Safe

I want to say something very serious...well I'm usually serious, so more serious than usual.  This post is for anyone who finds it and needs it.  I want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you.  I will always be a safe place for you.

I am like you.  I know depression.  I know the taste of a gun barrel and the feel of a blade on my wrists.  I have carved my pain in my arms and chest.  I know about the masks.  I know about good days and bad.  I know decades...literally decades of only nightmares at night.  I know the hollowness.  I know the terror of lonely places, dark corners.  I know the desire to simply cease being.

I know trances and psychic attack.  I know the evil that can make you forget your own name.  I know what it is to have my senses coopted by things that feed on pain and fear, to lose touch with reality for a time, to approach the gates of hell.

I know rage.  I know the overwhelming desire to kill and destroy.  I know what it is to look out of burning eyes and calculate the animal rending of someone before me.

I know rejection.  I know false acceptance.  I know the taunts and insults.  I know the subtle but clear lack of understanding from people who want to care.  I know how that look of alienation cuts more deeply because it comes from those who obviously don't want to wound.  It just tells us how strange we are.

So if you understand this.  If you know me or if you stumble across this late one night.  Know that I am here and you are there.  And you are not alone.  Look at my picture.  Read my words.  Do I not seem like someone who knows?

You don't need to be anything other than what you are around me.  And if you need me, I will be there in whatever way I can.  This is my promise.  Test me and see if I don't mean it.  I don't come with programs and easy answers.  But I come.  I am the living dead, sent for the dead living.  I gave up my life and it has been given back for you.

I am Cavvvp.  I am real.  And I am here.

Cloud

It's been a while since I posted and there's a reason for that.  A lot has happened.  I got busy with local non-profit stuff I do and on the way back from one of the events someone ran a red light and smashed my truck.  They hit right behind the driver door at about 50kph.  My truck spun out and stopped against a curb.  The lady dropped her phone an reached for it.  When she sat back up, WHAM!  she had two kids in the car and if she'd hit a fraction of a second earlier, she could have killed me and definitely would have injured me worse.  SO PUT THE FREAKIN' PHONE DOWN AND DRIVE RIGHT!

I walked out, but had a few bruises and some muscle strain in my neck and shoulder.  All in all, not a bad accident, thank God.

This all just after we made the decision to buy my wife a new car because hers was on the way out.  We hate to have a car payment, but we got a good deal and made the leap, then this.

See, they don't make my truck any more and certainly not driven so little.  With another car payment, I really didn't want to make two right now, so a new truck was out.  I did manage to get another truck, but it took some searching.  Prices have gone up and with so many major American companies ceasing to make small pickups, the used market is really hot for them.  It is a couple years newer, but has been driven more and is a bit more worn on the body.  But it's also better on gas and, being a Toyota, would be superior to an equal Ford (what I had before).  So vehicle is different, but a wash in the end.  Insurance covered basically the whole purchase, so I can't really complain, as long as this one turns out to be as reliable as my old one.  I haven't had it long enough to trust it fully.


But as you know, this blog is about contemplation, and that's what I do.  So I'm always looking for the greater lesson.  Certainly, I think there's something in that I may have been tacitly trusting in my station in life more than God himself.  I was sitting pretty well with no long term bills, a good job, plenty of disposable income (which we gave a good deal of to charity).  Amazing how fast that can disappear.  While nothing major happened in the end, it was enough to wake me up to this.

Secondly, I was thrown up against a bit of Job-like feeling.  I didn't do anything to deserve the wreck.  In fact I was doing more things right than many.  But apparently, that doesn't matter.  I know this logically, but for all of you who want to speak chiding platitudes to me, I reply, just let me come plow your classic car to bits and almost kill you in the process and let's see how you feel about it.  Your pat answers just make me angry.  I mean, I took care of that car and paid it off and was set to run it for the rest of my life, or nearly.  That was yanked right out from under me through someone else's negligence.  I think I have a right to process some emotions over it, even if they aren't entirely logical.

Add to that the deepest thing which will prevent this entry from being widely distributed.  Namely, that I sit too close to the edge of depression anyway.  If you are one of these people then you know what I mean.  If not, then thank God and either try to understand something you know nothing about, or just stop reading now, because you won't get this easily.  You see, this mental state doesn't go away.  If we are functional, it's through a series of coping strategies and masks...yeah, masks, we put on.  Because people don't get it.  They don't know what's it's like to have this darkness hovering just behind your eyes like a cloud.  Sure we joke about it and make cute donkeys or funny robots to parody it, but the reality is not amusing.  Imagine looking at any scenario and immediately seeing the worst cases, running them to conclusion, and then having to hunt for the good options if you can even see them.  Imagine that any joy or fun is constantly tainted by the shadow of the cloud behind your eyes and imagine having to worry if too much of that slips out and gives away too much of your inner struggles.

Our culture wants us to be happy and level.  Anything below the line is not accepted.  Try getting a job, being trusted with children, or even keeping friends that are good for you.  Of course different people react differently to it.  It isn't all just weepy, can't get out of bed stuff.  Some of us cope using anger and near rage.  The Linkin Park song describes it well.  That face on the inside never goes away, taunting, staring, laughing.  Some get destructive of self or other things.  And it doesn't take much to knock us over that slippery edge.

So for someone like me, these events carry a greater challenge to grasp for life at something that can hold me out from under that cloud.  I can feel it slipping when another idiot cuts me off in traffic and I have a near PSTD moment (not to belittle the true sufferers of this condition, but only to allude to it since it gets better press) with sweaty palms, racing heart, and raging temper.  Or when the neighbor plays his stereo too loud and I'm feeling my blood pressure rise with every vibration of the base.

I know I will get better.  I'm learning to deal with these things more quickly.  And there must be a reason for God taking me down this road.  I'm trying my best to trust him.  He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble.  But if I slip up and complain a bit too much or seem more agitated than usual, cut me some slack, ok?  And keep your worn-out platitudes to yourself.  They don't help.  If you don't know what might be a platitude, it's anything you've ever heard more than one person say about a similar situation.  No matter how well-meaning you are, it is going to come off shallow and dismissive.  So just back off.  And if I offend you, I'm sorry.  But you offended me first.

Assimilation

This blog is about Truth.  With a capital T because I mean it in the big sense, not the baser sense of "true story" or true/false.  Science is also about Truth...at least it is at the heart, before media and corpocracy and fame have tainted it.  The only reason science and religion conflict is because practitioners of one or both confuse the roll of each.  See science can only tell us about observable reproducable things.  As such, it can't talk at all about things that fall outside of the ability to observe and test.  Conversely, religion isn't about empirical, observable, testable reality.  Reality, yes, but not the physical world in the way science is interested.  Anyway, I digress.  My point is that I try to understand my world as a whole.  And science informs things quite well.  So it shouldn't be a surprise that this blog may also cover scientific matters from time to time as they engage in my brain.

So the concept of assimilation.  This is the process of taking something in and making it a part of the entity, whether that is biological, social, spiritual, etc.  Essentially, an assimilated thing ceases to be separate from the thing that assimilates it.  We assimilate nutrients.  Nations assimilate people.  The US is known as the "melting pot", which refers to the quality of assimilating people from many backgrounds.  We are not a nation based on genetic isolation or ancient tribal divides.  Assimilation is a natural process that absolutely pervades every aspect of the function of the world.  But I don't think many people understand it at all.

I was thinking of assimilation around the Christmas season for a couple reasons.  First, because people get wound up about the various elements of the holiday.  Regardless of what angle of that argument you might sit in, I think the concept of assimilation should help unwind that tension some.

No culture exists in a vacuum.  Even the oldest cultures are influenced by those around them and evolve through time.  The culture of a tribe 1000 years ago would not be the same now, even if that tribe were totally untouched by the outside, which none are.  So there are going to be things that move from one to the other in both directions.

When Christianity first began to spread, it was spreading through existing cultures.  Some of those celebrated Saturnalia, some celebrated Yule, and many other winter festivities.  So when a few people began to see that this new faith had Truth, they didn't cease to live in the culture they were in.  Others around them still celebrated the things they always did.  Christianity, being a very assimilative type of faith, does not proscribe or prohibit much outright.  The Apostle Paul (Saint Paul, depending on your tradition) who wrote most of the New Testament says all things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial.  The individual has to determine what is good for themselves and their own.  So many found what was good and true in the culture they occupied and kept those elements.

Where there were conflicts of conscience, people sometimes adapted the holiday to something that fit their new beliefs.  Ok, so we aren't celebrating Thor any more, but as all powers and principalities are subject to the One God, then Father Christmas must also be subject to him...It's not a conscious happening, it's a slow and imperceptible shifting.  Father Christmas, sounds much like the traditions of Saint Nicholas from southern Europe, so those gradually get merged as well.

Now if you are seriously conflicted by any pagan elements in your holiday, by all means, do what your conscience demands.  Paul also says to bear with those who have weaker faith, so I for one won't be in your face about what gives you trouble, just like I won't drink alcohol around an alcoholic or a Baptist.  But for your part, recognize the freedom of those of us who do not feel conflicted about it.  We're not apostate because we let our kids enjoy a gift given in the name of a mythical character or a Saint.  WE aren't worshipping a pagan God when we do it, despite the origin.

And if you're on the other side where you feel your holiday was stolen and perverted by us tyrannical Christians, please remember that you are still free to celebrate whatever you like.  As I described above, most of the assimilation was a natural cultural process and not a decision to abolish or persecute your religion.  I don't doubt that there were times where a state religion prohibited practices in an attempt to mandate what it felt was good.  But that's not what's happening in the West right now.  In fact, in today's world, you're more likely to live in a nation that mandates against Christianity, if it speaks to national religion at all.  So it goes both ways.  Individuals are not nations and nations are not individuals.  Celebrate what you like in the way you like and allow others the same respect, even if you disagree.  This is the definition of political and religious freedom.

Now on to the second topic of assimilation.  Food.  When you eat, your body assimilates the chemicals in that food: proteins, lipids, nutrients, synthetics, etc.  Those things become a part of your body.  Your body knows how to use a lot of those things.  A good deal of them, your body can't use.  Some of them actively break down the processes in your body as it tries to figure out what to do with them.  But since assimilation is a great principle of life on Earth, a natural law, your body has an amazing capacity to take damage.  It will assimilate and assimilate until it is overloaded.  Even useful things can become a problem when there are too many of them. 

Unfortunately, our bodies are so good at assimilating stuff we often don't take notice.  The impacts, are virtually undetectable.  But they are occurring.  We only notice it once it's so far damaged that something actually breaks.  It's the same process all over the natural world.  I'm a water scientist and I see people seep junk into lakes and rivers for decades and then get utterly bewildered when the lake turns green and icky "all of a sudden".  Truthfully, there are usually warning signs if you know what to look for, but people don't pay attention to them in their body or the world around them.

Even the government is not good at watching this.  You see, most of the government employees want to do good, that's why we choose a lower paying career that comes with ample abuse from ignorant people.  But a good deal of the job is about keeping the wheels turning.  In the US especially, it's hard to just say, "whoa, change everything because this isn't working."  So we operate by determining exactly how much we can mess something up before the impacts are too noticeable.  I'm dead serious about this.  It's how the laws are written and how the policies are structured.  It's not a mindset of keeping things healthy, solvent, or sustainable.  It's how much abuse can we take from all the pressures and not fall apart.

The same goes with individual health.  Many people try to sneak just under the line where they crash rather than aim for the healthiest they can be.  Fortunately for someone with a condition like me, my body reacts far more instantly to a bad element than most.  So people say it's a problem with my body and those things don't affect them.  But they DO affect you.  They affect everyone.  I'm like the canary in the coal mine.  My reaction is the magnified and instant representation of what it's doing to you over the decades.

So why play with fire?  If you, unlike me, have a good margin of safety, you won't fall out from a little bad stuff, but it's still bad!  Imagine how healthy you could be if you didn't keep taking in that stuff that's pulling you apart at the cellular level.

Anyway, these have been my thoughts through this Christmas season as I've watched and listened to the world around me.  As we start into a new year, I'd encourage you to take advantage of this marker in time to begin consciously assimilating these ideas about assimilation.  Once you understand the concept, it explains so much of the world around you.  You'll be more insightful, happier, and healthier for it.

The Key

About 6 months ago I was running in the woods, as usual.  I had been doing this for a long time with my car key in my pocket.  Then I started to consider if I lost it, I'd have to pay for a new chipped key.  So I had a door key made for just a few dollars.  I had this in my pocket on this day.

I ran deep into the swamp and found a comfortable spot where I stopped for a rest, sitting on the ground.  After a few minutes I got up and made my way out of the swamp and back to the trail.  Keep in mind, that running in the swamp is not like running on a road.  You can watch one of my videos to see exactly what it looks like, but there is a lot of shifting foot work, jumping, vaulting, crawling, etc.  So I carry as few things as possible and check for them frequently.

Eventually, I reached the last big tree of my course where I usually jump from.  Upon rolling to my feet, I touched my pocket to see if the key was still there and it wasn't.  My spirits sank and I looked around on the ground.  I looked carefully, then swept leaves.  Then widened the search.  Then looked again.  It was not there.  Had I checked for it at all the other usual points?  I must not have!  So I turned back to retrace my steps.  Hopefully it was not lost off trail.

I was nearly done with the run, so I had about 7km to retrace and it was getting later in the day.  I didn't find it at any of the points on the trail, so I sighed as I realized it must have been off trail.  I knew where I had left the trail, but following the exact path would be nearly impossible.  So I prayed again for help to find it, like I had found my wedding ring years before.

In that story, my ring had slipped off in cold blackwater while diving for work.  Blackwater, if you don't know, is extremely tannic such that you literally can't see your hand in front of your face.  I watched the silver flash flip downward into obscurity.  I tried to dive for it, but couldn't see, so I gave it for lost.  My coworker insisted we try to find it.  So we left and returned nearly an hour later after haggling with a dive shop to loan us a powerful light.  With the light secured against mishap with a rope, I tried again.  Even that tremendously bright light only illuminated a narrow beam in the eternal black 3 meters down.  But I scanned the leaf litter slowly and miraculously saw a glint.  I carefully scooped it up like Smeagol finding the One and surfaced with it clenched in my outstretched hand!  The chances of finding it after such a length of time in such dark water with such a current were minuscule.  So if God could allow that, he could help me again.

But quickly I lost the trail.  Was it this log or that log? If this one, was it here or three feet to the left?  There was no key.  Soon I lost all sense of my path, so I just went back to the point I'd left the trail.

I continued the search in hopes that I might have lost it on the early part of the run, but that didn't seem likely.  I was pretty sure I'd had it when I left the trail the first time.  It must have either bounced out of my pocket, or fallen out when I sat down.  That seemed most likely.  I didn't usually do that, so I might not have checked my pocket when I got up.

The next challenge was getting home.  This place is not so much of a park, as a dirt lot with access to public land.  There's no phone.  No houses near.  It was a weekday evening, so hopefully I'd run into someone in the parking lot who could call my wife.  If not, I'd have to run across the road and 4 km down the drive on the other side to get to a ranger station.

Providentially, I spotted a couple out for an evening jog.  I saw that they had phones strapped on for training.  I explained my situation and asked if I could borrow one.  They obliged and my wife started to come with the spare key.

I thanked the people and resumed my search now having run double what I normally do.  A couple others saw my searching demeanor and asked if I was ok.  I told them and they promised to put the key in the trail box if they found it.  But I knew they wouldn't.

After getting out I had immediately had another door key made, which I now tie around my waist on a strong cord, tuck in my pants, and still check constantly.  But it's not in my nature to forget something like this. So even though I had given up all hope of finding it, I continued to check the trail box for several weeks after.  I even tried to go retrace the path a couple times and see if I could miraculously luck up on the spot and find the key.  Of course I didn't find it.

So then I was running again this week and thought of the key once or so.  I knew it was still out there somewhere in the vast swamp.  Perhaps the trophy of a crow or raccoon or other animal that likes shiny objects.  Wouldn't it be weird if I saw it like that, I thought?  Stuck in nest, or hanging from a bird's beak as it flew past.  Unlikely, but not at all impossible.

Toward the end of my run as I was getting fatigued, I climbed the last tree with the perfect perch from which to leap off.  I jumped and rolled over my left shoulder, then reclimbed to roll over my weaker right.  I have recently had to change trajectory because I've worn out the landing spot and roots were painful.  I overextended the jump a bit and came out of the roll a little awkward, further into the trail than usual.  As momentum carried me to my feet, I looked between them, and square in the middle of my black shoes, pointing down the trail was a silver key with black end.  I instantly thought my cord had come untied, but found the key secure in its place.  I grabbed the key on the ground in astonishment.  It looked just like mine.  It couldn't be!

I pulled the corded key out of my waistband and compared them.  No way!  It was MY LOST KEY!  How?  I looked everywhere here!  How could it have lasted six months right in the trail!  Had someone picked it up by chance and dropped it here?  What are the chances of that?  Had an animal truly returned it to me?  Most likely, I had dropped it in this place.  But how had it remained through driving summer rains, rapid bicycles, and countless feet, only to pop to the surface right between the feet of the very one person who had lost it?

Like any occurrence of this type, the skeptic (and I am usually with you), will ascribe it to chance.  The sap will call it a miracle.  I don't go that far.  I ascribe it to the everyday sort of mysteries in which the unseen intrudes into our mundane worlds.  The Majik, to coin a word.

These small intrusions of a greater reality are, for me, the most exciting thing.  Small love notes from a Father who says, "I am here." in a personal way that most others will not even perceive or understand.  It is a private message, like a note scribbled on a napkin in a lunchbox, meant only for my eyes, and bolstering my trust and love.

It also illustrates another principle.  That he is most truly God of the lost.  There is nothing so small that it falls from his attention, and it returns in the most unlooked for ways.  If he can save something as trivial as my lost key and bring it back to me so perfectly, so precisely, after I had given up as an irksome memory of my inattention, I can never assume anything is truly lost.  Though I may seem irrevocably far from it in space, time, or understanding it is not gone from him.  As Steve Taylor so eloquently put it, "Misfits lost in the dryer take heart; God's got a place for us in Sock Heaven."

 I think this is, well...key.

Colors

Every once in a while the media frenzy of the day gets to me in a way that I want to add my two cents to the conversation.  So that's what this is.  But I will start by telling you what this is not.

This is not the extent of my opinions.  You should never assume you have me pegged based on what I say here.  This is not an assessment of current events.  I am not commenting on something I have no direct knowledge of.  That would be ignorant foolishness.

So I want to talk about how this does affect me: colors.  Namely skin colors as a means of defining ourselves and others.  Has anyone else noticed that this whole controversy has tacitly accepted the distinction of "black" and "white"?  It's a given in the argument.  It's an unstated assumption.  The two groups exist and are different.

I emphatically disagree with that.  I am calling the assumptions into question. 

Let alone the stupid nature of the terms which don't accurately reflect reality.  I know very few people who are actually white or black in color.  We're all a greater or lesser degree of tanish brown.  Where do we draw the line?  I know "blacks" who are paler than me and "whites" who are far darker.  And I don't mean people of one ethnicity who identify culturally with the other.  I mean actual African genomed people with pale skin and the reverse.

But even accepting the words as cultural markers, they are nothing more than something we assume.  We all know examples of the "crossovers" who identify more with the culture of the color they are not.  But then there's those in the middle, of various ethnic descents, etc. who don't fit in either.  For many of us, the cultural lines are not drawn based on color, they just aren't.  There's multiple colors in the same culture.  So it's not nearly as fixed as some would have it seem.

But to go a step further in denouncing the differences, I know many people who identify themselves as distinctly "white" even wearing the racist history as a badge of honor, and many "blacks" who are all chip-on-their-shoulder types.  But you know what?  They eat similar foods.  They view things in similar ways, only with a color swap. Soul Food and Southern Cooking are EXACTLY THE SAME THING!  The only difference is the cut of meat...and sometimes not even that.  A poor ignorant "white" says the same things about "blacks" that a poor ignorant "black" is saying about "whites".  I've experienced this first hand, each oblivious that they were saying the same things about the other group.  But they're sooo different!  It's ridiculous!

People are people.  We have different cultures.  We have different styles and different ways of talking.  But at the root, we all care about the same things.  We are not that different.  To draw a line based on some hazy definition of skin color is to establish a lie around which many evils spring up...as we're seeing right now.

So I refuse to accept the assumption.  I grant that many people do.  But that is the only reason it exists.  And every time we tacitly accept it, we reinforce it.  But every time we refuse it, we tear a bit of that lie down.  So I'm telling you that for me and my house, we will not, do not, use color as an identifying characteristic.  Not even culturally.

And I'm asking you to do the same.  Strike it from your vocabulary!  It will be stilted until you get used to it.  People around you will still use it.  But YOU don't.  Don't let your kids.  Don't fill it out on forms.  Erase it.  Insist on it.  Play dumb when people try to use it with you. "White?  That girl in the white shirt?  Oh you mean the guy with lighter skin up there? Is that who you mean?"  Decide on it right now.  And if you feel those tendencies of your past way of thinking creeping in, reject them and consciously look on people with fresh eyes.  This is the only way it will go away.  Take the power out from under it.  You'll have to think about people in new ways.  You'll find it gets easier with time until you truly don't see the distinctions you once did.

Don't perpetuate this evil.  End it now as far as your sphere of influence reaches.

Stolen or Lost

As often happens, I'm jumping off from something someone said who may actually read this.  If that's you, or you know who it is, please note that I am being careful to divorce the statement from the person.  As I've stated before, I'm dealing with ideas in this blog, which are the things the internet is made of, and not attacking people.  Truthfully, the statement is nothing more than a point of departure that got me thinking.  So I'm thankful for that and move on in the spirit of healthy salonic discussion and the "you" I address below is not that person, but a strawman I've set up for express purposes of tearing down. (that's actually what 'strawman' means, though people rarely use it correctly.)

So what is this now much anticipated statement?  That God wants his church back.  Yeah, that's it.  If you're let down, you obviously don't read this blog much.  At first, my reaction was "Who took it?"  Who could take it?  Is That-Than-Which-Nothing-Greater-Can-Be-Conceived so easily thwarted that anything which is His could be taken, stolen, or lost?

Now, of course, I get the statement.  I know how it was intended: as a clever way to describe a truth.  So no big deal.  But it lingered.  So as I pondered why, I came to see this as a symptom of the very kind of thinking which has led to the problem being addressed in the first place.  That problem is a lack of true relationship, true following of God's Reality.  See, I know several people right now who are on this journey away from the institutionalized church.  They call it different names, but this has been a grand revelation for them.  I'm happy for them and supportive.  I really am, because I am quite frankly tired of being out here in the woods by myself...both metaphorically and physically.  But more importantly, as one who came through this path myself, I get it.  I know the jaw dropping joy and boundless, sometimes sickening freedom of it.  Come on and catch up so we can move on together!  I hope these thoughts help.

But it's important to recognize that this is not a new thing.  It's not a "move of God."  Honestly, you gotta drop that kind of vocabulary altogether, bro.  God doesn't move like that.  Isn't that what you're waking up to?  His work hasn't been constrained to the various human institutions that come and go.  Sure he's moved through them, but not because of any thing they were.  Not because of anything they 'got right'.  To say so is just a deeper layer of the Pharisaical doctrines that Jesus was so against.  They'd taken the truth and twisted it to their own purposes.  Blind guides.

No God only moves one way.  It's the same way he always moves.  It's the way that Jesus came to show us, and the reason so few in his generation got it.  What were they expecting?  A hero.  A Warrior King.  A Righteous Ruler to wield true Divine Authority and set right all that was wrong.  They got this from their scriptures, just like we get our fallacies.

But what was Jesus?  Not that!  He said over and over, the Kingdom of God is not what men think.  It's within.  It's spiritual.  It's unseen.  He didn't overthrow society, he stepped out of it while staying right in it.  He crossed planes and walked right by those who thought they had it figured out.  The ruler who failed; that's him on the surface.  Just another radical who died.

You see where I'm going with this?  But what he did was change people on the inside.  He made them different.  He healed what was broken at the deepest levels.  I'll say it again, God only moves one way.  And that way is the way he's always moved: in the hearts of each individual person.  In those deep places where our own internal eye can barely see.  That's where he does his work.

Everything that occurs on the physical level is just a manifestation of this change.  A projection of a mutlidimensional existence into 3 dimensions.  It all comes from that.  On our own, we can't keep from getting the cart first.

So, remember that while this may be new to you, and the greatest thing ever.  It is...to you.  But you aren't the first, not even the early generation, man.  We had these same 'movements' in the mid '90's.  Right down to the house churches and all, bro.  I'm not saying their bad.  Walk your walk out.  You can't be expected anywhere on the path but where you are.  But realize things are just well in God's Kingdom.  They've never been shaken by winds of change in the world.  No one can take God's church, man.  He can't lose it either.  What was lost is us.  What's coming back is you.  What he's changing is your mind, not the world.  you thought you knew how it worked, but you've learned better now.

Read more old books.  Rome had it.  18th century France had it.  19th century England had it.  Early 20th century Europe had it.  Same abuses, same institutions painted in the fashions of the day.  And the same people realizing what's real and what isn't.  The same people awakening to what you are feeling now.

I know it's tough to shed old habits, and you'll probably get it wrong for many more years.  I'm just a little further down the path myself, so I'll be a different person soon too.  But one thing I can see from my view of the bend that you haven't gotten to yet is the lack of the preachy interaction.  Man, everything you learn isn't a revelation for everyone else.  Heed it.  Share it for sure.  But know, you aren't always gonna be at the head of the charge.  In truth, you never really were.  You just thought so, bro.

Now, jog on up here and let's go further up and further in together!

Fall where they may

Last entry,  I was struggling with the idea of evangelism.  I figured I needed study to settle my head.  So I took action.  I talked to a trusted friend who counsels me on lots of things.  He told me that he agrees with my approach, but he's also taken flac for it.  But he also told me he's seen others who took the more direct approach.  The proof is in the results...or the fruit, to use the Biblical analogy.

He also reminded me that there are different gifts, and though some groups try to cite the Great Commission as the bottom line of Christianity, it isn't necessarily that way.  Certainly we all have some level of responsibility to share our faith, but that there is a specific gift mentioned for Evangelism.  This reminded me of the discussion about various parts of one body.  How we are built to function as complementary parts, not all the same parts.  So in my mind, this necessarily disproves the interpretation that the Great Commission is the prime directive for every Christian.

Then I also talked to a friend who shares my faith but from a different part of the house.  He came at it from a different denomination, and then switched to one yet further down the hall from the one I came from.  So he helped me understand how those groups interpret the parts of the Bible that I was struggling with.

Then I reread a book (So you Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore) that had first gave me confidence to fully step out of the room I had been raised in.  I had poked my head out and looked up and down the hall of the wide house of Christian views, even looked int the windows of some other rooms.  But this book convinced me I needed to walk out of the one I was in.  I picked up several things I hadn't noticed before and reaffirmed the decision.  This served to help cut a few of the subtler cords that I hadn't fully broken yet.

And from there, I looked up one of the authors and found a podcast (The Jesus Lens) on interpreting the Bible as a chronicle of redemptive flow through time. The story of God's pursuit and salvation of humanity that culminated in Jesus, but continues through to this day and will progressively flow on to the end of time.  It was extremely enlightening to walk through every book this way.  I don't want to provide a cursory summary that will let a reader feel they got the idea and don't need to do the study themselves, so suffice to say this approach resolves many of the contradictory elements such as the nature of God in the Old Testament vs the New and the discrepancies in tone and approach of the New Testament writers themselves, which I mentioned as an issue last time.  I've heard many explanations for these problems, but this one is the best and most unified, to me.  So check it out if you're interested.

By this point, I was feeling more confident, so I even went through and looked up every verse that talks about the Word of God or Word of the Lord.  Actually, I looked up every instance of the word 'word'.  It's over 400 verses.  But I noticed two things:  they never refer to the written word, the scriptures, or the Bible itself.  Honestly, they couldn't refer to the Bible because it wasn't compiled until like 300 years after the last books were written.  But it never even refers to the Hebrew Law or Prophets.  These are always called out as writings.  The Word of God always refers to a live message or a person...seriously a person.  In some cases it says the Word of the Lord came to someone and said... and then the person replies.  So there's a conversation between entities here.  This is consistent with what John writes about the Word becoming flesh.

So I looked up the Hebrew and Greek words used.  'Dabar' in Hebrew and 'logos' is Greek.  They both refer to the written word only by extension.  The real meaning is the content.  They mean an issuance of information, a revelation in the strict sense.  So this just blew my head apart!  My whole life I'd been taught that the Bible was the Word of God.  Even as a toddler we'd sung songs about it.  But it's totally untrue!

In my excitement, I posted this on Facebook, which of course brought a little controversy.  But surprisingly, many people were not shocked.  So, I felt like Shinji Ikari emerging from his Instrumentality.  When it finally clicks, he finds himself standing amongst a host of people, who have also arrived there, clapping and congratulating him.

So now, I don't claim to have a better interpretation.  I truly feel confident in saying I know to be true what I already felt to be true.  And the burden of getting the right system down has been lifted.  I'm sure I don't have it totally right, but I have taken another giant step in learning to LIVE (alive, living) relationship with God.  And I am more comfortable with how to best deal with others at various points on the same road.

Because we ARE all on the same road.  Know it or not.  Believe it or not.  And I can now show you how the Bible demonstrates this.  And if I'm wrong, that's ok.  You can't convince me until my time is ripe, and I can't convince you until yours is.  So it's best to leave that job to the one who is capable of fixing us both.  Will people abuse this freedom, misinterpret what I'm saying?  Absolutely!  They already are, and have (I'm not the first to arrive here).  But potential for abuse doesn't mean we alter, negate, or hide the truth...as if we really could anyway.