Endless walls

This week I tackled a huge renovation. Replacing a bathtub. It's the last major interior renovation we need to do in my house. I've never done a bathtub and I hate tackling any major project without knowing what to do.

Every step of the way we've moved a little and ground to a halt as we puzzled over how to make the next step. First the tub drain broke off in the tub, pinning it to the ground. Then the tub wouldn't come out. Then the drain wouldn't match the new one. Then the tub spout needed to be moved. Then the surround wouldn't fit. Now the valve needs to be moved as well. It's a major train wreck that I can't solve except by moving forward. I feel like I've been chipping through brick walls only to find another wall 4 feet beyond, and another, and another. I hate it. I'm mentally exhausted.

For every problem there is usually a simple and elegant solution. Especially in the trades. The problem is, those tricks are often carefully guarded. They certainly aren't publicized. You really have to dig to find them out. I ought to be used to this though. It seems the same with everything I try to learn myself. Bikes, boats, computers. Why are these things so difficult to learn? No not to learn, but to find useful information on. To find teachers and help. Even the products don't contain the info you need to install them, or to even know if that is the right product. The crucial issue with a tub after size, is where the drain is located, yet none of the tubs I looked at said at all where it was positioned other than 'right' or 'left'.

I've talked to several people about tubs and they all say the same thing, "Yup, s'hard. I hated doin' it." But that is not helpful at all. You know what would be? Something more like this, "yeah, those are a pain, here's what I learned..." or "Watch out for this or that." Today a plumber that I had to call in gave me a simple and easy solution for a problem I had three days ago! I was looking for that and found not one reference to it! Instead I beat at it like a raging gorilla until it gave in!

Once I get done with this endless, vastly more difficult and expensive project, you can bet that I will be far more expressive about the challenges, tips, and pitfalls if anyone mentions it to me.

Formidable Joy

At the heart of Contemplation is an openness to the Truth present in all circumstances. But we aren't always aware of it. An awareness often forces its way in on a Contemplative's thoughts like a wave crashing over him. You get used to it.

Today I was listening to The Big Roar by the Joy Formidable, a great band from Wales. The sound is rich and symphonic; the lyrics are deeply poetic. The music is evocative like liquid emotion.

While I was listening in the car a wave crashed over me and I realized that the album and the band name are touching a deep reality. Joy is a complex concept. It ranges from simple happiness for many people, to something much more mystic. The music is definitely joyful, but in a deeper darker way. For me joy is not happiness. This is circumstantial. Joy is not. I often feel like I don't have joy, but perhaps it is not something to have or not. Perhaps it is an ever-present existence which we can participate in like swimming. In this light, I dove into it and tried to see what was true there.

Happiness, sadness, anger, justice, all swirl around in joy. It could be dark and deep and cold or hot and light and quick. Or a mixture of them all. In this sense it is terribly formidable. Strange, wild, untamed, and scary like Bacchus without Aslan's presence.

Perhaps I don't lack it, but rather fear it and therefore stay in the shallows. God, that I will dive deep and let joy permeate me.

Two Sides, One Coin

Grace is a central issue of Christianity. Volumes have been written on it. I don't want to repeat or synthesize any of that. This blog is about contemplations, engagement of ideas. I recently read an article on grace in a blog by Wayne Jacobsen where he addresses a question about modern use of grace as license to sin. His answer went, as usual, exactly where I would have gone, but perhaps in a more refined and knowledgeable fashion than I would have managed. In short, he says that apart from a relationship with Jesus all else is human effort and will not work in the end.

Some claim grace is a stamped pass to heaven and thereby ignore the relationship and ignore a call to be holy and become like God. They use grace as license to continue in their own will and sinful desires. Others claim grace only opens the door but it is up to us to do an endless variation of things that all amount to earning our salvation in some fashion or other. Even the Evangelical alter call is in this group, but that's another story. There are many variations along the spectrum in both directions.

So how are we to find the right balance? This is where Wayne's words struck me most. Anywhere on the spectrum, and truly even trying to find a place on it at all, results in a constant tension between legalism and licentiousness. The whole process is just more human effort.

Like the old War Games moral...the only winning move is not to play. It is only in a relationship of trust (that is what the word faith actually means, just simple trust) that the two sides can make sense and we can get off of that tightrope.

I am given unbelievable grace for all time...that is, I have been forgiven for things for which I am justly guilty. And I must work out my salvation with fear and trembling, not being overconfident. Both are true and make sense in an actual personal relationship. Everyone would agree that if someone bought you out of a mess with no obligation to do so, we should be grateful and would owe that person. Even if they said forget it, we would seek to repay in some way at some point, never forgetting that favor. And if they did ask, we'd do what we could, right? To do otherwise would just be wrong. If that person asked us to hang out with them, we'd probably accept, even if it wasn't the scene we were used to. This is a shallow example of how grace and works are reconciled in a relationship. Of course it will fall apart if we pursue it too much, just as all human metaphors do, but the point is clear enough I think.

So sad that so many people quickly trade that relationship for system and process. Giving more won't make God love you more. It won't make you more blessed. It won't fix your life any more than continuing in all the same old destructive habits will. Sure some things are better than others, but the good in them comes from their connection to the spirit and truth in them, not the acts themselves. They are still curved roads in a curved world all bound in the same circle, to borrow some elven mythology. But you can't hang out with God, listen to him for any length of time, without changing who you are.

Perhaps this is why it's so hard for settled people to go to him and so much easier for the broken. The broken feel they have nothing to lose. While those who feel comfortable could be making a mistake and who knows what he'll ask of them? How beautiful to be forced to let ourselves go to find true freedom. To be forced to trust. Again, this seems an unacceptable condition in a system, but in a personal relationship the benefactor has every right to stipulate the terms of his aid. We do it every day...judging someone's worthiness to receive, to win, to befriend.

The Devil

What a topic. Some people are afraid to talk about it. Others want to focus too much on it. For others it's a cartoon idea that they like to play cutesy about. Theology aside, what is this thing we call the devil?

I have spent much of my life afraid. Terrified truly. I am mostly a fish out of water everywhere. I know what it is to feel different and to be incapable of making myself to be like others. This led to a lot of anxiety about people. What I didn't know, what I wasn't taught is that there is a being, are beings, that prey on fear...like feeding on it. They have no other real power, but they are very very good at pretending to have it.

I went through a time in my life when certain senses were awakening that these beings were very present to me. And that too was terrifying. I could recount visages and happenings worthy of a horror movie...worse because you can't just walk away or turn off your life. Even if it wasn't truly occurring, but only some psychological delusion, the effect was the same. I was paralyzed from doing anything else and anything good, and terrified. This led to a fear of the very idea of a devil.

This was necessary as a tool to keep my distance from these things, but is not good over the long term because, as Rowling said, fear of the word increases fear of the thing. Which is precisely what they, he, it wants. To instill fear.

But recently, I have come to realize that Jack's interpretation of the devil as nothing more than a sniveling annoying brat is far more accurate. It has taken a long long time to come to this and I know it will sound far weaker to anyone else. But it is huge for me.

Even though I had come to understand that his power was only to terrify and that there was no substance to any threat, it was still pee your pants scary and I didn't want to engage it at all. I knew I couldn't win in a direct fight; truly to engage in the fight at all was to give him power that he did not possess on his own. So I avoided.

But that meant that he was ever lurking to get me. Dark corners would bother me, certain times of night, certain conditions, thoughts had to be avoided to keep from engaging. But now I am finding that fear abating. Not entirely, but definitely. I am not as afraid. I can see how he need be nothing more than a mere annoyance, worthy of pounding the crap out of him given the chance. A kickdog. I don't mean to move into that fallacy of fighting the devil at every turn and disrespecting the spirits. This is a false power, and all false power is power given to him.

I hope and pray that this is not a phase, but a real step upward. It would be revolutionary in me. I know I am being trained, made perfect for something. We all are. As long as we live we are being trained, so this isn't prideful. To stop being trained is to end life in this world. But in me, which is the only person I can see inside of, I know this is a ground-taking step. Because to lose fear of fear embodied is to lose it altogether, and that means I become far more dangerous. Far more powerful. I want to reach into those dark corners where the bogey lurks and grab him by the throat. I feel ready to reach through to the other side of the mirror where the demons mock me in my sins, take one by the feet, and use it as a flail to drive off the herd. The hell hound at my hind will soon get a knife straight up through his hot jaws and into his tiny little brain.

All hell can't stop me now, in Jesus name!

Light

I'm finding it difficult to talk about this. I keep having these flashes of insight that I just can't put into words when I sit down to do it. I keep diverging into paths I don't want to take. Like trying to get a needle through the exact right spot and constantly coming up in another part of the cloth. I want to talk about light. The kind of piercing bright living light that we find from time to time. It's more than a metaphor. If you haven't experienced it, go find it. It is such an apt description of God. Light emanates and drives back the nothing which is darkness.

I used to shy from light. I preferred the solace of darkness and that was good for a time. It can be perverted like anything else, but light is incorruptible. Now I am so drawn to it. Illuminate! Spread the light out, pierce the dark corners. I want to be known and not hide. I want my scars to show. I want my ruin to be displayed so that it loses all power. In the light there can be no shame, no guilt. All is revealed and the things of darkness lose their power.

I don't wish that any who are afraid of the light be forced into it. Not that I'm against forcing because sometimes we are ready and won't move until forced, but to those who are not ready, forcing does more damage than good. So I want them to be sheltered. But for me, I am so tired of the games we play trying to keep our eyes shut. The light bathes and cleanses and frees us from these pretensions. In the light we can call what is wrong wrong and we can call what is right right. There's no need to beat around it.

I am imperfect and ruined by my own hand and in that I celebrate God's goodness to me. I want to walk in the light, be in the light. I can sometimes feel myself surrounded by light when I close my eyes. The space in my mind which used to be dark is now blindingly bright. There is no falsehood in it. I can picture it bleeding out through my pores and overcoming me. I can picture projecting it, shining it, dancing with it, in it, freed by it. Shining on the poor wretched things cowering in the dark, right at our feet, but unseen in the dark. What things are right at your hand? What pains, fears, humors and valiants beaten to submission, uglies, not good enoughs, sicks, disturbeds. I want to walk into the dark places and have the very ground light at my step on it. I want to see the light fall over them and pass through me to them.

I want to stare long and hard into the blinding source of that light. I want to know him. I want to see it washing out of and over my friends. I want them to let go and stop hiding as well. I want it to overwhelm me and consume me and never leave me. I want it to root out all corners of darkness to the deepest cellars of my soul. I want them to glow of their own with real radiant light not the sickly imitations we shine on them.

I once wrote that some people huddle to candle flickers and cherish them beyond all else but can't see those dancing in absolute conflagration behind them.

The lights have been turned on. Reason, Redemption, Freedom, Restoration, Peace, Rest: all of these have come to those least able to receive them. Even I can't fully accept this. I want those dark places to be illuminated.

Again, I don't mean the darkness that is good, that gives rest and perspective and gravity, but the darkness that hides and shames. The one which festers and bites and imprisons. This must go and everything in those dark places must come to light. I'm ready for it...at least for another step.

Breaking Chains

This phrase is common in Christianity. There are so many references to freedom, to setting captives free, to removing oppression. This IS Christianity. I'm going to try my best to avoid railing about rechaining and the obligatory system of religion people erect under the name of Christianity. So if that's your understanding of the thing, you aren't wrong, but that isn't the truth of it...

...I actually stopped writing this for several days because the idea didn't seem fully formed yet. Maybe it still isn't. I'm not sure quite where to go with this honestly. It was a powerful impression that became half visible in the mist and then vanished before I could get a clear view of it. I'll try just talking about notable occurrences and maybe it will tie up.

I actually had a dream that was not a nightmare last night. This is a first in a very long time. It wasn't the kind of dream that I would seek out or wake from feeling like I really enjoyed it. I haven't had one of those in about 15 years. But at least no one died, no one was chasing me, there was no violence, and no demons or other evil beings. And it was bilingual...in Japanese and English.

For one thing, I had an opportunity to see a good friend again recently who happens to be a powerful dreamer, and we talked about why I dream so horribly. It was just a passing conversation, but speaking out loud some thoughts I hadn't really formed before really seemed to help. It might have had an influence.

Also, I had the opportunity recently to spend some time alone in the wild. I took my newly constructed paddle board for a long paddle up a swampy river. It was running clear at low water, so I could see all the HUGE fish swimming under me. Swam a couple of times to cool off. Felt the bracing effects of fear as alligators up to 10 feet long startled, swam and submerged within 4 meters of me. Raced turtles. Stared vultures in the eye at close range. This is precisely what another friend who happens to be gifted in dream interpretation prescribed when I told him my dreaming predicament several months ago. So that probably helped as well.

I've felt pretty good lately. Allergies have been minor or nonexistent.

My new bike is lighter and faster than my old one, but the gear ratio is much tougher and forcing my legs to get stronger.

My new team member started at work and we get along very well. I found myself able to understand Japanese on TV again almost as well as when I lived there. I don't know why this has occurred.

I saw a fun adventure movie recently that surprisingly had a character which I very much admired. He was a missionary who held his faith in a bold and fearless way all the way to the end. After the movie I found out that both my son and God-daughter thought that character reminded them of me! I was very happy to hear this since that is exactly the kind of person I want to be!

I did not die last year as I expected.

Perhaps, I feel like chains are breaking for me. Deep chains. Chains I didn't even know bound me. I'm feeling a freedom and peace that I have not felt in a long time.

Practical Belief

I realized recently that my darkness and staunch pragmatism make it very difficult to take anything at face value, and therefore very difficult to simply enjoy something that I can see through or in the midst of greater difficulties. Not impossible, just difficult.

On the up side, I am very rarely surprised by things because I prepare for the worst. I think through possibilities and find the worst case. Once I have prepared for that, any lesser case is easier to deal with. It actually serves me very well most of the time and provides a perspective that many less thoughtful people lack.

But the problem is that things very rarely go that bad. Still they always could and that 'could' is where the trouble starts. Because I have inferred a path to that worst case, it is hard to get it out of my head. The stats help and I realize logically that it probably won't go that bad, but even within the realm of probable outcomes there are plenty that are not good. I can also see the variables and recognize those (most) that I don't control. So in short, I am constantly seeing the bad and this makes it hard to just go on and be happy.

There are some things to combat it though. I try to rule out hearsay and hype. These only falsely color the situation. Local news is the worst about this. Please don't watch it. It's trash TV disguised as journalism. Even gossip is trouble this way. I try to bring things back to my actual experience. For example, I hear crime reports. Hear rumors from neighbors. See warnings from police and neighborhood watch. This makes me feel that crime is immanent. It's only a matter of time before I am hit. But in my actual experience, this is not the case. There are far more good days than bad. Far more good people than bad. Most of the incidents are stupid kids that are easily caught. and some reports are just plain false. Like the one about the neighbors basketball hoop that was supposedly stolen when it was no longer on the street. I looked at their yard and saw the hoop laying beside their fence. This isn't rose-colored glasses; remember I can't do that. It's just the REAL facts.

You might be tempted to say, "just trust God and let him care for you." Well, that's great, but short-sighted. If you could see all the pathways that I see and consider all the cases that I know, you'd see that there's a whole lot of bad that can occur inside God's will. It doesn't mean I won't get robbed, beaten, sick, jailed, persecuted. In fact, the historic and modern cases around the world show that in fact those things are far MORE likely if I am a Christian. The fact that we don't see them so prevalently in this part of the world means 1. we are not capable of handling them, 2. we are not worthy of them (i.e. we don't offend the enemy enough) or 3. we are EXTREMELY blessed.

This is not to say that God doesn't provide all our needs. Just that many of our fears lie between our accustomed lifestyle and our needs. So for me, I have to find faith in something more solid. Remember that faith, as understood by those to whom the Biblical books were originally written, meant something more like credit or patronage. Not blind belief. It meant, it means in actuality, an offering of trust. Just like you trust the bank to hold your money for you. Or in those days, you might trust a powerful ruler to provide security and prosperity. In fact, that is the context of all the references to God as King. We are asked to trust Jesus like we would a king. That's why he laughed at his disciples so often that they didn't trust him in that way even though they trusted God as they knew him through Judaism. It was a whole different game with that God standing next to you.

So for me, I've been trying to give more of that trust. To recount past incidents where He was faithful and therefore bolster my faith. It's hard to truly do this in all situations. I constantly want to take back some control, as feeble as it is, and provide for myself. I've been really practicing seeing the good. Counting my blessings...really, it's not a cliche. And where I can't settle on a high probability of good outcome, I have to trust that there are factors I can't see and that He has promised not to let me go. And where bad outcomes are the most probable, I am practicing enduring, and even charging in. This is bravery, though we don't think of it like that. I would easily take on a gun or even knife over something less decisive like uncertain financial future. But one dragon is as another. Both must be charged down, come hell or ruin...

In these moments, I sometimes catch a glimpse of myself...at least I hope it is me in the same way I see others, like Galadriel of previous blogs. I see a fell warrior, bloody and singed, but standing firm in the midst of the demon swell. Maybe a little something like this.

But only for a moment. And then I come back to my own life...or maybe I just fall back to sleep.