a friend. Honestly, I don't blame him too much. I knew how he was and what set him off. As I have blogged before, when my true self leaks out, it is often denied, attacked, or hurriedly swept back under the rug because people are uncomfortable with it. Heck, I'm uncomfortable with it. It's an uncomfortable state of being! Made worse by the fact that I am so communicative and good at pretending.

I had once found a group of people that healed me in a lot of ways. They validated my outlook. They allowed me a space to be who I was. We were all misfits, so we welcomed the company. But that ended, and for good reason. It had become corrupted by our own problems. But I do desperately miss the ability to relax in myself. To not be guarded all the time. Even in my own home, I have to be guarded because my son is sensitive and easily freaked out. If the full measure of my personality came out, as has leaked, he loses it.

So for a long time now, I've had terrible dreams. Every night almost, I wake up numerous times and in the morning feel drained as if I've been struggling all night. The dreams vary, but often have the same issues leaking in. I can't determine where it comes from or what needs to be done. But recently, I became aware that this must represent some repression trying to break out of my subconscious. so I asked a friend who is very good at dream interpretation what he thought.

In a few sentences he explained things about me that I had not revealed. That he did not know. He acquired it simply from my description of the dreams. That was all it took to poke a hole in the damn. The trickle started through and I delved deeper into my own existence, making connections. I haven't sorted it all out. It just happened today, and this blog is part of that processing. But as usual, many things in my life have started to coincide...events, chance happenings, thoughts, memories out of chronology, etc.

It all has to do with my frustration at having buried who I am. What I need to live. But man, it's in deep. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of it and I'm honestly a bit scared to. The last time I began down these paths, I nearly lost my mind altogether. Already, the doubts are beginning to attack the anchors in my reality.

...

I broke to read to my son before bed. We're reading the Chronicles of Narnia. we're on The Silver Chair. Wouldn't you know, Jack has come through again. What we read tonight opened a whole lot more to me. The whole book even fits so timely. So, I think I can write it now. Starting way back.

I've been confronted with the idea lately that God is a projection of my own mind. Sure, I've heard that before. But it's different reading about it, or apologizing against it than encountering it in action and word and deed. It seeps into my head like a dark spell...it might actually be. I find myself trying to remember why I thought God was anything else. What evidence I can cite seems always to be swallowed up nicely in the idea. "I subconsciously created it all. I longed for it, needed it, and it occurred. But this is not a bad thing", the spell goes, "only the same thing in different clothes. One is all, all is one...eternally God, eternally me, aspects of myself...I am God. God is me. As I face the truth, I will see it is so." Just like the Green Witch, enchanting the four heroes that they imagined any world but hers. So hard to fight it, it seeps in like music, like incense fills a room. My defenses become hazy as my mind is lulled. "And when I realize this truth, I'll realize that goodness is all there is. Move toward goodness, toward happiness, what makes me feel good, and I move toward God because I am God and my desire is for myself, so pleasing myself pleases God." It's an insidious poison. Just like Rillian lives in his enchantment happy and carefree all the time. But it is pain that brings the heroes out of it. Not just any pain, but the pain of the Marsh-wiggle, the melancholy depressive. It is he that is most resistant to the spell, and it is his self-inflicted pain that breaks the enchantment. Good God! Thank you!

This is why I hurt my foot. Even a foot like in the book. This is why my head hurts so much recently. This is why I've become acutely aware of the restrictive and deadening nature of my chair at work, which I am "strapped to" increasingly...and it's silver!! Oh God it's too much! This Rabbit Hole is deep and strange.

I am dark. I was made dark. I am gloomy. I am angry. I see things gravely. But it is this gravity, this severity, this darkness that is my nature and my grace. I didn't make myself. But I can be myself. I don't need to change. I don't want to heal from this. It is a blessing and a part of the Body. Is the mouth a foot? I am what I was made to be and can be no other. I am tired of trying. I'm sorry for denying the holy goodness of my own existence, even if the whole world denies it. I have seen the sun, I have seen the grass and the trees and the Lion. And with a taste of that, this world pales. Even if I never see it again, I choose that over this dark and hellish planet. I'm sorry, this life is NOT worth living. It is NOT beautiful. And I will stake my entire soul on the one hope that the Lion is real. That I did not dream up the true world.

I will make changes. I will live in this understanding...God give me strength. I don't know how far down this particular hole goes, but I'm in. The crazy thing is (just one crazy thing?) that I can now see again how the real world is set crosswise through this one. We draw the lines in the wrong places. That's one of the reasons I am so misunderstood. When I deprecate this life, most people immediately jump to "suicidal", but that is not the case at all! My natural eyes see the same boundaries, but my real eyes see the true nature. (This is not going to make sense.) The Kingdom of Heaven is within you. Because the Earthly physical world is false does not mean that all physical is false. The Kingdom of the Air and the Kingdom of Heaven are not divided along the lines of physical and nonphysical, heart beating and not beating...

wow, this is too much. I have to stop. My mind is winding down for now.

Attack?

I have heard of parasitic personalities. I'm sure they exist. I've known some. But lately, I've really felt like I'm being attacked, which is different. Just seems like things keep seeping into my brain and life from strange places. Is it attack? Is it intentional from a person, or am I stepping into new unlit territory? That of course would increase pressure from negative spiritual forces to stop the incursion. Am I walking on my own and need to retreat, or do I need to press forward until it abates?

I feel like Ransom's friend approaching Ransom's house in Perelandra. Will the edilla terrorism attacks stop if I continue, or not. Am I Israel under Joshua's prime, or close to his death? In his prime, the nation was unstoppable. Near his death they were unable to defeat their enemies. Later on, God said it was a test to see if they would hold firm or look for ways out. So is that my situation?

It is here that I am reminded why I left those marshy places where moving is slow and muddy, standing still is to sink further, and all around is fetid and stinking decay of once vibrant organic ideas mushed and shapeless now as it mixes into a synthesized goo that resembles bits and pieces of the original, but has become something else altogether.

While rigid adherence to orthodoxy has its perils, it is also the lifeline through these marshes. The solid ground that allows a foothold. Venture off that narrow path at your own peril.

Tumult

It's been a weird few weeks. I've had highs and lows and blahs all mixed up rolling one after the other and back again. I'll be glad when it settles down.

I'm not even sure where to start, but feel like writing might help process it. So this will be one of those entries. The kind that get a title right before I post it.

I had started a few days ago to write about somethings, so I'll start with that. I had blogged about a particular person I know here. I saw her again a few times recently when from a distance or out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a fabulously attractive woman that looked a bit familiar. She was so attractive that I took a second look, but upon doing so, I found it was her...plain and simple in her normal subdued type of beauty. I don't know why this happens with her, but I'm glad I get to see it.

Then I have been wrestling with other issues surrounding another friend and some ideas of his. It's too much to recount here and I'm not even sure yet what to say about it because I haven't settled it entirely in my own head.

Then there is church, which I had severed with in a nicely amicable way a few months ago. immediately following I had a surge of freedom and several amazing experiences that could not have been of my own making...the most important of which resulted in receiving a God-daughter. This is no small event for me because first of all, I did not set out to do anything of the kind. My heart was quite truthfully imprinted with this child. It feels quite awkward and even a bit embarrassing really, to say that. But I know it was God's doing. Too many clear signs accompanied it to be anything else. But then in order to help cement that new relationship with her family and with her, I went back to my role as a children's minister. The very day I returned she told me she had gotten special permission to advance to another class. I can't fault her. She's quite mature for her age...but there went my plan. Which is probably the real problem anyway. I've got to quit planning.

So now I'm stuck in there and committed to a term. Everyone there wants me to stay on, my wife wants my to quit, and I haven't given indication about it yet because I don't know. On the one hand is the surity I had after finally stepping away from the institution. On the other is the enjoyment of working with the kids and the special joys from a certain few.

Just this Sunday, a child I hadn't seen in a while was back and she (it's always girls) latched onto me...literally. I had to keep peeling her off to do other things, but finally had a moment to sit with her. I was surrounded by kids as usual, but she slunk into my lap and settled in as comfortable as a puppy...you know how they can so completely drop their weight onto you...that's what she did. I looked at her face and saw that she was thoroughly soaking something in. She said she wasn't tired. She apparently just needed the contact.

So what do I do with that? Is it a matter of sacrifice that I stay, or that I go? I don't know! With my God-daughter, the relationship has continued to grow through other things and then out of the blue one morning her mother just opened up and flooded out more personal information than I have ever heard from her. I was a bit shocked, but very happy because she seemed to be comfortable with us. I don't know where that will go, but I am constantly afraid of coming off like a freak (too late, I know) or of doing the wrong thing.

I recently moved my Parkour training from the conditioning phase to actual practice. It's been really good for me. It's such a meditative thing for me. But as soon as I started, I've been off my training for a while because of a minor injury, which turns out to be nothing. But I think I need that to help clear my head and focus.

There's more, but I don't feel like writing it. Maybe this is just a silent period.