I was recently struck by this idea. It started with a Head song and lingered in the humus of my mind for a long time, several weeks, until it finally sprouted. It is a simple idea, but one that changes perspective on so many things.
As usual, it has a lot to do with the death of the self. Our own pride, self-serving is the biggest problem we face as individuals and in groups, I think. The great I is always vying for control, and it gets it very easily. One of the surest ways to quiet a troubled mind is to get it occupied on someone else...serving someone else. There can be self-centeredness that comes off arrogant and snooty and there can also be self-centeredness that simply focuses on oneself too much. That is, even focusing on changing ourselves is still a form of self-centeredness.
Anyway, when I meditate on the phrase, "His world" it changes so much of my desire and perspective. His sky, His water, His land, His food, His air, His electrons, His life force. What if, just what if, everything was truly and literally God's. He didn't make it and give it to us, or walk away from it. It's all His. I know this sounds like a truism on the surface, but that's the case with most contemplative revelations. But let it sink and and mull it over so that you think it about everything you look at, everything you do. Every breath you take.
I realized, like really felt it become a reality for me, that I am not in the least in control of any moment of my life. My air could stop, my body can break down, illness can overtake me, rocks can fall from the sky, the air I suck in can poison me, my very cells can lose cohesion and my body disintegrate. I no more make the air I suck in replenish the oxygen in my body than I make the sun come up or go down. There is a universe of complex interactions going on around me all the time. I see this as an ecologist. And we humans have nothing to do with it. We take it for granted. There are places that do not even exist for us. Places in this physical world where humans cannot go... yet they exist. For who? Not for us, certainly. For other beings? Perhaps. ('They just do', is not an answer it's a cop out, so quit thinking it. And no good scientist will accept it either. Only the hacks are satisfied with answers like that. A good scientist would answer, "I don't know." There's a big difference.)
As someone who has experienced evidence of the living God, I can say with certainty that they exists ultimately for God. For His pleasure. Sure, He often has other purposes that we can come to know, but that doesn't negate the root reason, even if some secondary reason serves us.
We delude ourselves into thinking we control anything. We plan and when things go our way, we think we've managed risk well. Bull! We didn't control anything. We just pretended to like the kid who thinks that he has special powers when something he desires actually occurs. If things went well it was pure grace, nothing more.
This leads us into a very submissive frame of mind. I control nothing. I am essentially a toy. I feel sophisticated, but that is simply because I couldn't make me. I may very well be more the complexity of a clay figure than an AI robot. How would I know? Yet for all this, I am given special provision. I am touched by the living God. He talks to me. He feeds me. He cares for me better than wildlife, better than livestock, better than a pet. He treats me like a son, and He even sets me over things He's made. He even merged me into Himself, imparted some of His reality, His prime generating powerful self to me.
The Bible clearly confirms this in verses I have read over many times. For His pleasure we were created...fearfully and wonderfully made...we are God's workmanship...in Him we live and move and have our being...through Him all things were made that have been made...yet not even one (sparrow) falls to the ground apart from Him...
It is humbling and liberating. I am not responsible for my own survival, or the survival of others. My family's welfare does not hinge on me. The fate of society and even the world does not hinge on me. I couldn't destroy it if I wanted to. What I do I do not do out of necessity for survival or responsibility, but out of gratitude and service and fun, as the case may be.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Sapped
I haven't posted much lately because I've been busy and haven't felt that I really had much to say. Today though, through a certain turn of events at work, I realized how susceptible I am to very subtle forms of stress. This form of stress seems to come because I have this nasty habit of caring. Caring about what I do, caring about how my actions affect others. Caring about what I am charged to do in my work. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have this problem. But the thing I can't resolve is that if you give me a job to do, I am going to try my best to succeed at it. Good, right? Well, I thought so until recently. Now I'm more convinced that no one really wants me to do what they charged me with. They just want me to look like I'm doing what I was charged with doing, without really getting in anyone's business of preserving themselves and without rocking any boats.
I have experienced this before years ago at a job. Finally, my solution was to quit trying. I just made life easy on myself. Why bother putting in the energy when no one really wanted me to do it anyway. Now I'm responsible for much more and have a trust bestowed upon me in principle if not in fact, to serve the public interest. I turned out to be pretty good at what I do. For a long time that got me a long way. I had a relatively independent spot and people really liked what I could do with it. Now I'm more in the mix of things and I keep finding myself crammed up against other people who don't seem to care and those who care but don't know what to do about it. So what to do? Stop trying so hard? Do what I'm asked and no more? Put in my time and go home? That would certainly be easier on me. Or do I fight the fight? Keep pressing? Endure and struggle and scrape to get one inch of ground this way and that like moving a 2 ton block?
I can hear the voice of culture and training saying the latter definitely will be rewarded. Press and fight and wear myself away at the wheel. My reward will come. But the voice in my heart says this is false. That I should not place my identity even in these things. That I should not struggle or strive, but simply exist. That I should engage things as water engages the stone. It can't be grasped, it can't be held, just flowing around and over.
I've never been a career-minded person. That is a hollow goal. My job is expedient to my needs right now, but should not own or define me. It's just so hard to stay out of it when surrounded by a constant thrumming of other attitudes. Even if those attitudes prove themselves to be false in the actions of the speakers.
God give me the ability to see that in every situation and to only invest where you tell me to.
Give me the strength to block out the urge to fall for the rhetoric without becoming bitter or lazy.
I have experienced this before years ago at a job. Finally, my solution was to quit trying. I just made life easy on myself. Why bother putting in the energy when no one really wanted me to do it anyway. Now I'm responsible for much more and have a trust bestowed upon me in principle if not in fact, to serve the public interest. I turned out to be pretty good at what I do. For a long time that got me a long way. I had a relatively independent spot and people really liked what I could do with it. Now I'm more in the mix of things and I keep finding myself crammed up against other people who don't seem to care and those who care but don't know what to do about it. So what to do? Stop trying so hard? Do what I'm asked and no more? Put in my time and go home? That would certainly be easier on me. Or do I fight the fight? Keep pressing? Endure and struggle and scrape to get one inch of ground this way and that like moving a 2 ton block?
I can hear the voice of culture and training saying the latter definitely will be rewarded. Press and fight and wear myself away at the wheel. My reward will come. But the voice in my heart says this is false. That I should not place my identity even in these things. That I should not struggle or strive, but simply exist. That I should engage things as water engages the stone. It can't be grasped, it can't be held, just flowing around and over.
I've never been a career-minded person. That is a hollow goal. My job is expedient to my needs right now, but should not own or define me. It's just so hard to stay out of it when surrounded by a constant thrumming of other attitudes. Even if those attitudes prove themselves to be false in the actions of the speakers.
God give me the ability to see that in every situation and to only invest where you tell me to.
Give me the strength to block out the urge to fall for the rhetoric without becoming bitter or lazy.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Great Book
I just read a book that has taken a place among the life-changing reads. Right there with Practice of the Presence, Ishmael, and just about anything by C.S. Lewis. It's called So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore.
It isn't the writing that makes this book so good. It's the content. If you read this blog, you'll know many of the attitudes and struggles I have regarding religion. And if you know me personally, you'll know there are many more than what's made it onto this blog. This book spoke to nearly all of them and a few I hadn't even thought of. And it validates a direction I've been heading over the years without really knowing it and in spite of trying desperately not to go that way.
I received this book as an indefinite loan and shoved it on the shelf to take it's place at the back of the list. At the time, I had just finished Organic Church, which made some great points that I emphatically agree with and made me think. But it had too much of an agenda to really sit well. This book actually addresses the attitude behind Organic Church and points out the flaws in the thinking. But, at the time, I wasn't into another apparently similar book, so I let it lay. But recently, things have come up that I have really been struggling with. Inadequacies and injuries that should not exist in what touts itself as God's Way. And people, when confronted with them in an effort to legitimately gain understanding, react in odd ways. So I was aching inside and the book dropped off the shelf at me...quite literally, it almost walked right out into my hand. So I took that as a sign to read it and can see now how the time was so right.
This kind of thing should not at all be surprising if God is truly alive and willing to be known. (This book addresses that as well!) But I think what struck me the most was that the overall theme is not, 'leave the institutional church'. It isn't 'fix the church as we know it'. It isn't anything like that. If it had been, I wouldn't have liked it. The theme of this book is simply, "follow Jesus". Radically, completely, personally, follow Jesus in direct and real ways. It points out how various styles of contemporary American protestant 'churches' fail at this for various reasons. But the freeing thing is, we don't have to fix it. We can stay or go or do something different because we are only responsible for ourselves. We may be told by Jesus to leave. Or we may be told to stay. The point isn't the outcome. The point is the process. Where we fail is in the process.
It radically redefines for me what it means to be a Christian and blows so many of the old rules and manipulations out of the water. Where to start? I don't want to describe them all here. It would take pages. In short, I'm done playing the games. I want something real. I want the amazing fulfilling life promised in the Bible. I have experienced it and want it back. Unfortunately, at the time, we didn't understand the process and it failed as our corruptions perverted it. But now I can see to the root of it and will be able to avoid it...How? Because it isn't up to me. It's up to Jesus. I just have to follow him with abandon. I'll probably get sucked off into error somehow. But he'll pull me back. And I don't have to worry about the ramifications for others because He is doing the same for every person on the planet. We're all on our own journey.
You see, salvation is for all people. God loves us equally. And Jesus opened the door to draw us all to God. He abolished the old system. I am not responsible for my own salvation and God is not withholding His blessings until I get it all worked out. It isn't a reward/punishment system. This is good news, man! This is the Good Spiel, the Gospel, the Good News. We are free! Every one of of us is loved by God and freed from all the bondage we have created for ourselves. Does that mean people will abuse the freedom. Yes. But that is no excuse to crawl back into the chains.
The thing is, I knew this stuff all along and was afraid to give it sway. I had been shown them and pushed them aside from fear and pride and misteaching. Trust me, I've seen the results of threatening someone's comfort level. When you walk out on the water, people will first try to haul you back in the boat. When you tell them the boat sunk eons ago and they're clinging to an illusion, they freak out and start trying to shove you under! "You need the boat! Heretic! Idiot! Pervert! Thief! Liar! Sink damn you!" And then they turn and defame you as a poor lost soul in need of prayer. When you won't play the game, people get torqued. But I'm going to be ok with that. I have to be. It scares me, yeah, but I've been there before. As I've said before, following Jesus is not an option once you know what's real. To deny it makes me a liar.
So here goes: Your Sunday gathering doesn't make you closer to God. Listening to a concert of songs with praises in them doesn't constitute worship. The building you meet in isn't God's house. You don't have to say a prayer of forgiveness or salvation before God will listen to you. A Christian doesn't look like anything particular. You don't need instruction or covering from professional clergy or denominations. You're job title doesn't make you appointed by God. You're children don't need hyped atmosphere and reward games to stay in church, they need something real and will leave when they are old enough because they will see through it. You can't even go to church! That's like saying, you go to human. Wherever Christians go, there church is. You don't have to save the lost or fix what's wrong; Jesus did that and does that. God's purposes run crosswise through our efforts, including institutions, ministries, home churches, pagans and atheists, and as such the organization or lack thereof is irrelevant. You don't have to figure it out or defend God. God loves you. He died to have you back. And He actively, daily, minute by minute, draws you to Himself in His ways on His timing. This is reality. All you have to do to experience it is quit ignoring it. And God will reveal Himself. He will prove Himself. You need no more faith than to believe He exists and wants you to know Him. You're emotions are ok. You're questions are ok. If you feel uneasy about something it's probably because something is wrong. You don't have to blindly accept it, or "just have faith." And if someone teaches you that, they are probably wrong.
God it feels good to write this!
It isn't the writing that makes this book so good. It's the content. If you read this blog, you'll know many of the attitudes and struggles I have regarding religion. And if you know me personally, you'll know there are many more than what's made it onto this blog. This book spoke to nearly all of them and a few I hadn't even thought of. And it validates a direction I've been heading over the years without really knowing it and in spite of trying desperately not to go that way.
I received this book as an indefinite loan and shoved it on the shelf to take it's place at the back of the list. At the time, I had just finished Organic Church, which made some great points that I emphatically agree with and made me think. But it had too much of an agenda to really sit well. This book actually addresses the attitude behind Organic Church and points out the flaws in the thinking. But, at the time, I wasn't into another apparently similar book, so I let it lay. But recently, things have come up that I have really been struggling with. Inadequacies and injuries that should not exist in what touts itself as God's Way. And people, when confronted with them in an effort to legitimately gain understanding, react in odd ways. So I was aching inside and the book dropped off the shelf at me...quite literally, it almost walked right out into my hand. So I took that as a sign to read it and can see now how the time was so right.
This kind of thing should not at all be surprising if God is truly alive and willing to be known. (This book addresses that as well!) But I think what struck me the most was that the overall theme is not, 'leave the institutional church'. It isn't 'fix the church as we know it'. It isn't anything like that. If it had been, I wouldn't have liked it. The theme of this book is simply, "follow Jesus". Radically, completely, personally, follow Jesus in direct and real ways. It points out how various styles of contemporary American protestant 'churches' fail at this for various reasons. But the freeing thing is, we don't have to fix it. We can stay or go or do something different because we are only responsible for ourselves. We may be told by Jesus to leave. Or we may be told to stay. The point isn't the outcome. The point is the process. Where we fail is in the process.
It radically redefines for me what it means to be a Christian and blows so many of the old rules and manipulations out of the water. Where to start? I don't want to describe them all here. It would take pages. In short, I'm done playing the games. I want something real. I want the amazing fulfilling life promised in the Bible. I have experienced it and want it back. Unfortunately, at the time, we didn't understand the process and it failed as our corruptions perverted it. But now I can see to the root of it and will be able to avoid it...How? Because it isn't up to me. It's up to Jesus. I just have to follow him with abandon. I'll probably get sucked off into error somehow. But he'll pull me back. And I don't have to worry about the ramifications for others because He is doing the same for every person on the planet. We're all on our own journey.
You see, salvation is for all people. God loves us equally. And Jesus opened the door to draw us all to God. He abolished the old system. I am not responsible for my own salvation and God is not withholding His blessings until I get it all worked out. It isn't a reward/punishment system. This is good news, man! This is the Good Spiel, the Gospel, the Good News. We are free! Every one of of us is loved by God and freed from all the bondage we have created for ourselves. Does that mean people will abuse the freedom. Yes. But that is no excuse to crawl back into the chains.
The thing is, I knew this stuff all along and was afraid to give it sway. I had been shown them and pushed them aside from fear and pride and misteaching. Trust me, I've seen the results of threatening someone's comfort level. When you walk out on the water, people will first try to haul you back in the boat. When you tell them the boat sunk eons ago and they're clinging to an illusion, they freak out and start trying to shove you under! "You need the boat! Heretic! Idiot! Pervert! Thief! Liar! Sink damn you!" And then they turn and defame you as a poor lost soul in need of prayer. When you won't play the game, people get torqued. But I'm going to be ok with that. I have to be. It scares me, yeah, but I've been there before. As I've said before, following Jesus is not an option once you know what's real. To deny it makes me a liar.
So here goes: Your Sunday gathering doesn't make you closer to God. Listening to a concert of songs with praises in them doesn't constitute worship. The building you meet in isn't God's house. You don't have to say a prayer of forgiveness or salvation before God will listen to you. A Christian doesn't look like anything particular. You don't need instruction or covering from professional clergy or denominations. You're job title doesn't make you appointed by God. You're children don't need hyped atmosphere and reward games to stay in church, they need something real and will leave when they are old enough because they will see through it. You can't even go to church! That's like saying, you go to human. Wherever Christians go, there church is. You don't have to save the lost or fix what's wrong; Jesus did that and does that. God's purposes run crosswise through our efforts, including institutions, ministries, home churches, pagans and atheists, and as such the organization or lack thereof is irrelevant. You don't have to figure it out or defend God. God loves you. He died to have you back. And He actively, daily, minute by minute, draws you to Himself in His ways on His timing. This is reality. All you have to do to experience it is quit ignoring it. And God will reveal Himself. He will prove Himself. You need no more faith than to believe He exists and wants you to know Him. You're emotions are ok. You're questions are ok. If you feel uneasy about something it's probably because something is wrong. You don't have to blindly accept it, or "just have faith." And if someone teaches you that, they are probably wrong.
God it feels good to write this!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Bashing
They say that when you ask God for patience, you should be prepared to wait. I think this is true of any lesson. If we ask for it, we have to be prepared for the answer. I think this is part of counting the cost.
I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.
I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.
Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.
Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.
I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.
The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?
I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.
And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!
I don't know what's going on, but in the back of my mind, I have this assurance that I asked for it somehow. Not in the sense that I feel I am being punished, but in the sense that I asked for a greater refinement, to be taken a step up, and that may be the source of my current situations.
I have recently had a horrible week of bashing from multiple directions, all topped off with more bad news and business. It's one of those times when you feel like all the efforts you put out in good faith have been dashed aside in favor of wicked or thoughtless things. I feel like the Psalms right now. And all I can do is cry out about it. I can't see where it is leading, or where it will end. I can't even feel any grand provision in it anymore. Just existing to the next stage.
Of course I never feel totally abandoned by God. I see his care and provision, even if he isn't parting the veil and pouring over me currently. I want to strike out and do something, fix a problem or myself or whatever needs to be done. I want motion, but get nothing.
Some of these things like work troubles and other business will pass. But others bother me more. I second guess my motives and my actions and my thoughts so many times that I don't even know who I am and what is really me. Do I follow my instincts and react from the heart, true to myself, or is that selfish pride? Do I gush my heart open or simply let it go? The trouble is, I don't even feel like I have a safe place to be myself and find out. I feel on edge, and that is perhaps most of the trouble.
I hate rhetoric that is disingenuous or ignorant. It hurts far more to say people are open when in fact they aren't. Better to simply tell everyone to put on a good face than to encourage them to put on an openness that isn't open.
The thing is, I've been here before, and it resulted in my leaving the country. Strangely, even then the same message came to my heart over and over and I know I should usually follow it. The message is to go to a place that I know is safe. A place where questions are not glad-hand slaps and jokes, but real asking after a person. The problem is that I have ties elsewhere that I don't know if I can or should break. Do I go to the church that I feel called to, the one that always comes to mind when I think of what Christians should be? Or do I stay in the hell of facades and mirrors to be the anchor for one particular person (and sundry others to a lesser degree)? Is that person actually my anchor? Or is it all drama in my head, echoing past experiences and projections of scripts from my psyche?
I think I've actually been here before too. And the answer did finally come in one off-hand moment that didn't go at all as planned for the poor guy who thought he was delivering one message and actually delivered another altogether. But to me, it was clear as crystal in that moment. I guess I wait for the moment.
And as for being myself, I think that is a must. I cannot let others judge. I must be who I am. Only God can judge me and I must be free to express. If my heart is seeking truth and right, I can't get too far off, right? This is why I hate facades. It tortures a person like me. And I am surrounded by facades of nonfacades. I can hear it in voices and see it behind eyes and in micro expressions. It is crushing to my spirit and my heart to see it and not know how to help break these people free!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Headache
I've had a headache for two months now. I'm not kidding. It gets more or less intense, but it hasn't gone away. It's a constant companion reminding me of my frail flesh. I'd love to be rid of it, but haven't found the way.
I've been to two different doctors, done three antibiotics, tried OTC decongestants and pain killers. At best, they give a few hours of lessening, but no remedy. I had a CT scan that said it's a sinus infection, but I have none of the usual symptoms. In fact, my nasal allergies have completely disappeared. I feel great other than this nagging headache. I've got another appointment with a different specialist next week.
I've looked into self-healing. I believe this is possible. I've tried meditation, which can relieve the pain temporarily. I've tried the Unmodify method, to no avail. I'm constantly praying. And I've asked for prayer several times from others.
I don't know if this is a psychosomatic thing, or if there is really something wrong. No one who should know seems too worried about it, so I haven't been either. I started to be afraid of tumors or other weird illnesses until I realized that these would actually be a relief to me since I would be forced out of my complacency and may even face the end of my journey here. For me, this is a serious relief and something very hopeful. Knowing the end of my struggle was coming soon would be such a relief at long last. I have no desire for long life in this miserable dimension. I am merely serving my tour.
I also realized that this pain has kept me focused on God, kept me seeking him at every turn. I also realized that there are many who go through life with far worse pains for far longer. I have a new compassion for them. I also realized that many couldn't afford the medical care or even have access to it, that I do. And this is both a blessing that I have access to it and that I am able to sympathize more with those who don't.
Is there some deeper meaning? I don't know. Can I heal myself of this? I doubt it. Does that mean I am not doing the healing properly? Probably. Is God still in control? Yes. He is my healer whether that be through medicine or meditation or instantaneous cure. I have had my moments where the pain gets the better of me. But for the most part, I am surprised at how calm I have been through this. I definitely want it over. I want to learn what I must from this and move on. But if I must wait, I am finding that I can, and not in anxiousness or anger. Just waiting.
I've been to two different doctors, done three antibiotics, tried OTC decongestants and pain killers. At best, they give a few hours of lessening, but no remedy. I had a CT scan that said it's a sinus infection, but I have none of the usual symptoms. In fact, my nasal allergies have completely disappeared. I feel great other than this nagging headache. I've got another appointment with a different specialist next week.
I've looked into self-healing. I believe this is possible. I've tried meditation, which can relieve the pain temporarily. I've tried the Unmodify method, to no avail. I'm constantly praying. And I've asked for prayer several times from others.
I don't know if this is a psychosomatic thing, or if there is really something wrong. No one who should know seems too worried about it, so I haven't been either. I started to be afraid of tumors or other weird illnesses until I realized that these would actually be a relief to me since I would be forced out of my complacency and may even face the end of my journey here. For me, this is a serious relief and something very hopeful. Knowing the end of my struggle was coming soon would be such a relief at long last. I have no desire for long life in this miserable dimension. I am merely serving my tour.
I also realized that this pain has kept me focused on God, kept me seeking him at every turn. I also realized that there are many who go through life with far worse pains for far longer. I have a new compassion for them. I also realized that many couldn't afford the medical care or even have access to it, that I do. And this is both a blessing that I have access to it and that I am able to sympathize more with those who don't.
Is there some deeper meaning? I don't know. Can I heal myself of this? I doubt it. Does that mean I am not doing the healing properly? Probably. Is God still in control? Yes. He is my healer whether that be through medicine or meditation or instantaneous cure. I have had my moments where the pain gets the better of me. But for the most part, I am surprised at how calm I have been through this. I definitely want it over. I want to learn what I must from this and move on. But if I must wait, I am finding that I can, and not in anxiousness or anger. Just waiting.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Linux Resolution
True to form, as soon as I finally publicly announced my frustration with Linux, a solution appeared. Not directly as a result of my announcement, but from an entirely different quarter altogether. Once again, proving that those who ask do receive in a Providential way tangled inseparably with the biochemical processes of the brain, etc.
So, how did this happen? Well, when stuck on any problem, it is wise to go back to the root, the last understandable portion and retry. So, I began thinking, about my approach. First, my problem was with the OS, i.e. Ubuntu or Mint. But that was built on Linux, and I was having trouble with the Linux commands...which are based in the Unix programming language. So, I searched for Unix guides and basic Linux guides apart from distributions, OS's, etc. Boom! There was exactly what I needed. The basic how-tos and instructions in the programming language and in how Linux works, etc. I still haven't figured out my problem with the wireless adapter, but I am not spinning helplessly among the jargon.
So armed with this new approach, I looked for more info on the way the OS's are built and what they support. Of course, they aren't built to support the adapter I have...now they tell me, right! But it can be patched to work if you understand the programming language properly. So it isn't a problem with the OS or the language at all. They both do what they were designed to do. It was a problem with my approach. Asking it to work in a way it wasn't designed to.
So that led me to take a fresh look at the OS itself. Would it connect to the internet through cable. No issue, right on. Would it download packages well, no problem. Was it easy to navigate and understand intuitively, yup. Today, I tried out the stuff Mint promised over Ubuntu. DVD's played right out of the box. CD's too. Software is great. The graphics and publishing stuff is similar to what I pay big bucks for at work.
Is it the answer to all the problems? no. Is it a valid option for getting out from under the thumb of microsoft and apple? I'm leaning strongly that way. Will I chuck out this Vista machine? No, of course not. But I might not buy another one. If Linux can make a computer last 10 more years (who even gets 10 years on a windows or mac), it will be worth the effort to reeducate myself.
And the moral? When stuck, step away, ask for help, and let it come. And of course don't forget that changing one's perspective, opinion, mind, etc. is a valid solution.
So, how did this happen? Well, when stuck on any problem, it is wise to go back to the root, the last understandable portion and retry. So, I began thinking, about my approach. First, my problem was with the OS, i.e. Ubuntu or Mint. But that was built on Linux, and I was having trouble with the Linux commands...which are based in the Unix programming language. So, I searched for Unix guides and basic Linux guides apart from distributions, OS's, etc. Boom! There was exactly what I needed. The basic how-tos and instructions in the programming language and in how Linux works, etc. I still haven't figured out my problem with the wireless adapter, but I am not spinning helplessly among the jargon.
So armed with this new approach, I looked for more info on the way the OS's are built and what they support. Of course, they aren't built to support the adapter I have...now they tell me, right! But it can be patched to work if you understand the programming language properly. So it isn't a problem with the OS or the language at all. They both do what they were designed to do. It was a problem with my approach. Asking it to work in a way it wasn't designed to.
So that led me to take a fresh look at the OS itself. Would it connect to the internet through cable. No issue, right on. Would it download packages well, no problem. Was it easy to navigate and understand intuitively, yup. Today, I tried out the stuff Mint promised over Ubuntu. DVD's played right out of the box. CD's too. Software is great. The graphics and publishing stuff is similar to what I pay big bucks for at work.
Is it the answer to all the problems? no. Is it a valid option for getting out from under the thumb of microsoft and apple? I'm leaning strongly that way. Will I chuck out this Vista machine? No, of course not. But I might not buy another one. If Linux can make a computer last 10 more years (who even gets 10 years on a windows or mac), it will be worth the effort to reeducate myself.
And the moral? When stuck, step away, ask for help, and let it come. And of course don't forget that changing one's perspective, opinion, mind, etc. is a valid solution.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
My latest Odyssey
I have an old laptop. It's too old and slow to run Windows anymore. Even web stuff is too slow. So, I got the idea a year or so ago to try out Linux. I'd heard rumors and occasional shouts from the tech world that this was a great option to get out from under Windows. Actually, my first encounter with it seriously was in a program to provide computers for education to children in the developing world. There is a rugged laptop constructed that uses little power, can be charged from a solar panel, and comes with a Linux based operating system designed just for the purpose. They give them away free.
So, I started looking into it and found that there are so many distributions. The world of Linux is complex. I quickly hit on Ubuntu and that seemed like a good option for a pretty much non-techie. I mean, I'm super proficient with standard software and Windows, but only know enough about the real workings of a computer to be dangerous. And I don't particularly enjoy working on that kind of thing. But my DIY ethic runs deep and a chance to make this thing work without corporate invasion was too tempting.
So I made the leap. There was nothing to lose, the thing was pretty much a paperweight with Windows anyway. Ubuntu worked great for the most part. That was back in the 6 or 7 distro. I loved the applications and the compatibility, and my laptop had a new lease on life.
Then came the problems. I only had one internet connection in the house. So, I couldn't update or download packages for Ubuntu. I found a little thing called Keryx that let you download stuff on Windows and flash stick it over to Ubuntu. But it was real tempermental and required a good knowledge of Terminal and working in code. So I didn't really worry about it. I figured when I got a home network, I'd sort it out.
Then I wanted to connect the laptop to my new Digital TV so I could watch downloads, etc on the big screen. And that was where it all came apart. Where Windows was a simple, plug it in and make it work, Ubuntu was weeks of sorting through complicated forums of semi-repetitious threads that usually went something like this:
"I'm new and I need help with my dual monitors"
"Tell us more"
"I have a Quank 340 with a Whosie processor on a 32 bit tortrat."
"Oh, that's easy! Go to Terminal and type lkkhjiusdbnfkwje
that should produce a grlthjlwjkehnkmsdf. Then you write:
asdf\
trjfnsdf
bjke4898f
dfjerktj
fdlkjsdftk
fjtjtuis
gfnjjr
jkshrtk
jkllkejrtkhuwejkrhkshdfbhejrgyu47477888dftghjv hhyfdg00-0---- nsdtkjhwerhwjyerjkbs
werthjwejkfrhskdjhfkjhwerkuthsdvnn dfg
and that should do it."
"Great that worked out perfectly, thank you so much techie wizards!"
And I had no idea what was said. I know it's some sort of status symbol to know all the tech speak, and I get it, you were picked on as kids, so now you've got the upper hand. But if you actually want people to be able to learn the system, and to expand the use of Linux, you have to have somewhere, anywhere, that SPEAKS BLOODY ENGLISH!
Occasionally I'd find a frustrated post to that affect too, presumably before the person went out and bought a new Windows computer.
But I wasn't going to give up yet. That's just the guards at the entrance to the valley of discovery trying to scare me away. I ran into it in the bike world too. So I dug and scrounged and tried for weeks to make it work. I even consulted friends who I thought might know more, but many techie friends weren't into Linux for the same reasons I'm discussing.
In the end, I was given a windows computer by a friend which I easily set up on the TV and networked to the internet, then built a new housing out of oak, so it matches the furniture (but that's another story) and the laptop was given to my young son to play with, since it worked for his purposes and he was just beginning to learn how computers work.
All was well until I happened to pop into a discount computer store last week and see that refurbished usb wireless adapters were SUPER cheap. A whole shelf full under $10 each. I talked to the sales guy and walked out with one. Of course, I couldn't get it to work with Ubuntu. I tried for a good long time. More forums, etc. So I thought I'd just throw Windows back on there and maybe it'd work as a web terminal for my son who had discovered the internet since the first Linux episode.
That install went well except that the wireless adapter would only work with XP Service Pack 2 or higher. And I couldn't download that because I couldn't get the thing on the internet without the adapter! So I had the idea that network admin people usually have all kinds of stuff like that on flash drives. So I tried to find that download and found several. After a lengthy wait period, I tried them to discover that the file was corrupt. I did this three times.
So on the second full day into this, I tried to wire the laptop through the wireless router via an extra jack. That worked, and I got SP2 on it. The Adapter drivers went on no problem, and the thing was on the internet. But then I needed virus software and went for AVG, which is good. But on that laptop, it made things slower. So then I went for spyware and that bogged it down to the point that I couldn't open anything more than Google and couldn't even have two applications running at once. Windows just wasn't going to work.
So, I downloaded the newest version of Ubuntu, 10.4. The ads promised that it cured all, well most, of the ills everyone knew about Ubuntu. Maybe it did. But those weren't the ills I was having, so back to the forums I went. Now on full day 4, I wired it to the router and boom, it went right on. But the stupid thing has known issues with this particular usb adapter driver. I tried Windows drivers using special cross over aps, I tried using Terminal and couldn't figure out all the techie jargon enough to even know what I was doing. Oh things were happening, but I had no idea what, and when they were done, still no wireless.
I even tried to go back to basics and spent several hours reading primers on Linux, which were only slightly better than the forums. Instead of lines of indecipherable code, I got things like,
"Linux is based on Unix. It was developed as a freeb and gzorndens really seem to fit flabberwidgets much better so after many years the community developed housits to sit on the wobnockers and then someone came up with a windows style GUI." Then it went into more lines of code that actually defined the commands, but DIDN'T define the terms in the DEFINITIONS. So I guess that would all make sense if I had a degree in computer science...in which case I probably wouldn't need the stupid primer anyway! Good God! If I talked that way to people about my field, they'd run me out on a rail! Are there no Interpreters in the IT world who can bring a concept to another audience?! It's either, "this is called a mouse...can you say mouse?" or indecipherable gibberish.
So in desperation, I went back to the all-seeing oracle otherwise known as Google and started asking those kind of questions. (It really is all there, you just have to know how to ask for it.) Pretty quick I hit up on a whole group of people who have said the same things. People who happen to be Techies. I even found some who are Linux proponents. And that brings us to today, where I sit downloading Mint, which promises to be Ubuntu (which is supposed to be Linux for the rest of us) that actually IS for the rest of us: clean forums, all drivers out of the box, etc. It's Irish, and I'm hopeful that the Irish good folk common sense and poignant cut-the-crap attitude will make this what I need. C'mon Ireland, a distant son needs your help!
I'll let you know how it goes.
So, I started looking into it and found that there are so many distributions. The world of Linux is complex. I quickly hit on Ubuntu and that seemed like a good option for a pretty much non-techie. I mean, I'm super proficient with standard software and Windows, but only know enough about the real workings of a computer to be dangerous. And I don't particularly enjoy working on that kind of thing. But my DIY ethic runs deep and a chance to make this thing work without corporate invasion was too tempting.
So I made the leap. There was nothing to lose, the thing was pretty much a paperweight with Windows anyway. Ubuntu worked great for the most part. That was back in the 6 or 7 distro. I loved the applications and the compatibility, and my laptop had a new lease on life.
Then came the problems. I only had one internet connection in the house. So, I couldn't update or download packages for Ubuntu. I found a little thing called Keryx that let you download stuff on Windows and flash stick it over to Ubuntu. But it was real tempermental and required a good knowledge of Terminal and working in code. So I didn't really worry about it. I figured when I got a home network, I'd sort it out.
Then I wanted to connect the laptop to my new Digital TV so I could watch downloads, etc on the big screen. And that was where it all came apart. Where Windows was a simple, plug it in and make it work, Ubuntu was weeks of sorting through complicated forums of semi-repetitious threads that usually went something like this:
"I'm new and I need help with my dual monitors"
"Tell us more"
"I have a Quank 340 with a Whosie processor on a 32 bit tortrat."
"Oh, that's easy! Go to Terminal and type lkkhjiusdbnfkwje
that should produce a grlthjlwjkehnkmsdf. Then you write:
asdf\
trjfnsdf
bjke4898f
dfjerktj
fdlkjsdftk
fjtjtuis
gfnjjr
jkshrtk
jkllkejrtkhuwejkrhkshdfbhejrgyu47477888dftghjv hhyfdg00-0---- nsdtkjhwerhwjyerjkbs
werthjwejkfrhskdjhfkjhwerkuthsdvnn dfg
and that should do it."
"Great that worked out perfectly, thank you so much techie wizards!"
And I had no idea what was said. I know it's some sort of status symbol to know all the tech speak, and I get it, you were picked on as kids, so now you've got the upper hand. But if you actually want people to be able to learn the system, and to expand the use of Linux, you have to have somewhere, anywhere, that SPEAKS BLOODY ENGLISH!
Occasionally I'd find a frustrated post to that affect too, presumably before the person went out and bought a new Windows computer.
But I wasn't going to give up yet. That's just the guards at the entrance to the valley of discovery trying to scare me away. I ran into it in the bike world too. So I dug and scrounged and tried for weeks to make it work. I even consulted friends who I thought might know more, but many techie friends weren't into Linux for the same reasons I'm discussing.
In the end, I was given a windows computer by a friend which I easily set up on the TV and networked to the internet, then built a new housing out of oak, so it matches the furniture (but that's another story) and the laptop was given to my young son to play with, since it worked for his purposes and he was just beginning to learn how computers work.
All was well until I happened to pop into a discount computer store last week and see that refurbished usb wireless adapters were SUPER cheap. A whole shelf full under $10 each. I talked to the sales guy and walked out with one. Of course, I couldn't get it to work with Ubuntu. I tried for a good long time. More forums, etc. So I thought I'd just throw Windows back on there and maybe it'd work as a web terminal for my son who had discovered the internet since the first Linux episode.
That install went well except that the wireless adapter would only work with XP Service Pack 2 or higher. And I couldn't download that because I couldn't get the thing on the internet without the adapter! So I had the idea that network admin people usually have all kinds of stuff like that on flash drives. So I tried to find that download and found several. After a lengthy wait period, I tried them to discover that the file was corrupt. I did this three times.
So on the second full day into this, I tried to wire the laptop through the wireless router via an extra jack. That worked, and I got SP2 on it. The Adapter drivers went on no problem, and the thing was on the internet. But then I needed virus software and went for AVG, which is good. But on that laptop, it made things slower. So then I went for spyware and that bogged it down to the point that I couldn't open anything more than Google and couldn't even have two applications running at once. Windows just wasn't going to work.
So, I downloaded the newest version of Ubuntu, 10.4. The ads promised that it cured all, well most, of the ills everyone knew about Ubuntu. Maybe it did. But those weren't the ills I was having, so back to the forums I went. Now on full day 4, I wired it to the router and boom, it went right on. But the stupid thing has known issues with this particular usb adapter driver. I tried Windows drivers using special cross over aps, I tried using Terminal and couldn't figure out all the techie jargon enough to even know what I was doing. Oh things were happening, but I had no idea what, and when they were done, still no wireless.
I even tried to go back to basics and spent several hours reading primers on Linux, which were only slightly better than the forums. Instead of lines of indecipherable code, I got things like,
"Linux is based on Unix. It was developed as a freeb and gzorndens really seem to fit flabberwidgets much better so after many years the community developed housits to sit on the wobnockers and then someone came up with a windows style GUI." Then it went into more lines of code that actually defined the commands, but DIDN'T define the terms in the DEFINITIONS. So I guess that would all make sense if I had a degree in computer science...in which case I probably wouldn't need the stupid primer anyway! Good God! If I talked that way to people about my field, they'd run me out on a rail! Are there no Interpreters in the IT world who can bring a concept to another audience?! It's either, "this is called a mouse...can you say mouse?" or indecipherable gibberish.
So in desperation, I went back to the all-seeing oracle otherwise known as Google and started asking those kind of questions. (It really is all there, you just have to know how to ask for it.) Pretty quick I hit up on a whole group of people who have said the same things. People who happen to be Techies. I even found some who are Linux proponents. And that brings us to today, where I sit downloading Mint, which promises to be Ubuntu (which is supposed to be Linux for the rest of us) that actually IS for the rest of us: clean forums, all drivers out of the box, etc. It's Irish, and I'm hopeful that the Irish good folk common sense and poignant cut-the-crap attitude will make this what I need. C'mon Ireland, a distant son needs your help!
I'll let you know how it goes.
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