Funerals

I hate funerals. Actually it isn't funerals I hate, it's all the stuff that goes on at them. The concept of saying goodbye, laying to rest, praying for the soul...all of that I not only understand, but think is valuable. But then there's the false niceties, the put-on somberness, the forced sense of decorum. But lest I sound callous, let me explain.

Everyone grieves differently: some people sob openly, some get quiet, some get angry, some get silly, some even dodge the issue altogether. The problem is that when people are uncomfortable and emotions are high, as they are at funerals, they tend to take things too seriously or too personally. Considering that I don't tend to view things like most people, I don't tend to act like most people. I'm not saying I'm better...just different. As a good friend recently pointed out, I've been weird all my life, and always will be. I now recognize it as a gift from God. But it comes with the price of being often misunderstood. Nevertheless, at a funeral, eventually someone will think that I'm not acting properly, be that not grieving as they feel I should or committing some offense against the observer directly, and of course they will feel this must be dealt with. Or if I happen to be among one of those 'not out in the open' families, they will go about whispering or glaring or some other passive-aggressivity.

So no matter how hard I try, funerals rarely go well for me. If I grieve as fits me, people get offended. If I try to avoid that, I spend the whole time awkward and uncomfortable...which also draws attention. I just want to be left to process things in my own way!

I think the root of the issue is in my understanding of things. See, I actually believe that a soul lives on after death. So, as Bunyan said it, for people of faith, death is simply crossing the river they've lived beside for many years. It means the end of suffering, the end of temproal concerns. For many, this is a relief. I also believe that souls are outside of our space-time dynamic, so I don't have to be present for them to know my concerns or benefit from my prayers. They are far more aware of what I'm doing and thinking than any of us in this world.

So, it's hard for me to feel the same things that many people do at funerals. I recognize that those close to the deceased may be in pain, and I would never intentionally do or say anything to belittle that, but I can't pretend that things aren't as I believe they are.

So when I die, pray that God will welcome me. That I will pass through the fire without much loss, and that what is perishible will be quickly consumed. Rejoice for me that I am no longer the selfish, angry, anxious jerk that I fought so hard not to be in this world. And let each person process those facts as they see fit. Don't dare be offended if they sing, celebrate, cry, or wail.

Death

The last couple of posts have led this way and I have been reluctant to tackle it. All the more reason to do so, I suppose. It's not that I am uncomfortable with death; exactly the opposite. But it seems to me the greater portion of people I meet are very uncomfortable with it and that is the issue. How can you talk about something that freaks everyone out?

I'm not talking about one of those melodramatic goth type discussions...I'm talking about real and valid consideration. This is something everyone should consider. Afterall, we will all die! That is as certain as anything can be in this world. I suppose we could argue the finer semantic points on that too, but as I always say, feel free to comment to that effect and we can do it.

I suppose the uncomfortability with death comes at the root from fear. This is of course built upon by the culturally expected reactions to death and exacerbated by certain groups' over-stressing of physical life.

Regardless of what you believe about death, some things are indisputable. We will all die (leave this world). Everyone before us has. We are never safe from it, no matter how we manage risk. Others will be left alive after any death. Given at least these things, we ought to all make a much better effort to come to terms with it. Yet most of us spend the bulk of our lives ignoring it until it thrusts itself into our lives like an unwelcome and ugly spector. But it is no spector. Death has been our constant companion since the day of our conception. And you can't get much more real than the finality of death. Nothing spectral about that at all.

Certainly, your worldview will highly influence your view of death. Since I am a Christian and this is a blog from my perspective, I will address it in that way. But even if your faith is different, I bet you'll find these same currents of thought in your own tradition.

I have been accused of being callous and repressed, but I rarely cry at funerals. In fact I very much hate them simply because I can't react to them the way most people do. No Christian ought to be surprised by death, nor even concerned by it. I'm not saying we shouldn't grieve. That is a necessary and natural human reaction to loss of someone close. But we ought not to grieve as if there were no hope. We have given ourselves over to God's will. We have relinquished control of our own souls because we believe them to be the rightful property of God in the first place. We trust that He is good. If we truly believe that, how can we not hold that in our view of death? Even in the death of one we know rejected God, do we then think our God, who is Love, lacks any love for that person? No! That is why to my thinking a funeral ought not to be a time to make up half-truths about someone, but a time to celebrate who they are and to pray for their soul and for God's mercy. For all our theologies in various traditions, we don't know jack about how God handles a soul after death! And are we to think that the soul no longer knows anything of this world? Why wouldn't they? In fact we may not be as far apart as we think! Think Obiwan, Luke!

I recently heard a friend who lost her mother very recently saying that she missed her mother terribly and that she was certain her mother couldn't see her because if she did she would see her sadness and that would make her mother cry, which couldn't be in heaven. But how innaccurate! First of all, that was Clapton, not the Bible. The Bible says that God will wipe away our tears. There are tears of joy as well as tears of sadness. To this person, I wanted to say that her mother knows so much more about her life now that she is in the presence of God. She knows much more fully the joy behind life...the divinity in it. So if she sees her daughters tears, it doesn't mean she would also be sad! (Plus, if you really get into it, her mother has stepped out of time, so for all we know she and her mother will effectively arrive in the afterlife at the same moment!)

I also think that part of our Christian fear of death stems from an overimportance given to physical life. If you haven't already, look over my previous posts on suffering. Or just look at the world news! People are dying all the time. The good and the bad. The deserving and the undeserving, the young and old. It is clear that God obviously does not hold the same inviolable view of physical life that we do! How could He? He IS life. He gives us our span on the Earth, and He knows what is beyond that. Can we honestly, in our temporally disabled minds, possibly presume to think that death is the end of life? The line is not so solid! Rather, as my teacher Jack says, those who choose Heaven will likely find that this life is merely one of the lower lands of that High Country. But those who reject Heaven will find Earth to be just a region of Hell.

Death should not be feared. We can't escape it anyway. And Christians especially should celebrate this crossing of the Jordan, this coming home. We believe that we are moving into the unmitigated presence of the source and author of all goodness and life and can do so boldly by the blood of Christ! Truly, we have been there far before our physical death, though our senses were too dull to perceive it. Think on this and tell me if you can't at least acknowledge that one who really ...I mean really believes this like we know we can't breathe water, can fear death! Quite the opposite; the danger would be wanting it too greatly!