Imagine a world where every person was supported in developing their skills to the fullest potential. But in this world, people don't have to compete for a few choice jobs, opportunities, etc. For every person, a perfectly suited life is available. A fulfilling job that uses their skills can afford them a home that perfectly provides their needs for shelter, space, and style. They'll earn enough to afford all the necessities and a good deal of comforts.
In this world, social relationships are most important. Society is built to encourage interaction and division is a thing of the past. People are different, but differences aren't a source of contention, nor even of passive separation, but truly integrated and celebrated.
Power is not abused. People necessarily need to have coordinators and conductors, "leaders" in a sense, but only in so far as function without an ounce of personal pride or cowtowing from those being coordinated. These "leaders" will fully understand that they are the servants of and dependent on those under them.
Likewise in such a culture of respect, no one would be looked down on for the position they occupy, nor despise doing work that is "beneath them" because there is no hierarchy. Concepts like 'beneath', would be purely and literally locational.
Science has advanced to the point that people most fully understand the integration of the world. And where they don't, they know enough to stop manipulating things in damaging ways. Health of humans extends to animals, plants, and the world as a whole. People understand that every action affects the whole system and the system affects every action. Because of this, sickness is a thing of the past. Pollution is no more. Mental illness is eradicated.
Because of the emotional and physical health of people, when things start to break down, it does not become a train wreck, cascade failure, but is absorbed in the understanding embrace of society and the world. Truly healing and restoring such that even crime disappeared.
Sounds great right? Regardless of what you believe, I bet you were reading this thinking how it fits your ideal world. But I got this directly from Jesus. This is what he taught. If you didn't recognize that, I invite you to look at the Bible (particularly the first five books of the New Testament) with open eyes this Christmas and see if I'm not right.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Slipping
I feel myself slipping down again. It's not a good feeling, but something I've grown used to. It feels like a dark cloud forming. I'm more on edge, quicker to burst out angry, more likely to take offence at things, less likely to be as busy as I usually am.
Normally I keep the demons at bay through constant occupation. Even rest is occupation. Sometimes I welcome getting sick, even though I fight like mad to NOT get sick. Once I am, I can just let go and rest. But in these times, the lack of doing is more just because it all seems futile and worthless.
People always say, "Let me know if you feel that way." But that's just the problem isn't it? I'm never going to...If I could I wouldn't need the help. And when I feel good enough to let someone know, they don't believe it, don't remember it, don't notice it, or aren't around to be able to. We'll see if this post ever makes it onto the blog. I'm going to try hard to let it stand.
I don't even know what help would be. No amount of talking it through will do anything about it. I've read enough on CBT and tried it to know it won't stick. That stuff all requires a willing participant. Sure there's probably a good deal I don't know about that stuff, but the effort to sift through the crap with someone to get to the good stuff just makes it seem like more of a burden.
But I know it will pass. It always does. I surround myself with precautions when I feel it coming enough to avoid serious consequences. I'll still go to work, look the same as always, joke, etc. I know from seeing it in others that if you know what to look for, you can tell the difference. But most people can't or don't bother. It's truly a closed world. If you haven't been there, you don't understand. You can't.
So what helps? I don't know. Time. Prayer. I always delve deeper into those regions during these times. Someone seeing it for what it is and piercing the cloud. It happens on rare occasions and those people are instantly locked in my heart forever.
But like I said, I know it will pass and the only way past is through. We'll see how it goes this time.
Normally I keep the demons at bay through constant occupation. Even rest is occupation. Sometimes I welcome getting sick, even though I fight like mad to NOT get sick. Once I am, I can just let go and rest. But in these times, the lack of doing is more just because it all seems futile and worthless.
People always say, "Let me know if you feel that way." But that's just the problem isn't it? I'm never going to...If I could I wouldn't need the help. And when I feel good enough to let someone know, they don't believe it, don't remember it, don't notice it, or aren't around to be able to. We'll see if this post ever makes it onto the blog. I'm going to try hard to let it stand.
I don't even know what help would be. No amount of talking it through will do anything about it. I've read enough on CBT and tried it to know it won't stick. That stuff all requires a willing participant. Sure there's probably a good deal I don't know about that stuff, but the effort to sift through the crap with someone to get to the good stuff just makes it seem like more of a burden.
But I know it will pass. It always does. I surround myself with precautions when I feel it coming enough to avoid serious consequences. I'll still go to work, look the same as always, joke, etc. I know from seeing it in others that if you know what to look for, you can tell the difference. But most people can't or don't bother. It's truly a closed world. If you haven't been there, you don't understand. You can't.
So what helps? I don't know. Time. Prayer. I always delve deeper into those regions during these times. Someone seeing it for what it is and piercing the cloud. It happens on rare occasions and those people are instantly locked in my heart forever.
But like I said, I know it will pass and the only way past is through. We'll see how it goes this time.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Seen
It's late and this blog is raw, so I hope it explains, if not excuses, my waxing poetic. Sometimes I just see something or in this case someone. See deeper than what is visible on the surface, deeper than what they may even hope to project. Who knows, it may all just be my own mental projections and fancy. But this late and in this blog space I'm going to take my perception as granted. Truthfully, whether this is factually true or not, my perception and therefore my reaction in the moment, are valid.
It's like the veil parts just enough to see the reality. Like seeing with Elvish eyes. Or better still with Glass Eyes, as in the story of Glass Dogs I wrote.
And the one this is about may actually read this. If so, you'll know who you are. You are a dark princess. You can find the beauty in darkness and ugliness. You sometimes cast yourself as a devil, but I see you and I know this is far from the truth because like Harry and Luna we both see the Thestrals. Not of death, but of true demons. And no one who knows this reality can do anything but react away from it.
I see you and you are beautiful. One of the Haibane, grey feathered angels. You feel so deeply the slight wind of an offhand remark can send you searching and doubting how you might have caused pain.
You fear and doubt and struggle and you know how to put on a brave face. Sometimes we have to powder those grey wings. But your heart is so large it bursts out in spite of you and I for one, love the elegant mess you try to hide.
Don't worry. I can be trusted with this. I won't even let on more than a moment's slightly deeper look or slightly warmer hug. We are kindred. I see you and I think you see me too. And I want you to know that I see even deeper. Perhaps deeper than you see yourself. Inside that beautifully churning complexity you are, there is a radiantly gorgeous daughter of Truth and Goodness that makes you shimmer in glorious living light. Entrained with all the life you have given, all the good you have done, even in spite of yourself. Elven princess. The King's lost daughter. The terrifying Pan will bring you home at last.
You are lovely and loving. Perfect imperfection. And for all you are and are not, all that is you, just as you are. I see you in there. And even though I know there is far more I don't see in the infinite spaces inside your heart, I see enough to love you.
It's like the veil parts just enough to see the reality. Like seeing with Elvish eyes. Or better still with Glass Eyes, as in the story of Glass Dogs I wrote.
And the one this is about may actually read this. If so, you'll know who you are. You are a dark princess. You can find the beauty in darkness and ugliness. You sometimes cast yourself as a devil, but I see you and I know this is far from the truth because like Harry and Luna we both see the Thestrals. Not of death, but of true demons. And no one who knows this reality can do anything but react away from it.
I see you and you are beautiful. One of the Haibane, grey feathered angels. You feel so deeply the slight wind of an offhand remark can send you searching and doubting how you might have caused pain.
You fear and doubt and struggle and you know how to put on a brave face. Sometimes we have to powder those grey wings. But your heart is so large it bursts out in spite of you and I for one, love the elegant mess you try to hide.
Don't worry. I can be trusted with this. I won't even let on more than a moment's slightly deeper look or slightly warmer hug. We are kindred. I see you and I think you see me too. And I want you to know that I see even deeper. Perhaps deeper than you see yourself. Inside that beautifully churning complexity you are, there is a radiantly gorgeous daughter of Truth and Goodness that makes you shimmer in glorious living light. Entrained with all the life you have given, all the good you have done, even in spite of yourself. Elven princess. The King's lost daughter. The terrifying Pan will bring you home at last.
You are lovely and loving. Perfect imperfection. And for all you are and are not, all that is you, just as you are. I see you in there. And even though I know there is far more I don't see in the infinite spaces inside your heart, I see enough to love you.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Proximity, Novelty, and Frequency
When something happens like the Las Vegas shooting, it is natural for people to talk about it for awhile. But a glaring cultural and personal fallacy is revealed here.
At risk of sounding cold, this event is not unique. Random violence and bloody death of regular people occurs all over the world all the time. These are all tragic acts committed by tragically damaged people. They are all available to us in near real time. Most of us can't even say we don't KNOW it happens in a purely logical sense. (We may not THINK about it, but we KNOW it if we take a second.) Yet most of us never acknowledge that it occurs.
So why is it such a big deal this time?
The answer is simply the perception of proximity. Because it occurs in a place we might go, or relatively close to a place we currently are. But this is a fallacy, because if you live in Florida, for example, you are physically closer or equally close to places where this occurs all the time. Namely, the Caribbean and Central America.
You might say, "but this is our country." Sure. But there is no physical barrier between those places and this one. I can be in Mexico from Tampa in a day's drive. And truthfully, that statement reveals a flaw and a fallacy. The flaw: cultural bigotry, and the fallacy: novelty.
Because this event is different from what we usually experience, we take note. This is a fallacy because for the vast majority of Americans our lives have not been disrupted by the event. If we hadn't heard about it yet, as would have been the case 200 years ago, we would still be going on as if nothing happened. So why do we feel different because we know of it? Again, I'm not saying this isn't tragic nor terribly affecting for those directly involved or with family and friends who were. Hang with me, I'm going somewhere with this. The reason is simply because of how we associate the event. It FEELS closer, newer.
Lastly, we are affected because of the sheer frequency of reports. What was in reality one event with a finite number of tragedies is reported and discussed endlessly, even when there is nothing new or only marginally new. The truth is we can't do anything with all that info anyway, so it just serves to rile us up, which is exactly the goal of the commercially driven news. Please do us all a favor and stop using those sources. You do realize that Houston is still a wreck, but you never hear about it any more because it doesn't generate the traffic after a while.
This feeling of inescapability is a fallacy. Statistically, it is now only slightly more likely that it will happen to you. In REALITY, it is NO more likely, not one bit, now than it was prior. It's just in your head.
What troubles me most is the inconsistency. We can be so unaffected by the same or worse suffering for such silly reasons as it isn't in a place or context we connect with and it isn't thrown up in our face constantly. But then very affected by something that is in reality no different, simply because our mind associates it differently! This should bother us.
At risk of sounding cold, this event is not unique. Random violence and bloody death of regular people occurs all over the world all the time. These are all tragic acts committed by tragically damaged people. They are all available to us in near real time. Most of us can't even say we don't KNOW it happens in a purely logical sense. (We may not THINK about it, but we KNOW it if we take a second.) Yet most of us never acknowledge that it occurs.
So why is it such a big deal this time?
The answer is simply the perception of proximity. Because it occurs in a place we might go, or relatively close to a place we currently are. But this is a fallacy, because if you live in Florida, for example, you are physically closer or equally close to places where this occurs all the time. Namely, the Caribbean and Central America.
You might say, "but this is our country." Sure. But there is no physical barrier between those places and this one. I can be in Mexico from Tampa in a day's drive. And truthfully, that statement reveals a flaw and a fallacy. The flaw: cultural bigotry, and the fallacy: novelty.
Because this event is different from what we usually experience, we take note. This is a fallacy because for the vast majority of Americans our lives have not been disrupted by the event. If we hadn't heard about it yet, as would have been the case 200 years ago, we would still be going on as if nothing happened. So why do we feel different because we know of it? Again, I'm not saying this isn't tragic nor terribly affecting for those directly involved or with family and friends who were. Hang with me, I'm going somewhere with this. The reason is simply because of how we associate the event. It FEELS closer, newer.
Lastly, we are affected because of the sheer frequency of reports. What was in reality one event with a finite number of tragedies is reported and discussed endlessly, even when there is nothing new or only marginally new. The truth is we can't do anything with all that info anyway, so it just serves to rile us up, which is exactly the goal of the commercially driven news. Please do us all a favor and stop using those sources. You do realize that Houston is still a wreck, but you never hear about it any more because it doesn't generate the traffic after a while.
This feeling of inescapability is a fallacy. Statistically, it is now only slightly more likely that it will happen to you. In REALITY, it is NO more likely, not one bit, now than it was prior. It's just in your head.
What troubles me most is the inconsistency. We can be so unaffected by the same or worse suffering for such silly reasons as it isn't in a place or context we connect with and it isn't thrown up in our face constantly. But then very affected by something that is in reality no different, simply because our mind associates it differently! This should bother us.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Worlds
I just encountered a rather mind-blowing concept that I need to write out to process. It is significant because it comes from a direction I have consistently been opposed to, which gives it credibility against my biases.
Without belaboring the background, suffice to say I do not believe that reductionism is the key to undertanding. Things are greater than the sum of their parts. Experience is not reduceable simply to chemical impulses in the brain and bio-physio responses. But from that direction comes the concept of gene-culture interaction.
This author I'm reading recognizes that environment and genetics, nature and nurture, are inextricably linked. But here's the kicker. He points out that any attempt to overly encourage one factor over the other would be devastating. For example, he says if we had a totally controlled society that required everyone to be equal in ability and performance, giving intensive assistance to the lower performers and holding back the higher performers (e.g. every child goes to college), the result would be that both segments' environments would not allow them to develop genetic potential and variation would be lost, thus genetically reinforcing a loss of ability and variation. This type of society and it's ills have been described in countless movies and books, so I won't go on.
But on the other side, if we had a totally egalitarian society such that every child was allowed to fully explore their gifts and fully supported in achieving them (no-schooling), genetic heritability would increase to the point that the same societal abuses occur. It would be caste and feudal system to the ultimate degree in which people truly were born to be something and could not improve their lot.
In either case, you end up with a totalitarian society. The two ends of the spectrum are really neighboring points on a circle. Like Fascism and Communism, though ideologically polar opposites, they produce societies that are very similar; both abusive and controlling.
This is not new, really. Both sides have been treated extensively in literature and cinema. But what did hit me was the idea that we NEED in a fundamental and very real sense, adversity and diversity, not just in happy hippie self-help ways, but in gritty biological ways.
As a Christian who thoroughly believes in the sovereignty of God and orchestration on the universe, this explanation from a staunchly atheist and materialist quarter fairly solves the question of why bad things happen and why inequality persists.
Perhaps we're looking at it all wrong (what else is new). If God is sovereign and good yet bad things persist, it must be because those things we perceive as bad are actually in some way good. It's our definition that's wonky. Not bad, but perhaps unpleasant, inconvenient, even painful. But still good.
Now I hear myself starting to sound like Candide's teachers, and I'm not about to start arguing for the 'best of all possible worlds'. That's as absurd today as Voltaire portrayed it in the 18th century. I'm also not going to say that we shouldn't work to eliminate wrong and injustice. Evil is evil and should be stamped out. What I'm saying is that it doesn't follow that a kid born in a poor area should get a total hand out to bring him to the level of a rich kid. Neither does it follow that imposing no limits so everyone can 'be free' to follow their whims will lead to healthy people and society. What I'm saying is that fighting, struggling, dying, suffering, and going without while others go with is not necessarily bad. It's just how our habitat works. There is no such thing as a necessary evil, but adversity is not necessarily evil.
It is necessary to promote genetic potential and actually helps make the environments required for us to grow into what we were made to be. Adversity must occur and succor must be provided just like zebras eat grass and lions eat zebras and hyenas eat lions and all turn back into grass. A life lost or a case of suffering is to be mourned and helped, but eliminating the condition that led to the suffering is not in our power because it ultimately wouldn't be for our good. Like all ecology, it's the principle of balance. Ecology, as a nonreductionist science, a holistic science in the truest sense of the word, allows us to understand the nature of God imprinted in our world. We can trace the hand of God, see the trails of his garments. It's really sublime.
But don't dare take what I'm saying and use it to justify your system or even to form opinions about how the world should work. The only conclusion to be drawn from this is that we can't, shouldn't, and don't really run the world anyway. And I'm now more than ever convinced that the one who does is way better at it than we could be. Our purpose is not to take our place as gods, but to rise to our place within God's living relation.
Without belaboring the background, suffice to say I do not believe that reductionism is the key to undertanding. Things are greater than the sum of their parts. Experience is not reduceable simply to chemical impulses in the brain and bio-physio responses. But from that direction comes the concept of gene-culture interaction.
This author I'm reading recognizes that environment and genetics, nature and nurture, are inextricably linked. But here's the kicker. He points out that any attempt to overly encourage one factor over the other would be devastating. For example, he says if we had a totally controlled society that required everyone to be equal in ability and performance, giving intensive assistance to the lower performers and holding back the higher performers (e.g. every child goes to college), the result would be that both segments' environments would not allow them to develop genetic potential and variation would be lost, thus genetically reinforcing a loss of ability and variation. This type of society and it's ills have been described in countless movies and books, so I won't go on.
But on the other side, if we had a totally egalitarian society such that every child was allowed to fully explore their gifts and fully supported in achieving them (no-schooling), genetic heritability would increase to the point that the same societal abuses occur. It would be caste and feudal system to the ultimate degree in which people truly were born to be something and could not improve their lot.
In either case, you end up with a totalitarian society. The two ends of the spectrum are really neighboring points on a circle. Like Fascism and Communism, though ideologically polar opposites, they produce societies that are very similar; both abusive and controlling.
This is not new, really. Both sides have been treated extensively in literature and cinema. But what did hit me was the idea that we NEED in a fundamental and very real sense, adversity and diversity, not just in happy hippie self-help ways, but in gritty biological ways.
As a Christian who thoroughly believes in the sovereignty of God and orchestration on the universe, this explanation from a staunchly atheist and materialist quarter fairly solves the question of why bad things happen and why inequality persists.
Perhaps we're looking at it all wrong (what else is new). If God is sovereign and good yet bad things persist, it must be because those things we perceive as bad are actually in some way good. It's our definition that's wonky. Not bad, but perhaps unpleasant, inconvenient, even painful. But still good.
Now I hear myself starting to sound like Candide's teachers, and I'm not about to start arguing for the 'best of all possible worlds'. That's as absurd today as Voltaire portrayed it in the 18th century. I'm also not going to say that we shouldn't work to eliminate wrong and injustice. Evil is evil and should be stamped out. What I'm saying is that it doesn't follow that a kid born in a poor area should get a total hand out to bring him to the level of a rich kid. Neither does it follow that imposing no limits so everyone can 'be free' to follow their whims will lead to healthy people and society. What I'm saying is that fighting, struggling, dying, suffering, and going without while others go with is not necessarily bad. It's just how our habitat works. There is no such thing as a necessary evil, but adversity is not necessarily evil.
It is necessary to promote genetic potential and actually helps make the environments required for us to grow into what we were made to be. Adversity must occur and succor must be provided just like zebras eat grass and lions eat zebras and hyenas eat lions and all turn back into grass. A life lost or a case of suffering is to be mourned and helped, but eliminating the condition that led to the suffering is not in our power because it ultimately wouldn't be for our good. Like all ecology, it's the principle of balance. Ecology, as a nonreductionist science, a holistic science in the truest sense of the word, allows us to understand the nature of God imprinted in our world. We can trace the hand of God, see the trails of his garments. It's really sublime.
But don't dare take what I'm saying and use it to justify your system or even to form opinions about how the world should work. The only conclusion to be drawn from this is that we can't, shouldn't, and don't really run the world anyway. And I'm now more than ever convinced that the one who does is way better at it than we could be. Our purpose is not to take our place as gods, but to rise to our place within God's living relation.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Flow
How do I start?
I want to impart
what's in my heart
using this art.
It's not new
but I bet you
didn't know I could flow.
But long ago
that's where I started
while my words were still retarded
by fresh eyes
that just began to see lies
and understand pain.
I first turned to verse
to nurse the fresh wounds of the curse,
of my generation
the first to feel the denegration,
separation,
denunciation
of the structures that promised to hold us
mold us
enfold us,
but instead began to drain...
me.
You see...
I'm twisted
and most of you missed it
because I hide it deep inside
buried alive.
That's why I gave it up.
Poetic words, rhythmic sounds abound with too much emotion.
If words are an ocean, then this is the wave
rollin at such a speed
it'll touch where I bleed
too fast and I'll stumble.
But no crutch for me.
That's like a cane
and a cane is one step from the grave.
So I bottled the rain...
deeper inside
me.
But today it came back.
I don't know why.
Out of the black
deep inside.
Rising up unbidden
flowin and goin and showin me things I had hidden.
And most of all
I long for a place to be raw
something real
sharp as steel
to cut these bonds and let me heal.
But God knows I've tried
to join, create, remold, and strive
only to be repaid dirt for gold...
you all lied.
You're doin it now!
You don't know
how fake you are
and your show
that does nothing for what I, he, she, we
really need.
Is it greed?
Or pride or self-love?
Or maybe pain.
That's it
isn't it?
Can you admit
You're stuck in your shit
just like me.
So full of yourself
and scared, crying for help
you can't see another or let them in.
You say, "Brother be open.
You're so broken"
But you're jokin
'cause I've been there in your house
while your daughter was openin'
her mouth
swallowin all those...
lies.
Fed to her by guys
and everyone she "knew"
was a cry for help to YOU
who weren't there.
She's broken and so are you and me and that other guy too.
Let me tell you about him...ALL of us "Christians"
who say they will and they want
to share a thing in your heart
and in the same breath call me passive aggressive
but that's impressive
comin' from you
who leave ME standing in parking lots callin' your phone
'cause you conveniently forgot that I was comin'
dude it was... YOUR HOME!
Or like your other bother
who gave me grief for drivin kids on my own
and then left me standin' alone
on the side of the road
with a pukin' kid and his new best friends wearin' his guts.
And you waved!
Waved and you knew!
Waved like I'm nuts
wonderin' why
I'm just some guy
stoppin' my car so you can fly by.
And you knew the kid was sick
and said nothing.
But I'm the big dick
who can't forgive 'cause, "we'll pay the cleaner guy."
No thanks dude.
You owe me what you gave me...
nothing.
God, it makes me sick.
And everyone wonders what will work
makin plans
buildin dreams
when all around are guys like me
just lookin for you
to be true
to what... you... say.
We should forgive? Gladly, ask away!
I promise you pardon
cause I just want it to stop.
But you won't will you?
No you're heart's too hardened
Hard and puffed up (what does that sound like Jock)
on the praise of your deeds
or your ego
or whatever your trip is.
You won't ask for forgiveness
but you'll sure get offended.
Call me and up end it
in a verbal tussle.
Face it, you'd love to muscle
the broken man down
and call that... faith...defended.
But there has to be a better way
If this is all we got,
I don't want to play.
Been there, man
I can say,
it's a dark place
and I know the taste
of my own blood.
and the barrel of a gun.
I'm not goin to wrap this
in some tight package
of how good God or life is.
I don't know
I'm just a lost soul
with a big mouth
a dark mind
and lots of hidden wreckage.
And I want to be done.
I don't know, but I have desired.
If I can dream somethin better
that stokes the fire.
If there's a chance God is real
then dreams might be inspired.
So that's how I'll head
through the hate
and the pain.
And I dread if I'm wrong
but I can't think that I am.
There's either nothing behind
or my soul's already damned.
So the one chance I've got
to escape tasting shot
is to become what I'm not
to let go of the rot-
ten fruit you keep shovin at me. I am not
going... to... play.
I want to impart
what's in my heart
using this art.
It's not new
but I bet you
didn't know I could flow.
But long ago
that's where I started
while my words were still retarded
by fresh eyes
that just began to see lies
and understand pain.
I first turned to verse
to nurse the fresh wounds of the curse,
of my generation
the first to feel the denegration,
separation,
denunciation
of the structures that promised to hold us
mold us
enfold us,
but instead began to drain...
me.
You see...
I'm twisted
and most of you missed it
because I hide it deep inside
buried alive.
That's why I gave it up.
Poetic words, rhythmic sounds abound with too much emotion.
If words are an ocean, then this is the wave
rollin at such a speed
it'll touch where I bleed
too fast and I'll stumble.
But no crutch for me.
That's like a cane
and a cane is one step from the grave.
So I bottled the rain...
deeper inside
me.
But today it came back.
I don't know why.
Out of the black
deep inside.
Rising up unbidden
flowin and goin and showin me things I had hidden.
And most of all
I long for a place to be raw
something real
sharp as steel
to cut these bonds and let me heal.
But God knows I've tried
to join, create, remold, and strive
only to be repaid dirt for gold...
you all lied.
You're doin it now!
You don't know
how fake you are
and your show
that does nothing for what I, he, she, we
really need.
Is it greed?
Or pride or self-love?
Or maybe pain.
That's it
isn't it?
Can you admit
You're stuck in your shit
just like me.
So full of yourself
and scared, crying for help
you can't see another or let them in.
You say, "Brother be open.
You're so broken"
But you're jokin
'cause I've been there in your house
while your daughter was openin'
her mouth
swallowin all those...
lies.
Fed to her by guys
and everyone she "knew"
was a cry for help to YOU
who weren't there.
She's broken and so are you and me and that other guy too.
Let me tell you about him...ALL of us "Christians"
who say they will and they want
to share a thing in your heart
and in the same breath call me passive aggressive
but that's impressive
comin' from you
who leave ME standing in parking lots callin' your phone
'cause you conveniently forgot that I was comin'
dude it was... YOUR HOME!
Or like your other bother
who gave me grief for drivin kids on my own
and then left me standin' alone
on the side of the road
with a pukin' kid and his new best friends wearin' his guts.
And you waved!
Waved and you knew!
Waved like I'm nuts
wonderin' why
I'm just some guy
stoppin' my car so you can fly by.
And you knew the kid was sick
and said nothing.
But I'm the big dick
who can't forgive 'cause, "we'll pay the cleaner guy."
No thanks dude.
You owe me what you gave me...
nothing.
God, it makes me sick.
And everyone wonders what will work
makin plans
buildin dreams
when all around are guys like me
just lookin for you
to be true
to what... you... say.
We should forgive? Gladly, ask away!
I promise you pardon
cause I just want it to stop.
But you won't will you?
No you're heart's too hardened
Hard and puffed up (what does that sound like Jock)
on the praise of your deeds
or your ego
or whatever your trip is.
You won't ask for forgiveness
but you'll sure get offended.
Call me and up end it
in a verbal tussle.
Face it, you'd love to muscle
the broken man down
and call that... faith...defended.
But there has to be a better way
If this is all we got,
I don't want to play.
Been there, man
I can say,
it's a dark place
and I know the taste
of my own blood.
and the barrel of a gun.
I'm not goin to wrap this
in some tight package
of how good God or life is.
I don't know
I'm just a lost soul
with a big mouth
a dark mind
and lots of hidden wreckage.
And I want to be done.
I don't know, but I have desired.
If I can dream somethin better
that stokes the fire.
If there's a chance God is real
then dreams might be inspired.
So that's how I'll head
through the hate
and the pain.
And I dread if I'm wrong
but I can't think that I am.
There's either nothing behind
or my soul's already damned.
So the one chance I've got
to escape tasting shot
is to become what I'm not
to let go of the rot-
ten fruit you keep shovin at me. I am not
going... to... play.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Gospel
OK. So this is such a hard topic, that I just wrote a screen full of paragraphs and deleted them all.
Here's the difficulty distilled. If the Gospel is such good news that people would change their lives from it, change their personalities, go to very gruesome deaths over it, why don't I feel that way about it? Truth is I don't. I feel like I should. But I just don't.
So let's break down the possibilities.
1. I am broken such that I am having an inappropriate reaction.
Possible. I could be mentally damaged in a way that I can't perceive this correctly. Problem is it's for all people. So if I can't perceive it appropriately, there's nothing I can do about it, and further discussion is pointless. I'll either be excused by a good God or condemned for it by an evil one.
2. I am so sinful that it's beyond me.
I thought this for many years. It led to constant searching, anxiety, self-hatred, and extreme asceticism that even adversely affected my health. Many of the Mystics started here too and I had clung to them as brothers and sisters in a struggle. But here's the thing. Some of them left that life after coming to believe God didn't want them to harm themselves in attempts to cleanse the wicked.
I have to agree here because I also feel the same way. There was no joy in it, and joy is supposed to be a fruit of the Spirit. Plus, if I step outside myself and look as objectively as I can, I'm seeking far more than many other people who feel the joy and love the Truth. Many don't ever even enter such a crisis of existence. So explaining that could force me to brimstone preaching if I go the Armenian route since they're all dead in their transgressions and marching straight to hell and I should shock them into reality. Or else I slip into pride or despair on the Calvinist side, since I'm either one of the elect or not, as you choose to interpret the attitude.
3. There is no Gospel.
Tempting. But I've been down this route before. It ends in nihilism. If there is no real truth, then my highest and best faculties are illusions and there are no consequences except to cease being, which doesn't matter anyway. I am forced into hedonistic abandon as I try to get the most pleasure out of my meaningless life or more usually for nihilists, into despair as no matter of effort makes any real difference.
Of course there's all kinds of outposts where people stop short, such as the progeny concept where our goal is to preserve the species as a whole. But this ignores individual suffering and identity, and worst of all, still slides quickly to nihilism when I realize that the drive to preserve the species is also a biological illusion...WHY is it good to preserve the species. The word 'good' ceases to have real meaning...hence the reason nihilists tip toward despair.
Or if 'good' is a real thing, I'm back into objective Truth, and we go back to 1 or 2.
4. I've got the Gospel wrong.
Obviously, I left this for last because this is what I have concluded. It comes to me over many centuries of writing, from many places, and from many directions that are unrelated to each other. But this is where I am. I've had it wrong. I've been taught it wrong.
So this leads to the question, what IS the gosepl then? When I think about what makes me stay a Christian. What makes me bubble over with joy. What makes tears stand in my eyes. What I can't help but share and what I would...seriously would easily go to my death or torture before I deny it. It isn't any of the things I was taught in Sunday school...man, threaten to seriously start flaying my skin off alive and frying me in a giant hot pan (this has really happened) I'm probably going to find a way to reason out of most anything I learned to recite...I'm just telling you the truth.
But what I won't deny is that God loves each and every one of us. Dearly deeply loves us. He doesn't condemn. He heals. He doesn't want rule followers. He doesn't want political duty. He doesn't want Christians who make Christians (whatever that means was never clearly defined; sorry bro that's why we parted ways). He wants children that climb up in his lap. He wants a whole family of people who love each other and live in respect and not just pretend, but really truly fulfill the needs in each other. It's not a fake it till you make it thing. It's not a man-up thing (Geez, don't get me started on that one). What he wants is simple, honest, goodness. God never left us. He never turned away from us. Nothing is too big for him. All wrongs will be righted. All wounds will be healed, no matter who you are, where you are from, or even what you mistakenly believe. Because the real Truth IS irresistible. Who wouldn't want to fall into the arms of the perfect love and peace. ALL of us all over the planet, no matter who, when, where, or how, know this. I read the Bible this way. I see Jesus as epitomizing this. It doesn't deny other religions, it subsumes them. I see this idea truly revolutionizing the world. Not always under the flag of Christianity, but in a steady progression of higher and higher societal ideas which are large scale mirrors of individual ideals.
It makes me change my ways...I want to be good. BE good, not just SEEM good. I am free to give of myself because I know it matters and will only generate more good. I want to tell others so they can be freed from the fears and hurts they have. I want to help HEAL those hurts, even if it means taking some of them on myself, and thus I participate in God's work. This is a message I would take to the ends of the earth.
And as much as it scares the living sense out of me, I'd just have to be flayed if you wanted me to say anything otherwise because denying that real Goodness and Love exist is to turn suffering brothers and sisters into more pain than you can give me. And that I just can't do. THAT's GOSPEL.
Here's the difficulty distilled. If the Gospel is such good news that people would change their lives from it, change their personalities, go to very gruesome deaths over it, why don't I feel that way about it? Truth is I don't. I feel like I should. But I just don't.
So let's break down the possibilities.
1. I am broken such that I am having an inappropriate reaction.
Possible. I could be mentally damaged in a way that I can't perceive this correctly. Problem is it's for all people. So if I can't perceive it appropriately, there's nothing I can do about it, and further discussion is pointless. I'll either be excused by a good God or condemned for it by an evil one.
2. I am so sinful that it's beyond me.
I thought this for many years. It led to constant searching, anxiety, self-hatred, and extreme asceticism that even adversely affected my health. Many of the Mystics started here too and I had clung to them as brothers and sisters in a struggle. But here's the thing. Some of them left that life after coming to believe God didn't want them to harm themselves in attempts to cleanse the wicked.
I have to agree here because I also feel the same way. There was no joy in it, and joy is supposed to be a fruit of the Spirit. Plus, if I step outside myself and look as objectively as I can, I'm seeking far more than many other people who feel the joy and love the Truth. Many don't ever even enter such a crisis of existence. So explaining that could force me to brimstone preaching if I go the Armenian route since they're all dead in their transgressions and marching straight to hell and I should shock them into reality. Or else I slip into pride or despair on the Calvinist side, since I'm either one of the elect or not, as you choose to interpret the attitude.
3. There is no Gospel.
Tempting. But I've been down this route before. It ends in nihilism. If there is no real truth, then my highest and best faculties are illusions and there are no consequences except to cease being, which doesn't matter anyway. I am forced into hedonistic abandon as I try to get the most pleasure out of my meaningless life or more usually for nihilists, into despair as no matter of effort makes any real difference.
Of course there's all kinds of outposts where people stop short, such as the progeny concept where our goal is to preserve the species as a whole. But this ignores individual suffering and identity, and worst of all, still slides quickly to nihilism when I realize that the drive to preserve the species is also a biological illusion...WHY is it good to preserve the species. The word 'good' ceases to have real meaning...hence the reason nihilists tip toward despair.
Or if 'good' is a real thing, I'm back into objective Truth, and we go back to 1 or 2.
4. I've got the Gospel wrong.
Obviously, I left this for last because this is what I have concluded. It comes to me over many centuries of writing, from many places, and from many directions that are unrelated to each other. But this is where I am. I've had it wrong. I've been taught it wrong.
So this leads to the question, what IS the gosepl then? When I think about what makes me stay a Christian. What makes me bubble over with joy. What makes tears stand in my eyes. What I can't help but share and what I would...seriously would easily go to my death or torture before I deny it. It isn't any of the things I was taught in Sunday school...man, threaten to seriously start flaying my skin off alive and frying me in a giant hot pan (this has really happened) I'm probably going to find a way to reason out of most anything I learned to recite...I'm just telling you the truth.
But what I won't deny is that God loves each and every one of us. Dearly deeply loves us. He doesn't condemn. He heals. He doesn't want rule followers. He doesn't want political duty. He doesn't want Christians who make Christians (whatever that means was never clearly defined; sorry bro that's why we parted ways). He wants children that climb up in his lap. He wants a whole family of people who love each other and live in respect and not just pretend, but really truly fulfill the needs in each other. It's not a fake it till you make it thing. It's not a man-up thing (Geez, don't get me started on that one). What he wants is simple, honest, goodness. God never left us. He never turned away from us. Nothing is too big for him. All wrongs will be righted. All wounds will be healed, no matter who you are, where you are from, or even what you mistakenly believe. Because the real Truth IS irresistible. Who wouldn't want to fall into the arms of the perfect love and peace. ALL of us all over the planet, no matter who, when, where, or how, know this. I read the Bible this way. I see Jesus as epitomizing this. It doesn't deny other religions, it subsumes them. I see this idea truly revolutionizing the world. Not always under the flag of Christianity, but in a steady progression of higher and higher societal ideas which are large scale mirrors of individual ideals.
It makes me change my ways...I want to be good. BE good, not just SEEM good. I am free to give of myself because I know it matters and will only generate more good. I want to tell others so they can be freed from the fears and hurts they have. I want to help HEAL those hurts, even if it means taking some of them on myself, and thus I participate in God's work. This is a message I would take to the ends of the earth.
And as much as it scares the living sense out of me, I'd just have to be flayed if you wanted me to say anything otherwise because denying that real Goodness and Love exist is to turn suffering brothers and sisters into more pain than you can give me. And that I just can't do. THAT's GOSPEL.
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