Sometimes I have nothing to say. I go through cycles. But for once I have tons of things to say and can't find words for them.
Suffice to say, the life God has for me is opening up and it is overwhelmingly more than what I would dream of. I mean this in very literal ways. This is why it is hard to put into words in a general context. There is nothing general about it and I can't possibly explain the intimate and complex details that surround it.
Perhaps the Via Negativa would help. So I will say what it is not. It is not in my head. It is not philosophical, affecting no real change in the material world. It is not tied to the institutions we call church...
...Here is what I would say and the ones about whom it is written can understand it for themselves. You are beautiful. You are so loved. God has seen you. He has not even once forgotten you. I don't know the reasons for the circumstances in your life. I am just a Sheep Dog who barely understands the Shepherd's language. But I see what he has done for you. I see how the universe has been ordered for your specific good. I see you as he sees you. You are stunning and powerful beyond compare. My love for you is not rooted in pity nor charity, nor brotherly affection. It is as beyond me as every good thing I have ever done. To be near you, to guard, aid, serve, you is an honor and a pleasure. I am elated that you would call me friend. You have only to make a need known and I will be about meeting it with whatever is within my power. I don't even know what that is. But I have been charged with doing it and the resources and methods will be provided. This is not an idle promise, as I hope you now see. All that has been given to me is from God and for his purposes. I hold it lightly and in common with you.
And I truly enjoy your company, your humor, your presence. I want to be around you because I like you. It is good for me too. I am better for having known you. In one sense, because doing what we are made for is fulfilling, but more so because you inspire me, comfort me, encourage me even if you don't know it.
In short, I love you. And while nothing I can say will prove it or guarantee any moment into the future, it is true as true and every moment that I am there demonstrates it to be so.
This is the life we were called to live. This tribal, close, familial life. Thank you for having me into yours. Together things will only get better. I know it because God has shown me the ending. Let's walk toward it together.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Down and Down
This rabbit hole seems unending. It's very difficult to right oneself when everything is moving. As soon as I seem to become oriented, I realize that I haven't actually hit the bottom yet. Perhaps it only feels that I've righted because everything around me is falling at the same rate for a bit. But pretty soon it all lists oddly in the air and disorientation ensues.
I have long believed that we could only find what we need in God. I have even come to know it through many circumstances that have forced me to rely only on Him alone. He's even shown me that He will not only keep his word to provide, but does so quite literally "exceedingly, abundantly more" than I could, would, or even ask. I have even begun to live in this confidence in a real way.
But no sooner do I realize I have progressed than a chair tilts and the rug flutters and the whole room disengages in the freefall. I guess I should just stop arranging the furniture.
But that's just it: I don't intend to arrange anything. I just find a chair nearby and decide to pull it under me because falling is tiring. And then a glass of water floats by and I'm kind of thirsty. But then a table floats up and I conveniently place the glass on it, snatch the lamp from the air for some better lighting, and before you know it, there's another falling room.
Even though I've been learning all these things I recently realized there was yet another level to it all and I was finding validation in something other than God. It was innocent enough but sinuous and sneaky nonetheless. You see, in doing the things God has for me to do, I become first agitated and then irritated and approaching angry when people don't allow it. Not because I want what I want, but because I see how this or that person could so benefit but won't. It's like delivering a really great present to someone from a rich relative. I know what's in the box and know how perfect it is for them. I've even got a similar one from this same relative. But they won't open it. I tell them how great it is and they still just sit it in the corner. So I tell them what's in it and they smile and ohh about it, but say they'll get to it. And this can go on far more than you would imagine. It would be easier if they openly rejected it, but to keep piling up unopened presents is pert near insane to me.
So I go back to God confused and uncertain. Did I screw up? Did I miss something? And that's when I realized recently that I am finding validation in helping others, even anonymously. I am hinging my joy on other's actions...on their acceptance of these gifts...on their good. Rather, I should be secure and stable enough in God's dealings with me that others' actions, even actions toward God, do not create anxiety in me. And there goes the room again.
I have to come to fully trust God to meet their needs as he meets mine. My eagerness for their good, my sadness at their pain is not to go away, but to be absorbed in God's full provision for us all. And this is something I truly do not know how to do. I can't even imagine how I could be content having the power to ease loved ones' burdens and not being allowed to do so. Which means I will as usual, have to totally rely on God to do it.
I have long believed that we could only find what we need in God. I have even come to know it through many circumstances that have forced me to rely only on Him alone. He's even shown me that He will not only keep his word to provide, but does so quite literally "exceedingly, abundantly more" than I could, would, or even ask. I have even begun to live in this confidence in a real way.
But no sooner do I realize I have progressed than a chair tilts and the rug flutters and the whole room disengages in the freefall. I guess I should just stop arranging the furniture.
But that's just it: I don't intend to arrange anything. I just find a chair nearby and decide to pull it under me because falling is tiring. And then a glass of water floats by and I'm kind of thirsty. But then a table floats up and I conveniently place the glass on it, snatch the lamp from the air for some better lighting, and before you know it, there's another falling room.
Even though I've been learning all these things I recently realized there was yet another level to it all and I was finding validation in something other than God. It was innocent enough but sinuous and sneaky nonetheless. You see, in doing the things God has for me to do, I become first agitated and then irritated and approaching angry when people don't allow it. Not because I want what I want, but because I see how this or that person could so benefit but won't. It's like delivering a really great present to someone from a rich relative. I know what's in the box and know how perfect it is for them. I've even got a similar one from this same relative. But they won't open it. I tell them how great it is and they still just sit it in the corner. So I tell them what's in it and they smile and ohh about it, but say they'll get to it. And this can go on far more than you would imagine. It would be easier if they openly rejected it, but to keep piling up unopened presents is pert near insane to me.
So I go back to God confused and uncertain. Did I screw up? Did I miss something? And that's when I realized recently that I am finding validation in helping others, even anonymously. I am hinging my joy on other's actions...on their acceptance of these gifts...on their good. Rather, I should be secure and stable enough in God's dealings with me that others' actions, even actions toward God, do not create anxiety in me. And there goes the room again.
I have to come to fully trust God to meet their needs as he meets mine. My eagerness for their good, my sadness at their pain is not to go away, but to be absorbed in God's full provision for us all. And this is something I truly do not know how to do. I can't even imagine how I could be content having the power to ease loved ones' burdens and not being allowed to do so. Which means I will as usual, have to totally rely on God to do it.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Answer
Today I've been surrounded by awareness of God's presence. I don't know why. I'm aware of what He's saying and feeling toward me more than usual. This morning He impressed upon me that someone was praying for something and that I was the answer.
No, not that I, particularly, was an answer to someone's prayers in the cocky sense. But quite the opposite. It is tremendously humbling to think that someone has cried out to God to provide something they need desperately and that in answer, He sends me.
I don't know if this refers to something that has already happened, something that will happen, or just a parable-like lesson. Maybe it's a combination of them all. But I am honored and humbled. I know my own flaws. I know my own inadequacies. I also know that I asked God to use me, to send me where He will. I figured I'd be part of something or more likely a voice in the wilderness declaring God's message. But to think that I, messed up and willfully rebellious, am the medium of God's answer to someone's cry from their heart. It's so personal and tender I can barely allow myself to process it. I'm trembling and crying as I type this. I don't deserve to do it. How can I represent God in the flesh? How can these hands and this tongue convey a fraction of His love. It's so far beyond me.
I know I am nothing more than the vessel. What good comes from me is not me, but the Spirit Lord in me. So logically, I know I can do this. But I don't even feel capable of conducting this kind of power.
I will go, though. I will do it. Maybe I am, or already have. Good God! Thank you for using me.
No, not that I, particularly, was an answer to someone's prayers in the cocky sense. But quite the opposite. It is tremendously humbling to think that someone has cried out to God to provide something they need desperately and that in answer, He sends me.
I don't know if this refers to something that has already happened, something that will happen, or just a parable-like lesson. Maybe it's a combination of them all. But I am honored and humbled. I know my own flaws. I know my own inadequacies. I also know that I asked God to use me, to send me where He will. I figured I'd be part of something or more likely a voice in the wilderness declaring God's message. But to think that I, messed up and willfully rebellious, am the medium of God's answer to someone's cry from their heart. It's so personal and tender I can barely allow myself to process it. I'm trembling and crying as I type this. I don't deserve to do it. How can I represent God in the flesh? How can these hands and this tongue convey a fraction of His love. It's so far beyond me.
I know I am nothing more than the vessel. What good comes from me is not me, but the Spirit Lord in me. So logically, I know I can do this. But I don't even feel capable of conducting this kind of power.
I will go, though. I will do it. Maybe I am, or already have. Good God! Thank you for using me.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Aha!
A while ago I mentioned briefly this feeling I've had at times in churches when I try to let go. There's two reactions: uncontrollable crying and desire to tear the place up. This happens when I try to open up to God in the service. Not every time, but a lot of the time. See usually, I sit quietly, but feel a bit like I have to strap myself in the seat...restrain myself you could say. So I have various techniques for doing it. Over the years they've become habitual and I don't really think about them that much. This lets me get through the service without making some kind of scene. But when I decide to see if God is doing something; open myself up to whatever He has in that moment. These are often the reactions I get. I have never known why.
In the last post that mentioned it, I ended up going off in another direction and never explored it. But then today, I tried again as I watched all these people doing similar behaviors, one arm raised, head to the side, swaying to the music, hands clutched to chest, etc. I was thinking, is this just mimicry picked up from watching others and assuming that's what it looks like to have a spiritual experience of worship, or is it something universally real that I am missing? So I opened myself and asked God to tell me what He was doing. I felt the old desire to tear the place up! So I quickly shut it down...but not before the thought hit me in connection with a recent Facebook post I made which quoted a modern adaptation of Isaiah 1:11-17. I had posted it after reading it because it affected me so dramatically at the moment. This connection was fleeting, but lingered long enough to make me question...am I really connecting with God's heart here?
Is my desire to tear up the place coming from His sorrow and frustration at the facade of religion that obscures who He is? This is not unfounded. Jesus tore up the temple courts in Jerusalem for the same reason. There are many verses in the Bible where God expresses his displeasure at this very thing and the destruction it would cause. Could the tears also be the other side of that coin? Anger is just an expression of hurt, as is sorrow. We feel both at the same time on many occasions. Since our image is God's it follows that He feels it the same way.
So I delved a little deeper into that feeling and discovered that there isn't any malice in it. I don't want to hurt people; I don't even have any ill will. I just want to tear out the facade. So I thought, what would I say if I did it? This is what I discovered:
I would charge the stage, take the mic and as I set about tearing apart the decorations and apparati, I'd ask everyone if God was real to them. Is He really real to them? Is this all they expect? Wake up and for once follow their hearts fully! Let's see God really show up then and there! I'd jump across the rows of chairs toward any person who responded, climb the light fixtures and rafters and bring the place into chaos.
No doubt most people would be terrified and I'd probably be tackled and drug out screaming...but if God did show up, there would be a moment like Pentacost...the real deal, not the equally fakey occurrences that happen weekly amongst groups of the pentacostal bent.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever longed for something so real and hated the falsity of anything less? Have you felt things inside you that you aren't sure where they come from? If so, don't settle. You're not alone and perhaps even less alone than you think.
In the last post that mentioned it, I ended up going off in another direction and never explored it. But then today, I tried again as I watched all these people doing similar behaviors, one arm raised, head to the side, swaying to the music, hands clutched to chest, etc. I was thinking, is this just mimicry picked up from watching others and assuming that's what it looks like to have a spiritual experience of worship, or is it something universally real that I am missing? So I opened myself and asked God to tell me what He was doing. I felt the old desire to tear the place up! So I quickly shut it down...but not before the thought hit me in connection with a recent Facebook post I made which quoted a modern adaptation of Isaiah 1:11-17. I had posted it after reading it because it affected me so dramatically at the moment. This connection was fleeting, but lingered long enough to make me question...am I really connecting with God's heart here?
Is my desire to tear up the place coming from His sorrow and frustration at the facade of religion that obscures who He is? This is not unfounded. Jesus tore up the temple courts in Jerusalem for the same reason. There are many verses in the Bible where God expresses his displeasure at this very thing and the destruction it would cause. Could the tears also be the other side of that coin? Anger is just an expression of hurt, as is sorrow. We feel both at the same time on many occasions. Since our image is God's it follows that He feels it the same way.
So I delved a little deeper into that feeling and discovered that there isn't any malice in it. I don't want to hurt people; I don't even have any ill will. I just want to tear out the facade. So I thought, what would I say if I did it? This is what I discovered:
I would charge the stage, take the mic and as I set about tearing apart the decorations and apparati, I'd ask everyone if God was real to them. Is He really real to them? Is this all they expect? Wake up and for once follow their hearts fully! Let's see God really show up then and there! I'd jump across the rows of chairs toward any person who responded, climb the light fixtures and rafters and bring the place into chaos.
No doubt most people would be terrified and I'd probably be tackled and drug out screaming...but if God did show up, there would be a moment like Pentacost...the real deal, not the equally fakey occurrences that happen weekly amongst groups of the pentacostal bent.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever longed for something so real and hated the falsity of anything less? Have you felt things inside you that you aren't sure where they come from? If so, don't settle. You're not alone and perhaps even less alone than you think.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Deep Cuts
I feel like something is happening deep inside me. My perceptions are changing, my reactions too. Emotions surface at strange times and in strange ways. It's almost like someone is rooting around deep inside and trying to sort things out. Which may very well be what is happening. Sometimes what comes up is not pleasant. Mostly it isn't I guess. Things I never even new about myself will just pop up from deep down and I am taken aback.
Also pains will surface in ways and about things I didn't even know hurt me. I'm finding that I often react in anger to what is truly a fear. I've seen this before in people and I don't think it's that odd. But I never knew I was doing it.
It isn't all bad. Sometimes great joys surface and I find a very unshakable peace and confidence in many things. But just as quickly a new circumstance or stray comment or sometimes just out of nowhere, I'll be hit with something else.
Last night I was restless again...which has occurred for the past few nights. It's partly some things I understand: physical, circumstantial, manageable. But then last night it just wouldn't quit. I kept calling out to God in my dreams. I could see Jesus standing a distance away but couldn't keep my focus on him. Then I'd slip into another fitful dream. Then this morning as dawn came I woke enough to prayed verbally about some things that were on my mind. Then I started crying and couldn't stop for about an hour. Then it was over. I'm not even sure what it was that upset me other than it felt like I had my heart uprooted all night.
I can only imagine how much more intense this must have been for Jesus when he was living on this earth. He has been described by third party historians as somber and quiet. No doubt looking at the world from God's perspective has great joys, but also many pains as he saw the hardness of hearts and confusion of minds. The general lostness of the all those around him. I'm having enough trouble being confronted with my own and the occasional glance into those he places close to me.
Also pains will surface in ways and about things I didn't even know hurt me. I'm finding that I often react in anger to what is truly a fear. I've seen this before in people and I don't think it's that odd. But I never knew I was doing it.
It isn't all bad. Sometimes great joys surface and I find a very unshakable peace and confidence in many things. But just as quickly a new circumstance or stray comment or sometimes just out of nowhere, I'll be hit with something else.
Last night I was restless again...which has occurred for the past few nights. It's partly some things I understand: physical, circumstantial, manageable. But then last night it just wouldn't quit. I kept calling out to God in my dreams. I could see Jesus standing a distance away but couldn't keep my focus on him. Then I'd slip into another fitful dream. Then this morning as dawn came I woke enough to prayed verbally about some things that were on my mind. Then I started crying and couldn't stop for about an hour. Then it was over. I'm not even sure what it was that upset me other than it felt like I had my heart uprooted all night.
I can only imagine how much more intense this must have been for Jesus when he was living on this earth. He has been described by third party historians as somber and quiet. No doubt looking at the world from God's perspective has great joys, but also many pains as he saw the hardness of hearts and confusion of minds. The general lostness of the all those around him. I'm having enough trouble being confronted with my own and the occasional glance into those he places close to me.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Expansion
I am so blessed. This is a phrase that is hard to say with any real meaning since it is so cleche. But I refuse to let it be stolen from all usage. I am blessed. My household is expanding. Even as I shed the last vestiges of the American Dream. Prayers are being answered. God is meeting my needs in very real and close personal ways. This is also cleche, but I'm beginning to understand it.
My family has expanded and improved...been touched by glory, even. My wife is more beautiful to me than ever before. More desirable and more satisfying. I mean that. She is a total package of internal and external beauty. I find myself staring at her and even notice that the intentionally titillating stuff on TV and movies has no real appeal to me compared to her. I'm not making this up. I'm human and do not lie that I have been attracted by this kind of thing. But recently, I find it holds nothing for me compared to her.
My son is growing and learning to adapt to his new life. I've always had a hard time connecting with him, but I think we are making progress there. He might finally be learning to see the real goals of my training and discipline. And I am ready to be more honest with him about it. I never thought much good could come from hiding things, even small things like why we tell him to do certain things, or how we budget our money, etc. And I think he is responding.
I have a beautiful goddaughter whom I love dearly. She is not merely the kid that I stood next to in some ceremony. She was imprinted on my heart by God himself. She is truly beautiful, as she begins to grow up and I can see that she will be a stunning picture of physical beauty, but her heart is tender and sweet. she thinks often of others first and will be a model for what God intends for a woman to be. She is beginning to trust this relationship and see her own real value beyond the cheesy self-esteem stuff. She is lovely and lovable and she is learning how to live in that.
Her mom is starting to accept us as family as well. We are learning to communicate and help each other in real ways and my hope is that this will continue to grow into an increasingly permanent bond of family.
And lastly, we just recently became godparents to her other daughter! A brilliantly smart and beautiful teenager who quickly understands situations in a very insightful way. She is equally modest about her successes and strengths. Which is so appealing in this age of boasting and self-aggrandizing. She is physically and emotionally beautiful and so smart, making for a very appealing woman. My hope is that she will come to understand her value as her sister is learning to.
She was recently added to our family because God started to point her out to us. We have loved her for a long time now, but finally the time was right to ask her if we could be her family and she was so happy. As am I. I have long believed that family is found more in the intentional relation of people than in any other form. The saying is only part true. Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is the strongest bond of all. I have also long felt a hole in myself that bit by bit, I learned was cut for this very thing.
I don't know how long things last. I'm sure trials and troubles will come again. But I also feel confident that I am not in the same place I was before. God has raised me up. He has expanded my territory. Not just my family, but my work, my friends, my finances, my health, everything is now bearing a light of power and glory. I know that whatever comes, I shall not be forsaken and my God is my strength and my hope. I hope my reach as Legatus Regni continues to expand to reveal God's glory in this world. And regardless of that, I will stand by those God has given me as long as I live.
To them I say that they have nothing to fear. God has answered their prayers. They may not see it or know it yet. But I am just the advance runner bringing news of what is to come. Just wait and see. And I will be there with you and for you all through everything to come. This is not my promise. This is God's promise to you. I am made for this, so it is pure joy and fulfilment for me to be this gift to you. In short, I love you.
My family has expanded and improved...been touched by glory, even. My wife is more beautiful to me than ever before. More desirable and more satisfying. I mean that. She is a total package of internal and external beauty. I find myself staring at her and even notice that the intentionally titillating stuff on TV and movies has no real appeal to me compared to her. I'm not making this up. I'm human and do not lie that I have been attracted by this kind of thing. But recently, I find it holds nothing for me compared to her.
My son is growing and learning to adapt to his new life. I've always had a hard time connecting with him, but I think we are making progress there. He might finally be learning to see the real goals of my training and discipline. And I am ready to be more honest with him about it. I never thought much good could come from hiding things, even small things like why we tell him to do certain things, or how we budget our money, etc. And I think he is responding.
I have a beautiful goddaughter whom I love dearly. She is not merely the kid that I stood next to in some ceremony. She was imprinted on my heart by God himself. She is truly beautiful, as she begins to grow up and I can see that she will be a stunning picture of physical beauty, but her heart is tender and sweet. she thinks often of others first and will be a model for what God intends for a woman to be. She is beginning to trust this relationship and see her own real value beyond the cheesy self-esteem stuff. She is lovely and lovable and she is learning how to live in that.
Her mom is starting to accept us as family as well. We are learning to communicate and help each other in real ways and my hope is that this will continue to grow into an increasingly permanent bond of family.
And lastly, we just recently became godparents to her other daughter! A brilliantly smart and beautiful teenager who quickly understands situations in a very insightful way. She is equally modest about her successes and strengths. Which is so appealing in this age of boasting and self-aggrandizing. She is physically and emotionally beautiful and so smart, making for a very appealing woman. My hope is that she will come to understand her value as her sister is learning to.
She was recently added to our family because God started to point her out to us. We have loved her for a long time now, but finally the time was right to ask her if we could be her family and she was so happy. As am I. I have long believed that family is found more in the intentional relation of people than in any other form. The saying is only part true. Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is the strongest bond of all. I have also long felt a hole in myself that bit by bit, I learned was cut for this very thing.
I don't know how long things last. I'm sure trials and troubles will come again. But I also feel confident that I am not in the same place I was before. God has raised me up. He has expanded my territory. Not just my family, but my work, my friends, my finances, my health, everything is now bearing a light of power and glory. I know that whatever comes, I shall not be forsaken and my God is my strength and my hope. I hope my reach as Legatus Regni continues to expand to reveal God's glory in this world. And regardless of that, I will stand by those God has given me as long as I live.
To them I say that they have nothing to fear. God has answered their prayers. They may not see it or know it yet. But I am just the advance runner bringing news of what is to come. Just wait and see. And I will be there with you and for you all through everything to come. This is not my promise. This is God's promise to you. I am made for this, so it is pure joy and fulfilment for me to be this gift to you. In short, I love you.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Capitalized
Our minds are not as secure as we like to think. No...I will phrase that personally since I don't know anything about anyone else's mind. My mind is not as secure as I like to think. It doesn't help to live with someone who has an uncanny and reproducible ESP. But that isn't what I mean either.
I mean the ability for Satan (yes I wrote it finally) to use my mind against me. I'm sure there is a deep sanctuary somewhere that no but me and God have access to...perhaps a place even I don't have access to. But then there are the surface activities of my mind which are only slightly less public than spoken words. These are the thoughts that are available to ESPers and other beings with the appropriate senses to perceive them.
But this is a given for me. What brought me to this blog entry is the recent occurrence of very good objects of my thoughts being capitalized upon to make me miserable. Of course I could just be doing this to myself, but there is no way to tell the difference so it really doesn't matter. The fact is things which I care about are easy prey for my fears. It doesn't take much to turn a beautiful thing into a misery of anxiety. I have been facing this all week.
I am hoping to stop it now. Just by recognizing it for what it is and refusing to be victim to it, I can gain ground. I also have to focus on what is true and what is outside of my mind. Inside is a terrible mine field of shifting unrealities. I must focus on that which is not me. That which exists whether I will it, know it, or understand it.
This is a great value in the structure of Christianity. So many other religions focus inward. But I know God as other, as beyond. His most vivid revelation of himself was not in me, but in the physical world. If it was in me, how could I be sure it was real? No, I will recount facts and will trust in Him who is not me, who is other than me, yet permeates me as well. I need to hear the voice of the real to see things as they are and to trust Him for what I can't see. The alternative is to forever have my joys and victories usurped and capitalized upon for my undoing.
No more.
I mean the ability for Satan (yes I wrote it finally) to use my mind against me. I'm sure there is a deep sanctuary somewhere that no but me and God have access to...perhaps a place even I don't have access to. But then there are the surface activities of my mind which are only slightly less public than spoken words. These are the thoughts that are available to ESPers and other beings with the appropriate senses to perceive them.
But this is a given for me. What brought me to this blog entry is the recent occurrence of very good objects of my thoughts being capitalized upon to make me miserable. Of course I could just be doing this to myself, but there is no way to tell the difference so it really doesn't matter. The fact is things which I care about are easy prey for my fears. It doesn't take much to turn a beautiful thing into a misery of anxiety. I have been facing this all week.
I am hoping to stop it now. Just by recognizing it for what it is and refusing to be victim to it, I can gain ground. I also have to focus on what is true and what is outside of my mind. Inside is a terrible mine field of shifting unrealities. I must focus on that which is not me. That which exists whether I will it, know it, or understand it.
This is a great value in the structure of Christianity. So many other religions focus inward. But I know God as other, as beyond. His most vivid revelation of himself was not in me, but in the physical world. If it was in me, how could I be sure it was real? No, I will recount facts and will trust in Him who is not me, who is other than me, yet permeates me as well. I need to hear the voice of the real to see things as they are and to trust Him for what I can't see. The alternative is to forever have my joys and victories usurped and capitalized upon for my undoing.
No more.
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