I look up from my place and see the Shepherd coming in. He sits down. He seems tired. My belly hurts. I crawl over and place my head against his thigh. He rubs my head behind my ear and under my chin. It feels good, reassuring.
Then he kneels in front of me and takes my head in both his hands. He gently lifts my eyes to his. Then he lays his forehead against mine. His eyes match mine, his nose on top of my nose. He whispers some words. I can't understand them; I am just a dog. But they sound wonderful, mysterious, full of meaning. I wish I could understand them.
Then I feel the words pass into me; from my ears and face they go all the way down through me and into my belly. And the pain there stops.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
Time warp
Have you noticed that time passes differently based on your particular perception of it? If we are busy it tends to pass quickly. If we're bored, it drags. But what time is cannot really be defined. We can tell that a duration has passed, but we can't measure it except by tracking some cycle within space. This is still a function of our perception. So if the rotation of that atom or star were to change speed, we would only be able to know it by the relation of it to another object also bound in space and time.
Think of it like an airplane. If there were no windows to see things moving past you, you'd have no idea whether you were actually moving or not because everything in the plane would be moving at the same rate, whether that rate was faster or slower, everything would continue to move in unison and you'd never know how fast it was going. Same goes for time. For all we know, time may actually not be static and might actually pass at different rates which we can't perceive because we can't step outside of it to find a fixed point of reference.
One thing that certainly seems to slow time is expectation. I've been looking forward to many things lately. Not in the sense of enjoyment, but simply, a lot of things to keep track of in the near future. This made the previous month drag like none other. I'm glad it's over so some of those things can actually occur and time can go back to the pace I usually perceive.
But this led me to remember something Augustine, the philosopher and theologian said. He talked a lot about time and said that what we call future is really just expectation of something coming into being. The past is the memory of that moment which no longer exists. So that makes the present the point between expecting something and remembering it...which really has no space at all. If you squeeze your conscious perception of time passing down to the smallest moment you can grasp, you'll experience an infinitesimally small point at which the future is sliding into the past, the expectation becoming memory. It seems to rocket by and can actually be quite dizzying. Try it right now and see. Faster than sand through a funnel, moments of potential are becoming memories and we can't hold on to any one of those points.
This tiny point that occupies no area, no space, no time, is the present. The eternal now. And that is all that really exists. If I focus on it too much, I seem to see everything around me like Neo seeing the matrix code; in constant flux through an infinitely minute Now.
At this point I also usually experience a sublimity. Something enormous and palpably greater than myself. It's there. And if I chase it, try to focus on it, I find that it's focusing right back at me. And that's where I usually lose it. My mind starts to unravel and the window closes, thankfully, so I can exist without being dissolved into that present.
I believe that this is a glimpse of the nature and reality of God. Not some man in the sky. If that's what you think then your conception of God is far too small. I'm talking about the Source of all sources. The prime. The thing from which all that is derives its being. And by many other philosophical proofs, I could demonstrate why it must be personal. In short, it can't be a nameless force or a reflection of my own infinity because it must needs be something higher than my faculty to perceive it or contemplate it. So if I can regard it, how much more would the source have to be capable of regarding? If I can think of it, how much more must it, first and to a greater degree, think of me. But there are treatises (literally) on this, and I invite you to do your own homework on it.
My point is that where else could such a being (even "being" is too small a word) exist but in the only spaceless, timeless space that does exist? That ever-present, unchanging Now. In that point, I can access the big bang. I can understand the origin of the universe. I can know the meaning of knowing. I can experience what IS on a deeper level than can be cognitively processed. It's right there all the time. Seriously try it, see what you experience.
Think of it like an airplane. If there were no windows to see things moving past you, you'd have no idea whether you were actually moving or not because everything in the plane would be moving at the same rate, whether that rate was faster or slower, everything would continue to move in unison and you'd never know how fast it was going. Same goes for time. For all we know, time may actually not be static and might actually pass at different rates which we can't perceive because we can't step outside of it to find a fixed point of reference.
One thing that certainly seems to slow time is expectation. I've been looking forward to many things lately. Not in the sense of enjoyment, but simply, a lot of things to keep track of in the near future. This made the previous month drag like none other. I'm glad it's over so some of those things can actually occur and time can go back to the pace I usually perceive.
But this led me to remember something Augustine, the philosopher and theologian said. He talked a lot about time and said that what we call future is really just expectation of something coming into being. The past is the memory of that moment which no longer exists. So that makes the present the point between expecting something and remembering it...which really has no space at all. If you squeeze your conscious perception of time passing down to the smallest moment you can grasp, you'll experience an infinitesimally small point at which the future is sliding into the past, the expectation becoming memory. It seems to rocket by and can actually be quite dizzying. Try it right now and see. Faster than sand through a funnel, moments of potential are becoming memories and we can't hold on to any one of those points.
This tiny point that occupies no area, no space, no time, is the present. The eternal now. And that is all that really exists. If I focus on it too much, I seem to see everything around me like Neo seeing the matrix code; in constant flux through an infinitely minute Now.
At this point I also usually experience a sublimity. Something enormous and palpably greater than myself. It's there. And if I chase it, try to focus on it, I find that it's focusing right back at me. And that's where I usually lose it. My mind starts to unravel and the window closes, thankfully, so I can exist without being dissolved into that present.
I believe that this is a glimpse of the nature and reality of God. Not some man in the sky. If that's what you think then your conception of God is far too small. I'm talking about the Source of all sources. The prime. The thing from which all that is derives its being. And by many other philosophical proofs, I could demonstrate why it must be personal. In short, it can't be a nameless force or a reflection of my own infinity because it must needs be something higher than my faculty to perceive it or contemplate it. So if I can regard it, how much more would the source have to be capable of regarding? If I can think of it, how much more must it, first and to a greater degree, think of me. But there are treatises (literally) on this, and I invite you to do your own homework on it.
My point is that where else could such a being (even "being" is too small a word) exist but in the only spaceless, timeless space that does exist? That ever-present, unchanging Now. In that point, I can access the big bang. I can understand the origin of the universe. I can know the meaning of knowing. I can experience what IS on a deeper level than can be cognitively processed. It's right there all the time. Seriously try it, see what you experience.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Animal
I feel like a wild animal. This bears explanation because most people probably think something other than what I mean by the phrase. Wild animals are cautious and wary. But they are also calm and calculating. They alertly size up any situation and react in predictable ways.
The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.
But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.
I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.
Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.
I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.
Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.
This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.
Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.
This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.
The reason most people don't see this is because they are too out of touch to get close. The wild things know they are coming far before they get there. But if you learn to be more wild, you'll be amazed at what you see. Imagine being the one who surprises them! It's not that hard.
But anyway, I feel like this most of the time. I do not like being seen unless I intend to. I like to be aware, to read situations for danger or instability. If it looks unsafe, my guard never drops. Sometimes this looks like inattention, but it's exactly the opposite. I'm either distracted by something I need to track, or there are too many things to allow focus on any one for long.
I have pretty set behavior patterns. What's mine is mine, what's not mine is not my concern. I share freely, and do not take more than I need. But I expect the same courtesy. You are welcome to shared space, and I won't bother your space, but stay the **** out of mine unless I allow it. And those lines are pretty clear.
Wild animals do not just attack. They attack in order to eat, in which case, they do not over kill. Or they attack for defense. And usually after ample warning. I have faced alligators, snakes, sharks, hogs, deer, dogs, raccoons, wild goats, even wasps and spiders. None ever attack wantonly. In fact it's pretty hard to get them to do it. They'll take large amounts of harassment first. But when they do attack, it's not play time. They are trying to end the conflict decisively. Once it's over, there's no further problem, though they may be warier next time.
I too, hate conflict. But I also hate being messed with. So when things escalate, I'm not playing and one or both of us will be hurt in serious ways. Trust me, I'm seeking to end the conflict as decisively as possible. I may not be the biggest or most threatening, but my advantage is that, by that point, I'm not holding back. And I'm preparing for this far before most people would be. So it's best to heed the warnings. No "bucking up", no rules. I will disable the threat as quickly as possible. When I engage know that I will attempt to permanently injure or kill. I don't want to do that. So for God's sake, don't push it.
Is that scary? Only if you plan to push it. It's not berserk here. It's just wild. The other side of wild is the tender soft side. Wild animals are not monsters. They are loving and feeling in proportion to their kind. They are intensely loyal, and often quite forgiving and generous. For them, there is only one way to be, and that is the right way. They make mistakes and they learn. But no wild thing ever tries to be bad, or cheat, or ruin. They simply are what the were made to be and strive to do that to perfection. We hate being trapped. We are most whole and happy when free and in the wild.
This is me. I've known for a while, but it was freshly opened to me recently. If you know me, I'm sure you can see how this fits. If I'm confusing somehow, see if this doesn't help explain.
Is this normal? Certainly not in the statistical sense. I don't know about any other senses. Is there a place for me in this world? Yes. But our culture hates wildness. The fear/control complex requires that since it, by definition can't be controlled, it must be eliminated, or at least driven from daily awareness.
This is a hard realization. To know that your people will always misunderstand, manipulate, and try to control the very thing that most defines you, and you with it.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Is this new?
After my recent cycle into darkness, I am starting to feel better. Not 100%, but better. I'm still working out some things about causes, triggers, etc. No major metanoia either though.
But I did have one realization as the light started to dawn in my world again. I've been faking things pretty darn well. I actually do it a lot. It probably started as a survival mechanism somewhere. But I remember coming to a point years ago where I had to let things out. It helped me stay out of the dark. But I developed a reputation for being really angry. I kept my head pretty well, but I would verbally rail about things that upset me and there were lots of them.
Overtime, I had thought I'd gotten rid of that. Calmed down. But recently I've found that same part of me still there, still as angry. It hadn't come back. It just never left. I guess I'd been repressing it.
Actually, I hate being angry. It's really just a sort of snarling out of fear and frustration. See, it all comes back to cages. I hate being pent up. I don't know why. I'm not claustrophobic or anything, it's more an internal sort of thing. When I'm being boxed in, given a situation where there's no way out, I start to get like any intelligent animal in a cage gets. They either get mean, go crazy, or give up. And mean is the most conducive to survival. Crazy just means they've won, and giving up feels worse than anything. That's where the demons are. So anger it is.
But anyway, my point is that I had become pretty good at faking the right attitude. Even in my spiritual life, I know what a mature Christian should exhibit, and I can put that on. I can also pull off just the right mix of humility and power to make people think I'm pretty darn holy. I even learned to mix in a good deal of truth with it such that I flat out tell people I'm bad, but do it in a way that they don't believe me. I'm serious about this. I know how to pause, tone my voice, phrase my words and make what I want to say seem wise or mysterious or even beyond my years. I even fooled myself into believing it. Seriously. That's what I've just learned. I haven't really grown much at all.
Now in some ways I have, sure. I could go into those but that would make this over-long. But in this deep root area, I have not changed much at all. The fruits of the spirit are just not there. I know how to make them look like they're there, but that's not the same thing. It's not. What's real is the natural outpouring of the heart when we're not trying.
What's been coming out of me lately means I'm either possessed or have just opened up a dark corner of my internal house and found it has been rotting in there for a long time. I don't want to go into what made me realize this, but suffice to say you'll probably imagine it worse than it was outwardly, but if I told you, you'd imagine it far less than it was inwardly. So I won't say.
But this made me think of how that could happen. How could I pursue virtue and good character and not find even a little of it? I think it's because I'm pursuing the wrong thing. You see, any time we Christians lay an expectation on another, we force them, be it insidiously slight or brashly overt, to ACT like we tell them they should. It's all about the DIY. Fruits are love, joy, peace, patience... So I'll just be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient. I won't be perfect, but heck, we're all sinners saved by grace, right? It's the try that counts and the more we try, the more we actually become. Fake it till you make it!
This is wrong. God wants us not to love him from obligation or expectation. He wants us to genuinely love him. He'd rather us reject him than pretend. This is the only explanation that makes sense. So if I'm doing something good that my heart's not into, I might as well not do it. Better to be bad and honest than good and a liar because the first leads to real life, while the other leads to white-washed tombs.
So this part isn't new. I've blogged about it before. But what is new is the realization that I am one of the tombs. If it took a trip to hell to open my eyes to that, then I thank God for it. I've got to quit this, but I can't. So I have to re-learn it all from this perspective. He does the work. I just grow however he grows me; I can't, sow, hoe, water, and prune myself.
So if you think I've fallen off the deep end, you were just one of those I duped. Please don't try to draw me back in. It's hard to stay honest in this. And I'm faking it enough already in writing this so cleanly.
But I did have one realization as the light started to dawn in my world again. I've been faking things pretty darn well. I actually do it a lot. It probably started as a survival mechanism somewhere. But I remember coming to a point years ago where I had to let things out. It helped me stay out of the dark. But I developed a reputation for being really angry. I kept my head pretty well, but I would verbally rail about things that upset me and there were lots of them.
Overtime, I had thought I'd gotten rid of that. Calmed down. But recently I've found that same part of me still there, still as angry. It hadn't come back. It just never left. I guess I'd been repressing it.
Actually, I hate being angry. It's really just a sort of snarling out of fear and frustration. See, it all comes back to cages. I hate being pent up. I don't know why. I'm not claustrophobic or anything, it's more an internal sort of thing. When I'm being boxed in, given a situation where there's no way out, I start to get like any intelligent animal in a cage gets. They either get mean, go crazy, or give up. And mean is the most conducive to survival. Crazy just means they've won, and giving up feels worse than anything. That's where the demons are. So anger it is.
But anyway, my point is that I had become pretty good at faking the right attitude. Even in my spiritual life, I know what a mature Christian should exhibit, and I can put that on. I can also pull off just the right mix of humility and power to make people think I'm pretty darn holy. I even learned to mix in a good deal of truth with it such that I flat out tell people I'm bad, but do it in a way that they don't believe me. I'm serious about this. I know how to pause, tone my voice, phrase my words and make what I want to say seem wise or mysterious or even beyond my years. I even fooled myself into believing it. Seriously. That's what I've just learned. I haven't really grown much at all.
Now in some ways I have, sure. I could go into those but that would make this over-long. But in this deep root area, I have not changed much at all. The fruits of the spirit are just not there. I know how to make them look like they're there, but that's not the same thing. It's not. What's real is the natural outpouring of the heart when we're not trying.
What's been coming out of me lately means I'm either possessed or have just opened up a dark corner of my internal house and found it has been rotting in there for a long time. I don't want to go into what made me realize this, but suffice to say you'll probably imagine it worse than it was outwardly, but if I told you, you'd imagine it far less than it was inwardly. So I won't say.
But this made me think of how that could happen. How could I pursue virtue and good character and not find even a little of it? I think it's because I'm pursuing the wrong thing. You see, any time we Christians lay an expectation on another, we force them, be it insidiously slight or brashly overt, to ACT like we tell them they should. It's all about the DIY. Fruits are love, joy, peace, patience... So I'll just be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient. I won't be perfect, but heck, we're all sinners saved by grace, right? It's the try that counts and the more we try, the more we actually become. Fake it till you make it!
This is wrong. God wants us not to love him from obligation or expectation. He wants us to genuinely love him. He'd rather us reject him than pretend. This is the only explanation that makes sense. So if I'm doing something good that my heart's not into, I might as well not do it. Better to be bad and honest than good and a liar because the first leads to real life, while the other leads to white-washed tombs.
So this part isn't new. I've blogged about it before. But what is new is the realization that I am one of the tombs. If it took a trip to hell to open my eyes to that, then I thank God for it. I've got to quit this, but I can't. So I have to re-learn it all from this perspective. He does the work. I just grow however he grows me; I can't, sow, hoe, water, and prune myself.
So if you think I've fallen off the deep end, you were just one of those I duped. Please don't try to draw me back in. It's hard to stay honest in this. And I'm faking it enough already in writing this so cleanly.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Poured
"Christians devour each other." This is a quote I once read in an article by a Christian who was quoting his athiest friend who was observing why he isn't a Christian. It's very true.
I feel poured out. Stretched at every point. People want things and they want more and more and more. Like my cup is draining faster than filling. And then some people ask for things they don't really want you to give them.
I do public work. So what I do isn't just inconsequential money-making tasks. It's things that enable most of you do your inconsequential money-making tasks, and I do them at a level that is involved in the decisions and planning. So it is not boasting to say that what I do affects all of you who live in the same area and has lasting impacts into the future. It's just so invisible to your daily lives that you don't even know it's going on. But I digress.
My point is that even in this, a coworker was saying today, "It's as if they ask us to make something better because they have to, but they really just want to keep doing the same old thing, so they make it something super difficult to actually accomplish with little resources, and when we figure out a way to do it anyway, they say, 'oh s***!, we never thought they'd actually do it!' So they have to make it artificially difficult."
So I get it from all sides. And in the place I should find rest and comfort, I find people saying, "well if your joy isn't complete you just have to..." It's all on my effort. Even if that effort is simply believing something, or thinking something, or seeing something differently. I don't know if these people are well-meaning candy-eyed types who have never really known darkness, or if they're just clones spitting whatever script they can access from a motivational poster, or if they are just as screwed up and think they need to mask it by saying the 'right' thing.
Well, I'm stepping out and saying that for some of us, it isn't that easy. If I were to hound you about running and tell you that you just need to run faster. You just need stronger muscles, a better heart, more endurance! You'd look at me and say, "easy for you to say." Well why is it any different with a mental or emotional condition. I can't help it! I know all the stuff you're saying. I just can't make it any different! Don't you think I've tried? I promise you I'm not one of those people who just want to play the victim. and even if I was, maybe I couldn't help that either!
Why are you so quick to explain and categorize and answer? You obviously don't get it, or you're a liar. Either way, you make it abundantly clear that I can't reveal this part of me to you. So you rob from me a place to find rest. You force a tired soul out into the night again because there's obviously no room in your inn for the likes of me.
Even still, for your sake, I hope God doesn't lay my blood on your hands because I don't think you know what you do. And I've been to hell, just went back for a visit actually. Trust me, you don't want to go.
I feel poured out. Stretched at every point. People want things and they want more and more and more. Like my cup is draining faster than filling. And then some people ask for things they don't really want you to give them.
I do public work. So what I do isn't just inconsequential money-making tasks. It's things that enable most of you do your inconsequential money-making tasks, and I do them at a level that is involved in the decisions and planning. So it is not boasting to say that what I do affects all of you who live in the same area and has lasting impacts into the future. It's just so invisible to your daily lives that you don't even know it's going on. But I digress.
My point is that even in this, a coworker was saying today, "It's as if they ask us to make something better because they have to, but they really just want to keep doing the same old thing, so they make it something super difficult to actually accomplish with little resources, and when we figure out a way to do it anyway, they say, 'oh s***!, we never thought they'd actually do it!' So they have to make it artificially difficult."
So I get it from all sides. And in the place I should find rest and comfort, I find people saying, "well if your joy isn't complete you just have to..." It's all on my effort. Even if that effort is simply believing something, or thinking something, or seeing something differently. I don't know if these people are well-meaning candy-eyed types who have never really known darkness, or if they're just clones spitting whatever script they can access from a motivational poster, or if they are just as screwed up and think they need to mask it by saying the 'right' thing.
Well, I'm stepping out and saying that for some of us, it isn't that easy. If I were to hound you about running and tell you that you just need to run faster. You just need stronger muscles, a better heart, more endurance! You'd look at me and say, "easy for you to say." Well why is it any different with a mental or emotional condition. I can't help it! I know all the stuff you're saying. I just can't make it any different! Don't you think I've tried? I promise you I'm not one of those people who just want to play the victim. and even if I was, maybe I couldn't help that either!
Why are you so quick to explain and categorize and answer? You obviously don't get it, or you're a liar. Either way, you make it abundantly clear that I can't reveal this part of me to you. So you rob from me a place to find rest. You force a tired soul out into the night again because there's obviously no room in your inn for the likes of me.
Even still, for your sake, I hope God doesn't lay my blood on your hands because I don't think you know what you do. And I've been to hell, just went back for a visit actually. Trust me, you don't want to go.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
New Wine
Think of a world of goodness. A world of hope and happiness in which people are fulfilled and not wronged. A place where you are known for who you are and you can drop the masks of conformity and social acceptance. A place where things are as they should be.
Doesn't exist, right? Many people have promised it in one form or another. Many have sought it in one form or another. Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization. But our hearts know when it isn't there, right? Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.
I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper. That we had to follow him. That all we had to do was accept his free gift. Well, accept it and truly believe it. That, and stop doing bad things. Oh, and go to church, learn about him. Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life. Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes. Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness. That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do. Of course, we can't judge. Some of them could actually be saved. But definitely not those over there.
God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind? Who can keep that up? It's insidious and wicked to the core! It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid. So if that's what hope is, I can't have it. And without hope, there's only nihilism. A dry empty desert of never-ending grey. No direction, no purpose. Just blind existence. Nothing matters. Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.
But in that place, something broke through in me. It was fresh and bright and full of energy. I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands. Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know. I was just glad to have breath. To see light. To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it. While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked. I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.
If it ate me up, I didn't care. That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.
It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught. So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy. If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light. How could I not! This thing was palpable. I couldn't go back to that death. But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught. When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said. They said things that flared that light inside me. Things I didn't find anywhere else.
Now I've blogged enough about my darkness. That cloud in my flesh never really goes away. But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see. And I mean that, no one. And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.
But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare! Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?
Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are. But most of those that think they get it don't. They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system. But you can't!
I'm telling you all, you know who you are. You can't rein it in because it isn't in me. You can't rein me in because I'm in it. It's so much bigger. You touch it and then try to bottle it. But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth. I don't steer it, box, it, guide it. It guides me! It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me. In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.
See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying. You think you've got it. We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible. "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart. Yeah, that's because they're describing this! It just isn't what you think it is!! If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me. You'd look at me like you know what I know. I can tell man! I know because I came to it from the outside. I couldn't see it from the inside either.
So you know what? I'm done with it. I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted. New wine skins for new wine, yeah?
The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you. But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error. We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate. You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."
But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading. Because I know you'll come sooner or later. Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta. And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way: Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen. Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms. See what happens. Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response. Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled. Don't believe me? Try it.
To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel. Chase it down where you find it. That love won't lead you too far off. And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me. I mean that. I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it. We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.
Doesn't exist, right? Many people have promised it in one form or another. Many have sought it in one form or another. Many try to bluff us into believing it is in a certain system or organization. But our hearts know when it isn't there, right? Deep down, they can't lie and we know when we're being fooled.
I was taught that Jesus was the way to all those things. That it didn't exist in this world, but it would in the place called heaven where no bad thing could enter. That Jesus was the gatekeeper. That we had to follow him. That all we had to do was accept his free gift. Well, accept it and truly believe it. That, and stop doing bad things. Oh, and go to church, learn about him. Yeah, and memorize Bible verses, and not listen to music that was too wild...unless the band was Christian, but then only if they really acted like it because you know people say they are, but the proof is in their life. Which, while we're at it, let's talk about your clothes. Oh, and of course, you HAVE to witness. That's everyone's job because there's so many people out there going to hell because they don't believe right, which we can tell because they don't do all the things we do. Of course, we can't judge. Some of them could actually be saved. But definitely not those over there.
God help me! Is it any wonder I lost my mind? Who can keep that up? It's insidious and wicked to the core! It eats up those who spew it like stomach acid. So if that's what hope is, I can't have it. And without hope, there's only nihilism. A dry empty desert of never-ending grey. No direction, no purpose. Just blind existence. Nothing matters. Maybe I'll just die today and think, 'finally' as the life slips out of me and I release the curse of consciousness.
But in that place, something broke through in me. It was fresh and bright and full of energy. I didn't know what it was, but it appeared, when I could see it, with strong male arms and hands. Of course, I pretended it must be Jesus because that's what I had been taught, but I didn't really know. I was just glad to have breath. To see light. To see that the world was hopeless because the hope was outside of it. While I didn't know who or what that was, I was hooked. I didn't care, something inside was screaming that was what I needed.
If it ate me up, I didn't care. That was life and I needed it. Like heat migrates to cold, it was soaking into me and I didn't want it to stop.
It wasn't at all like the Jesus I had been taught. So I dropped what I knew like a broken toy. If Jesus and this light went two separate directions, I was following the light. How could I not! This thing was palpable. I couldn't go back to that death. But the weird thing is, the more I tried to shake off the Jesus I had been taught, the more I kept finding he wasn't really what I had been taught. When I read his words with my own fresh eyes, they didn't say what I had been taught they said. They said things that flared that light inside me. Things I didn't find anywhere else.
Now I've blogged enough about my darkness. That cloud in my flesh never really goes away. But deep inside, there's still this place of light that no one gets to see. And I mean that, no one. And from that place of freedom come all kinds of good things that make people look at me like I'm from some other planet.
But then, I keep trying to find others who share this understanding and in every church, in every group, I find sparks of it, that quickly get smothered by a heap of stinking wet leaves every time they flare! Why is it that people can't stop heaping their own death on the living fire?
Don't get me wrong, some have and we get along like the kindred spirits we are. But most of those that think they get it don't. They try to pull me in, they see something in me they can't place, but they like it, so they try to rein it into their system. But you can't!
I'm telling you all, you know who you are. You can't rein it in because it isn't in me. You can't rein me in because I'm in it. It's so much bigger. You touch it and then try to bottle it. But it can't be bottled, and I have to be true to that light and truth. I don't steer it, box, it, guide it. It guides me! It...or He as I have come to know Him guides me. In my deep place where He sits, I know what's right and what isn't.
See, even now, you're searching your mental scripts for a place to stick what I'm saying. You think you've got it. We'll, I'll help you out...it's in the Bible. "Stand at the door and knock", "Come in to him and make my home with him", you're hearing the songs from Sunday School about Jesus in your heart. Yeah, that's because they're describing this! It just isn't what you think it is!! If it was, you wouldn't look at me like you can't quite get me. You'd look at me like you know what I know. I can tell man! I know because I came to it from the outside. I couldn't see it from the inside either.
So you know what? I'm done with it. I'm shaking the dust off and going to those who aren't tainted. New wine skins for new wine, yeah?
The very images you use to leave people in the dust who disagree with you are what I'm using to part ways with you. But unlike your understanding, I don't think it means you aren't worth my time or are in error. We just don't speak the same language and therefore we can't communicate. You think we do, but we don't because when I try to make a point, you say, "Yeah! and then go totally the other direction."
But I will leave you with a sign post in the direction I'm heading. Because I know you'll come sooner or later. Whether your rules involve authorities and buildings, or annointings and movements, or doings and houses, they're still performance-based systems motivated out of ought and should and gotta. And if you think yours isn't, test it in this way: Refuse or challenge what some leader in your system says should happen. Do it to them directly...politely, but in no uncertain terms. See what happens. Dollars to doughnuts, their reaction is severe, possibly angry, and rooted in threat response. Because people who don't line up show the cracks in their boxes and what can't be controlled must be expelled. Don't believe me? Try it.
To everyone else, don't be afraid to follow that light and good you feel. Chase it down where you find it. That love won't lead you too far off. And if anything I've said has sparked that in you, come find me. I mean that. I'll help you carry your baggage and I don't need to see what's inside it. We'll follow that light until we find that place to rest.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Judas
I've heard many people talk about Judas in different ways. His name is synonymous with betrayal, even outside of Christian circles. Teachings on him range across the spectrum. But most tend toward decidedly negative.
Here's the thing that doesn't make sense to me though. God chose him. It couldn't be otherwise, and Jesus actually says that. He also says that he was doomed for destruction. He says it would be better for him not to have been born. Really! This is Jesus talking. The guy who picked up the adulterer and turned away the people who would kill her for her faults. The friend of drunkards and traitors. Now he's saying this guy is less than dust? Doomed by God to the worst fate of any human ever?
OK. So some people reason around that by saying it was Judas' free will. He could have chosen otherwise. So what we're seeing in Jesus' statements is his foreknowledge. But Judas could have chosen another path, and didn't. So he's up the creek on his own account.
But then, what about forgiveness. Just like the adulterer. Am I to believe that one particular act could so define my eternal existence that I could be the most pitied soul in the universe? What kind of pressure is that? Good God, there's no hope for me, then! Sure, I've never had the opportunity to turn God Incarnate over to a tortuous death...but I would have! I've mocked. I've turned away. I've outright refused him as much to his face as I can get in this world. Yet I know in my deep places the feeling of peace and forgiveness I receive from God. Why doesn't Judas get the same from the unchanging God?
No, I would argue that he does. I don't know Judas. I could speculate on his personality and motives. Many have. But that's all pure fiction. We don't know. He could have been a misguided zealot, an addict who couldn't control himself, or Satan's own henchman. None of which would entirely be his own fault, and thereby giving God some responsibility for his creation with whatever neuro-chemical damage he may have had. I don't know. But the only way I can make sense of it is to remember that God is love. Jesus exemplifies forgiveness. Whatever the reason, Judas played a pivotal role in history and one that none of us in our right minds would want. (Sure if you don't believe Jesus was who he claimed to be, you might think differently, but we're not redefining the story here. We're taking it as it is presented. So if you're one of those people, pretend you aren't for a second and stay with my thinking long enough to get my point.) So I don't think Jesus is condemning him. I think he's pitying him.
Nothing fits these facts better than the model of a father, which conveniently, pervades the Bible. No good father wants his children to experience pain, to be sick, etc. But some kids are not well. Some make terrible choices that impact themselves and others. Some are given hard fates that must be dealt with. But through it all, a father wants to protect and heal his children. Even through grievous self-chosen wrong. What father wouldn't put his kid through rehab to get him clean? Even as he screams and cries for more of the poison. Or worse, who wouldn't bash his kid over the head if he was caught in the act of a rape? You'd still love and pity that kid, want to get them help, but that hurt needs to happen. If you think you'd just disown them, that's still proves my point. Sometimes the pain is so great you have to turn away and leave the kid to their own mess for a while.
So it's clear to me that Judas is not to be envied. But he stands to me as the epitomy of what our faith is about. And I would not be in the least surprised to find he has a very special and protected place in deep in the bosom of God where he can heal and be free of unwarranted pain. If this is not so, then like Paul, I say we Christians are to be pitied above all men.
Here's the thing that doesn't make sense to me though. God chose him. It couldn't be otherwise, and Jesus actually says that. He also says that he was doomed for destruction. He says it would be better for him not to have been born. Really! This is Jesus talking. The guy who picked up the adulterer and turned away the people who would kill her for her faults. The friend of drunkards and traitors. Now he's saying this guy is less than dust? Doomed by God to the worst fate of any human ever?
OK. So some people reason around that by saying it was Judas' free will. He could have chosen otherwise. So what we're seeing in Jesus' statements is his foreknowledge. But Judas could have chosen another path, and didn't. So he's up the creek on his own account.
But then, what about forgiveness. Just like the adulterer. Am I to believe that one particular act could so define my eternal existence that I could be the most pitied soul in the universe? What kind of pressure is that? Good God, there's no hope for me, then! Sure, I've never had the opportunity to turn God Incarnate over to a tortuous death...but I would have! I've mocked. I've turned away. I've outright refused him as much to his face as I can get in this world. Yet I know in my deep places the feeling of peace and forgiveness I receive from God. Why doesn't Judas get the same from the unchanging God?
No, I would argue that he does. I don't know Judas. I could speculate on his personality and motives. Many have. But that's all pure fiction. We don't know. He could have been a misguided zealot, an addict who couldn't control himself, or Satan's own henchman. None of which would entirely be his own fault, and thereby giving God some responsibility for his creation with whatever neuro-chemical damage he may have had. I don't know. But the only way I can make sense of it is to remember that God is love. Jesus exemplifies forgiveness. Whatever the reason, Judas played a pivotal role in history and one that none of us in our right minds would want. (Sure if you don't believe Jesus was who he claimed to be, you might think differently, but we're not redefining the story here. We're taking it as it is presented. So if you're one of those people, pretend you aren't for a second and stay with my thinking long enough to get my point.) So I don't think Jesus is condemning him. I think he's pitying him.
Nothing fits these facts better than the model of a father, which conveniently, pervades the Bible. No good father wants his children to experience pain, to be sick, etc. But some kids are not well. Some make terrible choices that impact themselves and others. Some are given hard fates that must be dealt with. But through it all, a father wants to protect and heal his children. Even through grievous self-chosen wrong. What father wouldn't put his kid through rehab to get him clean? Even as he screams and cries for more of the poison. Or worse, who wouldn't bash his kid over the head if he was caught in the act of a rape? You'd still love and pity that kid, want to get them help, but that hurt needs to happen. If you think you'd just disown them, that's still proves my point. Sometimes the pain is so great you have to turn away and leave the kid to their own mess for a while.
So it's clear to me that Judas is not to be envied. But he stands to me as the epitomy of what our faith is about. And I would not be in the least surprised to find he has a very special and protected place in deep in the bosom of God where he can heal and be free of unwarranted pain. If this is not so, then like Paul, I say we Christians are to be pitied above all men.
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