Is this new?

After my recent cycle into darkness, I am starting to feel better.  Not 100%, but better.  I'm still working out some things about causes, triggers, etc.  No major metanoia either though.

But I did have one realization as the light started to dawn in my world again.  I've been faking things pretty darn well.  I actually do it a lot.  It probably started as a survival mechanism somewhere.  But I remember coming to a point years ago where I had to let things out.  It helped me stay out of the dark.  But I developed a reputation for being really angry.  I kept my head pretty well, but I would verbally rail about things that upset me and there were lots of them.

Overtime, I had thought I'd gotten rid of that. Calmed down.  But recently I've found that same part of me still there, still as angry.  It hadn't come back.  It just never left.  I guess I'd been repressing it.

Actually, I hate being angry.  It's really just a sort of snarling out of fear and frustration.  See, it all comes back to cages.  I hate being pent up.  I don't know why.  I'm not claustrophobic or anything, it's more an internal sort of thing.  When I'm being boxed in, given a situation where there's no way out, I start to get like any intelligent animal in a cage gets.  They either get mean, go crazy, or give up.  And mean is the most conducive to survival.  Crazy just means they've won, and giving up feels worse than anything.  That's where the demons are.  So anger it is.

But anyway, my point is that I had become pretty good at faking the right attitude.  Even in my spiritual life, I know what a mature Christian should exhibit, and I can put that on.  I can also pull off just the right mix of humility and power to make people think I'm pretty darn holy.  I even learned to mix in a good deal of truth with it such that I flat out tell people I'm bad, but do it in a way that they don't believe me.  I'm serious about this.  I know how to pause, tone my voice, phrase my words and make what I want to say seem wise or mysterious or even beyond my years.  I even fooled myself into believing it.  Seriously.  That's what I've just learned.  I haven't really grown much at all.

Now in some ways I have, sure.  I could go into those but that would make this over-long.  But in this deep root area, I have not changed much at all.  The fruits of the spirit are just not there.  I know how to make them look like they're there, but that's not the same thing.  It's not.  What's real is the natural outpouring of the heart when we're not trying.

What's been coming out of me lately means I'm either possessed or have just opened up a dark corner of my internal house and found it has been rotting in there for a long time.  I don't want to go into what made me realize this, but suffice to say you'll probably imagine it worse than it was outwardly, but if I told you, you'd imagine it far less than it was inwardly.  So I won't say.

But this made me think of how that could happen.  How could I pursue virtue and good character and not find even a little of it?  I think it's because I'm pursuing the wrong thing.  You see, any time we Christians lay an expectation on another, we force them, be it insidiously slight or brashly overt, to ACT like we tell them they should.  It's all about the DIY.  Fruits are love, joy, peace, patience... So I'll just be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient.  I won't be perfect, but heck, we're all sinners saved by grace, right?  It's the try that counts and the more we try, the more we actually become.  Fake it till you make it!

This is wrong.  God wants us not to love him from obligation or expectation.  He wants us to genuinely love him.  He'd rather us reject him than pretend.  This is the only explanation that makes sense.  So if I'm doing something good that my heart's not into, I might as well not do it.  Better to be bad and honest than good and a liar because the first leads to real life, while the other leads to white-washed tombs.

So this part isn't new.  I've blogged about it before.  But what is new is the realization that I am one of the tombs.  If it took a trip to hell to open my eyes to that, then I thank God for it.  I've got to quit this, but I can't.  So I have to re-learn it all from this perspective.  He does the work.  I just grow however he grows me; I can't, sow, hoe, water, and prune myself.

So if you think I've fallen off the deep end, you were just one of those I duped.  Please don't try to draw me back in.  It's hard to stay honest in this.  And I'm faking it enough already in writing this so cleanly.

Poured

"Christians devour each other."  This is a quote I once read in an article by a Christian who was quoting his athiest friend who was observing why he isn't a Christian.  It's very true.

I feel poured out.  Stretched at every point.  People want things and they want more and more and more.  Like my cup is draining faster than filling.  And then some people ask for things they don't really want you to give them.

I do public work.  So what I do isn't just inconsequential money-making tasks.  It's things that enable most of you do your inconsequential money-making tasks, and I do them at a level that is involved in the decisions and planning.  So it is not boasting to say that what I do affects all of you who live in the same area and has lasting impacts into the future.  It's just so invisible to your daily lives that you don't even know it's going on.  But I digress.

My point is that even in this, a coworker was saying today, "It's as if they ask us to make something better because they have to, but they really just want to keep doing the same old thing, so they make it something super difficult to actually accomplish with little resources, and when we figure out a way to do it anyway, they say, 'oh s***!, we never thought they'd actually do it!' So they have to make it artificially difficult."

So I get it from all sides.  And in the place I should find rest and comfort, I find people saying, "well if your joy isn't complete you just have to..."  It's all on my effort.  Even if that effort is simply believing something, or thinking something, or seeing something differently.  I don't know if these people are well-meaning candy-eyed types who have never really known darkness, or if they're just clones spitting whatever script they can access from a motivational poster, or if they are just as screwed up and think they need to mask it by saying the 'right' thing.

Well, I'm stepping out and saying that for some of us, it isn't that easy.  If I were to hound you about running and tell you that you just need to run faster.  You just need stronger muscles, a better heart, more endurance!  You'd look at me and say, "easy for you to say."  Well why is it any different with a mental or emotional condition.  I can't help it!  I know all the stuff you're saying.  I just can't make it any different!  Don't you think I've tried?  I promise you I'm not one of those people who just want to play the victim.  and even if I was, maybe I couldn't help that either!

Why are you so quick to explain and categorize and answer?  You obviously don't get it, or you're a liar.  Either way, you make it abundantly clear that I can't reveal this part of me to you.  So you rob from me a place to find rest.  You force a tired soul out into the night again because there's obviously no room in your inn for the likes of me.

Even still, for your sake, I hope God doesn't lay my blood on your hands because I don't think you know what you do.  And I've been to hell, just went back for a visit actually.  Trust me, you don't want to go.

New Wine

Think of a world of goodness.  A world of hope and happiness in which people are fulfilled and not wronged.  A place where you are known for who you are and you can drop the masks of conformity and social acceptance.  A place where things are as they should be.

Doesn't exist, right?  Many people have promised it in one form or another.  Many have sought it in one form or another.  Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization.  But our hearts know when it isn't there, right?  Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.

I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper.  That we had to follow him.  That all we had to do was accept his free gift.  Well, accept it and truly believe it.  That, and stop doing bad things.  Oh, and go to church, learn about him.  Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life.  Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes.  Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness.  That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do.  Of course, we can't judge.  Some of them could actually be saved.  But definitely not those over there.

God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind?  Who can keep that up?  It's insidious and wicked to the core!  It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid.  So if that's what hope is, I can't have it.  And without hope, there's only nihilism.  A dry empty desert of never-ending grey.  No direction, no purpose.  Just blind existence.  Nothing matters.  Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.

But in that place, something broke through in me.  It was fresh and bright and full of energy.  I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands.  Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know.  I was just glad to have breath.  To see light.  To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it.  While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked.  I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.

If it ate me up, I didn't care.  That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.

It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught.  So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy.  If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light.  How could I not!  This thing was palpable.  I couldn't go back to that death.  But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught.  When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said.  They said things that flared that light inside me.  Things I didn't find anywhere else.

Now I've blogged enough about my darkness.  That cloud in my flesh never really goes away.  But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see.  And I mean that, no one.  And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.

But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare!  Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?

Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are.  But most of those that think they get it don't.  They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system.  But you can't!

I'm telling you all, you know who you are.  You can't rein it in because it isn't in me.  You can't rein me in because I'm in it.  It's so much bigger.  You touch it and then try to bottle it.  But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth.  I don't steer it, box, it, guide it.  It guides me!  It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me.  In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.

See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying.  You think you've got it.  We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible.  "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart.  Yeah, that's because they're describing this!  It just isn't what you think it is!!  If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me.  You'd look at me like you know what I know.  I can tell man!  I know because I came to it from the outside.  I couldn't see it from the inside either. 

So you know what?  I'm done with it.  I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted.  New wine skins for new wine, yeah?

The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you.  But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error.  We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate.  You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."

But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading.  Because I know you'll come sooner or later.  Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta.  And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way:  Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen.  Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms.  See what happens.  Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response.  Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled.  Don't believe me?  Try it.

To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel.  Chase it down where you find it.  That love won't lead you too far off.  And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me.  I mean that.  I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it.  We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.

Judas

I've heard many people talk about Judas in different ways.  His name is synonymous with betrayal, even outside of Christian circles. Teachings on him range across the spectrum. But most tend toward decidedly negative.

Here's the thing that doesn't make sense to me though.  God chose him.  It couldn't be otherwise, and Jesus actually says that.  He also says that he was doomed for destruction.  He says it would be better for him not to have been born.  Really!  This is Jesus talking.  The guy who picked up the adulterer and turned away the people who would kill her for her faults.  The friend of drunkards and traitors.  Now he's saying this guy is less than dust?  Doomed by God to the worst fate of any human ever?


OK.  So some people reason around that by saying it was Judas' free will.  He could have chosen otherwise.  So what we're seeing in Jesus' statements is his foreknowledge.  But Judas could have chosen another path, and didn't.  So he's up the creek on his own account.

But then, what about forgiveness.  Just like the adulterer.  Am I to believe that one particular act could so define my eternal existence that I could be the most pitied soul in the universe?  What kind of pressure is that?  Good God, there's no hope for me, then!  Sure, I've never had the opportunity to turn God Incarnate over to a tortuous death...but I would have!  I've mocked. I've turned away.  I've outright refused him as much to his face as I can get in this world.  Yet I know in my deep places the feeling of peace and forgiveness I receive from God.  Why doesn't Judas get the same from the unchanging God?

No, I would argue that he does.  I don't know Judas.  I could speculate on his personality and motives.  Many have.  But that's all pure fiction.  We don't know.  He could have been a misguided zealot, an addict who couldn't control himself, or Satan's own henchman.  None of which would entirely be his own fault, and thereby giving God some responsibility for his creation with whatever neuro-chemical damage he may have had.  I don't know.  But the only way I can make sense of it is to remember that God is love.  Jesus exemplifies forgiveness.  Whatever the reason, Judas played a pivotal role in history and one that none of us in our right minds would want.  (Sure if you don't believe Jesus was who he claimed to be, you might think differently, but we're not redefining the story here.  We're taking it as it is presented.  So if you're one of those people, pretend you aren't for a second and stay with my thinking long enough to get my point.)  So I don't think Jesus is condemning him.  I think he's pitying him.

Nothing fits these facts better than the model of a father, which conveniently, pervades the Bible.  No good father wants his children to experience pain, to be sick, etc.  But some kids are not well.  Some make terrible choices that impact themselves and others.  Some are given hard fates that must be dealt with.  But through it all, a father wants to protect and heal his children.  Even through grievous self-chosen wrong.  What father wouldn't put his kid through rehab to get him clean?  Even as he screams and cries for more of the poison.  Or worse, who wouldn't bash his kid over the head if he was caught in the act of a rape?  You'd still love and pity that kid, want to get them help, but that hurt needs to happen.  If you think you'd just disown them, that's still proves my point.  Sometimes the pain is so great you have to turn away and leave the kid to their own mess for a while.

So it's clear to me that Judas is not to be envied.  But he stands to me as the epitomy of what our faith is about.  And I would not be in the least surprised to find he has a very special and protected place in deep in the bosom of God where he can heal and be free of unwarranted pain.  If this is not so, then like Paul, I say we Christians are to be pitied above all men.

Safe

I want to say something very serious...well I'm usually serious, so more serious than usual.  This post is for anyone who finds it and needs it.  I want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you.  I will always be a safe place for you.

I am like you.  I know depression.  I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists.  I have carved my pain in my arms and chest.  I know about the masks.  I know about good days and bad.  I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night.  I know the hollowness.  I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners.  I know the desire to simply cease being.

I know trances and psychic attack.  I know the evil that can make you forget your own name.  I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.

I know rage.  I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy.  I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.

I know rejection.  I know false acceptance.  I know the taunts and insults.  I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care.  I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound.  It just tells us how strange we are.

So if you understand this.  If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night.  Know that I am here and you are there.  And you are not alone.  Look at my picture.  Read my words.  Do I not seem like someone who knows?

You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me.  And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can.  This is my promise.  Test me and see if I don't mean it.  I don't come with programs and easy answers.  But I come.  I am the living dead, sent for the dead living.  I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.

I am Cavvvp.  I am real.  And I am here.

Cloud

It's been a while since I posted and there's a reason for that.  A lot has happened.  I got busy with local non-profit stuff I do and on the way back from one of the events someone ran a red light and smashed my truck.  They hit right behind the driver door at about 50kph.  My truck spun out and stopped against a curb.  The lady dropped her phone an reached for it.  When she sat back up, WHAM!  she had two kids in the car and if she'd hit a fraction of a second earlier, she could have killed me and definitely would have injured me worse.  SO PUT THE FREAKIN' PHONE DOWN AND DRIVE RIGHT!

I walked out, but had a few bruises and some muscle strain in my neck and shoulder.  All in all, not a bad accident, thank God.

This all just after we made the decision to buy my wife a new car because hers was on the way out.  We hate to have a car payment, but we got a good deal and made the leap, then this.

See, they don't make my truck any more and certainly not driven so little.  With another car payment, I really didn't want to make two right now, so a new truck was out.  I did manage to get another truck, but it took some searching.  Prices have gone up and with so many major American companies ceasing to make small pickups, the used market is really hot for them.  It is a couple years newer, but has been driven more and is a bit more worn on the body.  But it's also better on gas and, being a Toyota, would be superior to an equal Ford (what I had before).  So vehicle is different, but a wash in the end.  Insurance covered basically the whole purchase, so I can't really complain, as long as this one turns out to be as reliable as my old one.  I haven't had it long enough to trust it fully.


But as you know, this blog is about contemplation, and that's what I do.  So I'm always looking for the greater lesson.  Certainly, I think there's something in that I may have been tacitly trusting in my station in life more than God himself.  I was sitting pretty well with no long term bills, a good job, plenty of disposable income (which we gave a good deal of to charity).  Amazing how fast that can disappear.  While nothing major happened in the end, it was enough to wake me up to this.

Secondly, I was thrown up against a bit of Job-like feeling.  I didn't do anything to deserve the wreck.  In fact I was doing more things right than many.  But apparently, that doesn't matter.  I know this logically, but for all of you who want to speak chiding platitudes to me, I reply, just let me come plow your classic car to bits and almost kill you in the process and let's see how you feel about it.  Your pat answers just make me angry.  I mean, I took care of that car and paid it off and was set to run it for the rest of my life, or nearly.  That was yanked right out from under me through someone else's negligence.  I think I have a right to process some emotions over it, even if they aren't entirely logical.

Add to that the deepest thing which will prevent this entry from being widely distributed.  Namely, that I sit too close to the edge of depression anyway.  If you are one of these people then you know what I mean.  If not, then thank God and either try to understand something you know nothing about, or just stop reading now, because you won't get this easily.  You see, this mental state doesn't go away.  If we are functional, it's through a series of coping strategies and masks...yeah, masks, we put on.  Because people don't get it.  They don't know what's it's like to have this darkness hovering just behind your eyes like a cloud.  Sure we joke about it and make cute donkeys or funny robots to parody it, but the reality is not amusing.  Imagine looking at any scenario and immediately seeing the worst cases, running them to conclusion, and then having to hunt for the good options if you can even see them.  Imagine that any joy or fun is constantly tainted by the shadow of the cloud behind your eyes and imagine having to worry if too much of that slips out and gives away too much of your inner struggles.

Our culture wants us to be happy and level.  Anything below the line is not accepted.  Try getting a job, being trusted with children, or even keeping friends that are good for you.  Of course different people react differently to it.  It isn't all just weepy, can't get out of bed stuff.  Some of us cope using anger and near rage.  The Linkin Park song describes it well.  That face on the inside never goes away, taunting, staring, laughing.  Some get destructive of self or other things.  And it doesn't take much to knock us over that slippery edge.

So for someone like me, these events carry a greater challenge to grasp for life at something that can hold me out from under that cloud.  I can feel it slipping when another idiot cuts me off in traffic and I have a near PSTD moment (not to belittle the true sufferers of this condition, but only to allude to it since it gets better press) with sweaty palms, racing heart, and raging temper.  Or when the neighbor plays his stereo too loud and I'm feeling my blood pressure rise with every vibration of the base.

I know I will get better.  I'm learning to deal with these things more quickly.  And there must be a reason for God taking me down this road.  I'm trying my best to trust him.  He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble.  But if I slip up and complain a bit too much or seem more agitated than usual, cut me some slack, ok?  And keep your worn-out platitudes to yourself.  They don't help.  If you don't know what might be a platitude, it's anything you've ever heard more than one person say about a similar situation.  No matter how well-meaning you are, it is going to come off shallow and dismissive.  So just back off.  And if I offend you, I'm sorry.  But you offended me first.

Assimilation

This blog is about Truth.  With a capital T because I mean it in the big sense, not the baser sense of "true story" or true/false.  Science is also about Truth...at least it is at the heart, before media and corpocracy and fame have tainted it.  The only reason science and religion conflict is because practitioners of one or both confuse the roll of each.  See science can only tell us about observable reproducable things.  As such, it can't talk at all about things that fall outside of the ability to observe and test.  Conversely, religion isn't about empirical, observable, testable reality.  Reality, yes, but not the physical world in the way science is interested.  Anyway, I digress.  My point is that I try to understand my world as a whole.  And science informs things quite well.  So it shouldn't be a surprise that this blog may also cover scientific matters from time to time as they engage in my brain.

So the concept of assimilation.  This is the process of taking something in and making it a part of the entity, whether that is biological, social, spiritual, etc.  Essentially, an assimilated thing ceases to be separate from the thing that assimilates it.  We assimilate nutrients.  Nations assimilate people.  The US is known as the "melting pot", which refers to the quality of assimilating people from many backgrounds.  We are not a nation based on genetic isolation or ancient tribal divides.  Assimilation is a natural process that absolutely pervades every aspect of the function of the world.  But I don't think many people understand it at all.

I was thinking of assimilation around the Christmas season for a couple reasons.  First, because people get wound up about the various elements of the holiday.  Regardless of what angle of that argument you might sit in, I think the concept of assimilation should help unwind that tension some.

No culture exists in a vacuum.  Even the oldest cultures are influenced by those around them and evolve through time.  The culture of a tribe 1000 years ago would not be the same now, even if that tribe were totally untouched by the outside, which none are.  So there are going to be things that move from one to the other in both directions.

When Christianity first began to spread, it was spreading through existing cultures.  Some of those celebrated Saturnalia, some celebrated Yule, and many other winter festivities.  So when a few people began to see that this new faith had Truth, they didn't cease to live in the culture they were in.  Others around them still celebrated the things they always did.  Christianity, being a very assimilative type of faith, does not proscribe or prohibit much outright.  The Apostle Paul (Saint Paul, depending on your tradition) who wrote most of the New Testament says all things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial.  The individual has to determine what is good for themselves and their own.  So many found what was good and true in the culture they occupied and kept those elements.

Where there were conflicts of conscience, people sometimes adapted the holiday to something that fit their new beliefs.  Ok, so we aren't celebrating Thor any more, but as all powers and principalities are subject to the One God, then Father Christmas must also be subject to him...It's not a conscious happening, it's a slow and imperceptible shifting.  Father Christmas, sounds much like the traditions of Saint Nicholas from southern Europe, so those gradually get merged as well.

Now if you are seriously conflicted by any pagan elements in your holiday, by all means, do what your conscience demands.  Paul also says to bear with those who have weaker faith, so I for one won't be in your face about what gives you trouble, just like I won't drink alcohol around an alcoholic or a Baptist.  But for your part, recognize the freedom of those of us who do not feel conflicted about it.  We're not apostate because we let our kids enjoy a gift given in the name of a mythical character or a Saint.  WE aren't worshipping a pagan God when we do it, despite the origin.

And if you're on the other side where you feel your holiday was stolen and perverted by us tyrannical Christians, please remember that you are still free to celebrate whatever you like.  As I described above, most of the assimilation was a natural cultural process and not a decision to abolish or persecute your religion.  I don't doubt that there were times where a state religion prohibited practices in an attempt to mandate what it felt was good.  But that's not what's happening in the West right now.  In fact, in today's world, you're more likely to live in a nation that mandates against Christianity, if it speaks to national religion at all.  So it goes both ways.  Individuals are not nations and nations are not individuals.  Celebrate what you like in the way you like and allow others the same respect, even if you disagree.  This is the definition of political and religious freedom.

Now on to the second topic of assimilation.  Food.  When you eat, your body assimilates the chemicals in that food: proteins, lipids, nutrients, synthetics, etc.  Those things become a part of your body.  Your body knows how to use a lot of those things.  A good deal of them, your body can't use.  Some of them actively break down the processes in your body as it tries to figure out what to do with them.  But since assimilation is a great principle of life on Earth, a natural law, your body has an amazing capacity to take damage.  It will assimilate and assimilate until it is overloaded.  Even useful things can become a problem when there are too many of them. 

Unfortunately, our bodies are so good at assimilating stuff we often don't take notice.  The impacts, are virtually undetectable.  But they are occurring.  We only notice it once it's so far damaged that something actually breaks.  It's the same process all over the natural world.  I'm a water scientist and I see people seep junk into lakes and rivers for decades and then get utterly bewildered when the lake turns green and icky "all of a sudden".  Truthfully, there are usually warning signs if you know what to look for, but people don't pay attention to them in their body or the world around them.

Even the government is not good at watching this.  You see, most of the government employees want to do good, that's why we choose a lower paying career that comes with ample abuse from ignorant people.  But a good deal of the job is about keeping the wheels turning.  In the US especially, it's hard to just say, "whoa, change everything because this isn't working."  So we operate by determining exactly how much we can mess something up before the impacts are too noticeable.  I'm dead serious about this.  It's how the laws are written and how the policies are structured.  It's not a mindset of keeping things healthy, solvent, or sustainable.  It's how much abuse can we take from all the pressures and not fall apart.

The same goes with individual health.  Many people try to sneak just under the line where they crash rather than aim for the healthiest they can be.  Fortunately for someone with a condition like me, my body reacts far more instantly to a bad element than most.  So people say it's a problem with my body and those things don't affect them.  But they DO affect you.  They affect everyone.  I'm like the canary in the coal mine.  My reaction is the magnified and instant representation of what it's doing to you over the decades.

So why play with fire?  If you, unlike me, have a good margin of safety, you won't fall out from a little bad stuff, but it's still bad!  Imagine how healthy you could be if you didn't keep taking in that stuff that's pulling you apart at the cellular level.

Anyway, these have been my thoughts through this Christmas season as I've watched and listened to the world around me.  As we start into a new year, I'd encourage you to take advantage of this marker in time to begin consciously assimilating these ideas about assimilation.  Once you understand the concept, it explains so much of the world around you.  You'll be more insightful, happier, and healthier for it.