Burning

**NOTE: this blog is real and raw.  Changing or omitting names won't protect identities of people referenced.  So I employ pronoun swapping to further confuse identity.  This blog is NEVER a slam to individuals, but a means of processing ideas.**

I have not posted in a while because of something I was going to write about, but just recently something happened that has upset me and I'm burning about it.  So I will write it out.  Then maybe I'll be free to process the other stuff.

I think the biggest thing that gets under my skin is lack of respect.  You might think this odd coming from a punk, they not being known for respect.  But the truth is, punks are actually very big on respect.  In fact, it's such a big deal that we refuse to pay false respect.  It must be earned.  If you set yourself up over someone else, we're going to call you down.  And that is the crux of the problem, really.

Respect is about boundaries.  People who take liberties tread all over those boundaries.  Some people just never seem capable of understanding another's point of view.  But there again, that's what respect is for.  You don't have to understand.  Just follow the rules of general politeness and all is good.

You see, I have this old friend that I was once very close to, in fact closer than my own sibling.  He had shown me some generosity that makes me feel somewhat indebted even over a decade later.  But early on, it was clear certain people she was related to had no idea about personal boundaries and I would not get along with that person.  I mean serious leech personality, like barging into your house uninvited, refusing to leave when I repeatedly told them I had to leave myself, expecting us to do things without asking, forcing my friend to be 2 hours late for a 2 hour event that the other was not invited to, etc. 

But that's ok.  We don't have to like everyone our friends like.  The problem is that my friend eventually became inseparable from this negative influence, probably from good motives.  I tried to advise him about the negative changes I was seeing in her, but he made it very clear that my advice was not appreciated.  So I backed off and we lost all serious contact for about a decade.

Then she shows up again like nothing has changed...leech now fully affixed such that the two are never apart...ever.  And as you'd expect, my friend has now taken on many of those negative traits, interrupting conversations and then monopolizing them.  Ordering people around.  Insisting on uncomfortable topics.  Once, he invited himself and leech to a party neither were invited to intentionally because of the leech, then made a scene at the party in front of everyone asking if they weren't supposed to be there, and when we tried to just side step it saying, "you're here now." They both proceeded to start altering things like music, temperature, etc. in a rented facility.  And when we refused to comply, they went to get staff to do it.  Which was where I put my foot down and leech waited outside for a few minutes until my friend finally couldn't take it and left.

So fine, whatever, right?  But through a remnant of old relationship, this friend became privy to some personal information about my family.  Which she then of course told Leech.  So for the past couple months Leech has kept insisting on "advising" us about it, openly in public.  We've downplayed, we've walked away, we've even told them straight out to stop before this information gets out and causes unnecessary problems for us and for others.

The last straw came this week when Leech accosted my son about it in public and wouldn't let go.  I didn't know at the time.  But upon finding out, I had to confront them.  I tried to do it privately, avoiding unnecessary embarrassment, sticking to the topic at hand and not old issues, etc.  But then my friend's response was something along the lines of, they hadn't told anyone and it must just be a game of telephone gone wrong, but while we're on the topic, we know you're afraid, but that's why you shouldn't have secrets."

BOOM!!!  I went through the roof!  It's a good thing this came in writing or I'd have had it out with them for sure.  I couldn't have controlled myself and I would have verbally laid them out as all the pent frustration gushed out.

They couldn't be more wrong about my concern nor could they have missed the point any further!  They don't get to make a judgement on this!  Not accepted!  And then they were clueless enough to ask if they could come to another event I was doing. Not even, "is it still ok."  Just, "how do we sign up!" 

So after multiple attempts to respond, I finally went with something to the effect of here's the line.  Don't cross it, or I will not hesitate to let them know in open and certain terms.  I have severed ties with these people to the greatest degree that I can.  But I have no doubt, they won't get it and they'll come prancing in to some event as if nothing is wrong.

Good God!  Help me forgive this because right now, I have no desire to.

This is why

Today I saw a middle-aged man who had lost more than 100 pounds to cancer.  He was aged beyond recognition and so weak he could not stand for long.  He walked with a slow shuffling gait.  He used to play guitar in the band at his church and was back on the stage today.

He had to sit in a chair as the guitar slunk almost flat on his lap.  Arms that were no thicker than the neck of the guitar worked to play in a way that used to be effortless as breathing.

At one point in a song he was so moved he slumped forward almost double.  The guitar fell off his lap and hung like a punk bassist.  He kept playing.  When he looked up his eyes glistened.

I don't really know this man.  I don't know his story or his beliefs.  I just know it isn't likely he'll live and if he does it will be a very different life from what he's known.  But for all that.  For all his disappointment, fear, and suffering.  For all his potential misunderstandings, flaws, false beliefs.  In that moment, it was clear that he knew where his need and his hope and his courage lied.

And I call this man a brother.  This is why I'm a Christian.

Goodbye Kansas

Fair warning on this one: we're going head first down the rabbit hole and Kansas is going bye-bye. So here's your blue pill. If you keep reading, it's your own risk.


Ok. So I've written before about my condition. I am highly sensitive to lots of things. While you might sneeze, I'll have flu like reactions. While you might have indigestion, I go to the hospital. This makes holidays with obligatory feasts and ample treats particularly difficult. I often have weird dreams following food that my body doesn't want, so what follows could be related. But it struck me much different. Those dreams have a particular tone and themes. This was like other dreams I've had, if we want to call them that, but not like my usual body signals.

You might want to apply a rational interpretation to what I'm about to relate and that's fine, I've done that too. There could very well be more of gravy than of grave about this, to borrow from Mr. Dickens. But I'm not convinced that's all there is to it. In my experience, nothing is ever just this or that, but inextricably linked with everything else. So I'm going to write it as I experienced it and leave it there. Red pill down...diving into the hole.

You may have read about my past experiences in spiritualism. When one does that, certain things change and don't go back.  Like many things in life, once you cross a line, you can't uncross it.

So last night, through a series of dream events, I found myself on a dock in a swamp with a couple unidentified people. There was a stroller with a baby in it. Somehow it was brought up that it was now widely accepted that it was not Lucifer who had been responsible for a certain unclear historical event involving a baby, but in fact, Lilith. I was alarmed at the mention because in spiritual realms to mention is to court the presence of, and in waking life...ok, we'll go with that...in waking life I had encountered lilith before and she is terrifying in the true sense.

Just then, as the dread of how she might appear was coming on me, a snake-like tentacle glided up on the dock from the water. The end had been cleaved off like an octopus in a Japanese restaurant. I yelled to the others that she was here and quickly kicked the writhing thing away only to find another reaching up. They grabbed the stroller and turned it over, spilling what had been the baby into the water, but fortunately it was now only blankets. (Thank God! My dreams are not always so sanitized.)

My heart quivered within me as a white shapeless molten form rose up from the water with the serpent arms. It quickly began to take a female shape as if moving through stages of plasticene scuplture until even the snake tails became human arms. There she stood with black hair and hellish eyes, a demonic half-smile on the well-formed mouth. She was larger than a human by at least double and stood in the swampy water while still extending above my head where I stood on the dock.

She addressed me familiarly. I quickly remembered in my fear that the only course was to resist and call for help. Demons have no inherant power, they are merely self-negations, perversions of created things. So in reality, they can only decieve and frighten. But if you've never encountered one like this, trust me, that fear is enough to make you forget your wits.

Therefore, rather than answer a single word and open the door for her, I rebuked that she was not wanted. Like Saruman in LOTR, if you let them speak, they'll get in your head in a heart beat. Like Gozer, you have to clear your mind. Or since that's impossible, you have to fill it with truth and higher power, which they can't combat. So I continued to shout that I was a son of Jesus (not sure where that wording came from) and that she had no power over me. She had no power here. That was all I could yell and I clung to it fiercely while trying to stay between her and the others.

She fought back with everything she had and the battle lasted several minutes.

 As I gained some confidence I began to thrust my presence forward at her, like a spiritual shove with every affirmation and rebuke. Finally, she turned and fled, gliding over the water to a nearby road. I turned to chase her, wanting to kill her once and for all. She flew into a box truck, like UPS, only white like a bread truck, and drove away.

I quickly gave up pursuit realizing that it was not for me to kill one like her. Only to resist...which I had done...and she had fled...SHE had FLED! The mother of demons that had engendered such fear on my part had fled at my resistance! The original succubus that had plagued me for so many years in various forms had been driven out of my mind...in very literal dream imagery!

I woke with a start thinking I had only just drifted off to sleep, but it was morning. The battle had taken all night, but it was over.

Is this a bit of badly digested food? A phantasm of my hypersensitive body? Maybe, but maybe that pharmacaea opened the door for something more. Is the demon driven out? Is the hold broken on me? It's too soon to tell.

But I think it was Black Elk who said that you can tell a dream from a vision by how well it stays in your mind when you wake. This has shaken me to the point that I had to look more into it this morning.

I dared to look up lilith and to my surpise, I found she is often portrayed as partly serpent. I tell you, no where in my memory does that reference occur. I can't even recall looking for images of her. She is also often drawn with a certain dark-haired appearance, which she had assumed in my encounter. I'm not making conclusions. I can rationally surmise an explanation that still perfectly suits the outcome.  But you know what? I don't really care what really happened, or what "real" even means. I care only about True, and in any case, this is a true story. Ding Dong the witch is gone! And I'm celebrating that for all it's worth. Thank God for deliverance and I pray it's for good!

Perfect World

Imagine a world where every person was supported in developing their skills to the fullest potential.  But in this world, people don't have to compete for a few choice jobs, opportunities, etc.  For every person, a perfectly suited life is available.  A fulfilling job that uses their skills can afford them a home that perfectly provides their needs for shelter, space, and style.  They'll earn enough to afford all the necessities and a good deal of comforts.

In this world, social relationships are most important.  Society is built to encourage interaction and division is a thing of the past.  People are different, but differences aren't a source of contention, nor even of passive separation, but truly integrated and celebrated.

Power is not abused.  People necessarily need to have coordinators and conductors, "leaders" in a sense, but only in so far as function without an ounce of personal pride or cowtowing from those being coordinated.  These "leaders" will fully understand that they are the servants of and dependent on those under them.

Likewise in such a culture of respect, no one would be looked down on for the position they occupy, nor despise doing work that is "beneath them" because there is no hierarchy.  Concepts like 'beneath', would be purely and literally locational.

Science has advanced to the point that people most fully understand the integration of the world.  And where they don't, they know enough to stop manipulating things in damaging ways.  Health of humans extends to animals, plants, and the world as a whole.  People understand that every action affects the whole system and the system affects every action.  Because of this, sickness is a thing of the past.  Pollution is no more.  Mental illness is eradicated.

Because of the emotional and physical health of people, when things start to break down, it does not become a train wreck, cascade failure, but is absorbed in the understanding embrace of society and the world.  Truly healing and restoring such that even crime disappeared.

Sounds great right?  Regardless of what you believe, I bet you were reading this thinking how it fits your ideal world.  But I got this directly from Jesus.  This is what he taught.  If you didn't recognize that, I invite you to look at the Bible (particularly the first five books of the New Testament) with open eyes this Christmas and see if I'm not right.

Slipping

I feel myself slipping down again.  It's not a good feeling, but something I've grown used to.  It feels like a dark cloud forming.  I'm more on edge, quicker to burst out angry, more likely to take offence at things, less likely to be as busy as I usually am. 

Normally I keep the demons at bay through constant occupation.  Even rest is occupation.  Sometimes I welcome getting sick, even though I fight like mad to NOT get sick.  Once I am, I can just let go and rest.  But in these times, the lack of doing is more just because it all seems futile and worthless.

People always say, "Let me know if you feel that way."  But that's just the problem isn't it?  I'm never going to...If I could I wouldn't need the help.  And when I feel good enough to let someone know, they don't believe it, don't remember it, don't notice it, or aren't around to be able to.  We'll see if this post ever makes it onto the blog.  I'm going to try hard to let it stand.

I don't even know what help would be.  No amount of talking it through will do anything about it.  I've read enough on CBT and tried it to know it won't stick.  That stuff all requires a willing participant.  Sure there's probably a good deal I don't know about that stuff, but the effort to sift through the crap with someone to get to the good stuff just makes it seem like more of a burden.

But I know it will pass.  It always does.  I surround myself with precautions when I feel it coming enough to avoid serious consequences.  I'll still go to work, look the same as always, joke, etc.  I know from seeing it in others that if you know what to look for, you can tell the difference.  But most people can't or don't bother.  It's truly a closed world.  If you haven't been there, you don't understand.  You can't.

So what helps?  I don't know.  Time.  Prayer. I always delve deeper into those regions during these times.  Someone seeing it for what it is and piercing the cloud.  It happens on rare occasions and those people are instantly locked in my heart forever.

But like I said, I know it will pass and the only way past is through.  We'll see how it goes this time.

Seen

It's late and this blog is raw, so I hope it explains, if not excuses, my waxing poetic. Sometimes I just see something or in this case someone. See deeper than what is visible on the surface, deeper than what they may even hope to project. Who knows, it may all just be my own mental projections and fancy. But this late and in this blog space I'm going to take my perception as granted. Truthfully,  whether this is factually true or not, my perception and therefore my reaction in the moment, are valid.

It's like the veil parts just enough to see the reality. Like seeing with Elvish eyes. Or better still with Glass Eyes, as in the story of Glass Dogs I wrote.

And the one this is about may actually read this. If so, you'll know who you are. You are a dark princess. You can find the beauty in darkness and ugliness. You sometimes cast yourself as a devil, but I see you and I know this is far from the truth because like Harry and Luna we both see the Thestrals. Not of death, but of true demons. And no one who knows this reality can do anything but react away from it.

I see you and you are beautiful. One of the Haibane, grey feathered angels.  You feel so deeply the slight wind of an offhand remark can send you searching and doubting how you might have caused pain.

You fear and doubt and struggle and you know how to put on a brave face. Sometimes we have to powder those grey wings. But your heart is so large it bursts out in spite of you and I for one, love the elegant mess you try to hide.

Don't worry. I can be trusted with this. I won't even let on more than a moment's slightly deeper look or slightly warmer hug. We are kindred. I see you and I think you see me too. And I want you to know that I see even deeper. Perhaps deeper than you see yourself. Inside that beautifully churning complexity you are, there is a radiantly gorgeous daughter of Truth and Goodness that makes you shimmer in glorious living light. Entrained with all the life you have given, all the good you have done, even in spite of yourself. Elven princess. The King's lost daughter. The terrifying Pan will bring you home at last.

You are lovely and loving. Perfect imperfection. And for all you are and are not, all that is you, just as you are. I see you in there. And even though I know there is far more I don't see in the infinite spaces inside your heart, I see enough to love you.

Proximity, Novelty, and Frequency

When something happens like the Las Vegas shooting, it is natural for people to talk about it for awhile.  But a glaring cultural and personal fallacy is revealed here.

At risk of sounding cold, this event is not unique.  Random violence and bloody death of regular people occurs all over the world all the time.  These are all tragic acts committed by tragically damaged people.  They are all available to us in near real time.  Most of us can't even say we don't KNOW it happens in a purely logical sense. (We may not THINK about it, but we KNOW it if we take a second.)  Yet most of us never acknowledge that it occurs.

So why is it such a big deal this time?

The answer is simply the perception of proximity.  Because it occurs in a place we might go, or relatively close to a place we currently are.  But this is a fallacy, because if you live in Florida, for example, you are physically closer or equally close to places where this occurs all the time.  Namely, the Caribbean and Central America.

You might say, "but this is our country."  Sure.  But there is no physical barrier between those places and this one.  I can be in Mexico from Tampa in a day's drive.  And truthfully, that statement reveals a flaw and a fallacy.  The flaw: cultural bigotry, and the fallacy: novelty.

Because this event is different from what we usually experience, we take note.  This is a fallacy because for the vast majority of Americans our lives have not been disrupted by the event.  If we hadn't heard about it yet, as would have been the case 200 years ago, we would still be going on as if nothing happened.  So why do we feel different because we know of it?  Again, I'm not saying this isn't tragic nor terribly affecting for those directly involved or with family and friends who were.  Hang with me, I'm going somewhere with this.  The reason is simply because of how we associate the event.  It FEELS closer, newer.

Lastly, we are affected because of the sheer frequency of reports.  What was in reality one event with a finite number of tragedies is reported and discussed endlessly, even when there is nothing new or only marginally new.  The truth is we can't do anything with all that info anyway, so it just serves to rile us up, which is exactly the goal of the commercially driven news.  Please do us all a favor and stop using those sources.  You do realize that Houston is still a wreck, but you never hear about it any more because it doesn't generate the traffic after a while. 

This feeling of inescapability is a fallacy.  Statistically, it is now only slightly more likely that it will happen to you.  In REALITY, it is NO more likely, not one bit, now than it was prior.  It's just in your head.

What troubles me most is the inconsistency.  We can be so unaffected by the same or worse suffering for such silly reasons as it isn't in a place or context we connect with and it isn't thrown up in our face constantly.  But then very affected by something that is in reality no different, simply because our mind associates it differently!  This should bother us.